10. Blake

Blake feels like shit. She has a bad cough and she has been miserable for the last several days. Amory still isn't talking to her, and she doesn't know what to do. Or maybe she does know what to do and she's just scared.

She's pretty sure her cough is just from allergies, or, at least, she hopes that's the case. She doesn't know much about the allergy situation in Zambia, but the cough and congestion feels like allergies.

But on top of that, Blake is hurt and she knows that Amory is hurt, too. But she didn't do what Amory thinks—she never cheated on anyone. She learned her lesson on that years ago, and she would never do that to Amory, especially not again. She thinks that maybe this is karma for what she did with Natalie all of those years ago, that despite how happy Amory has made her, she doesn't deserve happiness with her, after all.

Blake goes through the motions at work, doing her best to help her patients, but her heart's not in it. Her heart is stuck on Amory. She wonders what she can do to make her listen, to get her to understand that she's not a cheater anymore.

She doesn't know. She just doesn't know and that frustrates her. Any time she's tried to talk to Amory, it's gotten shut down. But maybe she hasn't been trying hard enough. It's hard, being accused of something you didn't do, and she doesn't know how to feel about it. All she really feels about it is frustration and guilt. This would have never happened had she not cheated with Natalie all of those years ago. Amory's trust wouldn't have been broken so badly that she sees things that aren't there.

Blake walks into another patient's area and freezes when she sees Dr. Paver behind the curtain, talking to the patient. She checks her chart, yeah, this was definitely her patient.

"Uh," Blake says, confused, "what's going on?"

Amory gives her a dirty look. "I'm talking to my patient."

"But this was my patient," Blake says.

"What?" Amory asks, looking to where Blake is holding her chart. Amory walks over and grabs the chart, glancing at it before she looks at Blake in confusion. It's refreshing to Blake, to see Amory look at her without hatred in her lovely aqua eyes. It doesn't last long, however, and Amory's gaze hardens when she hands the chart back to Blake.

Amory shrugs and walks back to the patient. "Take it up with the nurses," she says, and Blake walks out from behind the curtain and does just that. She can't help but think that this is the most Amory has spoken to her in days and her heart aches.

Yeah, apparently it was just a mix up with the charts. Blake is given a new patient and walks to a new patient area, where Amory isn't around. She's kind of upset about it, if she's honest. She wants nothing more than to be around Amory and to see her at work.

Blake wonders what kind of a doctor she is now. She hasn't known how she works since they were in residency together, and Blake wonders if Amory is still the hungry woman she once knew, who was always clamoring to find the next strange and rare disease in her patients. She hopes not. She also doubts it. She knows that Amory works in family medicine, a much more practical part of their field.

Blake thinks back to their past and how Amory used to be. It's just not practical to practice medicine like that, and it never really worked in Amory's favor anyway. She used to get into so much trouble for ordering unnecessary tests when she was a resident, it's almost kind of funny. But she also used to have the best bedside manner, able to calm even the most terrified of patients, and Blake hopes she is still like that. From what little Blake saw of her working, that seems to be the case.

Blake always used to admire the way Amory had with patients, even if back then she would have never admitted it. She would sometimes watch Amory, observe her and try to copy her interactions with patients. It was never as successful, but it was definitely better than Blake's sometimes brash bedside manner. Over the years, however, Blake has definitely gotten better with patients, and she wonders how much of that is due to her observations of Amory.

Blake continues through work and when it's time to leave, she gets done before Amory. Just like every day since their argument, Blake waits for Amory by the door, and Amory ignores her and walks right past her, determined and defiant. Blake sighs to herself, but she's not surprised. She just wants things to go back to the way they were, even if it doesn't seem like that will ever be the case.

Blake follows behind Amory as she walks to the cabin, not even looking behind her to see Blake. When she gets to the cabin, she opens the door and enters through, but lets the door fall to slam in Blake's face. Blake sighs to herself in front of the closed door. It's been like this every day for the last several days. Amory hates her and she hates herself for it. She should have ended things with Jenna properly before starting anything with Amory.

Blake walks into the cabin and sees that Amory is making supper. That's another change. The two don't cook together anymore. Amory keeps cooking by herself and the one time Blake tried to join and help her, Amory set down the frying pan and left the cabin in a huff.

Blake doesn't try to help anymore; she just sits on the bed and reads a book while Amory cooks. At least it's a good book.

Amory cooks by herself and Blake's stomach growls. When she's done, there's fried rice on the table, slightly burnt, but it still tastes good. She doesn't tell Blake when it's ready, just starts eating, but she doesn't complain or say anything when Blake grabs a plate and sits down at the table. Amory just looks down at her food the entire time the two of them eat.

Blake frowns to herself and does the same thing, trying to focus on her food while the two of them eat. What she really wants to do is have a conversation with Amory, to make up and make everything better. She really needs to get over her nerves, her fear of making everything worse. After all, with how things are right now, Blake doesn't think things can get worse. There is still that little voice in her head that tells her otherwise, that comes up with all kinds of scenarios of Amory getting so angry that she does something brash like hit her.

Blake doesn't think she would ever do something like that, but she can't help the fear that has frozen her voice and pokes stabbing pains into her heart. She's also terrified of hurting Amory more, of not being believed, or of saying the wrong thing and making Amory think that she's done something worse than the cheating she was accused of.

When they're done eating, Amory goes back to her blanket pile and opens her laptop, hiding under the blankets with it. She acts like she's depressed, hiding out under the covers and not doing anything besides read and play on her laptop whenever she's not at work or cooking. Blake misses their games, and as selfish as it is, she hopes Amory does, too. Though she feels bad, seeing Amory so dejected and by herself.

Blake is incredibly lonely, and she wonders if Amory feels the same way. She goes back to the bed and sits down, not sure what to do. She supposes she should read again.

She tries to read, but is mostly unsuccessful, only getting a few pages done in over an hour. She can't stop thinking about Amory. The other woman invades her every thought and it's unbearable, especially when she can't do anything about it. She wants to kiss her again, to hold her, to at the very least talk to her.

She misses their games and their teasing and waking up next to her. She can hear Amory squirming around on the floor, trying to find a comfortable position.

"You know," Blake says, trying an old trick, "this bed sure is really comfortable."

"Go to hell," Amory says, her voice muffled from under the blankets.

Blake coughs and doesn't stop. It's a nasty cough, and it doesn't stop for a couple of seconds. When she's done, she sighs. She really hopes she's not getting sick.

"No," Blake says, suddenly angry at Amory and all of her nonsense. "I've had to listen to you be angry at me, accuse me of being a cheater, which isn't true, and now you're going to listen to me and let me explain myself."

"I don't want to hear it," Amory says.

"I don't care," Blake almost yells, upset and pissed off. "You've been doing all the talking and assuming, and you're fucking wrong."

"I'm not wrong," Amory says.

Her ignorance and insistence pisses Blake off and she walks over to Amory's blanket pile and pulls the cover off from over her head.

"Hey," Amory objects, "what the hell?"

"No," Blake says, "I'm sick and tired of your bullshit. You're going to listen to me before you continue your bullshit. Then, if you still want to lay around in your ignorance, fine, but you're gonna listen to me first."

Amory growls and tries to pull the blanket away from Blake, but Blake holds strong and doesn't let her.

"Stop it," Blake demands, "just listen to me."

Amory gives up on trying to take the blanket back and crosses her arms over her chest. She looks down at the ground and doesn't say anything to Blake, but Blake takes it. She needs to talk to her, even if she's acting like a brick wall.

"Look," Blake says, "I'm sorry for what I did with Natalie."

"Oh, are you?" Amory asks, sarcasm and anger dripping from her voice.

"Yes," Blake says, "it's clear that it messed you up, especially since you're now accusing me of cheating on a girlfriend that I don't have. But I didn't cheat on anyone because I'm not dating anyone. I haven't had a girlfriend in over a year, and I told Jenna about you after things started with us, so it's not like she didn't know or wasn't okay with it."

Blake pauses for a moment and coughs again. She chalks it up to allergies. She doesn't know why else she would be coughing like this.

"Jenna and I are just friends," Blake continues. "We were doing a friends-with-benefits thing, but we ended that because of you. I should have ended it before starting things with you. I should have been more up front with you about it and I am sorry for that."

"I don't believe you," Amory says, her beautiful face still angry.

Blake sighs. "Of course you don't. Because you're so stubborn and stuck in your ways. You won't even believe the truth because that's what I'm telling you."

"How am I supposed to believe it's the truth," Amory says, "when you've lied to me and hurt me before?"

Blake doesn't know what to say, how to get it through to Amory that she's not lying or trying to hurt her. "I never really even lied to you in the past, either," Blake says. "What I did clearly hurt you, but I didn't lie. I didn't know you were dating Natalie and I told you everything I knew. You know that."

Amory frowns, but then she crosses her arms and huffs.

Blake just sighs and does the only thing she knows to do. She kisses Amory, bites her lip, and pushes her down on the floor, sitting on top of her.

"What the hell?" Amory asks.

"I haven't felt this way about someone else in years," Blake says, "haven't cared for someone this much in forever. I really care about you, Amory, and I'm not lying to you. I'm telling you the truth because I'm hoping that you feel the same way as me."

She looks Amory in the eyes and is surprised to see tears there, telling her not to give up hope.

"I—" Amory sniffles, "I care about you, too," she admits, "but I can't trust you. Not like this."

Blake sighs and decides that there's nothing left she can do. Amory's trust was broken a long time ago, and there's nothing Blake can do to fix it. Amory has to do that, and it doesn't look like she's ready.

"Okay," Blake says with a sigh before she starts coughing again. She leans into her elbow to keep Amory from getting sprayed with her cough.

Amory sits up in alarm, almost knocking Blake to the floor.

"Are you okay?" she asks, alarmed and concerned.

In other circumstances, Blake would be comforted by her concern, but Amory's made it clear that she's not ready to forgive her, not for sleeping with Natalie or for sleeping with Jenna even though she's changed and didn't cheat.

"I'm fine," Blake says.

"No, you're not," Amory argues. "You need to lie down. I'll grab you some water."

She leads Blake to the bed and goes to the kitchen where she grabs a bottle of water and takes it to Blake. She hands Blake the bottle with the cap already off.

Blake drinks the water and it helps soothe her throat.

"I'm going to take a shower," Blake says once she's done with the water. Hopefully a shower will help her feel better.

"Okay," Amory says, throwing away the plastic bottle before she goes back to her blanket on the floor.

Blake goes to the bathroom and turns on the water.

Blake: I tried to talk to her

Jenna: How did it go?

Blake: Not great

Blake: I think she still hates me

Jenna: I doubt she hates you

Jenna: She's just hurt

Blake: I know, I just don't know what else to do

Jenna: Would you like me to talk to her?

Blake: I don't know if that would help

Jenna: It can't hurt

She has a point, Blake thinks, and so she gives Jenna Amory's phone number. Maybe Jenna talking to her will prove that Blake didn't cheat on her. But, then again, if Blake talking to her didn't sway her, she doesn't know what Jenna could possibly say that would help.

She wonders if she should just give up on her and accept that Amory hates her. As much as it kills her heart to think about giving up, she thinks that might be the best option for everyone. Amory is miserable and Blake should probably move on, but she doesn't know if that's even possible for her. She doesn't want to move on, she wants to find her happiness with Amory, but right now it doesn't seem like she's able to find anything but sadness with her.

I think I'm in love with her and I've fucked it all up.