18: MEADOW

I press a hand over my mouth and cry for the dozenth time, wondering how my life took such a spiral. One minute, I loved life. Then the next minute, I was packing up my things and leaving for good.

I contacted my attorney the other day and asked him to draw up divorce papers. But I told him to hold off on serving them.

It's been two weeks since I've left home. I've been staying in a rental waterfront home on Kiawah Island. It's the last place anyone might think to look for me but still close enough to my family if needed.

I walk out onto the front porch and grip the railing. A breeze flows over me and calms my nerves. I close my eyes and inhale deeply.

The saltwater on the breeze washes over me and fills my lungs to overflowing. The beauty of the landscape is lost on me as all I can see is pain, loss, and grayness all around me.

How the hell can I move forward when I have nothing? Yes, I have a little over one hundred grand in my savings account and ten grand in my checking, but I don't have my family, my husband, or my best friend.

Daddy might be happy about me leaving Onyx, but Mama won't buy whatever excuse I drum up. She knows how deeply I love him, and any excuse in the world won't fly.

I don't want to tell them he cheated. A part of that sounds as if I failed in my marriage, and the other part sounds like he's exactly who my daddy feared he might be.

Worse yet, if I told my parents what happened, they would never understand if I returned to my husband someday.

I ask myself every day how I could ever go back. Yet, the reality is that I miss Onyx. I miss being married to him, and the way things were before the assault. I miss how he flirted with me, lifted me, and protected me.

I don't miss just being somebody's wife.

I miss being Onyx's wife.

I step off the porch and head towards the water. Removing my sandals, I stick my toe into the water and twirl it around. The water muddies with the sand that mixes in.

I stare out at the horizon and feel as if it's calling me. It's beautiful out there. How easy it would be to step into the water and yield to its call.

All my cares, my disappointments, my hurt, and my confusion would be washed away. Conception failure, marital woes, threats against my family; all of that would be a distant memory.

The thought of not hurting any longer, not thinking about troubles, and just existing is appealing.

I'm not about to do anything stupid. I just want to go into the water deep enough to cleanse myself mentally and emotionally, and then I'll come out again.

I take another step into the water and slowly continue. I imagine that with every step another weight falls from my body and that my mental space frees up a bit more.

"Hello," I hear a husky female voice call out.

I turn and see a woman roughly in her late fifties walking in my direction. She's smiling, and she has a scarf wrapped around her long, blonde hair.

I'm not in the mood for company, but she looks determined to join me.

I turn my back on her and continue walking, but she's quick and agile. She's standing by my side knee-deep in the water when she turns a friendly smile on me.

"It's nice out here, isn't it?"

I don't say anything. I just keep staring off into the distance. The sun is about to set, and the orange hue of the sky gives off an eerie glow.

"Yes, this is my favorite time of day to come out and watch the sunset. The water is a little chillier this time of evening than normal, but it's beautiful."

The woman keeps talking as if this is something she does every day. I glance at her when she says, "Yep, my absolute favorite thing to do. Stand in the ocean and watch the sunset. It gives off brilliant hues of red and gold. I imagine that I am one with the sun."

She lifts her arms up towards the evening sky, tilts her head back, closes her eyes, and smiles.

I look at her as if she's lost her mind because, surely, she has. Either that, or she's a figment of my imagination.

I blink rapidly a couple of times, and she turns to me and smiles.

"This ocean has swept many a lost soul away. Taken all their cares and concerns and washed them off to sea. But just as many souls as it has claimed, it's left at least double that number behind in mourning, confusion, and eternally depressed."

I blink at her again, wondering if she can see my heart.

"Sometimes life can be so overwhelming you can't possibly see how you'll face another day. But just as surely as this sun sets today, it will rise again tomorrow. The beauty of that is the dawning of a new day brings new strength, resolve, and hope to overcome what seemed impossible yesterday. If you can survive the problems today, then tomorrow you will find new resolutions. New peace. New hope."

The woman nods her head as though her words settle it. And as if her job is done, she turns away from me and begins to walk away again. She leaves me standing there in the middle of the water. I turn to watch her over my shoulder. By the time she reaches the water's edge, she calls out to me once more.

"Name's Claire, by the way."

I inhale a shuddering breath and then slowly expel it. I turn back to the water where the sun has disappeared. A chill runs down my body, and I turn away and slowly make my way back onto the sand.

Was I about to do that? No way in hell I would take my life. It's a shitstorm right now, but I'm not crazy.

I wiggle my toes in the sand, and though tears pour down my eyes, I can't help but reflect on Claire's words.

"...just as surely as this sun sets today, it will rise again tomorrow.... If you can survive the problems today then tomorrow you will find new resolutions."

Slowly, I put one foot in front of the other and make my way back to the rental house that will be my home for the foreseeable future.

***

The sun is unusually hot today. It's only the end of August, but the temperature feels closer to the mid-eighties. The air conditioning in the house works perfectly fine, but I'd left out this morning to buy some groceries and toiletries.

I didn't pack a lot. The house is clean, as the rental agency had it prepared for me, but obviously, there was no food in the house.

When I woke up this morning, I took stock of what I might need to get me through the summer. Shame flooded my face as I considered how I had met the kind, older woman last night.

Had it not been for Claire, I may not have been around this morning to even contemplate what I needed for the rest of the summer. I still don't think that I was that desperate. Maybe it looked that way to her.

Shaking my head, I place my grocery bags in the trunk of my Lexus.

"Neighbor?" a friendly voice calls.

I turn to see a white man of average height and build approaching me. Nothing spectacular to look at, but attractive enough in his own average way.

"Excuse me?" I say, closing the trunk and pushing the brim of my large, sunflower-adorned straw hat back on my head. I wipe the sweat from my forehead with the back of my forearm.

"You're the lady who moved into the peach and teal cottage just down the walk from mine."

Shrugging, I say, "I guess."

"I'm Matt."

"Nice to meet you, Matt. I'm...MJ," I say, taking the hand he extends towards me.

It's easier to go with my nickname because Meadow is such a unique name that if anyone were to ask around, it would be easy to deduce that the missing wife slash daughter slash friend is me.

"MJ, like the great basketball player...or the singer."

"Don't play ball and I can't sing," I retort, cutting myself off at just declaring that I can dance if nothing else.

"Well, we're having a bonfire on the beach tonight. I'd love for you to come down and join us."

Shaking my head, I say, "Sorry, but I've got other plans."

I walk to the driver's side of the car, unlock the door, and open it.

"Well, if you change your mind, there will be a group of us down there. We'll bring the food and drinks. All you'll need to do is bring yourself. I'll even throw in a chair for you."

I give a half-smile that I don't really feel and hop inside the car.

I didn't come to Kiawah Island to make friends or to have fun. I only came here to figure out my next step.

I've been second-guessing everything since last night.

As I navigate the palm leaf-ridden road back to the cottage, another thought occurs to me that never did before. What if Sharla has been his long-term lover?

Hadn't I heard that name somewhere before?

I rack my brain, and it hits me. How didn't I recall this before?

Sharla was the name of the girl who broke his heart before he left for college! The one he'd told me was the only woman he'd ever loved aside from me.

That thought chokes me up so badly, causing me to swerve into the other lane. The honking horn of a passing car causes me to straighten up.

How could he have done that to me?

How long had they been screwing?

I dial my attorney before I pull back onto the road.