Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE

The great room in our home was huge. However, it felt cramped and tiny at the moment. A few of the champagne-colored balloons floated around, reminding me that it was my wedding day. However, it felt like it had occurred weeks ago. The mood was no longer festive. Not only were all the living and breathing people who attended my wedding present but over three hundred ghosts as well. With all the agitated dead chattering and wailing, I couldn’t think straight. The big screen TV, at full volume, was on the game show channel and a rerun of The Price Is Right with Bob Barker joyously describing the final showcase. While fifty or so of the ghosts were glued to the screen, yelling prices for a boat, golf clubs, and a year’s supply of ham, the rest were zipping around the room in distress, losing arms and legs all over the place. I was pretty sure there was a head rolling around on the floor but decided not to look too closely. Everything could be superglued back on eventually—stress on the word eventually . There was no time for specter surgery right now. Tim quietly offered bowls filled with unidentifiable substances for our guests to snack on. The thought was lovely. The aroma was not. The only beings excited to eat Tim’s offerings were my dogs, Donna and Karen. That would end with some gnarly canine gas, but I had bigger problems.

Dirk, Wally, Carl and Fred, aka the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, had called to their horses and saddled up in the kitchen. Candy Vargo let them know in no uncertain terms if the steeds crapped in the house, she would make the queens eat it. Knowing Candy Vargo made good on her threats, they quickly galloped their steeds through the great room and into the yard, taking the front door with them. Candy had instructed them to be on the lookout for anything unusual, but all things considered, unusual had a broad definition for four drag queens sporting sequins, fangs and horns while riding around on huge horses.

Shoving my hands into the pockets of my army-green combat pants so I didn’t accidentally or on purpose electrocute anyone was prudent. The thoughts racing in my mind literally made me dizzy. Taking out my unhinged frustrations on innocent ghosts—no matter how out of control— was a no-no.

The only ghosts not present were the ones who weren’t supposed to be here. Where they’d gone, I had no clue. However, finding them was on the list. Seeing Steve again was unsettling. In a perfect world, my dead husband would have been a guest at my wedding to Gideon. He’d been so happy I’d found someone to love me the way I deserved to be loved. The world was far from perfect. Pinching myself to make sure I was awake, a new bruise on my thigh confirmed that I hadn’t dreamed up what we’d all seen. Luck didn’t seem to be on my side today.

Gideon placed a hand on my shoulder. In my husband’s other arm was our daughter. Shockingly, she was sound asleep. The sight of the two people I loved most in the world quieted a small part of the crazy in my brain. His steady gaze met my wild one. His touch calmed me, but I still felt the need to jump out of my skin.

“Send the ghosts away,” he said. “There’s a glitch and I’m not sure the dead are safe right now.”

“In general, or around me?” I questioned.

He shrugged and shook his head. Well, crap. If the Grim Reaper didn’t have the answer, no one did.

The bottom line was that he was correct about there being a glitch. It was the most rational explanation for the seriously irrational appearance of ghosts who should’ve completed their journeys to the other side. Inhaling deeply, I steeled my courage as I lightly touched Alana Catherine’s precious head to center myself. Freaking out would help no one.

Tamping done the need to scream or do property damage, I cleared my throat, turned off the TV, and glanced up at my transparent guests, who were flying willy-nilly all over the place. “Okay. Listen up,” I announced in my outdoor voice.

There needed to be less people in my home. Too many cooks were going to end up creating something horrendous. Kind of like one of Tim’s casseroles but deadly.

I didn’t think. I went with my gut. “Here’s the deal. I want the ghosts to go to my old farmhouse for safety. Dead friends, please find and pick up your unattached appendages and keep them with you. If you’re not sure where they are or if they belong to you, just grab whatever arm, leg or head you see and take them with you. We’ll figure out who they match with later. I promise I’ll glue you all back together as soon as I solve the… umm… issue.”

I closed my eyes for a hot sec and swallowed the desire to laugh hysterically at the words that had just left my mouth. Everything was sideways and wrong. However, it was my life, and there was no one else stepping up to live it.

“Rafe, Prue, Abby and Gabe will you take the dead to the farmhouse and protect them, please?”

My siblings nodded immediately.

Tory stepped forward. “If the ghosts are in peril I’ll go as well. As a last resort, I can take them to Purgatory. No one, even the Higher Power, can harm them there.”

My stomach cramped. That wasn’t in the plan at all. “Can they come back from Purgatory? Can they come home to me?”

Her pause was too long for my liking. “Most likely, yes.”

I squinted at her. My voice was flat and sounded harsher than I’d intended. “ Most likely doesn’t work.”

If my three hundred-ish deceased house guests—including Gram, Mr. Jackson, Lura Belle, Jolly Sue and Dimple—got stuck in Purgatory until Judgement Day I’d lose my shit.

Shaking my head, I stared at Tory. She was my friend, and I trusted her, but her last resort plan was a bad one. I was responsible for the ghosts. Purgatory might be safe, but it was not a good place to be. Getting stuck there was out of the question. “That’s a hard no. Keep the dead in the farmhouse. Rafe, drop a protection ward. Let no one in or out unless Gideon or I give the go-ahead.”

“As you wish, Daisy,” he said. “I’d like Amelia to be with me.”

“Of course,” I replied. And then to my surprise, Prue spoke up.

“I think for defensive purposes…” She looked extremely uncomfortable as she rocked back and forth on her feet. “Zander and Catriona might be… you know… umm… helpful.”

My brows shot up. I was pretty sure if they could have, they would have met my hairline. Prue’s request wasn’t unreasonable as far as defense went, but there was far more to it. I stole a quick glance at Zander. He was as surprised as I was, but the man was also delighted. He had it bad for my sister, and she’d been studiously ignoring him.

While I was dying to ask questions, I didn’t. Embarrassing her wasn’t on the agenda. My siblings finding happiness after thousands of years of misery was at the top of my wish list after getting the ghosts back where they belong and living happily ever after with my man. Gabe and Tory were beginning to work on their happily ever after. Amelia and Rafe were already on their way. If Prue and Zander were meant to be, they would have my blessing. That left Abby, but since we lived forever—hopefully—she still had time to meet her other half.

“It’s a solid fuckin’ plan,” Candy Vargo said. “I’d suggest sending Missy, June and Jennifer with them.”

“I might look delicate,” June said with a wink and a smile. “However, I’m made of steel like the claw end of a hammer.”

I smiled back. No one was sure if June was Immortal or not. I’d saved my dear friend’s life when I’d returned her soul to her body after the former Angel of Mercy, Clarissa, had stolen it. I’d told Charlie to envision June in his mind to help me out. He did. However, he’d envisioned his wife as the young woman he’d met decades before. So, when she’d come back to life, my magic had turned her back into the woman she’d been in her twenties instead of her fifties. In my defense, I’d had no idea if reviving June was even going to be possible, let alone that it would turn her young.

Initially, the transformation had been a bit of a shitshow since they had grown kids, but a little magic from Tim helped her look her real age for short periods of time. Charlie, as an Immortal, could choose his age. When June looked young, so did he. When they visited their kids and grandkids, he appeared to be in his sixties. In reality, he was a bazillion years old. The fact that the majority of my friends, including Gideon, were older than dirt was something I didn’t know if I’d ever wrap my mind around.

Maybe when I was five hundred I’d get it. However, I was forty. Getting it wasn’t gonna happen today.

Glancing over at Candy Vargo, I waited to hear what she had to say. She might be horribly dressed and profane as all get out, but she was normally the voice of reason. As the Keeper of Fate, I’d put my trust in her many times and would continue to do so. I was also surprised that she hadn’t included my baby in the list of people to leave.

“Thoughts?” I asked her.

Candy removed the toothpick from her mouth and tossed it over her shoulder. Manners were something else the woman was lacking. “Lemme think,” she muttered as she walked over to the coffee table, opened up a fresh box of toothpicks and scattered them on the table.

Slowly, she lined them up next to each other. Candy Vargo was meticulous and precise. Each of the pieces of wood was placed in a row evenly. There had to be about fifty. When she was done, she pointed at Jennifer, June and Missy. “Get your asses over here.”

The three women walked over to the table. Heather was right behind Missy. Charlie followed June. That made sense. They were their partners in this life. Jennifer walked alone. She had a guy, but he was human. Sherriff Dip Doody was the man she refused to marry because she loved him too much to screw it up with a piece of paper. It made perfect sense since my Botox loving buddy had been married and divorced multiple times. While Jennifer knew about the secret world that existed right under the noses of the humans, Dip did not, and it had to stay that way. It had been shocking to witness how unafraid Jennifer was when she realized most of her friend group wasn’t exactly human. Her only disappointment was that we didn’t sparkle like the vampires in Twilight . My dear friend was one of a kind and the mold had been broken the day she was born.

Jennifer wasn’t alone for long. Her BFF Tim hustled over and had her back. I had no clue what Candy Vargo was up to, but I waited impatiently for her to reveal her plan. Gideon stood beside me with Alana Catherine still asleep in his arms. He was alert and focused on whatever was about to happen. With the Keeper of Fate running the show, one never knew.

“Alrighty, fuckers,” Candy Vargo announced.

“Language,” Gram shouted as she darted over and waved a transparent finger in Candy’s face. “You watch that mouth, girlie. You’re makin’ my rump itch. I love you like a daughter, but I’m gonna jerk you bald if you keep callin’ your friends duckers.”

“I said fuckers not duckers,” Candy Vargo corrected Gram.

“Lord, have mercy,” Gram said, smacking Candy in the back of the head. Her hand went right through, but the intent was clear. Candy blanched. Yes, Gram was dead, but she still ruled the roost and definitely ruled Candy Vargo. Love did things like that, and Gram loved Candy. “I know what you said. I ain’t gonna repeat it. I want you to try again and not call your friends nasty names.”

Candy Vargo was wildly confused. She used the F-bomb as a verb, noun, adverb, adjective, preposition, conjunction and interjection. In the midst of the chaos we were living, I almost laughed.

“Assholes?” Candy tried.

“Heck to the no,” Gram snapped.

“Dicks?” Candy asked, clearly thinking that dicks would pass muster.

Gram just gave her the evil eye.

The Keeper of Fate ran her hand over her face as she tried to come up with an endearment that wasn’t disgusting. She was having a tremendously difficult time. The ghosts were loving the Candy show almost as much as The Price is Right .

“Wankers?” Candy suggested.

Gram shook her head as the deceased audience laughed uproariously. When the dead laughed, to say it was alarming was an understatement. The sound reminded me of a prolonged and booming death rattle. It had taken some getting used to. Now, the off-putting sound made me smile. Happy came in many sizes and sounds in my life.

Candy Vargo glanced around. “Can one of you shitbags help a girl out?” she demanded.

I blew out a long breath and shook my head. She was never gonna get it. “Use names. It’s your safest bet.”

She flipped me the bird which doubled as a thumbs up in Candy’s world. “Got it. Alright, June, Jennifer and Missy. Each of you are gonna pick a stick.”

“Wait,” I said. “Is this random or do you know what you’re doing?”

Candy Vargo rolled her eyes so hard I could only see the whites of her eyes. “Do I look fuckin’ random to you, jackass?”

There were so many ways to answer. I decided to play it safe. Getting my house blown up was something I wasn’t up for. “No.”

“That’s right,” she grunted. “Everybody—meaning Daisy—needs to keep their cake holes shut or I’m gonna shut it for you.”

I nodded and flipped her off. She seemed satisfied.

“At the risk of having my cake hole removed, I have a question,” Jennifer said.

Again, with the eye roll from Candy. “What?”

“When do we pick the stick?”

“Good question,” Candy Vargo said as Jennifer blew out a loud and relieved sigh. It was clear that she was pleased she was going to keep her cake hole. “The answer is after I do a little thingie.”

Pressing my lips together so hard it hurt, I stopped myself from asking her to define ‘thingie.’ None of this sounded good to me.

The Keeper of Fate began to glow bright orange as she waved her hands over the toothpicks. She chanted in a language that I didn’t understand. It was melodic and guttural at the same time. A shimmering lime-green mist formed a small funnel over the table and hovered over the toothpicks. When Candy clapped her hands, the mist dissolved into crystals of the same lime green and covered the table. The toothpicks were now glowing brighter than Candy Vargo. “Now you pick a pick,” she announced.

One by one, Jennifer, Missy and June chose a toothpick and held it up. Candy swiped her hand over the table and scattered the rest of the toothpicks. The minute she did it, they lost their glow. The ones held by my friends still shone brightly.

The Keeper of Fate examined Missy’s toothpick first. She stared at it for several minutes. “Missy, you and Heather will go to Heather’s place. Stay by your fuckin’ cell phones and be ready to transport if I call. Missy, you’re gonna need to be prepared to take souls into your body.”

Missy paled a bit, then nodded. My best friend since I was a child was a Soul Keeper. Unknowingly, Missy had kept my mother and Birdie safe for decades. Her gift was rare and powerful. I’d be grateful until the end of time that she’d protected my mother.

“How many?” Missy asked.

Candy shrugged. “Don’t know. How many you got room for?”

It was Missy’s turn to shrug. “Not a clue.”

Candy Vargo picked up a few toothpicks off the floor and put them into her mouth. “Welp, hopefully, we’re not gonna have to find that out. Heather, drop a ward around your house. Don’t let nobody in there.”

“Will do,” my sister said, taking Missy’s hand in hers. She turned to me and reached her other hand out. I took it. “You’ve got this, Daisy.”

“I do,” I said with more confidence than I felt.

With a quick squeeze and a kiss to my cheek, Heather and Missy transported away in an icy blue mist.

Candy moved to June next and examined her toothpick. “June, you’re goin’ to the farmhouse with the others.”

“Well, shoot,” June said with a sigh. “I was hoping to be able to help.”

Candy Vargo leaned in and hugged June. She liked June. Hell, everybody liked June. She was one of the kindest people I knew. “You will be helpin’. All them ghosts need a steady presence like you. The rest of them going over there except Amelia are batshit.”

“We can hear you,” Gabe pointed out.

Candy cackled. “Yep, I know.”

“And on that lovely note,” Abby said with a raised brow and a naughty smirk. “I say we leave before this chat degenerates into name calling, which would lead to violence and might even end with… a little cannibalism.”

“FOR FUCKS SAKE,” Candy Vargo bellowed. “I eat people one fuckin’ time, and no one can let it go.”

I winced and closed my eyes. The relationship between Candy and my Angel siblings was iffy at best. Gabe, Prue, Abby and Rafe had been eaten by Candy centuries ago. Granted, they’d tried to destroy her on Zadkiel’s dastardly orders, and she’d apparently done what she had to do being legless and armless. To this day, I couldn’t comprehend how my two sisters and two brothers were actually alive. The logistics were mind-boggling and stomach-churning. Part of me wanted the particulars, but my sense of self-preservation and my aversion to puking stopped me. Some things were better left unexplained.

“Shall we?” Rafe said, glancing up at the ghosts.

The garbled replies were affirmative. In less time than it took to blink, Gabe, Rafe, Abby, Prue, Tory, Amelia, Zander, Catriona and June, along with the gaggle of ghosts, disappeared.

The great room was far less crowded. However, not all the ghosts had left. The three of them remaining made sense. Dimple, Jolly Sue and Lura Belle had come back to give me the message. Having them here was smart. However, there were two that I wanted gone. I knew we needed to hear the verdict on Jennifer’s toothpick, but I had some business to deal with first.

“Gram, you and Mr. Jackson need to leave.”

“Daisy girl, I ain’t goin’ nowhere,” Gram informed me in the voice she used when I was a teenager and wanted to move my curfew out much later than the one she’d given me.

I hadn’t won then, but I would win now.

“You’re going,” I corrected her.

She raised a ghostly brow and crossed her skinny arms over her chest. “I was the Death Counselor before you, and I know a thing or two about it.”

I shook my head. “Gram, I want you safe. I don’t know what’s happening.”

“But you’re willin’ to put yourself at risk to figure it out?” she challenged.

I sighed and ran my hands through my hair. “That’s kind of my job.”

“And you’re my job, little missy,” she shot back.

Gram was a force to be reckoned with, but I was up for the reckoning. “I can’t lose you. That terrifies me.”

She smiled and cupped my cheek with her cool, papery hand. “Oh darlin’, shared joy means twice the joy. Shared fear means half the fear. Ain’t no man or woman is an island. As my foul-mouthed chosen daughter says, don’t fuck with fate. If you’re given a gift, take it and say thank you. I’m your gift, baby girl.”

I almost swallowed my tongue. Gram did not use the F-bomb. Ever. The old gal wasn’t playing.

“I think I said don’t fuckin’ fuck with fate,” Candy Vargo volunteered.

Gram groaned. “You did. I was tryin’ to make it a little less offensive.”

“My bad,” Candy muttered with a grin.

“I should say so,” Gram retorted. “And wipe that there grin off your face, or I’m gonna tie your knickers in a knot, Candy Vargo. That’s the only dang time you’re gonna hear the F-bomb from my mouth.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Candy replied, covering her mouth with her hand to hide the grin that was impossible to hide.

I wasn’t going to win this fight. Every day, I learned that things in our Immortal world rarely happened without reason. If Gram was certain she needed to stay, she needed to stay.

“You win, old lady… and thank you,” I said, smiling at her. “But I think Mr. Jackson should leave.”

“No can do,” Gram told me. “Mr. Jackson is my beau. We’re courtin’ now. Where he goes, I go. And where I go, he goes. We’re both old and dead. We don’t know how much time we have left. My man is as fine as a frog hair split four ways and I don’t want any of them other lady ghosts tryin’ to steal him away.”

Mr. Jackson laughed and wrapped his good arm around Gram. “Nooooooah channnceah ooooof thaaata! Haaappyah asssssss a poossummah eaaaatin sweeeeetah poooootaaaatoes!”

“What the hell did he just say?” Candy asked, squinting at the ghost.

Gram giggled like a school girl. “Mr. Jackson said he’s as happy with me as a possum eatin’ sweet potatoes! That right there just dills my pickles.”

They kissed, and their heads went right through each other’s.

All of this was news to me. My dead grandmother had a dead boyfriend who was missing half of his noggin. Literally. Granted, I adored the old man. He was sweet as could be. If Gram was happy. I was happy for her.

I began to pace the room. The living people left were Gideon, Alana Catherine, Charlie, Candy Vargo, Tim, Jennifer, the four queens outside atop their steeds and me. It was time to get back to the toothpick. Candy was already on it.

“Well, knock me over with a fuckin’ feather,” she muttered, staring at the small piece of wood Jennifer held up for observation. “I’m a little confused.”

“Define confused,” I said, stopping in front of her.

“Welp,” Candy said, scratching her head. “It’s the kind of confused where I’m not real sure if I could find my ass right now even if I stuck my hands in my underpants.”

“I didn’t think you wore underpants,” Tim said.

Gram groaned. Dimple, Lura Belle and Jolly Sue just tssked and fanned their wildly offended selves with their hands. The rest of us… we were used to it. Candy Vargo was so wrong she was right. Underpants or not, she was a badass.

“I don’t wear grundies,” Candy Vargo confirmed, pulling up the back of her dress and mooning us. “I’m just tryin’ to explain how confused I am without saying fuck a bunch of times. I know exactly where my ass is since I slap it on the regular. I just thought the analogy was good.”

“Makes sense,” Tim told her, reaching over and pulling her dress back down.

Looking at the Keeper of Fates butt wasn’t on my bingo card for today, or ever. Knowing that she slapped it on the regular was something I would need therapy to forget. “Explain what you saw,” I instructed, hoping to avoid any more talk about Candy Vargo’s privates.

Candy examined Jennifer’s toothpick one last time and sighed. “She’s supposed to stay right here.”

That didn’t make any sense. But nothing made all that much sense right now.

“I’m fine with that,” Jennifer said, pulling a bottle of wine out of her bag and uncorking it. “Do you think the Higher Power might sparkle like Edward?”

“Who is Edward?” Charlie asked.

“That cutie vampire from Twilight ,” she replied, pouring herself a glass of white.

“Umm… doubtful,” I told her. Or maybe not. What did I know? Nothing. I knew nothing at the moment. However, there were other things to be discussed.

“What about Alana Catherine?” Gideon asked the question that was about to come out of my mouth. “Her safety is paramount.”

Candy and Charlie walked over to the little gal in question. Charlie’s eyes had gone a strange silver, and his power was evident. The air always grew as thick as molasses when Charlie went warrior on us.

“Tamp that shit back,” Candy said, punching him in the arm. “Most of us like to breathe, jackass.”

Charlie smiled. “Will do.” He gently touched Alana Catherine’s head. “I believe that decision should be made after we have a chat with a few others.”

“Cryptic isn’t gonna work,” I told Charlie. I was over the Immortals speaking in vague hints.

His eyes still glowed, but the expression on his face was kind. “I quite agree, Daisy. I think we should bring in the Bitch Goddess Cecily. She just met with the Higher Power. The Goddess of the Darkness might have information that would be useful to us.”

“Fuck. Fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck,” Candy muttered, walking over to the fireplace, waving her hands and starting a roaring fire.

I looked at Gideon. He stared back at me. Well, I supposed a fire in the correct place was better than Candy blowing the back wall off the house.

“Speak,” I insisted. “Now.”

She turned around. Her expression was hard and she was glowing. With the fire in back of her, she looked terrifying. “Cecily did indeed see the Higher Power. She got Pandora out of her, and now there are two Goddesses of the Darkness again.”

“That’s good, right?” I questioned. “The balance is in check.”

“That part is good,” Candy agreed in a tight tone. “However, Cecily threatened the Higher Power, and It’s after her now.”

“Wait. What?” Gideon ground out between clenched teeth, handing Alana Catherine over to me. “Why did we not know this?”

“No one asked,” Candy pointed out. “It ain’t our problem.”

I handed my baby to Charlie. The Keeper of Fate might not have blown the back wall off the house, but I was tempted to. “It is now,” I snapped. “You should have led with that.”

Candy looked at the floor for a long beat. I wasn’t sure if I was about to get electrocuted or not. I didn’t care. Beating around the bush at this point was bullshit. There was some kind of tear in the Light and people who should be there had come back as shells of themselves. All of it was my problem.

I wasn’t sure how great it was to owe a favor to the Goddess of the Darkness, but Cecily was now my niece by marriage and as new to this crazy as I was. Besides, I liked her and she liked me.

I turned to Gideon. “Call her. Ask her to come.”

He nodded and pulled out his phone. As I’d heard the newly minted goddess say a few times… it was time to get the party started.