28. Benny

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

benny

So this friends thing with Rowan has been equal parts torture and bliss. He comes over to my house a lot. Like, almost every day. On Saturdays, he helps a lot with fixing up the place. Little fixes here and there and then also baking with my mother.

Yes, Rowan bakes. The big guy really seems to love it, and I know my mom loves his company.

It would be perfect except for the whole just friends thing we’ve held onto, unfortunately. No kissing. No touching. Nothing.

And that part is torture because every time I close my eyes, I swear I can feel his lips on mine.

“So what do you think?” Oh right. Jessica is talking to me. She’s really nice. I like her and all, but I don’t want to date her. I don’t want to date anyone except...

My eyes inadvertently roam over to where Rowan is standing, stretching for baseball practice near the dugout, but his eyes are glued to Jessica and me. Why does he keep fighting this thing?

He still wants me. That much is obvious, and he’s spending less and less time around his dad. Their relationship is already fractured—maybe beyond repair—and as much as I hate that for Rowan, it’s his father’s loss.

He’s missing out on his amazing kid.

“Um, I’ll think about it, okay?” I offer lamely to Jessica, who has her pouty lower lip poked out as she folds her arms. For a moment, I’m a little worried she’s going to cause a scene—go off on me, but like I said, she’s a cool girl.

“Okay, Benny, but it would be so much fun.” She drops her folded arms to use her hand to drag a finger down over my chest, I think to entice me and probably offer up the promise of more. But what she doesn’t know is the only one I want more from is the broody boy across the gym, who’s staring daggers at her right now.

I hate that his blatant jealousy makes me slightly giddy. But it also pisses me off because he could have me. There’s really no reason to be jealous.

I tell her I’ll see her later—she has softball practice on the other field—and then run over to where Rowan is waiting. “Got a date?”

He’s so obvious. “I don’t know. She asked me to prom on Saturday because she heard I don’t have a date.” I glare in his direction. “Guess I was waiting for someone else to ask me.”

He’d just lifted his leg back to stretch and nearly topples over. I catch him by his big shoulders to steady him. He quickly looks around, and I release him, stepping back so he doesn’t have a heart attack, thinking anyone knows about us. It makes me bitter and angry, but it’s not really fair to him. I can’t expect him to claim me right here and now, in front of everyone. This isn’t a movie—it’s our lives, and doing that would change everything.

I know that, and still part of me wants it so badly. “Uh, yeah. Bianca asked me for the same reason, I guess.”

I snort, trying to play it cool, even though part of me is dying on the inside. She didn’t ask him because he didn’t have a date to be nice. She really likes him. I’ve seen the way she still looks at him from afar. “Right.”

“What?” His eyes darken, showing his shitty mood.

“She wants you, man.”

He looks around again to see who’s paying attention to us, the answer is still no one. No one cares about what we’re talking about. “Doesn’t matter.”

“Right.” Like she wasn’t the one he used as his beard there for a while. Anything to avoid the truth. I’m being an asshole. I know that, but it hurts. I hate that he didn’t flat-out turn her down. Is he going to go and make a big show of it? Will he kiss her? More? My mind is spinning out of control. “You going?”

He shrugs. “Don’t know.”

Before I can ask him any other questions, our baseball coach is telling us to start running laps.

“Jesus fuck, every damn sport with the laps,” Rowan says on a groan, and I can’t help but laugh.

“Running is sort of essential in most sports.” I wink at him and take off around the bases with him right by my side, but my anger and frustration can’t be run off. It’s just burning there under the surface as I make my way around.

When will we be able to just be more?

Even though Rowan came over for dinner after practice, things are tense. I can’t stop thinking about prom and the lengths he will go to for this stupid town to see him as normal . There’s nothing wrong with what we have, but he’s still so afraid.

He thanks my mom and dad for dinner, and we go out to the barn, my sullen attitude in tow. “Where should we start?” he asks with a forced smile like he’s okay, but I know he isn’t. He isn’t fooling me.

“Are you going to prom with her?”

He startles a little, his eyes meeting mine as he swallows thickly. “I don’t know, Benny. My dad would probably be pleased.”

“Fuck your dad,” I bite out, and he looks a little shocked. I don’t apologize though.

“Benny...” He starts toward me, but I step back.

“Do you really care that much about what he thinks? So much that you’d go to prom with a girl you don’t feel anything for, when you could go with me?”

He steps closer to me, reaching out, but I jerk my arm away before he can touch me. “We’re friends.”

I shake my head, sniffling like a child. “We’ll never be just friends, and you know it.”

His sad eyes hold onto mine. “What do you want from me, Benny? You really want to just blow up my entire life? You want me to take you to prom and hold my middle finger up to my father—say goodbye forever?”

Yes.

But I don’t say my thoughts out loud. I don’t want him to be sad and miserable or lose anything because of me. But why can’t he see what we have could be so much more?

My throat burns with a sob I won’t allow to come out. “I don’t want to watch you with a girl you don’t feel anything for, when I want you so badly, I can barely breathe.”

He gasps at my admission, but it shouldn’t shock him that I feel that way.

“It kills me. To see you all the time and not be able to touch you.” I drop my head, my shoulders falling as I look at the barn floor.

His touch is devastating when I feel his fingers on my chin, lifting it up. I look into his sad eyes and want to cry. “Benny...”

He catches my quiet sob with his lips as they press against mine. For a moment, I let myself have it. I wrap my arms around his shoulders and pull him into me, letting him destroy me with his beautiful, wanton kiss.

Bliss and torture. All wrapped up in everything with Rowan Kincaid.

He doesn’t pull away from me, but he slowly stops kissing me, letting his forehead rest against mine as we breathe each other in. “She made it clear she just wants to go as friends, and I told her that’s all she and I could ever be.”

It should make me feel better, but it doesn’t. “More pretending.”

“I can’t lose him. I know it doesn’t make any sense. I’m just not ready.”

I press a kiss to his lips again, softly, sweetly. Another good-bye. It feels like all our time together is a good-bye. “You should go home. I can handle the chores tonight.” He starts to argue, but I pull away. “Please, Rowan.”

He nods slowly before walking out of the barn.

This is too hard, the torture is starting to outweigh the bliss. And I’m not sure how much longer I can take this.