29. Rowan

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

rowan

I’m losing him. I could feel it that night in the barn. The last time I got to kiss him. Being just friends isn’t working for him anymore—truth be told, it’s not working for me either.

I haven’t seen him much at all this week. He hasn’t invited me over after practice, and I haven’t begged him, despite wanting to. I don’t know if he agreed to go with Jessica to prom or not. I decided to skip it. Hopefully, I let Bianca down nicely, but I barely even remember it. It’s like I’m just floating through on autopilot.

I just want Benny.

And I could have him. I know that much. He’s told me as much. But it’s not fair to make him hide and be my secret. It’s not fair to him, and yet, I’m still driving my truck out to our spot—the spot where he gifted me his anal virginity out under the stars.

And when I see his truck is parked here too, my heart stutters in my chest. I nearly stop breathing.

He’s here.

He’s sitting on the tailgate of his truck, looking out in the distance, but when he hears my rumbling truck, his hopeful eyes meet mine.

I can’t do this anymore.

I park my truck and climb out, my knees wobbly as I walk toward him, but I don’t give him even a second to speak. I just grab the back of his neck with my hand and pull his mouth to mine. I kiss the hell out of him, not letting up until we’re both panting and breathless, Benny giving as good as he gets.

His fist is clenched in my t-shirt as he kisses my lips and then slides his eager mouth over my jaw and neck. Anywhere he can reach. “You’re here.”

“I...” I pant, finding it hard to think as he devours my neck with his sweet mouth. “I love you, Benny.”

He gasps at that, pulling back so he can look into my eyes. “You do?”

I roll my eyes at him and smile, pulling his mouth to mine once more for a heated kiss. “Yes,” I say as I peck his lips softly. “Yes. So much.”

“I love you too,” he says, but his voice is a little shaky, like he’s waiting for the but . There isn’t one.

“I can’t do this anymore. I can’t fight what we have, just because I know my father will hate me.”

“Maybe he won’t,” he tries, but it’s halfhearted. We both know my dad is a cruel bastard. He isn’t going to be okay with it. Life isn’t like that. But I’m oddly okay with it, all of a sudden.

“I can’t lose you, Benny.”

He licks his lips slowly. “You wouldn’t, Rowan. Even if...” I can tell the words are hurting him. “Even if we can only be friends. I can’t stay away from you.”

“The just friends thing isn’t working for me,” I say honestly, pressing a kiss to his lips because I can, and I couldn’t for so long. “I’m in love with you. I need to be able to kiss you and touch you and be with you.”

He lets out a quiet little sob, and I bring him closer to my chest, wrapping my arms around him in a full hug. “Then let’s be together. A real relationship. Boyfriends. Whatever you want. I just want to be with you. Your Benny.”

I smile and kiss the top of his head. “You’ll always be my Benny. And yes, all of that. I want all of it.”

I can feel him smiling into my chest.

Tension floods back into my soul, though, and I know he feels it, pulling back enough to look at my face. “I don’t know if I’m ready to tell everyone at school or my dad.” Shame floods through me. “I hate hiding you, Benny, but I’m...” Terrified. A coward.

But he reaches up and cups my face with his hand and shakes his head to stop me from talking. “We have two weeks of school left. I don’t care about that. And you never have to tell your dad. I don’t care, Rowan. I just want to love you.”

“We could tell your parents,” I say, hoping he’ll accept the peace offering.

His eyes light up at that. “Yeah?”

I smile and lean in to kiss him again. “Pretty sure they already know.”

His cheeks blush slightly. “Yeah, considering Dad has seen your bare ass.”

I pinch his side, and he laughs, leaning in for a nipping kiss that soon turns heated. We climb into the back of his truck. He still has blankets in it, a habit since that first night. It’s not cold tonight, but it’s nice to have some padding under us as we strip out of our clothes.

He has some lube stashed back here too, and I quickly use it to prepare him, not bothering with a condom because we both know neither of us has been with anyone else. Too wrapped up in each other.

We were so damn stupid—or I was—because this is all I want. All I need. Even if my dad hates me, which I’m pretty sure he will as soon as he finds out, I have Benny. That’s all that matters.

“I can’t believe I almost screwed this up,” I say as I press slowly into his body.

His hands smooth over my back as he kisses me lovingly. “You didn’t. You just took your time. It’s okay to be a little behind, Rowan. I’m like, really advanced.”

He winks at me, and I pull all the way back to thrust into his body, punishing him in the best way for that mouth of his. He lets out a ragged moan, and his fingernails dig into my flesh. “I’ll show you advanced.”

“Yes please,” he says with a laugh that I feel everywhere, especially when his tight ass clenches around me, and it vibrates through us both. I kiss him hard, slamming into him over and over, pushing us both toward an epic release.

I’ll never give this up again.

Never.