15

I hit the switch on the electronic blind. The sunlight exposure was impossible to adjust to without sunglasses on. I reached for the black pair on my bedside table just as the light came streaming through the window. My body's sleep cycle had always been in tune with the light, that's why black out blinds on holiday were my best friend. There was no denying the link between sunlight and my serotonin levels. I instantly felt a calmness I didn't feel at home.

Today was a new day.

I tried to remain positive, but deep down so many insecurities were waiting in the wings, ready to rear their ugly heads. Billie and Sarah spent the whole night making me feel like I was the most loveable human that ever walked the earth. I adored them for that, but there was nothing they could do or say that would change the gut-wrenching feeling of regret and rejection burying its way into my soul.

I was all for those empowering women you see on TV, the badass women who can take a punch to the gut like a walk in the park. I admired the type of women who experienced failure, loss, heartbreak, and somehow turned it into a business venture and a way to better their own life.

I wasn't one of those women. Instead, I would share a couple of cryptic quotes on Instagram and slowly but surely move on with my life; a small lesson learnt and even more fear of the dreaded human emotions. Billie was still asleep; Sarah was in between us. The bed was big enough to fit four. We'd fallen asleep watching The Wedding Planner on Billie's iPad. The iconic film had been her choice, as it had been the other ten times we'd watched it since we started living together. It made sense now that I knew about her deep-seated crush on Jennifer Lopez.

My phone lit up on the bedside table.

Julia.

I felt the bottom drop out of my chest.

Julia

Good morning.

My fingers hovered over the keys. I desperately wanted to reply. I wanted to go all Jennifer Lopez when she finds out Eddie is getting married and she's planning his wedding. Awkward. As Jennifer would say, "I can do this because I love a challenge, and I am a professional!"

I can do this.

Me

Good morning. (deletes)

Me

Good morning, Julia. (deletes)

Me

Hey honey, everything good with you? (deletes)

Me

GM, wanna grab breakfast? (deletes)

I established quickly that I couldn't do it. I locked my phone and turned over, so I was face to face with Sarah's morning breath. Surprisingly, I was okay with that. Anything was better than facing Julia.

I had three full days left. Julia only had two. Avoiding her would be easy enough in a large resort. Billie and Sarah could shield me. We went to the pool furthest away from where we normally hunkered down. We ate lunch at the beach bar because I knew Julia didn't like the sand; she wouldn't eat there.

By midday I had two more text messages, and I felt guilty. She was shacking up with her ex-fiancée, categorising me as some sort of experiment, and I felt guilty. Go figure.

Julia

Can we talk?

Julia

I really would like to talk to you. Is everything okay?

Billie glanced over my shoulder. "Give me that."

She tucked my phone in her back pocket, and we went back to our sun loungers. I was on edge. What was I supposed to say if I saw her?

I'd gone for option A —ignore and move on. It felt a little cruel. On one hand, I didn't owe her an explanation, but on the other hand, I did. She wanted to talk to me, probably to explain what we'd had was great and all, but it was never going to go beyond a holiday romance. It was only ever going to push her back in the direction of Natalie. Now they could live happily ever after and plan their future wedding and babies without giving the girl she shacked up with on holiday a second thought.

Urgh. I hated myself for catching feelings. I hated Julia for not reciprocating, and I hated Mexico for creating such a beautiful backdrop which made it easy to fall in—

Nope. I refused to say it.

I didn't want to eat. I didn't want to do anything other than stick my earphones so far in my ears I drowned out every last bird tweet and replaced it with the sweet sound of Brandy's voice on the legendary Afrodisiac album. I hummed the lyrics until the humming made me cough, then I drank a cocktail and repeated the cycle.

The queue for the marquesita stand was six deep. The hard waffle and crepe combination dowsed in Nutella and strawberries had become my new favourite dessert. I needed something to take away the yellow curry taste from dinner. My tolerance to spicy food was at an all-time low in recent months. I tried. I really did.

I'd attempted to move up to one pepper on the spice scale, but even then my mouth felt like someone had covered it in gasoline and struck a match.

The strawberry and gin fizz drink soothed my throat to a degree. It was my fourth drink, so I was hoping it would soon soothe my heart too. Julia had refrained from messaging me again; three was enough. I respected that. She had respect for herself. She wasn't about to chase after someone who she didn't want in the first place. Why would she go out of her way to tell me she was getting back with her ex.

"Oh my God; is that a cat?" The small dark creature skulked its way over to the bin directly in my sight line.

"Wait, is it a badger?" The shadows from the trees made it difficult to see clearly. "I think it's a badger!"

"Where?" Billie asked.

The creature was bigger than a cat. It walked over on all fours with its back end higher than the front. The grey colour became more prominent the closer it got to us.

"Oh, look a raccoon, " the American woman in front tried to get her husband's attention.

It was a raccoon. Cool!

It made its way over to the brown bin by the food truck. The scene was comical in a way; all I saw was a glimpse of grey raccoon ass hanging out of a bin opening; it dropped in and then clambered its way back out with a napkin.

"He's so cute," I said. "Does he look skinny to you?" I asked Billie and Sarah. My knowledge on raccoons was rather limited.

"Maybe a little," Sarah replied.

"Oh, now I feel bad for him. He's hungry." He climbed from one bin into the next foraging for food.

One couple after another stopped until a crowd of gathering tourists surrounded the raccoon like he was the evening's entertainment.

"I'll get him some food." I left my place in line for the marquesita and moved to the taco food truck.

"Can I have a plate of meat for the raccoon, please?"

The chef didn't understand a word I'd said. Clearly he'd not seen the commotion.

"Chicken?" The chef asked.

"Sure. "

Billie left Sarah as the last woman standing in the queue for the marquesitas.

"You're not supposed to tell him you want meat for the raccoon." She laughed.

"I don't like lying." I shrugged. The chef made me a taco with chicken and veg. It smelt unbelievable. I placed the plate neatly by the side of the bin for when the racoon clambered its way out.

"He loves it, look." I beamed. "He loves a taco."

A member of staff for the hotel wandered by, witnessed the racoon, and said, "Please don't feed them."

I turned away. "Has he gone?"

Billie laughed. "Yes."

"I hate getting told off." I flushed. "He enjoyed it though, and that's all that matters. What should I call him?"

I was making a habit of naming my Mexican pets.

"Julia," Sarah said.

"That's not funny."

"No, Julia. She's coming this way." Sarah tried to be discreet, but she was about as discreet as a whale in a household fish tank.

"Oh, fuck. What do I do? Hide me. Hide me."

I could tell by Billie's face it was too late to get away now. So, I turned and embraced the discomfort.

"Hi, Julia," I said sweetly.

"Hey, erm, can we talk?" She acknowledged Billie and Sarah with a smile. I nodded.

God, she looked beautiful. How? Why? Couldn't she just have one off day? One day where she had a giant piece of food stuck in her teeth, or a big bogey stuck up her nose, dandruff in her hair, a clump of mascara on the top of her eyelid, anything. I would've taken absolutely anything .

Give me a break.

We passed the elevators, rounded a corner, and ended up at the back of the hotel on a piece of unused wasteland. There was a pathway through the centre, flanked by the less attractive palm trees and three or four benches. I didn't know it existed, but it was peaceful. I followed Julia's lead in taking a seat on the second bench. I wasn't sure what was wrong with the first one, but that wasn't important.

"Is everything okay?" she asked casually.

"Uh-huh." I was a terrible liar.

"Why haven't you text me back today?"

I shrugged. "I didn't see the need."

Julia's eyes narrowed. Her jaw hung open loosely. I could see the sting in my words as she recoiled, and I instantly felt bad. I needed the conversation to be over. There was no use in talking about my feelings with someone I would never see again in two days' time.

"Oh. Right. Okay." She rubbed at her forehead. "I thought we had something here." She gestured back and forth between us.

Had something? Was she delusional?

"Was that before or after you realised I was a distraction and a fling." I shouldn't have said it. I regretted the words instantly.

"Where did you hear that?" she snapped back.

"It doesn't matter." I stood up to leave. I didn't have the strength to argue, and I didn't want to face the obvious truth. "I think we should just call a shovel a shovel and both walk away."

Julia smirked.

"Why are you smiling?"

"You meant call a spade a spade, not a shovel a shovel. "

"Same thing, and not relevant." Damn my inability to remember figurative expressions. I didn't want to break the cold fa?ade I'd erected to protect my heart the second she'd walked over, but that was easier said than done.

"Please, don't walk away." She reached for my arm.

"This." I flung my arm back and forth like a complete imbecile. "Isn't going to do either of us any good, Julia."

I turned to walk away again. If I stayed much longer, I was afraid I might fall into her arms and confess feelings that would only hurt me in the long run. I had to stay strong, vacate the area, and cry into my marquesita alone.

"At least tell me who told you?" Julia yelled. "Was it Natalie? Did you see her?" Julia asked.

I was frozen in place. My back turned. My eyes darted from one open space to the next, hoping we weren't someone's evening entertainment. The only thing I hated more than having to talk about my feelings was someone watching me talk about them.

"Harper, please."

"No, I didn't."

The silence cast a net around us like a dark cloud in the night sky. I spun around to check she was still there, and I watched the moment it clicked. Her eyebrows rose causing her forehead to wrinkle and her mouth to open in the shape of the letter O .

"You overhead us, didn't you?"

I nodded.

"Shit." Julia sighed. "I wondered why you didn't come over last night, but I guess you did."

"Yeah, so you can save the lies now. I heard everything you had to say."

"What makes you think I would lie?"

"Everybody lies, Julia. "

"Tell me what I've lied to you about?"

"I'm not doing this." I shook my head.

"No, go on, please." Julia folded her arms tightly across her chest. Waiting.

Don't take the bait. It isn't worth it. Did she want an argument to make herself feel better? I felt like she wanted me to get angry.

"Enlighten me, Fox."

Oh. Okay, so she wanted to go back to that. The Julia stood before me resembled the Julia I met in the beginning, the one I called Satan's mistress, except now I couldn't unsee her naked body, her soft lips, and her hair falling over my face as she watched me orgasm from above.

Don't get upset. Don't get upset.

"What the hell." I took two steps forwards closing the gap. "You said it didn't have to end. You said I was the most beautiful woman you'd ever seen. You said you wanted to believe in destiny, and we were pulled together here for a reason. And..." My voice echoed across the open wasteland. "Whilst fucking my brains out on every surface in your hotel room, you whispered in my ear that you didn't ever want it to end. You played me. You humiliated me. And to top it all off you couldn't just let me leave; you had to have this chat, to what? Rub it in my face? That's cold, even for you."

"Are you done?" Julia's expression was strained but cocky. It made me want to throw the contents of my handbag one by one until she was showered in a puddle full of beauty products and Mexican pesos.

"No, you're an asshole too. And quite unattractively sarcastic. I thought it was endearing; I take it back. It's not endearing, it's just assholey. "

Now I was done. I turned to walk off again, but Julia caught up with me before my foot fell in line with the first bench.

"Will you just take a breath, please."

"Don't patronise me." I scowled.

"You clearly didn't stay and eavesdrop on the whole conversation," Julia said.

I didn't like the way she said eavesdrop, even though that's technically what I'd done. It sounded seedy.

"Are you going to say I missed the part at the end where you made it difficult for her before you opened your arms and allowed her to fall back into your vagina like she'd never left."

"Okay, I understand you're annoyed, but if you'd just let me—"

"I am more than annoyed, Ju—"

"Harper!" she yelled, and I was unable to respond because the palm of her hand was over my mouth. I had to resist the urge to bite her. "Please, let me explain. Will you stop talking for a minute?"

I nodded. Julia released her clammy palm from my face and proceeded.

"If you'd have listened in long enough you would've heard me tell Natalie that originally that's what this was, a distraction. I thought it would be nothing more than a holiday romance, as I'm sure you did too. I don't think it was unkind of me to think that way, but I also told her..." She paused.

Told her what? My body screamed.

"...that it is so much more than that now."

The tight pressure in my chest eased. My rigid shoulders relaxed.

"It is?" My eyes searched hers. I felt my body melting into soft goo from that one simple sentence.

Julia stepped forwards, pulling me closer to her, and I let her. I let my body merge with hers. I let her hand run the length of my arm until it cupped my cheek and her eyes burned deep into my soul. The moonlight glistened, and it was beautiful, but Julia, she outshone everything.

"Yes. It's so much more," she whispered. Her lips closed in on mine, and I let my defences slip away.

"Your smile makes me want to smile." She pressed her mouth to mine. "The sound of your voice brings me joy."

I smiled against the kiss. "Oh, yeah?"

"And." She inhaled, "At the risk of sounding stalkerish, you always smell... incredible." She kissed my neck, and I collapsed into her arms. I thought going weak at the knees was a myth.

"God, that does sound stalkerish, doesn't it?" Julia laughed.

"It's a little stalkerish, but I'll take it."

Julia leaned back. She traced a line from my fringe down to my ear where she tucked a loose strand of hair away delicately.

"I don't want to think about the end," she confessed.

"Let's enjoy the now." I was fighting every urge to cry. I categorised myself as an emotional person. I'd cried over a lot lesser things, but I fought and I fought until Julia pulled me in close, and I allowed a solitary tear to roll down my cheek and break on the surface of her shoulder. I knew in that moment I would miss everything about her.

This time it wasn't my lack of coordination that had me falling. No, falling insinuated I had some control; I had none.

I was crashing.

I was spiralling .

I was hurtling towards Julia like a comet crashing into the earth's atmosphere, and I had no idea how I got there.