Chapter 16

He trailed the tips of his fingers up and down my spine while we laid in bed. I prayed for sleep to take us both soon, even though I knew I would stay awake all night.

Whenever Elijah had one of his episodes, it proved almost impossible for me to get any rest.

Not because I couldn’t, rather because I didn’t want to risk him harming himself to try and get the monsters out, as he had so aptly explained to me once.

“Do you think they know?”

I shut my eyes tightly for a moment. This wasn’t the time to talk about anything. At least, not until his heart rate stopped being so goddamn erratic, and his breathing evened.

“Who?” I asked as I nuzzled my face into his side.

“Grandma and Grandpa.”

“Know what?”

“That we’re so close.”

I chuckled as I put a hand on his chest and pulled away from him just enough to be able to look up into his eyes. He looked almost serene enough for me to wonder if the monsters had probably stopped whispering to him. But when he quickly flicked his eyes over me, I knew that he could still see them.

“I doubt it,” I finally answered after a tense moment of silence. I hadn’t given much thought to how they would react upon seeing us together again, since I knew we would only be met with disdain.

But I also knew this couldn’t officially be over until they told him what they did to me.

Why they drove us apart with such vigor, and why they couldn’t bear to look at him.

“Does it bother you? We can move,” I offered as I laid on my back and rested an arm across my forehead.

Truth be told, we didn’t have a home.

We were travelers—going from place to place, hoping for at least one good night”s rest out of an entire week.

And now that we finally had one, it was being tarnished by talking about them.

Elijah lifted my shirt to expose my belly, then moved down the bed so that he could comfortably rest his head against it.

“I don’t mean to make you upset, Aunt Mais,” he said quietly. “I just think about them from time to time, and you’re the only other person in the world who could understand.”

Aunt Mais.

I mulled over the phrase, knowing that what he adored was a lie.

I wondered if Elijah would still love me as deeply as he did when he found out the truth. And while I knew it would be up to me to tell him, it worried me that he wouldn’t be able to handle it.

There was no better time than now, however, I was cognizant of the things plaguing his already damaged mind and didn’t want to make matters worse.

“Do you think Mr. Mike will be surprised to see us?” I asked in an attempt to change the conversation.

“I hope so. You know how much I love surprises,” he said, his voice muffled slightly.

I smiled faintly as I ran a hand over his hair.

His demons wouldn’t win this fight; he was too strong to let that happen. It only proved to me that Elijah never needed me; he just wanted me.

And as I began to thoughtfully chew the inside of my mouth, I couldn’t decide which one was worse.

___

I watched the fire flicker in front of me. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep, and once Elijah rolled onto his side, I made my way out into the cozy living room.

Starting the fire again was easier this time since I had a little practice already, and I even managed to make it warmer than the first time.

Little things like this would have to be enough to make me happy in the coming days, because once my mad, and so deeply loved sin, came out of his latest tailspin, he would probably decide for me.

For us.

Glancing down at the knife on the carpet next to me, I picked it up and pushed the blade into the fire.

The one thing that Mama and Papa taught me without meaning to, was that if there was ever going to be a cut or incision made, the tool would have to be sterilized before use.

I was surprised that my hand didn’t shake as I sat patiently waiting for the blade to heat up, before I flipped it over and repeated the same motion. It would have to cool before I used it, but I had to make sure that the possibility of an infection setting in would be little to none.

In my heart, I had suffered from the fear of Elijah leaving me one day, and if I was right that it would be soon, I wanted to try to give him the one thing I knew he so desperately wanted from me.

I brought my knees up to my chest as I watched the blade start to turn a pretty shade of blue. It was small enough that I would be able to hopefully use it in the regard I wanted to, but sharp enough that if I messed this up in anyway, I’d more than likely bleed out.

And then I would have made the choice for us, I thought with a sad smile.

Taking it out of his hands would definitely make it easier for Elijah to go on with his life. He would have the knowledge that he had done nothing to hurt me, and I couldn’t help but think that it would have made things easier for me too.

I let out a soft sigh as I pulled the blade from the flames lapping hungrily at it, then got to my feet.

My footsteps were quiet as I made my way through the cabin to the bathroom. If I was right, there would be some kind of compact mirror hidden somewhere inside.

Setting the knife handle on the edge of the sink, I pushed my hair out of my eyes as I began to open the linen closet, moving aside the hampers and towels, then turned my attention to the medicine cabinet.

I pulled the door open and moved up to the tips of my toes so I could use a hand to feel along the top shelf inside, but there was nothing.

I could feel myself starting to become frustrated, and anger had never served me well before. But it does make me strong, I reminded myself as I closed the small, mirrored door.

I moved the knife from the sink to the top of the hamper closest to me, then opened the door again.

Grinding my teeth together, I gripped the side of the door and began to tug at it with as much strength as I could muster.

After a few feral tugs, it actually gave way with minimal noise and effort.

And I smiled.

As the rage washed away from me, so did the voice that had told me I’d never be able to give him everything he ever wanted, but now, I had the mirror I needed to start.

I tucked it under my arm and then picked up the knife, and grabbing a towel on the way out, I started toward the kitchen.

I had decided on the small island inside as the place of my radical self-surgery, because if I made a mess of things, and least I’d have a small window of time to clean up.

Pausing at the bedroom door, I peered inside and saw that he was still sound asleep.

Thoughts of the young boy I used to sit and watch with such pride and love in my heart brought a tear to my eye.

Don’t leave me yet.

At least, not until we’ve had the chance to try.