Chapter 16

Mae had been planningon driving back to Portland with Vik, but they turned the tables on her the next morning. Like a tricky bitch.

"You two should drive together," Vik said, just as Dell returned to the gravel drive with some tarps in hand for the truck bed, the dogs in tow. Vik crouched down to throw their arms around Nash's neck, smiling as he licked their chin. Mae wasn't surprised that Vik had fallen in love with the dogs, especially Nash, when they finally returned to Dell's house late yesterday afternoon. Dell had been on his deck with his guitar; the whole pack had bounded over the moment Mae and Vik stepped out of the car. The light had been just perfect, the sun low in the sky, the air cool but with enough warmth lingering inside of it to make you want to slow down, look up, hold on. A perfect October day on the mid-Oregon Coast. And as Vik had tussled with the dogs in the grass while Dell looked on, guitar resting on his casually bent knee, Mae had wanted to hold on forever.

"I'm going to stop on the way back to get a hike in," Vik said now, squinting up at Mae in the morning sunshine as Young pranced around them. "And I know how you feel about hiking."

Mae pouted. "Yeah. It's hard." She thought she heard Dell snort behind her. "Makes sense, though," she said, still pouting. "It's a beautiful day."

"Yeah, and even if it wasn't, Ben and Alexei are apparently planning to hike part of the Continental Divide next summer and they have been super irritating about it." Vik stood with a huff. "Constantly going on hikes to ‘prepare' and it's like, we get it! You're fit and outdoorsy and have adventures all the time!" They crossed their arms and scowled into the distance. "I want to be fit and outdoorsy and have adventures all the time," they said in a smaller voice, and Mae patted their shoulder.

"I know, babe. I know."

"Anyway." Vik brightened, leaning down to give Nash's head one last pat. Vik and Jackson had adopted a sweet old pittie a few years back, but she'd passed away last year. While they hadn't been able to bring themselves to get another yet, Mae could see in Vik's eyes that Nash might have nudged that healing along. "I'm gonna miss these fuckers."

"They'll be here," Dell said. "Anytime you want to visit."

Mae flashed Dell a grateful smile.

"CSNY." Vik shook their head with a small laugh. "I reserve the right to change my mind at any time, but I think I might like you, Dell. Still." They lifted their chin in his direction. "You take care of this one while you're driving or we'll all kill you."

Dell nodded. "Will do."

"Okay then." Vik's face broke into a smile again. They'd been especially smiley, this trip. It healed something in Mae she hadn't known she'd needed. "See you two back in PDX."

And with a wave, they jumped into their car and roared away.

"These all your bags?" Dell asked, already tossing Mae's canvas tote and overnight bag into the cab of his truck. As if the matter had somehow been decided.

Mae turned from watching the dust Vik's tires had spurred down the lane. She leaned down to pet Young, who was jumping for attention, soft collie paws on Mae's knees.

She could drive herself in the Kia. Pack more for the drive back that way.

But…she also couldn't stomach the waste of unnecessary carbon dioxide.

"Yeah," she said. "I'll go lock up the ADU."

When she returned a minute later, Dell had corralled the dogs back into the house, where they would wait for Liv's arrival later in the day.

And without anything else to stall them, Mae somehow found herself on another road trip with Dell McCleary.

And even though it should have been easier this time—she'd been in this truck with him before, knew its dimensions, its smell, the feel of the seats, the proximity of Dell's thighs to her own—she clenched her hands in her lap and stared out the window, any conversation starters that might have previously existed in her brain dead on arrival. Nerves jingled in her joints along with the potholes on the road as Dell navigated down to 101 and turned north.

They were quiet all the way until Lincoln City, where wordlessly, Dell turned into Starbucks. And for the first time in a half hour, Mae smiled.

* * *

"So," Dell said as he turned back onto the highway, drinks in cup holders, "You should probably tell me about these friends of yours I'm about to meet. I'm assuming there's more than Vik."

Thank Christ this was apparently the right thing to say. After feeling the tension vibrating off her all morning, Dell knew he'd already started wearing her down with matcha. But only now did her shoulders finally fully relax.

"Well, Vik is married to Jackson, and since we'll be staying with them, I guess I should start there. They're both graphic designers, so, you know. Obviously they're the hottest power couple of the crew."

"Sure."

"And then there's Theo and Ozzy"—Mae's voice started to lift in excitement, her knees turning toward Dell as she shifted in her seat—"who were the, like, ultimate slow burn friends to lovers. We always knew they were in love with each other but they were always dating the wrong people, which was excruciating to watch for years until they finally got a clue and got together. And as soon as they did they were like, boom, old married couple making soups and casseroles together. They adopted two cats after living together for a month."

Dell could see Mae's smile from the corner of his eye, bright and wide until it faded, her head tilting as she looked out the windshield.

"Theo and I butt heads sometimes, but I think it's because we're a lot alike, if in different ways. There used to be Dorsa and Camille, too, but they…kind of disappeared, last year, after they had a kid. Which it's possible I'm still slightly bitter about, but! You'll definitely meet Ben and Alexei."

Mae's voice perked back up.

"And I think you might like them the most. They're the newest members of the group; we've only known them for a year or so. Which is wild to think about, because as soon as you meet them, they're the kind of people where it's like…I'm pretty sure I've loved you forever, you know?"

Dell did not know.

He made a noncommittal hum. Mae seemed to accept it.

"Jesus actually met Alexei at his church. Maybe I've mentioned that before? Anyway, Jesus and his husband, Steve, normally kept their church friends separate from our crowd, but Alexei sort of naturally bled over, and his boyfriend Ben came along with him."

Mae paused, but in that pregnant way, like she had more to say burning inside her. Dell held his breath, eyes steady on the road. Maybe this was the day Mae finally talked more about Jesus. The best friend who had given her all the money that led her to 12 Main Street. The one who made his own death party playlist.

The bizarreness of the playlist, honestly, already explained to Dell why Mae and Jesus had been friends, but still. He wanted to hear her talk about him.

"Steve actually died, too, a few months before Jesus."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"Yeah. It was a heart attack, out of nowhere." Another pause before she allowed herself to continue. "Steve was rich. Worked in something-whatever-finance. He always showed up to our trivia nights and movie nights and board game nights or one-of-us-needs-to-process-something nights, at least on the days he was able to leave the office in time, in these bespoke suits that made Jesus purr and pet him like a cat."

Dell kept his eyes on the road, but he heard the smile in her voice.

"Jesus was the one who actually made him use his money. Like until he met Jesus, Steve had been good at accumulating wealth, but Jesus made him actually enjoy it. Jesus worked hard, too; he was the whole heart of the community center where we worked, but…he made sure their lives were broken up occasionally, you know? By Disney cruises and trips around the world. At least, trips around the world to the places that are safe for gay men."

Dell's mind flashed to Luca. He continued to keep his eyes on the damn road.

"Anyway, I'm talking a whole lot."

"It's okay," Dell said. "I want to know." But Mae closed herself into another silence. Until Dell encouraged, "So Jesus passed away only a few months after him? Was that a surprise, too?"

Mae sighed.

"Yeah, definitely a surprise, but slower. He suddenly had pneumonia, and then he was in the hospital, and then…" She shook her head, trailed off.

"I can never decide if it's romantic or just sad," Dell said eventually. "When a couple goes like that."

"Jesus definitely thought it was romantic. Sometimes, in those last days, it almost felt like he?—"

Mae's voice cut off, suddenly choked with emotion. She took a second to gather herself, and Dell wondered if he had pushed too hard. His fingers twitched on the wheel, yearning to touch her.

Her voice was smaller when she continued.

"It felt like he wanted to go. Like he'd willed his body to get sick on purpose. And it pissed me off. Even though I know it's not logical, that he didn't actually have control over his organ failure, but anyway. I might, might be inclined to agree with the romance part if they weren't both way too young."

"How old were they?"

"Mid-sixties."

Dell winced so hard he almost swerved off the road.

"Yeah. Sixties feels ancient when you're young, but from the view of your forties, it feels like fucking tomorrow."

Dell let out a gust of air. "Yeah."

"But Jesus was so into his faith that he was so…at peace with it. Alexei, too, even though Alexei was probably as close to Jesus and Steve as anyone. He has this whole fucked up family that disowned him for being gay, so Jesus and Steve became like…parental figures to him. I know they always spent every Sunday together, after church. But even though them both dying within four fucking months of each other was like losing his parents again, Ben said that Alexei felt at peace because…he got to say goodbye, on his own terms, and I am telling you a lot of personal shit about Alexei that's probably violating some boundaries but he won't tell you anything about himself on his own because he's a super quiet dreamboat and I am now realizing that I am super jealous of his processing abilities."

Mae took a deep breath before crossing her arms over her chest. She turned her head, staring out the window, and Dell felt a perhaps inappropriate level of affectionate amusement. Being that they were discussing the death of two men. But yet?—

"Makes a bitch want to believe in God," Mae said, and Dell let out a short guffaw of laughter before attempting to smother it with his palm.

"Liv goes to church, you know," he said after a moment. Mae looked at him in surprise. "Every Sunday. Sings in the choir."

Mae's jaw gaped open at that.

"No fucking way."

Dell grinned. "Yup." He shrugged. "According to her, she's not truly that religious, but it's the church her family's always gone to, and she likes the community."

"Huh." Mae faced forward again. After a moment, she said, "Damn, Liv is good at being a small town queer."

Dell's grin dropped, his brow furrowing.

"You make it sound like it's a vocation or something."

"I don't know." Mae returned to staring out the passenger side window. "It feels like it is, sometimes. To me."

Dell didn't agree in the slightest—a person was just a person, no matter who they were or where they chose to live—but he wasn't in the mood to argue, to break whatever fragile thing had draped across their laps and made Mae open up. He knew Mae might not believe him about this philosophy, anyway, what with his view of outsiders. Or what she perceived that view to be, anyway. But it wasn't really about where a person was from. It was about trust. Dell had simply learned to not have much of it.

"Jesus had this line," Mae said some minutes later, "that he'd use with new clients at the center. He called himself a bit more fabulous than the original, but don't tell Him I said that."

Dell smiled. "He sounds like a fun guy."

Mae was quiet for too long before she simply said, "Yeah."

It felt like a bookend, that yeah, confirmed by the silence that stretched behind it, and Dell decided to let it lie. His own mind wandered in the quiet, as the road approached McMinnville, as the traffic piled up. He fucking hated this part of the drive, an endless stretch through suburbs, the peace of the Coastal Range gone too fast. He focused on letting his mind wander, to anywhere that wasn't here. Anywhere that avoided the reality of Dell soon being in Portland, of his own volition.

He traveled to Michigan instead.

Dell had already forgotten half the names Mae had just filled the last hour talking about, but it made him wonder. What names Dell would list, if Mae turned the question around. Asked him about his own friends.

Mae already knew Liv.

She didn't know about Luca, not really, even though he knew he should tell her more about him soon, if hopefully in a better manner than he'd told Luca about her. But was Luca truly a friend, anyway?

His chest hurt with the answer.

He'd had friends, back in his Portland days, but looking back, any of the decent ones were really Lauren's friends. He wondered if they'd even mourned his absence much, after he left in the abrupt way he did, but he stopped that line of wondering real quick. There wasn't a point, especially this long after the fact, to wonder shit like that. The co-workers he'd gotten to know, the wide community of real estate agents in the city had been friendly but largely superficial. There was a small portion of folks he'd have a beer with again.

But when it came to friendship, the kind of bond Mae clearly felt with all these people he was about to meet—Dell wasn't sure if he'd had any of those since the UP.

It had felt logical to him for most of his adult life. That there simply wasn't anything else exactly like childhood to connect you to another human being. That there was a rawness, a realness that you lost once you became an adult. And Dell was a person who'd felt like an adult since he was about fourteen.

Still, for the first time in a long time, he let himself think about Ryan, about Chris and Waylon. The rest of the guys from the baseball team. Wondered what they were up to, these days. If Chris and Waylon were still in the UP. If Ryan was still in Chicago.

"Hey," Mae said, and Dell blinked back to the present. They were already cruising through Tigard, on the outskirts of the city. His skin prickled. "Did Bay Books ever make the cut? For who you follow on Instagram?"

For a half second, Dell didn't respond, still mentally navigating back to here, to the fact that he was about to be in Portland. A fact he'd somehow been real good at ignoring, even as the miles passed by.

And after that half second, once Mae's question actually sank in, he still didn't respond, feeling caught out. He'd waited a day or two, so as not to be obvious. But he figured she already knew. That he'd followed her that very first week, when she'd told him the username.

"Yeah," he said. "You did."

She turned her head toward her window, but he still caught her smile.