16

I sat by the pool's edge watching Julia intently. She lay back in a hammock floating above the shallow pool's surface. She donned her staple trucker cap. The sun beat down on her bronzed body. She brushed her fingers over the surface of the water below, and trickled the beads of water along the length of her torso. I struggled to picture a holiday without her. My experience had been like no other because of her . But like a giant alarm frustratingly sounding in the background I couldn't get away from the inevitable.

Julia was leaving.

The reality hit me like a monstrous wave crashing its way to shore and sending me hurtling back into the sandy waterside. In sixteen hours, she would be back on a plane to the states. I tried to ignore it. We spent all day lounging by the pool, sipping cocktails, and laughing like the giant clock above our heads didn't exist.

Billie crept up beside me. "How are you feeling?"

The question was too open-ended. I shrugged.

"Look, I know long-distance relationships face a whole range of struggles, but it doesn't mean it can't work. You get enough holiday days to visit the states a couple of times a year, and Julia could do the same in return. It isn't impossible." Billie sat beside me, our legs feeling the benefit of the cool water.

"I don't even know if she would want that. I don't know if I would want that. I tried a long-distance relationship once, remember? It lasted two months, and it was three hours away by car, not eight hours by plane."

"That was also with a girl you'd met once at Manchester Pride. She practically harassed you on social media to go on a date and wanted to move in with you after a week. I think we can comfortably say that was never going to work, and the three-hour distance ended up being an easy way out for you."

"Okay, so it's a bad example."

Billie nudged me. "She's different."

"I know."

My ex still played on my mind. The fear of one day telling her I'd fallen in love with someone else was enough to make me run a thousand miles in the opposite direction. I didn't want to hurt her, but I knew eventually I had to put myself first. Maybe it was time to accept that I wasn't responsible for someone else's happiness or the fallout from me obtaining my own.

"I'm scared to say goodbye. I'm equally scared to put pressure on what should have been a holiday romance." I looked over at Julia. She smiled back with the biggest grin. Perfection. "I guess I'm scared I might never see that smile again, and I'll end up spending the rest of my life obsessing over what could've been."

"There's your answer," Billie said. She jumped up and placed her hands on my shoulders. "Don't live with regrets, Harps. They'll eat away at you."

Julia clambered gracefully out of the hammock, which was impressive. The day before I had tried to exit the hammock, and during the struggle I'd resembled a giant turtle on its back. She had on a black bikini with small wooden beads decorating the ties on the sides. She held out her hand to help me up. "Follow me."

The wooden boardwalk leading up to the jacuzzi was surrounded by palm trees and clear blue shallow water. The small speakers in the nearby bushes played a Mexican instrumental; it was like Mexico's version of Ibiza chill. The birds were overpowering in the trees above, but the combination of the music, the jacuzzi jets, and the birds, created a serenity you only find in spas. There were five man-made Jacuzzis in total, similar to the cenotes, the natural limestone had been used to create the sunken water-filled tubs.

Julia kicked off her flip-flops at the edge and carefully stepped down into the warm water. I followed.

"How have I been here twelve days and not been in the Jacuzzis?"

"It's my fault; I've taken up a lot of your time." Julia smirked.

"You have. I blame you."

"You haven't been able to see the whole resort. I've ruined your experience; how terrible of me." Julia sat back against the stone edge. Her arms were outstretched.

"You have been my experience," I said softly.

"Come here," Julia purred.

I scooted around the side until I was comfortably snuggled in between Julia's legs. The stone seating was deep enough to accommodate us both.

"This is nice. Isn't it?" I let my head fall back onto her shoulder.

"It's amazing," Julia answered. The warmth of her breath glided past my ear. Her lips left a small kiss on my earlobe. I remained silent, taking it all in: the sound of birds, the rush of water, the flurry of wind, Julia's raspy voice, and the feeling of her slender toned arms wrapped around my shoulders.

It felt surreal.

I still felt like I might wake up at any moment and be propelled into the present day without Julia. It felt like a cruel dream soon to be ripped from my grasp with no forewarning, and I would be left to adjust, to accept, and to reminisce.

Billie's words echoed in my mind. Sarah and Billie spent the night before feeding my mind with scenarios, each a small snippet of a potential reality if I simply stepped off the edge of the cliff into the unknown. It was that simple—according to my best friends.

Let your heart be open to the possibility .

It sounded so easy and free from consequence, except nothing ever was.

"Have dinner with me tonight?" Julia whispered.

"Of course."

I gulped. It would be the final farewell. The end was near. I felt the shift in energy, and I hoped for a sign. A reason to stay. A reason to leave. A reason to believe. It didn't matter; I needed something to help me navigate the last few hours in Julia's presence. Until then I wanted to stay wrapped in her arms beneath the Mexican sun, at distance from the world outside our bubble.

I was in serious trouble.

The elevator took us to the eighth floor and up to the rooftop deck. It was even more stunning in the evening. The whole of the resort shone brightly below. A small group of tables were set for dinner with white linens and sparkling silver cutlery. Each table was complete with a complimentary bottle of champagne in a bucket stand at the side.

There was a musical duo performing on a floating platform in the centre of the infinity pool: a man with his guitar and a woman with her keyboard.

"Did I tell you how beautiful you look tonight?" Julia asked.

"Only three times." I smiled, but my smile was laced with sadness, as I knew it would be. Julia wore a cream waistcoat and a matching pair of trousers.

"I love this look. The whole tailored power suit really works for you."

"Thank you. I was hoping you'd say that."

After the starter and our second glass of wine the duo started to sing "Wicked Game". The polished blend of their voices had everyone listening.

"I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you. And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you."

The lyrics were painfully accurate.

Julia was acting strange. She couldn't look at me for too long without averting her gaze. She clasped her hands together on the table, only pulling them apart to reach for her glass of wine at an unusually frequent rate.

Was she nervous?

I listened intently to the music. I felt our connection slipping through my fingertips with every passing second. The distance between us would go from a table length to thousands of miles, and my heart ached at the thought. I would cherish everything about Julia Hanlow, that much I knew. I wanted to tell her how I felt, but my mouth remained tight-lipped as we swayed in our seats to the rhythm of a beautiful song .

The laughter that filled our conversations was diminished now. It felt like we were closing in on a crossroads, rushing headlong towards the point of separation, and I wanted to get off the train. I wanted desperately to pull the emergency brake and come to a grinding halt, but what if she didn't want the same thing?

What if she was happy to let go. What if she was happy to accept that our story didn't have a happy ending, that it was just a part of a bigger plan, one single cluster of memories in a treasure trove of a full life.

I wished I had the blueprint. I needed help navigating this stage of my story. I knew the odds were against us, and I proceeded anyway. I dared to believe, but now I felt the weight of that dare.

The emotional pull of a thousand love songs caused my eyes to sting. I had to tell her; there was no other way.

"Harper,"

"Julia,"

We spoke each other's name in unison.

"You first," Julia said.

"I'm falling for you. I know that's crazy. I know it has been such a short period of time, but I can't shake this feeling. I'm scared, Julia. I'm scared of being vulnerable. I'm scared of losing you even though I don't even technically have you, and I just can't imagine not seeing you again. I can't seem to envision saying goodbye to you tomorrow and waving you off like the past ten days haven't been the best ten days of my life." I pressed my mouth flat.

Uh-oh. I'd said too much. The word vomit didn't stop, and now I'd said too much. Julia was looking at me with—understanding?

Wait. She didn't speak right away, but she was nodding. She was agreeing, and then her eye's welled up. Julia Hanlow was so overcome by emotion her eyes were producing tears. I could barely focus on our surroundings, on the singers, on the waiter casually topping up our glasses with wine, and on the couples at either side pretending to go about their romantic dinner and not recognising our struggle. There was a silent perception, a moment of clarity, and I knew in that moment I wanted to be with her.

My eyes filled like an hourglass, slowly but surely, until the tears crept over the edge and flowed silently down my cheeks.

"You know when you said you were scared of never finding the one?" Julia asked. "I told you someone will love you unconditionally one day. I told you you'll love like the movies, and someone will sweep you off your feet and take you to a place where you don't have to be scared anymore."

Julia reached across the table and took my hand in hers. "Let me be that someone for you, Harper. I want to be that someone."

That was all it took. I was a blubbering mess. I had to use the fresh white napkin to attempt damage control on my makeup.

"You actually told me I was hideous, and you weren't sure I'd ever find love." I laughed.

"I happen to really like hideous women."

I grinned.

"What does this mean? What do we do?"

"I'm going to throw caution to the wind here and say something crazy. How would you feel about maybe, coming back to the states with me? Just for a few weeks, let's call it an extended vacation. There doesn't have to be any pressure,"

"Yes," I whispered .

"You can leave whenever you want. We don't have to put a label on anything,"

"Yes," I interrupted.

"We can take it at our own pace."

"Julia Hanlow! I said yes, for Christ's sake." I laughed.

"Really? You're going to come back with me?"

"Yes. I'd love to."

"What about work?"

I waved it off. "My mum is best friends with my boss, plus I have a ton of holiday days saved up."

"Okay, so, I guess we need to book you a flight then." Julia pulled her phone from her pocket. I reached over and placed my hand on hers.

"Let's just enjoy this for a moment. Come closer to me."

Julia placed her chair next to mine, so we were both facing the performers and the dark night sea view. She tilted her head to kiss me. I cradled her face with my hands, pressing her lips closer to mine.

God, I wanted her so bad.

I had no idea how it would work or even if it would work. I didn't know what would happen after our two-week vacation. What would life with Julia in her country, in her home, in her world, be like? What would my friends, my family, and my job think of my sudden urge to extend my vacation? What if the extension went beyond those two weeks? Those were questions I didn't have answers for, and there was beauty in not knowing. It terrified the life out of me, but it terrified me more to think I might never see her again.