8. Blake

Blake wakes up in the morning with an arm wrapped around Amory and she smiles to herself, looking at the way the morning light hits Amory's lovely face. This is the first time that she has woken up to be able to watch Amory sleep. Normally Amory wakes before Blake.

Blake smiles at the sleeping Amory and cuddles closer, planting a kiss in her long honey colored hair. She could get used to this; loves the way she feels when she wakes up in the morning to have Amory in her arms. Even when Amory wakes up first, she loves it because the other woman will often move closer to Blake, and that's all she wants—that sense of closeness, of belonging together.

Blake lies there for a while, simply content and thinking to herself. She wonders where this relationship leaves them. Blake wants something more substantial with Amory, but she doesn't know how Amory feels about that. She wonders if Amory would even want to date her or be in a relationship after they leave Zambia.

She wants her to—like really wants that. She wants to help Amory learn how to date and love again. And even though she knows she's part of the reason Amory doesn't, she wants to help her rebuild the trust she's lost in others.

Maybe Blake is a bit of a romantic. She's never thought of herself as one before, but being in Zambia with her old rival is starting to change those things for her. She often finds herself daydreaming about a future with Amory or imagining all of the dates they'll go on when they get back to the US.

She can show Amory her favorite restaurant and parks, and introduce Amory to her cat. She wonders if Amory is a cat person and remembers that Natalie would sometimes talk about the cat she shared with her girlfriend.

Blake coughs and that's what finally wakes Amory. She looks at Amory's deep blue-green eyes and smiles at her.

"Dammit," Blake says, "I wasn't trying to wake you."

"It's okay," Amory replies, "I need to get up anyway. We both do."

Blake groans. "Five more minutes."

Amory laughs and sits up in the bed. "Come on, lazy bones," she says, "we have work to do."

"Fine, but just for the record, I'm not happy about it."

"Oh, come on," Amory chides, "you love your job."

"Yes," Blake agrees, "but I love being in your arms more.

Amory rolls her eyes. "You're such a romantic."

"Maybe a little bit," Blake says.

"Come on, babe," Amory says, "let's get up."

Blake's chest flutters a little as Amory stands up and walks over to the kitchen area. Since when did Amory start calling her babe?

"Are eggs okay for breakfast?" Amory asks. "Or do you want pancakes?"

"Um…" Blake tries to think while Amory is on the other side of the cabin. "Not gonna lie, I think pancakes sound great."

"Damn," Amory says. "I was kind of really wanting eggs."

"Well, why can't we have both?" Blake asks.

Amory laughs. "You're so right. Both it is." She grabs a couple of frying pans and opens the fridge. Blake stands up from the bed and walks over to join Amory in the kitchen area as she checks her phone.

Jenna:Hey, r u okay? I haven't heard from you in a couple days

Blake ignores the text message for now. It's true that she hasn't been texting Jenna as much as usual, but she doesn't know what to say to her. She doesn"t want to continue their strange little relationship, but she still likes Jenna as a friend, and she doesn't know how to keep her and still break off their sex arrangement. Then again, with Jenna it was always a no-strings-attached kind of thing, so maybe Blake is overthinking it.

Blake:I'm good, sorry. Also, I've kind of found someone.

Jenna:Found someone as in a fuck buddy or found someone as in found someone?

Blake:I don't know yet but I want it to be more than just sex

Jenna:oooo. Get it girl. I believe in you

Blake:Thanks, lol.

Jenna:No problem, just don't be a stranger, okay?

Blake:You got it

"Who are you texting?" Amory asks, frying some eggs while Blake periodically checks her phone as she makes pancake batter.

"A friend," Blake says. "Her name is Jenna."

"Cool."

"She's a doctor, too."

"Of course she is," Amory laughs. "You know, I can't remember the last time I had a friend who wasn't a doctor, a resident, or going to medical school with me. Probably college. Most of my friends then were English majors."

"Oh, that's right," Blake says, remembering details about Amory's life from when they used to spend all of their time together. They may have been rivals, and always fighting and trying to sabotage one another, but Blake has a good memory. "I forgot you got your bachelor's degree in English."

"Yep," Amory says.

"What made you choose that instead of something more traditional like pre-med?"

"Well, I didn't know that I wanted to be a doctor when I was looking into colleges, and I've always liked writing. Which came in handy when I went to medical school. I'm really good at research papers."

"I remember," Blake admits. "I was always so jealous of you when they would use your papers as the class example. I hated it so much."

Amory laughs. "You and everyone else. The number of snide comments I would get because of that was insane."

Blake frowns, knowing that she was definitely one of those people. Sometimes she wishes she could go back in time and not be as horrible to Amory as she was. She wonders if Amory now feels the same.

While Amory finishes the eggs, Blake takes the other frying pan and begins the pancakes.

When the food is done, the two of them eat and watch the sun rise. They have to wake up really early in the morning if they want to have time for breakfast before work, and it is important for them to eat beforehand. Working at the clinic takes a lot of energy and the food they have for lunch isn't nearly filling enough.

"Are you ready to go?" Amory asks when they finish washing the dishes.

"Yep," Blake says.

The two of them walk out together and walk to the clinic. Blake really wants to hold Amory's hand as the two of them walk, but she doesn't. She doesn't know what kind of relationship she has with Amory, and she also doesn't know how Amory feels about public displays of affection, even if it's just hand holding.

Blake decides that she's overthinking this too much, but in her defense, it's been a while since she's felt anything like this. Like Amory, she hasn't dated much, mostly having relationships primarily for sex like with Jenna. She also realizes that she should probably talk to Amory about what she wants out of their relationship or what all she's okay with. Blake doesn't know if Amory is okay with handholding, but she should definitely figure that out.

She is glad that Jenna seems to be okay with her wanting to pursue a relationship with someone else. Thinking back on it, she doesn't know why she was worried. She knew where their relationship stood, so she shouldn't have been worried.

Blake goes into the clinic with Amory and then they both get to work, going their separate ways.

Blake has gotten a lot better at her job since beginning to sleep with Amory. She's no longer insatiably horny, but she's also had more time to get used to the work. She's also learned how to comfort her patients without being able to speak their language. Blake isn't an overly smiley person, but she has learned that a smile goes a long way in communicating with a language barrier. That and her other facial expressions and body language are often used when speaking to her patients.

She gets a hug from one of them after she treats them. She smiles to them and hands them the prescription for antibiotics. Technically, they're not supposed to hug patients, but no one actually cares, especially when a patient is the one to initiate.

It's kind of like that in the US. She's gotten plenty of hugs from patients as a thank you or relief at good news. Blake kind of misses her clinic back home. She knew this would happen, that she'd get homesick, but she's grateful it's not too bad.

She remembers her first time traveling abroad for work, and how miserable she was at times. She loved it, and definitely loved the experience enough to do it again, but there were times when it felt unbearable. She thinks that Amory is starting to get that way a little bit.

Yesterday at supper, Amory kept talking about her mom and her work at home and all of her regular patients and how she worried about them and is excited to get back to see them when they're done in Zambia. Amory works in family medicine primarily with children, not at an urgent care like Blake does. And Blake knows that the bonds formed between a doctor and patient in family medicine are much more intense than in her work where she often doesn't see the same patient twice.

Blake felt bad for her last night and gave Amory a back massage, which soon devolved into sex, but at least it seemed to do the job at keeping Amory distracted from her homesickness. Blake decides that she's going to try her best to keep Amory from getting overly stressed from being in a new location and tries to think about what all she can do for her given their limited resources. Maybe she can make a nice dessert tonight or something to cheer her up.

When Blake gets done with her work, she is ready to go before Amory as always, but she waits for her like usual. Blake loves it when Amory gets done and the two of them walk back to the cabin together. It's very domestic even if it started off as Blake wanting to apologize without words for what she did to Amory.

It's strange to Blake, knowing that she slept with Amory's girlfriend all of those years ago and now she's sleeping with Amory. It kind of hurts her brain if she thinks about it, so she tries not to. She does have to admit that she enjoys Amory more than she ever did Natalie, even if Amory is a little rusty.

Blake is also better at sex than back then, too. She was a lot less experienced all of those years ago, a lot younger and self concerned with her own pleasure. Now, however, she loves making Amory feel good.

When Amory finishes work, she walks over to where Blake is standing and Blake gives her a wide smile, noticing how exhausted Amory looks.

"Tired?" Blake asks.

Amory nods. "Yeah, and I got thrown up on earlier."

Blake grimaces. "Gross."

"Very," Amory says. "I'm lucky I always keep a spare set of clothes in my locker, but I threw away the old ones."

"I don't blame you. How about we head over to the cabin and you can take a shower?"

Amory groans. "A shower sounds great," she says, "I feel disgusting."

The two of them walk back to the cabin together and when they're almost there, Blake decides to bite the bullet and takes Amory's hand in hers.

Amory doesn't pull away like Blake was afraid of and instead, she squeezes Blake's hand as they walk. Blake smiles to herself. This is exactly what she wanted, and it feels so good to get any affection from Amory. She wants to talk to her, to establish some sort of official relationship, but at the same time she's nervous. She doesn't want to scare her off.

When they get back to the cabin, the first thing Amory does is let go of Blake's hand and walk inside to the shower. She leaves the bathroom door open and Blake looks over at it, tempted to walk in there with her.

Before she can decide to, however, Blake gets a phone call from Jenna.

"Hey, what's up?" Blake answers the phone, concerned. Jenna doesn't usually call her, preferring to text. She's worried that something is wrong, especially since Jenna is the one house-sitting for her while she's in Zambia.

"There's a problem," Jenna says.

Blake feels her stomach drop and her mind immediately goes to the worst-case scenario, like someone broke in or Jenna got hurt. "What's wrong?" she asks.

"There's something wrong with your cat," Jenna says.

"Millie?" Blake asks, and thinks to herself, That's worse than a break in! "What's wrong?"

"She keeps throwing up," Jenna says. "I just got off the phone with the vet, but they can't get her in until tomorrow morning."

"Did she eat something wrong?" Blake asks. "Does she have any other symptoms?" Blake doesn't really know why she's asking other than concern. She's not a vet. Anything other than humans become sick and she's just as clueless as the rest of the world.

"No," Jenna says, "and I have no clue why she's throwing up. She was just fine yesterday, but when I came home from work today, she wasn't."

"Okay," Blake says, not knowing what to do. She's had Millie for five years, and she's always been healthy. She should have a lot more life in her. Blake is worried that she's dying or something, and it also doesn't help that Blake is in a completely different country, with no way to get to Millie just out of the blue.

"I'm sorry," Jenna says.

"It's not your fault."

"But I know how much she means to you," Jenna says, "and I don't know what's wrong. I'm worried I did something."

"I'm sure you didn't do anything," Blake assures her. "You're good with animals and you know what to do. You're going to the vet tomorrow, right?" she asks.

"Yeah," Jenna says. "I rescheduled one of my appointments and I'm going there as soon as they open."

Blake sighs in relief, grateful for Jenna, and grateful that she's watching out for Mille. "Okay," Blake says, "just keep me updated, okay?"

"I will," Jenna says right as Amory walks out of the bathroom with a towel around her waist.

"Hi," Amory greets with a smile and a wave. Blake looks at Amory and gives her a smile, but it's sad and strained.

Amory frowns at the look on Blake's face. "What's wrong?" she asks.

Blake just shakes her head and turns her attention back to her phone call with Jenna. "Thank you," she says, "and thanks for telling me."

"Of course," Jenna says, "I love you."

"I love you, too," Blake says.

She ends the call and turns to Amory, who has a frown on her face.

"Who was that?" Amory asks.

"My friend," Blake says, sitting on the bed. "It's been a shit day for both of us now, I guess."

Amory kind of ignores that for now, focusing on other details of the very short part of the conversation she has heard.

"Was she your girlfriend?" Amory asks.

"What? No. She's just a friend." Blake does decide that it's time to come clean about her and Jenna's previous relationship. After all, if Blake wants any longevity in her relationship with Amory, she should know.

"We did used to fuck some," Blake says, "but—" I won't anymore is what Blake wants to say, but she's interrupted by Amory.

"What?!" Amory exclaims. "You mean to tell me you've been sleeping with me while someone else thinks you're with them?"

"What? No," Blake says, "it isn't like that." She wants to explain, to tell Amory that her and Jenna were just friends with benefits, and that she broke it off with Jenna, but Amory continues.

"She told you she loves you," Amory says. "You said it back, for crying out loud."

"Because we're friends," Blake says, "I tell all my friends that I love them."

"You haven't changed," Amory says, appearing to not have heard Blake at all. "You say you have, but you haven't. You're still just a cheater except now you made me cheat with you."

"No I didn't," Blake says. "Neither of us are cheaters because she isn't my girlfriend."

But Amory doesn't listen. Her face is red with anger, and she goes to her bag and grabs some clothes before she locks herself in the bathroom.

When she emerges, fully dressed with shoes and everything, Blake frowns.

"Amory, please," Blake begs for her to listen, "let's just talk. This is a huge misunderstanding," she says, but Amory leaves the cabin, ignoring Blake behind her.

Blake doesn't know what to do, so she talks to the only person she thinks might understand, she calls Jenna again.

Jenna picks up the phone, sounding a little confused. "Blake? What's up?"

Blake can't blame her confusion considering they just hung up moments ago, but she tries to explain to Jenna what is going on. "Something went wrong with Amory," she says.

"What do you mean?" Jenna asks.

"She heard me and you on the phone," Blake says, "she thinks we're dating."

"Wait, what?" Jenna asks in confusion and surprise. "Did you tell her that we're not?"

"I tried to, but she wouldn't listen. I don't know what to do or why she would think that. All she heard was me tell you that I love you and she went berserk. I think I fucked up."

"What do you mean?" Jenna asks.

"I mean, I betrayed her trust all of those years ago," Blake says, "no wonder she thinks that I'm cheating on her now. I don't exactly have the best track record with those things that she knows about."

"Hold on," Jenna says, "first of all, she's a grown adult. You are not completely responsible for how she handles her issues. Yes, what you did was messed up, but she should know better than to jump to conclusions and assume stuff that flat out isn't true. This isn't all on you."

"I feel like it is," Blake says.

"It's not," Jenna says. "And I know that you care about this girl, so you need to find a way to make her listen to you."

"I should have told her about you earlier," Blake says.

"I mean, yeah, probably," Jenna says, "but you can't change that now. Now, you just need to try your best to fix whatever you need to."

Blake sighs, but she's scared. She doesn't want to hurt Amory more, and she wonders if this is the universe's way of telling her that she doesn't deserve a relationship, not after what she's done. Blake feels tears threatening her eyes. Losing Amory hurts so much.

Amory deserves so much more than this.

What have I done?