30. Miles

30

MILES

"Morning." I smiled at Rachel, who was sitting in a black salon chair, her hair pinned up in curls, as I entered the hair and make-up trailer.

As a male performer, I was lucky that my call times were typically an hour or two later than my female counterparts because I didn't have to do much in the hair and make-up department. However, that varied depending on whether there were special effects or wounds that needed to be put on, or in this case, I was already on set because I was co-directing.

"Morning," Rachel returned the greeting, then turned her attention right back to her sides, which were the scenes we were filming today.

"Did you want to run lines?" I offered as I took a seat on the salon chair beside her.

"No, I'd rather it be fresh."

I nodded. Every performer had their own process. Some wanted to run scenes into the ground, over and over. Some wanted to improv, not using anything that was on the page, just making the scene up as we went along so that even if we forgot our lines, we had a safety net of knowing the heart of the scene. Others, like Rachel, didn't want to rehearse at all, so it sounded more natural. I didn't really have a preference. I just wanted to make whoever I was in the scene with the most comfortable to get the best performance out of them as possible.

"She's amazing." Rachel sighed as she lifted her Stanley cup and took a sip from it.

"Excuse me." I rested my head back as Lana, my makeup artist, applied under-eye cream.

"Zoe. She's amazing. She got pregnant at sixteen years old, and then she got kicked out of her house. She got married and had a baby the same year. Her husband died when she was eighteen. I mean…that's a lot. But she still not only graduated high school and went to college. She started nursing and got her master's degree. And AJ seems like such a great kid."

My eyes cut to her. "You met AJ?"

"Yeah, I went over to her house yesterday. AJ came home while I was there. He's great."

"Yeah, he is."

I found myself feeling jealous that Rachel had spent the day with Zoe and AJ, and I hadn't been invited. Which was insane; I realized that. It was not a healthy response. Still, it was how I felt.

"What did you guys do?" I asked as casually as I could.

"We went through a bunch of photo albums, and I had a whole list of questions about Austin and her relationship with Austin and how she felt about different times in their relationship."

Right. I probably should have asked her that.

I realized then I hadn't ever asked her anything about Austin. I should have. I'd gone to her house to meet her, and something happened. From the first time I saw her, I'd crossed a line with her. I'd barely spoken to her about Austin. I hadn't wanted to bring him up. The truth was that it was a disservice to this movie and to the responsibility I had for portraying him.

"We talked a lot about their relationship. What they had was so real. He was amazing. I don't know how she could ever get over that kind of love."

As Lana continued working on me, I stared at my reflection in the mirror and contemplated what had transpired between Zoe and me. It sounded like a cop-out, but the truth was, it felt like we were magnets being pulled together. I knew that wasn't an excuse for not bringing up Austin, but it was the reason I hadn't. There'd been something going on from the very first time I'd looked into her eyes. I couldn't deny that.

"Lean back. You gotta be eighteen again." Lana pumped the foot pedal several times.

"Right."

Normally, I had a five o'clock shadow, but whenever I played eighteen to twenty, I was always clean-shaven. It was crazy how just removing some stubble from my face could take years off my appearance.

Lana was old school and used a straight razor. She lathered my face with shaving cream and then went to work. She'd done half my face when I heard the door open. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Shania walk inside.

"Hey guys, just wanted to go over everything we're shooting today. It's a lot. We have fifteen pages, which is very ambitious, so we need to stay on schedule. We have a lot of coverage to get. We're doing all the bus stop scenes. So, that includes scenes one-twelve, one-nineteen, one-twenty-two, one-twenty-seven, and one-thirty-one. Rachel, do you have any questions or concerns?"

"No. I was just telling Miles I spoke to Zoe yesterday, and I feel very prepared. I really think I know where she was at emotionally each one of the times she said goodbye to him."

"Okay, great. Well, we'll see you out there. We should be ready in about thirty. Oh, have you tried on the prosthetic?" Shania pointed to the silicone baby bump hanging at the back of the trailer. One of the bus scenes we were filming today was when Austin comes home after his first deployment, and Zoe is seven months pregnant.

"I did," Rachel confirmed.

"The polaroids are there." Lana pointed to the wall that was lined with wardrobe photos.

"Looks good to me." Shania pulled one off the wall and held it up so I could see it.

"Yeah," I agreed.

The rest of the day moved fast and felt more surreal than I'd thought it would. This was the first time I was doing any scenes with the Zoe character. I was actually really glad that she'd suggested switching the actress from being a brunette to a blonde. It was easier on me.

As we went through the scenes, I found myself getting more and more emotionally drained. We shot Austin leaving for boot camp. Austin leaving for his first deployment. Austin coming home when Zoe is pregnant. Austin coming home after AJ is born. And finally, the most heart-wrenching scene, Austin leaving when AJ was two for the last time. Of course, they didn't know that it was going to be the last time.

By the time I made it back to my trailer, I was completely exhausted. My relationship with Zoe had crossed a line, one that I knew was inappropriate. I felt like shit that I was playing her husband in this movie, saying the things he said to her when they were married.

Part of me wished that I could go back to when she opened the door and do everything differently, but part of me knew that even if I could, I wouldn't change it. That only made me feel like an even bigger piece of shit.

I had feelings for Zoe. Real feelings. I didn't want to.

And I had to believe that she did, too.

Why else would she have shown up at my door after the birthday party?

Even though I appreciated Nadia being my wing woman, I knew that she hadn't talked Zoe into anything.

I wish I could talk to Austin. But if he were here, none of this would be happening. They would be together. And honestly, I wish that were the case. After seeing the videos, after saying the things he said to her, after hearing about their once-in-a-lifetime love and playing it out on screen, I knew they belonged together.

But he wasn't here. And if they couldn't be together, did that mean she should be alone?

I ran my hands through my hair in frustration.

Was that what he would want?

Is that what she wanted?