26: MEADOW

Involuntarily, my eyes slide sideways, landing on the offending objects.

There's no denying it. The eggshell oblong stick confirms what I've known in my heart for the last couple of weeks. The two faint pink lines in the window glare back at me accusingly.

That's the second test that I took. How can something I've prayed for during the last two years come when my life is in such turmoil?

They have both been sitting on the edge of the counter since I took the pregnancy test yesterday. This was supposed to be such a joyous and happy time for me. For us.

Now here I am pregnant, and my husband and I are in two different places. I know what he says that he wants in his letters, but is that true, or are those words just to lure me back in?

I've said time and time again that Onyx isn't used to being told no.

I walk out of the bathroom and head to the living room. Grabbing my tote, my oversized straw hat with the large sunflower, and my sunglasses, I head out of the cottage and down to the beach.

The sun is up high, and it's noon on a beautiful Saturday. The laughter of beach visitors trickles down to the area of the beach that I'm on.

Although it's not secluded, there are fewer people at this end than at the other public part of the beach. The end that I'm at is sprinkled with the families staying in the cottages surrounding mine.

I lay the oversized beach towel out and pull my umbrella from my tote. Opening it, I try sticking it in the ground, but it tumbles over.

"Need help with that?"

I look up to see Matt walking towards me. He's beaming, and a bright smile takes over his eyes.

"Sure," I tell him.

He grabs the handle and jabs it expertly and proficiently into the sand.

Sitting down, I gesture to the empty portion of my towel and say, "Have a seat."

"Don't mind if I do," he says, taking a seat beside me.

He pulls his legs up to his chest and wraps his arms around them.

"I just wanted to thank you."

"For?"

"Giving my mom hope again."

Turning to stare at him blankly, I ask, "How's that?"

He shakes his head and smiles. "Mom can be a bit of an enigma. She's got all this sage advice, life experience, and bountiful talents, but she doesn't use them for her own good, but for others."

"I can understand that. She's a beautiful soul, Matt, and she wants to give more than she wants to receive."

"Mm."

"I'm sure by now you know that she's a licensed psychologist."

I nod.

"Well, she hasn't been practicing...at least not until you came around."

"Why's that?"

"She didn't think that she was fit to be giving anyone any advice. Not after all she'd been through."

"With your father, you mean?"

"No. With the cancer."

"Cancer?"

He nods. "Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer about six years ago. She thought that she'd beat it, but it came back again three years ago."

"I'm sorry, Matt, I didn't know."

"She doesn't tell people. She says the world is burdened down enough, and people got their own problems as is. They don't need hers to add to them."

"We all need someone, though."

Nodding, he says, "That's what I tried telling her, but she wouldn't listen. She thought it was her mission to be there for others, and if she couldn't accomplish that, then what was her purpose. Mom went into a dark depression. No one could reach her, not even me. She'd be holed up in her cottage for days on end without stepping out."

"I thought she said that she hadn't missed a sunrise in twenty-two years?"

He nods. "She hasn't. She would get up and go into the living room and watch it from the window, but she'd turn around and go back to bed again. She said that the sun rising gave her hope. If she could see it rise, then that meant she'd lived to see another day. But nothing was inspiring for her beyond that."

"Wow. She's such a bright spark it's hard to see Claire that way."

"I know. At one point, things got so dark that she became suicidal. Walked right out into that ocean and tried to end it all."

Understanding dawns on me now. It's why she came to me that day when I was in the ocean and why she assumed that's what I was going to do.

"Who stopped her?"

Shaking his head, he says, "No one person as much as a revelation. She said that when the water knocked her feet from underneath her, she had a vision of a young woman doing the same thing. And that if she wasn't here, then she wouldn't be able to stop that woman and anyone after that."

"When did she tell you this?"

Shrugging, he says, "About a year ago."

Deep emotions rise within me, but I press my hand against my eyes to stop the tears that want to come.

"So, the cancer," I prompt him to continue his story.

"She beat it again, but after struggling with depression for so long, she didn't think she was the best person to counsel anyone."

"That's even more reason why she's perfect to do that job. Someone who has gone through things that other people have would have more sound logic and would be more relatable than someone who hasn't gone through anything."

"I've tried telling her that, but she wouldn't listen. I don't know what it was you said or didn't say, but in the couple of months that you've been here, you've done her a world of good."

"I don't think that I've done anything."

"You've done more than you know. She looks forward to your encounters. She told me the other day that she's going to start taking clients again."

"That's wonderful news!"

"Yeah, so I just wanted to thank you for everything," Matt says, leaning in and wrapping his arm around me in a one-shoulder hug.

"You're welcome," I say, turning and giving him a full-body embrace.

My heart slams against my rib cage as I meet the darkest gaze that I've ever seen.

Where in the hell did he come from, and is that jealousy I see in his gaze?

God, he's never looked more beautiful yet exhausted at the same time. Are those dark shadows underneath his eyes?

I want to run to him and kiss him. I want to hold him, but I won't. I can't. But God, how I miss and love that man. He's so beautiful.

"Onyx?"

Matt pulls back and turns to stare behind him. He smiles up at Onyx and stands. He reaches down to help me stand.

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm asking myself that same question now," he says in a growl.

Interesting.

"Matt, this is Onyx. Onyx, this is Matt," I say, not bothering to further the introductions.

Matt reaches his hand out to Onyx who glares at it. Matt looks between the two of us, brushes his hand over his hair and says, "Well, I guess I'd better be going. I just wanted to share that news about Mom and thank you."

"You're welcome, honey. I'll see you later," I call out to him.

He's already walking away, but he glances at Onyx before glancing back to me and says, "Sure."

I stare after him for a while, but my heart is rejoicing over what he's told me.

"Is that what you've been doing on this island for the last couple of months?"

"Excuse me?"

"Look, MJ. I know that I fucked up, but the last thing that I was trying to do was run you into the arms of another man."

Shaking my head, I say, "First, you come down here uninvited, and I don't even want to ask how you found me. Then you all but accuse me of sleeping with someone while I'm still married," I hiss, glaring at him.

His face turns red, displaying his shame.

"Why are you here?"

"I'm here because I cannot live without you, MJ. I don't want to do life without you at my side."

I turn my teary gaze away from my husband and down the beach to take in the increasingly growing crowd of people. It's the start of Labor Day weekend so before the day is out, I'm sure this place will become packed.

"And you figured that out when?"

"Can we talk? Please," he says.

"Sure," I say, looking back at my towel.

Onyx leans down and packs my items back in my tote and loops it over my shoulder. He frees my umbrella from the sand and extends his hand towards me.

I look at his hand and then back at him. The grace of God fills me, and I take my husband's hand and allow him to lead me back up the path.

"Which one is yours?" he asks, pointing at the cottages.

"The peach and teal one with the scalloped shutters."

Chuckling, he says, "The gingerbread looking house."

"That's the one."

"Not surprised that you would select something so cutesy."

"Is that bad?"

"Nah, it's just you," he says, smiling at me.

I feel like the sun is beaming down on me, gracing me with love and joy.

When we step inside, he sets my tote on the couch and takes a seat on one of the pillows. Patting the cushion beside him, he says, "Come on. Let's talk."

I shake my head and take the loveseat opposite him instead.

"How did you find me?"

"Thought you didn't want to know."

"I do."

"God."

"What?"

"God brought me here."

Laughing in confusion, I shake my head. "You've never been a religious man, Onyx. What are you talking about?"

"I spent thousands of dollars on an investigator trying to find you."

"I asked you not to," I seethe.

"And I stopped when you did. I paid his bill in completion and asked him to stop. I wasn't sure what I should do next, but I knew that I wanted you home. It broke me knowing that you didn't want to be found. The day that I read the letter that you sent to me about how you felt knowing that I'd shared my body with Sharla, it broke something inside of me. You were crying when you wrote that letter."

I nod, unable to speak.

"I asked God that day to bring you back to me. From that day on, I prayed daily for you to come back."

"But I haven't."

"No, but I believe that He brought me to you."

"How?" I ask, laughing nervously.

"The family is here on Kiawah Island for the holiday. We're at the other end of the island, though. I needed time away from everyone. My cousins, sister, parents, aunt and uncle, and all their damn kids. Not having you with me while everyone else had their significant other made me feel so lonely. Even Danica is there with some guy."

Tears fall down my face, and he wipes them away.

"So, I stepped away and took a walk. I just walked down the beach, lost in thought, praying to God and thinking about you."

He laughs humorlessly.

"What?"

"When I looked up and saw you, I wasn't even sure that I was really seeing you. I thought I'd finally gone crazy. So, I kept walking just to see, hoping to touch you and see if you were real."

"Then you saw Matt hugging me."

He nods.

"I want and need to be where you are, MJ. I'm not giving up on you this time. I refused to sign the papers because I won't give you up. When you told me not to sign them, that was the happiest day of my life. And though you couldn't give me any answers at the time, it was enough to know that you didn't want me to sign them yet. That gave me hope. I love you, and I never stopped even though I fucked up MJ."

"I never doubted if you loved me, O. I doubted if I was enough for you."

"You were more than enough for me. The problem was that I didn't know how to handle you."

"What does that mean, Onyx?"

"When we said our vows, it was for better or worse. I was there for you during your worst, but I stumbled along the way. You thought that I was enough to make you well and to protect you. That expectation was more than I could handle. Some things will just be too big for you and me to handle. That's where we'll have to take a knee and ask for help. Now, all I ask in return is that you'd be here for my worst, too. Please, let's work this out."

"That takes time. I mean, even if I'm willing, this isn't something that will happen overnight. I won't be moving back into the house tomorrow, or next week, or even next month."

"But you would be willing to work through this with me?"

I pause and consider what he's asking of me.

"I would be willing to attend joint counseling sessions together."

"You would?"

"I've been attending counseling without even knowing it," I share.

I tell him about Claire, how we first met, and the time we've spent together.

"The reason that I never wanted to go is related to the same reason I had difficulty accepting your wealth. My father taught us that it was not okay and that mental health meant you were crazy. Anyone considered remotely crazy was to be hidden away, and the family only discussed them in hushed tones.

"In the black community we shun mental health, therapy, psychological challenges, and everything related to it. It's been a way of life for us, and it's hard to accept that struggling with things like depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues is not taboo. That doesn"t make us bad people.

"Speaking with Claire was like talking to my aunt or a close friend. I was comfortable and at ease. When I realized that she was a psychologist, I was shocked but not upset. It made me more amenable to attending counseling sessions. There are so many principles that we've bought into as a culture that's just wrong."

"We weren't taught that. Perhaps it had something to do with my father being white versus my mom being black. Maybe there was some sort of balance there. I don't know. However, I've been going to counseling myself," Onyx says, surprising me.

"I never would have expected you to go to counseling."

"I needed it as much as you did. Ian said as much to me, but I didn't agree. After a while, I realized that I did need it, as well. So, if we're doing this thing together, when are you coming back? I know that you said you didn't want to come back to the house, but I'd be willing to leave and let you stay there for a while. I can get a hotel or a place in town."

Shaking my head, I say, "No. I think I'll stay here."

"How is that going to work, MJ?"

"We'll find ways if we're willing to make it work. I can come to town a couple of weekends of the month, and you can come to the island a couple of weekends in the month. When I come to town to visit my family, I can stop in and see you if your schedule permits."

"My schedule will always have room for you, love."

"I'm scared, Onyx."

"I know, MJ. And I can't say that I haven't given you a reason to be. I'm just asking that you be with me and that we take this one day at a time."

My stomach tightens as I prepare to say what's coming next.

"Onyx, I um...I don't know if you can handle this. I don't know what it's going to take for me to be comfortable becoming intimate with you again. Every time that thought arises, I get angry, and I cry and I..."

I cannot finish my sentence as my emotions overwhelm me.

Onyx moves from his seat to come and sit beside me on the love seat.

"Hey," he says, wrapping his arms around me. "I know this won't be easy for either of us, MJ. But I'm in it for the long haul. No matter how difficult or stressful this might become, I'm here for you. I just need to know that you're here for me, too. It's going to take both of us if we want this to work."

I break down, sobbing further and turn to him. "Onyx, I've put all the blame for the failing of our marriage on you. I'm sorry. You weren't to blame alone. You gave me everything that you had to give in the beginning. You've been by my side even when I didn't want this...want us anymore. I've failed you, O, as a friend, as a lover, and as a wife. I'm sorry."

"Hey, all we can do is take it one day at a time. The journey won't always be easy, but I guarantee if we work through it together, it will be worth it."

Onyx leans in closer and presses a kiss to my forehead.

"Can I use your bathroom?" he asks, looking around.

"Yes. It's right through there," I say, pointing at the door to the bedroom.

The tiny cottage has one bedroom with an attached bathroom, a kitchen, a dining room, and a living room. That's all the space that I've needed while I've taken time out for me.

At the last minute, I jump up, rushing by him.

"Just a minute. I didn't clean the bathroom."

"It's okay, MJ. I just need to use the toilet."

"Just give me a second," I say, pushing the bedroom door open.

I slip into the bathroom and brush my hand against the pregnancy sticks, shoving them into the trash can just as Onyx pushes the door open.

I cleaned the bathroom this morning, so the trash can is empty. The sticks make a soft "thunk" into the can.

I turn the water on in the sink to cover any more noise. As I grab several paper towels to shove in there to cover the sticks and the boxes, Onyx pushes the door open and glances into the can.

Before I can react, he grabs the trash can and pulls one of the sticks out of the can.

"Give me that!" I shout, reaching for the stick he holds in the air over his head.

Onyx slowly lowers his arm and turns his back to me as he looks at the stick. A different type of nausea rushes through me as I turn and walk away with my arms wrapped protectively around my midsection.

I wanted to do this my way and on my own terms. There's no way that he's going to let that happen now. I needed time to acclimate to the idea of being pregnant and raising a child no matter what happens in our marriage.

When he turns back to me, his eyes are full of hurt and sadness.

"When were you going to tell me?"

"Onyx, I just found out myself. I haven't had a chance to allow it to sink in yet. I...well, you know that my cycle has never been regular which created false hope in the past. I missed the first month and didn't think anything about it. I missed my cycle again last month and thought it might be due to the stress I've been under. But when it didn't come again this month, I decided to check.

"Last night, I went to the store and got some groceries and this," I say, waving a dismissive hand at the pregnancy test as if it weren't anything. "I took it last night and couldn't believe the results. I took the second one and when it came back as a positive, too, I was rocked. I left it on the sink overnight because I thought...what if this was all a dream and I woke up in the morning to disappointment?"

"But you suspected it. You suspected it, and you never breathed a word to me," he says in a pained voice.

"I'm sorry. I didn't want to jump to conclusions, and I wanted to make sure I knew first before saying something to you. Besides, we've been going through a lot. The last thing I wanted was for you to come back to me because of a child. I don't want that kind of marriage."

"I never wanted you to leave in the first place, MJ. Don't you see that? What can I do or say to get that through to you?"

"I know, Onyx."

He grips my shoulders, ducks his head, and stares into my eyes. "Baby, remember what I just said about the journey not being easy?"

I nod.

"Well, this is us taking our first step on that excursion. You're not on this journey alone. Trust me to be what you need when you need it, MJ, and I'll trust you to do the same."

He kneels before me and cups my belly in his hands.

"I am honored that you're carrying my child; an heir to the Maxwell legacy and fortune. My future queen or king rests within your womb," he says, sliding my coverall for my bikini up.

He kisses my belly and then looks up at me with admiration and says, "Thank you, baby."

I clasp the sides of his head. "Everything that we've put into place still stands, O. I'm not ready to come home. We do need to talk about how we're going to raise our child and what we need to put in place to prepare for him or her coming. Other than that, nothing changes."

"Everything changes, MJ. There's another life that we're responsible for now. Another person that we have to consider before every decision and action because everything we do impacts him or her."

"You don't think that I know this? I've thought about nothing since which is why I've been hesitant about what to do about us."

He stares at me and asks, "Is the only reason you're willing to work on the marriage because of our child?"

"No, O. I've always wanted our marriage even when I said I didn't. I loved you more than I loved life itself. My depression and darkness were so great that I feared I would ruin you with it. I didn't have enough light to lift you, so I had to push you away, otherwise, I would have brought you down with me."

"Wherever you go, I'll be there, too. We fall together, and we rise together. We are one, MJ. Everything that I do, I do for you and my child."

"Just love me. That's all I ask."

His eyes search mine and he says, "I never stopped."

Onyx stands, takes my hand, and leads me to the back porch of the cottage. We sit for a long time just talking. We take time out to grab sandwiches, fruit, and tea from the kitchen and return to the porch.

We stay so long that we watch the sun go down. But by the end of the night, we'd said everything that we were ever afraid to share. We reveal our hearts and share everything that needs to be said.

Together, we let go of the pain and the hurt and look forward to embracing our future and building our family.