25: MEADOW

I've received four more letters since I last wrote him the letter about how deeply my pain went over him sharing his body with Sharla.

It was difficult for me to write again after that. He's written letters sharing memories of our past, but never acknowledging my last letter.

I don't know if that underscores the depth of my pain or relieves me that we're not focused on our sorrows.

I climb out of the car and peer inside the grocery bag at the contents. My heart aches, and my belly roils at the thought of everything that I need to do to prepare for the next year of my life.

I always thought Onyx would be right here with me at every juncture. Not once had I planned for any season of my life to be without my husband.

I set the bags on the table, change into my bathing suit, pack a tote, and head back outside and down the path to my familiar spot on the beach. It has become the place where I read all his letters, and I'm not certain if I chose the spot or if it chose me.

I roll the blanket out over the sand and settle my hat on my head, smiling at the memory of the sunflower hat story that we recently shared. I had packed it up along with the other things I packed when leaving Charleston.

Sitting cross-legged, I adjust the wrap around my waist, ensuring to cover my ass cheeks that peer from underneath my bathing suit. Applying a bit of sunscreen and then my shades, I finally pull the letter out of the little bag that I carried down here.

The sun is beaming brightly overhead today, and it makes me think of better days. Days when my life was full of hope and joy. Days where I remember laughing and loving.

These days, despite the sun shining, it seems my days are full of clouds, tears, and sorrow. The only time that I truly smile is when I'm with Claire. She always finds a way to make me laugh and smile.

Speaking of...

"Hey, neighbor!" I call out in greeting as Claire approaches my blanket.

"Hey, yourself. Thought I'd come out here and work on this tan a little more."

"If you get any more sun, Claire, they might think that you're my older sister."

Laughing, she says, "You think I'm at risk of turning black?"

"I'm just saying. That tan definitely doesn't make you look like a white woman anymore."

"What have you got there?" she asks, nodding at the envelope in my hand.

"A letter from Onyx. We've been writing to each other back and forth lately. I stopped taking his calls, and he resorted to writing to me."

"You finally told him where you were, huh?"

"Not in so many words. I mean, he knows that I'm on the island but not my exact location. I gave him the PO Box number to send me any mail that I might need."

"Mm," she says thoughtfully.

"What does that mean?"

"It means that you're working your way through some things. You've given the man an indirect invitation to visit you here."

"How so?"

"Anyone with a little bit of computer skills and foresight could track you down from the PO Box you gave if they're smart enough."

"No, he wouldn't do that," I say, shaking my head.

"Never underestimate a man determined to get his woman back. He'll do whatever is necessary to make that happen."

"Mm," I murmur.

"What's that mean?" she teases me back, elbowing me.

I laugh and pull the letter free.

"Well, I'll let you get back to reading the letter."

"No. Wait," I say, grabbing her elbow.

She looks at me curiously.

"I may need a bit of cleaning up when I'm done reading. I tend to get emotional over these letters. You might have to psychoanalyze me. You know, I think you missed your calling. All that handcrafted jewelry that you make from bits of seashells is beautiful, but you really could have been a therapist or something. Not that I needed it, but talking to you has helped me a lot."

"Good. But you're not too far off the mark."

"What does that mean?"

"I am a licensed psychologist. I have been for thirty-two years."

I stare at her with bewilderment. "Are you serious?"

She nods. "I am. It's why I made my way out there to you in the water that evening when we first met. I've seen one too many suicidal people. I was worried about you, but after talking with you for a bit, I knew that wasn't your mindset. You were safe, so I left you alone."

"But I didn't say anything."

"It wasn't what you said or didn't say. It was your lack of action. You weren't desperate. You were simply seeking peace from your troubling thoughts."

I smile at her and reach for her hand. She squeezes mine in return.

I turn my gaze to the letter and begin reading it silently.

MJ,

I know that you think I was ignoring what you said in the last letter that you wrote to me. I wasn't. I just didn't want to try and placate you with empty words and phrases.

So, I took time to think about what I wanted to say.

What I want to say is that I know that I hurt you. I know that my actions hurt, as well as the words that I spoke and those that I didn't speak. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't trying to hurt you.

Although I fought the temptation to be with Sharla for quite a while, when I gave in, I finally gave in, not giving a damn about your feelings. I was wrong.

I wanted you to hurt the way that you hurt me. When I stopped to think about it, that was the true motive behind my decision to tell you about Sharla. It was also the reason that I didn't delete those messages from my phone or change my passcode.

I was a selfish bastard full of anger and hurt, and I wanted to lash out against you.

You were already hurting, and you didn't deserve my childish behavior. I never thought that I was truly worthy of your love, MJ. You were always a good person. An even better woman. I took our marriage and your love for granted and for that, I'm sorry.

I decided to send Sharla to our NYC office to head up the HR division there, but she had an even better plan. She resigned and moved back to California where she's opening her own business. There will be no need for her and me to interact anymore.

Aside from that, I've been taking a deeper look at myself. I was so busy trying to push you to counseling that I didn't realize that I needed it, too. I have begun seeing a therapist, and although I've only had three sessions so far, it's helped me to look deep within and begin to unlock some stuff that I had to deal with.

The affirmations that I always needed from women was because my mother was the only one to affirm me, but not my father. Hell, I could write a book on that.

I'm not telling you this to make excuses. I'm just letting you know that I'm finally dealing with my shit, too. I want the same for you, but I can't force you to do what you don't see as useful.

I pray that one day, you will let me back in and that my love could be the healing that you need.

I saw Caleb and the twins the other day. They're getting so big, and all I could think about was what a great mother you would be.

We were supposed to start our own beautiful family, but I got off track, becoming scared with the weight of it all. Rather than talking to you, I balked and shut down about the subject, and being thankful each time that you got your period.

I was such a bastard, and I'm sorry, baby.

Anyway, I have to go. There are some things I need to take care of.

Until next time,

O.

I look up and wipe the tears from my face.

"How are you feeling?"

"I uh...Claire, I miss him so much."

"Why don't you take a walk back up to that cute, cozy cottage and call him and tell him just that. No pressure for anything to happen. Just see where the phone call takes you."

Smiling, I lean in and hug her.

"You're right."

We both stand, and she helps me pack my things back into my tote. I walk back up the beach and to the cottage but stop at the grocery bags. Peering inside, I pull the box out and head to the bathroom.

I've been thinking about selling my dance studio lately, but I want to make sure that whomever I sell it to will have the same passion and drive that I did if not more. They need to love and embrace those girls as if they were their own the same way that I did.

Sadness fills me because I'm not sure that anyone could love the studio and those girls more than I did. I've been in touch with Holly, and she sometimes puts them on FaceTime to talk to me. I know they miss me as much as I miss them.

I told them that I was taking a sabbatical and that when I saw them again, there would be news to share. I haven't told them whether the news will be good or bad, but like the bright spirits they are, they're positive and assume the best.

Holly isn't as hopeful. As an adult, she's more aware of the truth in the world, and she's seen how the assault affected me. Although I haven't told her about Onyx and the troubles my marriage has endured, she suspects that all isn't well at home.

Pulling my panties down to use the bathroom, I stare into the mirror on the wall across from me.

At what point did I lose the brightness in my eyes? Was it the day of the attack or just before or just after?

Claire is right. I cannot continue giving my power to other people. I am a strong woman, and I will no longer allow myself to wallow in pain and misery.

I know what I want for my life now.

A little chuckle falls from my lips as I think about how much I've changed since I've been on Kiawah Island. I needed time and space to be alone.

Without my family, friends, and husband in my ear telling me what I need to do, I have so much more clarity now than ever.