9. Amory

Amory paces around outside the cabin, not sure what to do. She doesn't want to go back inside and see Blake. Her heart is a sea of hurt right now and she's not sure what to do about it. Mostly she just feels stupid. She knew who Blake was, yet she let herself trust her, believe that she was a different person. But she now knows that's not true. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

She wants to cry, but she also wants to be strong. She doesn't want Blake to know that she cared, that she could see the two of them being something more. Now that dream has been shattered. She can't believe that Blake had someone else all along.

She thinks of Natalie, the betrayal that she felt when finding Blake in her bed. This time it isn't as intense, she didn't lose a partner of years to cheating, but it's still the same pain even if it's lesser. But it is compounded onto all of her other pain from the past. She doesn't know what to do with herself, so she keeps walking.

She makes another lap around the cabin and wonders what is wrong with Blake for her to be okay with doing things like this. She could maybe understand the last time with Natalie. She didn't know, and she was young and dumb, but now? Now Amory wonders if Blake was even telling the truth about Natalie. Did she really not know that Natalie was her girlfriend at the time? Or was she targeting Amory? Amory can't help but question everything Blake's ever said to her.

Amory wonders if Blake ever cared about her like Amory was starting to think she did, or was Amory just a convenient way for Blake to get laid?

In a way, this justifies the fear that Amory had about needing to talk to Blake about where their relationship stood. She never did get around to that conversation and now Amory thinks that's for the best, before she could get hurt any more.

It's starting to get dark, and Amory knows that she should go inside the cabin soon, but she doesn't want to, doesn't want to find herself face to face with the woman who has broken her heart not once, but twice. This is almost as bad as the time when Amory was a teenager and got back with an ex-girlfriend. She was an idiot then and she's an idiot now.

She keeps berating herself for trusting Blake as she paces. Eventually she gives up on the self hatred and realizes that it's not her fault. She's a trusting person and she really wanted to trust Blake, wanted to love her. It's not her fault that Blake betrayed that trust. Now her anger is directed fully at Blake. How dare she? Does she not know what she did or does she just not care? Is she really that vindictive? What on Earth is wrong with that woman?

Amory gives up on her pacing and decides that she's going to go back into the cabin with her head held high. She's not going to let Blake know how hurt she is, just how much she hates the other woman. Right now, she wants to hurt Blake in the same way that she's hurting, but she doesn't know how and she also doesn't want to be that kind of a person, so she'll settle for ignoring her until it's time for their trip to end. Hopefully by then, this pain in her chest will have faded a little bit.

Before she can go into the cabin, her phone chimes a notification. Apparently, her mom knows when her daughter might need her.

Mom: How's everything going?

Amory: Not great

Mom: What happened sweetheart?

Amory: I got paired with a massive bitch

Mom: Blake? But you told me the two of you were finally getting along

Amory: Well I was wrong

Mom: What happened?

Amory pauses in front of the cabin door. She definitely doesn't want to tell her mom that she was sleeping with the enemy. Her mom barely knows what happened between her, Blake, and Natalie. All she told her was that Natalie cheated on her, not with who.

She does, however, know about their old rivalry from medical school and her residency. Amory spent who knows how many phone calls and text messages complaining about Blake Gold.

Amory: She hasn't changed like I thought she did

Mom: Oh honey, I'm sorry

Amory: It's fine, I just feel a little dumb and angry

Mom: It's not your fault for trusting someone, but be careful with anger

Mom: You don't want it to get in the way of your work

Amory knows that her mom is right, that being angry is only going to negatively affect her, especially if Blake doesn't care about what she did to her. But, unfortunately for her, that's a lot easier said than done.

Amory has never really considered herself an angry person, but Blake has always had a way of getting under her skin. For as long as she has known Blake, she has made Amory feel things that she doesn't normally feel. All of this anger that she doesn't know what to do with makes her want to confide in her mom, even if she's not sure how her mom will react. She's worried that her mom will berate her or think that she's an idiot. Even though her mom has never done those things before, Amory's self hatred is getting in the way of her reasoning, and she's scared.

Amory: We were a little more than cabin mates

Mom: What do you mean?

Amory: Not at first, but after a while we started sleeping together

Amory: I wanted to date her

Mom: What happened?

Amory: She has someone else

Mom: Oh honey

Amory: I caught them on the phone together, Blake told her she loved her

Mom: Is that all?

Amory: Isn't that enough?

Mom: Did she say she was her girlfriend?

Amory: She said they were sleeping together in the US

Mom: Call me

Amory calls her mom.

Her mom answers immediately. "Tell me everything," she says, so Amory does.

"Look, baby," her mom says, "I'm not going to tell you that Blake doesn't have a secret girlfriend, because I suppose it's possible that she does, but it sounds like you're thinking with a lot of anger right now and not your head."

"I don't know what else to think," Amory says, "Blake told me they were sleeping together."

"But they're not right now," Kara says. "I don't know, it just seems like something is off, like there's more than you know in this situation. Like if she was trying to cheat, why would she tell you about it?"

"I don't know," Amory says, "guilt?"

"It doesn't sound like that, honey," Kara says, "I think you two should sit down and talk about what's going on."

"I don't think I can right now," Amory says.

Kara sighs, but she doesn't try to convince her further. She doesn't really know what to say to her daughter or how to comfort her. "Just take care of yourself, okay?"

"Okay, Mom," Amory says, and she does feel a little calmer at talking to her mom. Maybe she is ready to talk to Blake.

However, when Amory walks into the cabin, her fury is reunited at seeing that there is food on the table.

"I made food," Blake says.

"I can see that," Amory retorts. She was outside for who knows how long, and all Blake could do is make food? It all just seems so heartless to Amory.

"There's some for you on the plate where you normally sit," Blake says.

"I'm not hungry," Amory says, and Blake frowns. Good, Amory thinks, let her be upset. At least it's over something as stupid as food, not someone lying to you and sleeping with you when they have someone waiting for them back home.

Amory goes over to the bed and takes off the cover and the pillow that she used on her first night here.

"What are you doing?" Blake asks.

"I'm not sleeping with you again," Amory states, "I'll stick to the floor."

"Can't we just talk about this?"

"There's nothing to talk about," Amory says.

"I think there is," Blake says.

"Well I don't care what you think," Amory shoots back.

"It's not what you think," Blake says.

"Why don't you just shut up?" Amory asks. She arranges the blanket and pillow onto the floor.

"I'm not going to shut up," Blake says, "you're upset and I care about you."

That sets Amory off. "You have no right to care about me!" she yells at Blake, ignoring her hurt expression. "So why don't you just shut the fuck up and leave me alone? You got what you wanted from me and now it's over."

Blake doesn't respond, she just stands there, stunned. She then mumbles something under her breath, but it's so quiet that Amory can't hear her, and right now she doesn't care.

Amory cuddles up into her makeshift pallet and closes her eyes.

It's incredibly uncomfortable, especially after spending so much time getting used to the bed, but she refuses to bend or change her mind about sleeping on the floor. She keeps her eyes closed and hopes that eventually she'll be able to fall asleep, despite it only being supper time. She just wants to sleep and forget everything that's ever happened between her and Blake.

It doesn't work, unfortunately, and Amory stays up all night, thinking and in an uncomfortable position.

In the middle of the night, her stomach begins to growl. She ignores it at first, but after a while it becomes difficult to do. She looks over at the table, where her food still sits. Even though it's been hours, the stir fry still smells delicious. She wants some, so she stands up. She looks at the bed to make sure that Blake is still asleep. She is. Amory walks over to the table, trying her best to be quiet and not wake Blake.

She eats all of the food that is on her plate and is still almost hungry for more. But, she decides, she'll have to wait until the morning when she can have breakfast.

Amory quietly washes the dishes and puts them away. She knows that Blake will know what she did when she wakes up in the morning, but she can't bring herself to care, even if the idea of Blake gaining any kind of satisfaction from Amory eating her food pisses her off.

Amory walks back over to her little pallet and tries, once again, to fall asleep. And again, it doesn't work. She had hoped that with a belly full of food, it would be easier to sleep, but that proves to not be the case. So Amory lies there, thinking about how much she hates Blake, until the sunrise.

Amory wants nothing more than to be home right now. She loves her job, and loves that she's helping people who really need it, but being around Blake is impossible and hurts her fragile heart.

She wants her mom and she feels like a little girl, wanting to go home to cry to momma. But her mom has always been there for her, always helped her when she's down. She needs that right now, needs the comfort.

Throughout the day, Amory tries to focus on her job, but it's hard. There's too much occupying her thoughts. Blake, her homesickness, Natalie, and the fact that she didn't get any sleep last night. All of those factors come together to create a storm of emotions and distractedness inside of Amory.

She's really lucky that the work is repetitive, that for the most case, she's treating the same disease over and over again. There are different levels of severity, sure, but for the most part it's very methodic. It helps keep her from making mistakes. It does not, however, keep her from overthinking. She swears, Blake's betrayal has thrown her into the stages of grief and now she's at sadness.

She wishes that she could find someone to treat her right, to not cheat on her or treat her like a side piece. She just wants something long-term, wholesome, and fulfilling. She wants someone she can trust. She can't trust Blake and doesn't know why she ever thought she could.

Their relationship has been rocky the entire time they've known each other, after all, and even though it seemed like things were getting better, that Blake truly had changed, she should have expected otherwise. It's her fault, really, and she can't help but feel ashamed of herself for wanting a relationship with a woman she should have known couldn't be trusted or give her what she needs.

When it's time to go home for the day, Amory sees Blake standing near the doors, waiting for her, looking so beautiful and casually sexy with her short dark hair flopping over her face, but she can't deal with that. She doesn't want to. She shouldn't have to. Blake should know better than to act like she did nothing wrong or to continue their little rituals when Amory wants nothing to do with her.

Amory walks right past Blake, ignoring her and her attempts to greet Amory as she does so. When she gets back to the cabin, she opens her laptop and decides that if she's tired and can't seem to think of anything other than Blake, she might as well read in order to distract herself.

It doesn't help, however. All Amory has downloaded on her laptop are romance books, and those are definitely not the move right now. She groans to herself and closes her laptop, pacing around the cabin for a moment. Blake watches her, sitting on the bed, but she doesn't say anything and Amory's glad of that. She doesn't think that she could handle that right now. All she wants right now is to be alone and cry, but that's kind of impossible given their situation.

Amory decides that it's time to make supper, so she walks over to the kitchen area. Blake stands up, looking as though she wants to join her, and Amory looks over at Blake and glares at her. Blake immediately sits down again, looking dejected. She opens her mouth as if she's going to talk, but Amory glares at her again, and Blake closes her mouth.

Good, Amory thinks, she really doesn't want to know what Blake has to say right now. Her mom's words replay in her head, and she knows that they probably should have some sort of conversation, especially if they are going to live together for the rest of their time in Zambia, but Amory can't stand the thought of talking to Blake.

Her stomach ties in knots, and there's a sharp pain in her chest every time she looks at her; she can't imagine what she'll feel like if Blake tries to talk to her, if they try to have a conversation. In Amory's mind, Blake has already done the unforgivable, so there's no point in talking about it. Amory just wants to get through the rest of their trip in silence and with seeing Blake as little as possible.

Somehow, Amory feels more hatred toward Blake now than she did when they arrived. It's strange, she went from hating her, to forgiving her, to hating her again, and all of these emotions are like a roller coaster, giving Amory whiplash.

Amory makes supper, more pasta, except this time she pairs it with rice. She's been craving rice ever since last night and decides to make some even though she knows it probably won't be as good as Blake's, but she decides to try.

At first, while cooking, Amory is tempted to only cook enough for herself and leave Blake to fend for herself, but that just seems unnecessarily cruel. Amory hates the person she feels Blake has turned her into, someone cruel and wanting to hurt another person.

She supposes she never really got to hurt Blake enough for what she did with Natalie, and now that's all Amory wants, to make Blake feel the way she feels—heartbroken, betrayed and unbearably lonely. But Amory fights against that instinct to be outright cruel to Blake, and she makes enough food for both of them.

When she's done, she prepares two plates and leaves them on the table, but Blake doesn't come over to eat when Amory does, like she was half expecting. Instead, she waits until Amory goes to wash her plate to sit down at the table and eat. Amory decides that this is good, that Blake is following her plan to ignore her perfectly.

Amory doesn't really know what to do for entertainment now. She definitely doesn't feel like reading a book on her laptop, and she's absolutely not playing poker with Blake like she has been. But, she decides, there are other games she can play with her cards.

She gets out her cards and decides that if she can't read to pass the time, she should play solitaire. So, she does, spending hours on the game and trying to numb her brain as much as possible. She ignores Blake as she moves around their cabin, and after a while, Amory gets tired, and goes to her little pallet. She falls into an uneasy sleep.