Chapter 17

After I managed to prop up the mirror, I laid out the towel, then pulled myself up onto the island. The knife sat next to the mirror, and I didn’t look at myself as I reached for my panties and pulled them off.

Once I was comfortable, I leaned forward and grabbed the blade, then propped my feet up on either side of the towel with my legs spread as far open as I could on the limited amount of space that was left over.

I titled my head as I looked at myself.

I had never done this before, stared at something so goddamn intimate, and now I was going to have to force it back open.

But, I could barely see what I needed to, so I used my free hand to push my lower lips apart.

And still, I couldn’t see the sutures.

How long has it been?

Could it be possible that my skin grew over it because of the time that had elapsed?

It didn’t matter.

It couldn’t matter.

Leaning back slightly, I turned the knife around and gently placed the tip at my entrance. I wasn’t sure how far in I would have to go, but I knew there would be no turning back once I started.

No matter how scared I might become.

Closing my eyes, I moved the blade in further. I grimaced at the feeling, realizing that it may have been a little too wide to use, and yet I couldn’t stop now.

It would make it more difficult to continue if for even a second I let myself think that I should use something smaller.

And so I pressed on, doing my best to keep a steady hand.

Another inch and the tip of the blade became blocked by something.

Not just anything.

I knew what it was.

Blowing out my breath, I grabbed the knife handle with both hands, then began to force it through.

Tears stung my eyes.

The pain was starting to settle in, and my body was beginning to tremble.

If I were brave enough, I would have just pushed it through without hesitation, but I never had been very courageous.

An agonized groan escaped me.

I wasn’t able to stop it as the tip of the blade began to pierce the barrier.

I paused for a moment, willing myself to stop feeling the full extent of the agony that I knew was waiting for me.

I was doing this for Elijah, not for me, and I couldn’t keep letting him down.

A shuddering breath passed through my lips as I steeled my resolve and pushed a little harder.

“Ow,” I ground out as quietly as I could.

Deep breath and keep going, Maisie.

I let go of the knife with one hand, while holding the tip of the blade against the barrier. I could feel it; it was ready to give way, I just had to be strong enough to finish.

Reaching down around the side of the island, my hand fumbled blindly until it closed around a small handle. I pulled the drawer open and reached around inside to find something that might help.

I took a deep breath as I placed the wooden spoon handle between my teeth, then put my hand back on the handle.

I looked into the mirror.

Into my own eyes.

Then I shoved the blade in with all of my strength, my piercing scream barely muffled by the handle clamped between my teeth.

___

I somehow managed to make my way back to the bathroom. Blood had been sliding down my inner thighs ever since I got to my feet, and even though my body had gone numb from the shocking pain after a few tempered breaths, I could finally feel it.

I was very aware of the hole I had managed to break back open inside of me and I needed time to clean up before I woke Elijah from his sleep.

While I knew he needed his rest, I also knew that he still wanted me.

“It’ll be okay, Maisie,” I mumbled to myself. “Everything will be fine now.”

I pushed my hair out of my eyes with bloodied hands, then spun the handles on the sink, grabbed the bar of soap and began to vigorously rub at my fingernails.

Underneath the fresh blood, there was a dried layer from the whore and her companion that I still hadn’t taken the time to properly get rid of.

A tear rolled down my cheek as I sniffled and kept scrubbing. It wasn’t from pain or pride, or from anything that I was feeling.

I assumed it was a stray from moments before, and I dismissed it as soon as I took my next breath.

A huff of breath left me in frustration, and I chucked the bar of soap into the sink. This wasn’t going to work as quickly as I needed it to.

I turned off the running water then reached into the linen closet for a small hand towel. I dried my hands as best as I could, then rolled one end of the towel into a tight braid before dipping it into what was left of the water in the sink.

I scrubbed the inside of my thighs.

It was more of a want than a need, because I knew Elijah wouldn’t notice, not while in the frame of mind that he was currently waging war with.

I stood straight up, and the towel fell from my hand and landed in the small pool of blood that had been gathering at the bottom of my feet.

Before we left, I would have to clean this place up, but for now, it reminded me of what home looked like the night he was born.

And it made me feel lucky to know that he was so close to me again, even though it still felt so goddamn far away.