31. Zoe

31

ZOE

My brain would not shut off as I stared up at my ceiling, counting the lines of shadows from the moonlight streaming through my blinds. I needed sleep. Badly.

Next week, I was taking time off so I could be with AJ on set. To do that, I'd traded shifts for the past two weeks and hadn't had a single day off. I was physically exhausted. These last couple of months, I'd dredged up so much of my past that I was emotionally exhausted. But for some reason, I couldn't shut the mental part of my brain off.

All I could think about was the movie. More specifically, Miles Ford.

From the moment I opened my eyes in the morning until the second I drifted off to sleep at night, if I drifted off to sleep—and that was a big if—Miles was at the forefront and in the background of my thoughts. I couldn't stop thinking about him.

I knew that it was ridiculous, but I felt like I was cheating on Austin. It was strange because I didn't feel that way when I'd hooked up with a few guys who went to my school or with Dr. Elias Russell. I never felt guilty about being with any of them. But I felt guilty about Miles.

I didn't understand why I couldn't just get over him, forget about him, and move on. I'd never gotten emotionally attached to any of the other men I'd been physically involved with. An argument could be made that the only reason I had such strong feelings for Miles was because he was playing Austin in the movie, and none of this was about Miles at all.

Out of sheer survival, I'd pushed down and suppressed so many feelings and memories that I'd had to bring back up to the surface again as of late. And now that they were here, I was projecting them all onto Miles. That had to be it. That had to be why they were so strong and would not go away.

I turned over my pillow to find a cooler spot and flopped onto my other side. I grabbed my phone off the nightstand. It was after midnight. I had to be up at five a.m. because I had a shift at seven. Willing myself to go to sleep wasn't working. Counting shadow lines on my ceiling wasn't working. I needed to try something else. I sat up and pushed the covers off me.

AJ was spending the night at Richie's, so there was no chance he'd wake up and worry about where I'd gone. Walter was out for the count, but I'd leave him a note letting him know I'd taken a drive on the off chance he got up and noticed I was gone.

With a newfound determination, I swung my legs out of bed, threw on a zip-up hoodie, padded down the stairs, jotted out a quick note, left it on the fridge, slipped on some tennis shoes, and was out the door. I got in my car and drove to the lookout spot. There were quite a few clouds in the sky tonight, which made the narrow, winding path darker than usual. Thankfully, I knew the way, like the back of my hand.

Once I hit the clearing, I felt my entire body exhale. I walked to the boulder that overlooked the ocean and lowered down. I pulled my legs up so that my knees were against my chest and hugged them. As the waves crashed against the rocks below, I took a deep breath and pulled Austin's dog tags out. I held them in the palm of my hand. This was the place that I felt closest to Austin. It was the place where I felt like I could talk to him, and he heard me.

Tears formed in my eyes, but I sniffed them back. "I wish I knew if I'd done the right thing by saying yes to this movie. AJ really wanted it made. And Walter did, too. I thought you would want it made. But now, I don't know. I talked to the writers. I told them everything. I told them all about how you saw me in the library and went to South Carolina to work on the bee farm and gave me a jar of honey. I told them about our first date on the pier. I even sent them my journals from when we first got together and our letters when you were deployed and in boot camp. I figured if they were going to do it, it might as well be right.

"I, um, talked to the girl who is playing me; her name is Rachel; she's sweet. I told her all about us. I told her about how I cried when I found out I was pregnant and how you were excited to be a dad. You said you would take care of us, and you did. You always took care of us." Two tears fell down my cheeks. "AJ is excited. He's playing you. He auditioned and got the role without the casting director knowing he was your son, or at least that's what they said. I don't know if that's true. But I do think he's good. He's gonna film next week.

"The girl who is playing the young me is named Kendall. AJ likes her. She's Ariana Culpepper's daughter. Do you remember Ariana? She left after second grade, so I don't know if you knew her. Anyway, she's back now. I'm pretty sure that Kendall is gonna be AJ's first girlfriend. She's sweet and smart. You'd like her. You'd be so proud of AJ. He's doing so much better in school since he got diagnosed."

My fingers tightened around the dog tags, and in that moment, I realized that I hadn't worn them to the offices the night I'd gone there. I'd also taken them off when I left Party Palace, and I'd gone to Miles' house after the birthday party. Guilt washed over me. The only reason I'd done that is because I didn't wear them when I knew I was going to be intimate with someone or if I even thought it might be a possibility. That means I definitely thought it was going to be a possibility.

"And Miles Ford, he um, he's the actor who is playing you. He helped AJ with his audition. He has dyslexia, too, and he talked to AJ about it. He showed him some of the positive sides to his brain working the way it does. And I, uh, I heard AJ telling Ritchie that he feels like it's his superpower now." Another tear slid down my face, and my voice was shaky as I continued, "Um, speaking of Miles, I sort of, um, I have, we've sort of, hooked up. A couple times. I'm sorry. I am so sorry. I don't know if I have feelings for him or if they are just because I keep having to talk about you, and he is playing you. Or I don't know if I'm just lonely or if I actually like him or what. I just… I do know I wish you were here. I wish this movie was not getting made because you were still here. Why aren't you here? Why did you leave me? You said I would never be alone! You should be here!"

More tears fell down my face, and I heard a sound behind me. I turned around and saw Miles standing in the clearing.

"What are you doing?!" I yelled as I stood up.

"I'm so sorry." He held up his hands. "I didn't know you were going to be here."

"Then why are you here? What are you doing here!?"

"I just…I came here because…"

"Because why?!" I demanded. This wasn't his place to come. I felt betrayed. Or no. I felt like I'd betrayed Austin by bringing Miles here in the first place.

"This week…" Miles dropped his arms to his sides. "I've just been…it's been hard and confusing, and I just wanted to be somewhere that…I don't know…I shouldn't have come."

"It's been hard ? What's been hard?!"

Miles's shoulders sank. I noticed, for the first time, that he looked exhausted, worn down, defeated. Also, he looked like he'd lost weight. "Just…everything. Being Austin. Everything that is going on with us. Or not going on with us. I don't know. It's nothing. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry…for everything."

He turned around and left. I thought about going after him—stopping him. But I didn't. I couldn't. I just sat back down as more tears fell down my face. I wrapped the hoodie around me tighter, and when I did, I realized it was Miles' hoodie. I'd grabbed his hoodie to come up here. For some reason, that just made me cry harder.