Chapter 15

"It's beena while since I've slept this close to someone," Mae said to the back of Vik's head three hours later, as they spooned under the Pendleton blanket in the ADU. "I apologize in advance if I end up humping you."

After Mae had gotten ahold of herself and shown Vik everything that existed of Bae Books thus far, she'd given them a tour of the town. Which took about ten minutes—and Liv hadn't even been at the IGA, making the whole venture a bit of a bust—so then they'd gone to the beach. Where Mae got weepy again, over Jesus, over the fact that she didn't visit the beach as much as she'd thought she would, over the fact that such a beautiful place that spoke to her so deeply could also be so cruel and complicated.

Finally, she'd brought Vik here. Vik had fallen in love immediately, video calling Jackson to show him the tiny space. Jackson, in turn, showed Mae his breadmaking station, and Mae's chest hurt, seeing his and Vik's home again, even if it was through the jerky, pixelated view of Greyfin Bay Wi-Fi.

Vik let out a half asleep snort.

"No one since Eden, huh?"

"Nope." Mae popped the p into Vik's curls. Her mind was barely functioning, but still, she tried to do some mental calculation. It must have been at least a year now, since it all blew up with Eden. Felt longer, though.

Some years felt short. The ones where you lost someone, though. Those felt like forever.

After a moment, she added, deep in the reflective haze a surprising, exhausting day thrusts upon a person, "You know, I think Jesus partly gave me all this money because he was so horrified by what she did. Like he worried I was so heartbroken by it. But…"

Vik shifted, blinking open their eyes to look at her.

That day in the hospital with Jesus had receded in Mae's mind, faded in the loud hum of her new life. But it was always there, every word he'd said, whenever Mae was strong enough to retrieve them. I know that woman hurt you.

I want you to trust the world again.

"The honest truth is…I've hardly thought about her. I know what she did was fucked up."

And maybe it was weird, that Mae had been able to get over it so easily. Finding out that Eden had actually been married the whole five months they'd dated. With a kid, no less. It had hurt like hell at the time, of course. One of the most appalling things that had ever happened to her. But when Mae thought of Eden now, she simply felt…nothing.

"The only people I actually keep thinking about, since I've been out here? Are Jesus and Becks. The first girl I fell in love with, like, ages ago." Mae huffed out a small laugh at herself. "Like all the shit that happened in my life in between Becks and Jesus's death…"

Mae trailed off, wondering what she was actually trying to say.

"Your body remembers," Vik filled in. "The shit that's important."

"Yeah." Mae nodded, looking into Vik's eyes in gratitude. "That…feels exactly what it's like." She turned onto her back, staring at the slanted ceiling.

Your body remembers the shit that's important.

And in the end, someone who betrayed so many people in their life for that many months simply wasn't that important.

Maybe Becks felt nothing when she thought about Mae now, too, even though Mae told herself it was different. That Eden had betrayed her family and Mae for months as a grown woman, while Mae only harbored one misguided night after a show when she was young.

But maybe it was still okay if Mae wasn't the important shit to Becks anymore.

She wished she could go back to the hospital that day. The acute need to assure him that he was wrong filled her bones, the injustice that he died worrying about the wrong things. Eden hurt me but I'm okay, she wanted to shout. I wish you could see our store, Jesus.

"You know what's funny, though," she added, the words seeming to come out of nowhere, "Dell acted like it wasn't even a big deal, what I did to Becks."

Vik had turned to stare at the ceiling too; their shoulders smooshed tightly together in the small bed. Mae felt Vik turn their head.

"You told Dell about Becks?"

"Yeah." Mae's cheeks heated. "In my defense, there was champagne involved."

Viks snorted again before returning their gaze to the ceiling. "Huh."

"Get out of here with your huhs." Mae attempted to shove Vik's shoulder with her own.

"I'm just saying!" Vik laughed. "I knew you had a crush on the guy; I didn't know you were in love with him."

"Excuse you!" Mae exclaimed. "I will kick you out of this bed this instant!"

"Dell's bed, you mean?"

Mae sighed. "Fuck." And then, "When did you know I had a crush on him?"

"Oh, pretty much the moment you came back to Portland after we spread Jesus's ashes. You got all flushed and flustered anytime you talked about him."

"I—" Mae crossed her arms over herself under the covers, accidentally elbowing Vik in the gut in the process. I hated him, actually, almost slipped out of her mouth, but Vik was too smart for that. "Okay, but I am not in love with him. I can't be."

"What do you mean, you can't be?"

"Because I think he's seeing someone else."

"Oh." The laughter died from Vik's voice right quick.

"Yeah. They might just be fuck buddies, but either way?—"

"Complicated."

"Yeah." And then, "Do you think I attract complicated or something? Am I involving myself in toxic cycles without fully understanding myself?"

"Oh, Mae." Vik flopped dramatically back to their side, throwing an arm over Mae's stomach. "You know it's sexy when you talk psychology to me."

"I'm serious. Maybe I'm more fucked up than I think I am."

"Mae, I think you might be the most well adjusted of all of us."

Mae released an affronted guffaw. "That cannot possibly be true."

"Have you seen that gorgeous bookstore you've created in like, a month?"

"The bookstore's not done. And functional doesn't mean well adjusted."

"I really think you're both."

"Why do I feel weirdly offended right now?"

Vik smiled into Mae's shoulder. "And I know you're in love with Dell," they said, "because you're drinking champagne with him and telling him about Becks. Am I wrong that the only other people you've told about your one youthful foray into cheating are me and Jesus?"

Mae opened and closed her mouth as she contemplated the question.

"No," she finally admitted. "Not wrong."

"Anyway," Vik added, "I'd fall in love with the person who built this ADU, too."

"God, Vik." Mae groaned. "He is so fucking sexy I can barely stand it."

"And we're sure he's attached to this fuck buddy?"

Mae bit her lip, thinking about that blush on Dell's cheeks yesterday. God. That had only been yesterday.

"Yeah," she whispered. "I think so."

"Well," Vik said on a wistful sigh, "either way, I can't wait to meet this Dell McCleary."

"Yeah." Mae smiled sadly at the ceiling. "You should give him as much shit as humanly possible." And then, after a minute, the words tumbled out of her, spoken in barely a whisper but feeling like they were screaming out of her chest: "Vik, do you think I'll ever actually belong here?"

Vik raised their head.

"I need your brutal honesty here."

Vik took their time before answering.

"I think you've moved around a fair amount, Mae, like most of us have. So I think you know that it takes a while to belong anywhere."

"Yeah." There were a few native Oregonians among them: Jackson, Ozzy. Steve had been, too. But most of them, like Mae, came from other places. Sometimes, many other places.

"This place might just feel a little scarier than the others. For lots of reasons. But if you want to belong here, Mae? You will." A pause. "You can belong anywhere."

Another pause, just long enough for a lump to form in Mae's throat.

But still.

Still.

Even with Vik's kind words.

Mae was scared.

"Someone threw a brick through my window," she whispered. "What if I never get over that?"

Vik's hand came to Mae's face. Caressed her cheek.

"The human brain is incredible," they whispered back. "It has gotten over so many worse things than one brick."

Mae knew the words were true. She still felt pretty scared, just then, but she tried to tell herself to remember. That she still had books. That Vik's words were true.

And then a totally different question formed out of the ether, one she was shocked, upon its arrival, she hadn't already contemplated.

She supposed she had been too busy being selfish.

"Vik?"

"Hm?"

"Is anyone mad at me? About the money?"

Vik shrugged; their shoulder dragged against Mae's.

"I doubt anyone's mad at you. We all knew how close you and Jesus were; it wasn't like it was a surprise. Jackson and I are in a good spot these days, so jealousy didn't occur to me. Honestly, if anyone is salty about it, I feel like there's probably grief mixed up in those feelings, which…isn't on you."

"Yeah."

"And even the salty among us probably knows, deep down, that you were the best person to receive Jesus and Steve's money anyway. Like, I hate that it took you away from Portland, but it also didn't surprise any of us that it took you literally less than twenty-four hours after spreading the man's ashes to create a whole new life plan with his inheritance."

Mae's mouth curved.

"You know what I would've done?" Vik continued. "Put it into savings and guilt-stressed about it for years."

"I mean, that sounds like the much smarter option, by far."

"Nah." Vik shook their curls back and forth. "Jesus would've hated that. He would've loved this, though."

"I hope so," Mae whispered.

"Nah. You know so."

Mae kept staring at the ceiling. The atoms inside her, around them, settled, deep and peaceful.

"Thanks for coming, Vik. Even when I told you not to."

Vik kissed her cheek.

"Any time."

* * *

When Dell entered the bookstore the following day, the first thing he heard was giggles.

Which was a bit confounding, as the last time he'd seen Mae, she had seemed barely functional. He'd stayed away this morning for as long as he could stand it, giving her space.

He frowned when he walked further into the shop and deduced that the giggles were coming from the bathroom. And that they were coming from more than just Mae.

When he turned into the alcove that was to be Mae's planned reading area, where the restroom was tucked into the corner, he saw first the head of dark curls next to Mae's pink bun. And then he noticed the walls.

"Mae?"

The dark-haired one jumped, turning with a smile.

"Dell McCleary," they said, in such a way that Dell temporarily wondered if he should twirl on his heel and get out of dodge now.

"One and the same," he eventually mustered.

"Dell!" Mae emerged behind her friend, eyes bright with laughter. Somehow, in the last twelve hours, Mae had apparently gone through a 180. Dell was glad to see it, and simultaneously, pettily disappointed that he hadn't had a damn thing to do with it.

"Dell, this is Vik, Bay Books's graphic designer and my friend from Portland. They use they/them pronouns. Vik, this is Dell."

Vik had a sturdy handshake. "It's a pleasure," they smiled.

"Likewise." Dell's eyes slid to Mae. "And Vik is helping you decorate the bathroom?"

"Oh, yes. It's been one of the last big jobs on my list for forever. I think I was waiting for Vik to come help me." Mae stepped back inside the small room, gesturing for Dell to follow. He'd almost laughed at for forever, almost reminded her that she'd been in Greyfin Bay for barely over thirty days. Most folks took months to accomplish what she had somehow done in one. There was something so cute about her berating herself for not getting to bathroom decoration yet, when he still had at least seven bookshelves to complete, that he struggled to keep the grin from his mouth.

When he fully blinked inside the surprisingly bright room, though, the grin came to an abrupt halt.

"What do you think?"

Dell attempted to gather his thoughts.

"More wallpaper, huh?"

"Yeah, and let me tell you, having someone help you wallpaper makes the job go by way faster. And I've been dying to put these prints up."

Mae held an illustration of Bea Arthur against a turquoise background, encased in a gaudy gold frame, up to her chest.

Dell glanced, again, between the huge palm fronds of the wallpaper, the pastel-painted Golden Girls in their Rococo frames, and the much more sophisticated palette Mae had cultivated in the store.

"This design style is…different." He had never felt so fully South Florida in the middle of the Oregon Coast.

"It's for Jesus!" Mae shouted, eyes glittering even brighter.

Vik circled a hand in the air, speaking in capital letters and an indiscernible accent: "Une Toilette pour le Gay Men of a Certain Age."

Dell stared at both of them.

"You're dedicating…the bathroom? To your best friend?"

"Oh, I think he'd be honored," Vik said easily, and Mae nodded forcefully in reply.

"It's an important room."

And…Dell found he could not disagree with Mae there, at least.

"What do you think?" Vik held up another framed painting. "Is Dell more a Blanche or a Rose?"

"Sophia," Mae answered immediately, and Dell frowned. He was obviously, clearly, a Dorothy.

"I'll leave you to it," he said, finally turning to leave as he should have done ten minutes ago.

"Dell, wait! I have an important question for you."

Mae scampered into the shop after him. Dell absolutely did not turn in time to note how Mae's scampering made her chest bounce.

"I'm actually going to head back to Portland with Vik tomorrow, to get some more of my things from storage. I left a lot of winter coats and things and there's some furniture I want and—well, I know it's a big ask, but I was wondering if I could borrow your truck. I won't be able to bring back as much in my little Kia. And I have had experience driving trucks before, just as an FYI, so I'd take good care of it."

Dell stared at her. His brain had stopped fully comprehending things the moment she'd said head back to Portland, but slowly, delayed, it filled in the rest.

"Your little Kia won't make it over the pass in winter," he heard himself say.

Mae frowned.

"It does just fine. But also, it's not winter yet. And also, I'm asking to use your truck."

Dell looked away, scratching at his beard. "Just something I've been thinking about."

And now Mae stared at him.

"Anyway," she said after a long beat, "so can I use it?"

Eventually, Dell returned his gaze to her face. She looked so happy, like Vik's visit had restored her, and it made some jealous, irrational part of him frightened, in a real way this time. Not in the bullshit way he'd reasoned it away to Luca.

Mae needed friends like Vik.

She wasn't admitting it to herself. But she probably needed Portland, too.

"I'll take you," he said.

Mae blinked. Something in her face softened, her shoulders sinking.

"You'll…go to Portland with me?"

"Yeah." Dell scratched his beard again. "You can use my truck, but only if I'm driving it."

Mae looked at him, eyes inscrutable.

"You don't have to do that, Dell." Her voice had turned too gentle, in a way that itched underneath his skin. "I know you don't like going to Portland. It's okay; I can just take my car. I certainly crammed an impressive amount of stuff in there the first time. I understand if you don't trust me with the truck."

Dell did trust her with the truck. Mae was an incredibly competent person.

But…dammit, she hadn't let him help her yesterday. It was still hard to swallow, that while he'd been sipping coffee with Luca twenty miles north, Liv and Olive had been cleaning up the mess some asshole had made for Mae. On any other day, Dell would've already been here. Maybe he would have been able to fix it before Mae had even seen it. He could not believe he didn't already have security cameras installed on the building.

He could at least help her with this.

"It's fine," he said. "I can handle Portland for a day. I'd like to help. Unless…" He swallowed, unease finally sliding through his bluster, shame hiding behind that unease. "Unless you were planning a longer trip."

Mae broke her stare, stealing a glance at the front window.

"Honestly, part of me was hoping I could hide away until the glass is replaced, so I don't have to keep staring at that plywood, but…realistically, I was planning on staying just a couple days, to get my stuff and see my friends. Thought I'd head back here Saturday morning. If…that would be okay with you?"

Her eyes flitted back to Dell's. And even if the idea of spending two days in Portland made his stomach tight, he saw it then, in the gleam of her eyes, the twitch in the corner of her mouth. She looked…hopeful. Like she wanted him to come.

And goddammit. Hell and tarnation. Dell was lost with that.

"Yeah," he said. "That'd be okay with me."