26. Benny

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

benny

Winter Break went by entirely too fast. Now it’s a new year, and my very last semester of high school. I thought I’d love this year—being a senior and king of the school. Oh, how wrong I was.

Because as good as the year started, it ended on a horribly sad note. Because I’m not really Rowan’s Benny. No matter how hard I tried to close my eyes and pretend on Christmas Eve it was all real.

That we could be together. After we’d both come down from the high, I just felt cold and empty. He’s not mine. And I’m not his.

I see him first thing when I walk into school. It’s cold, and there’s freezing rain outside. They probably should have called school but didn’t. Oh well. I don’t even care anymore.

About anything. My parents are worried, both of them tried to talk to me, but I didn’t want to hear about how it would all be okay. That it must not have been meant to be or that Rowan will come around.

He won’t. I can see it on his face, the worry, like maybe I’ll go crazy and tell the whole school what happened between us, but he relaxes into a sad frown when he must come to his senses and know I’d never hurt him.

No matter how badly I’m hurting, I won’t hurt him back. I don’t want to be mad at him, but I am. I want him to try to be with me. Try to work it out so we can be together, but he shut it down.

There’s no hope. He watches me carefully, but I try my best not to look his way. It hurts too much. I go on about my classes, barely listening, barely present. After school, it’s basketball practice. I don’t care for the sport nearly as much as I love football, but it’s always been something to do.

Keeps me busy in the winter. I’m regretting it now, though, as I watch Rowan tug on shorts and a tank top for practice. I hate that my eyes go to his strong biceps, knowing just how defined and hard they are when I hold onto them as he’s plowing into me over and over again.

Fuck. Don’t get hard. I will myself. I’m heartbroken, but my dick still works.

He gives me a smirk, like he knows exactly what I was thinking. And for a moment, it feels like old times when I thought he was the hottest thing I’d ever seen, and he knew I thought that but didn’t acknowledge it.

I want to go back.

“Dad, I told you. I can handle the chores myself tonight.” I know my dad is tired and sore after working hard all day.

“Or you could not be a stubborn asshole and just accept some help.” That’s not my dad. I turn around to find Rowan there, dressed the same way he was after practice today in ripped jeans and a dark-gray henley. He has a coat on, but it’s not zipped up.

“What are you doing here?” My voice is cold and very much not me, but why is he playing with me? Doesn’t he know it guts me to be this close to him and not be able to touch him?

“Look, I was thinking...” He walks closer to me, and I stiffen, afraid he’ll touch me. And terrified he won’t. “Just because we aren’t...”

He seems to be struggling with words as he pauses. “Together?” I supply because we were, weren’t we? Even if we had to hide. It sure felt like we were together.

His lips form a thin line, and he gives a slight nod. “Yeah, even though we aren’t together anymore, that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.”

I snort. “We were never friends.”

“Yes, we were,” he argues quickly, and it surprises me. Like he needs to believe we were. That we can be again.

I look over at him tiredly as he approaches, walking even closer to me. I can smell his cologne, familiar and warm, mixed with the school’s shower soap. “I can’t just be your friend.”

“You’re the best friend I ever had, Benny.” He breaks my heart with that, his big hand sweeping over my cheek. “Please.” He’s pleading with me, and damn him, I can’t say no.

I nod my head slowly and take his hand off my cheek, squeezing it quickly before letting it drop. “But no touching. I can’t take it. Christmas Eve was...”

He leans in, his breath caressing my face. “Amazing.”

I lick my lips, thinking about that night, him sliding into my body. His warm cum filling me up because we didn’t use a condom. I didn’t want to. I’d never wanted anything more than to have a part of him inside me. “It can’t happen again,” I say quietly, my eyes on his, and I realize his gaze is locked on my mouth. He looks like he wants to kiss me, and God help me, I want it, but I can’t accept his kiss.

“Please, Rowan. It will break me,” I say honestly. Probably with too much honesty, but he has to know.

He seems to regain his wits then, stepping back from me and taking a deep breath into his massive chest. He gives a clipped nod. “No touching. Just friends.”

I study him closely, wondering how the hell he thinks that could work out. I’ve seen him at his most vulnerable. I’ve seen him in the throes of passion. I know what makes him moan and what makes him cry. How can he think this is a good idea?

How can I be willing to go along with it?

I know the answer though. We want to be together, and for whatever reason, can’t be. So we’ll just cling onto the tiny little scraps.

“Grab a shovel,” I say to him with a quick wink.

“You’re lucky I like you, McBride,” he says, grabbing a shovel to clean out the mess the animals made in the barn.

“Hey, you finally admitted you liked me! All it took was me playing with your dick.” I laugh at my own joke, and for the first time in a long time, it’s an actual laugh that I feel.

He groans. “If we can’t touch, you can’t talk about the times you’ve played with my dick.”

I chuckle. “Fair.”

“It’s really, really not,” he says, and I notice he’s adjusting his junk with one hand while holding the shovel in the other. I can’t help but laugh at that.

“Seriously? Being around pig and cow shit doesn’t make your dick deflate?”

“You’re here.” He pins me with an intense look. “I’m always hard around you. It’s a problem.”

I lick my lips again, and they suddenly feel very dry. I want to offer to help him out with that, drop to my knees and take him deep into my throat and worship his pretty dick.

He lets out a loud groan and points at me. “No. Stop looking at me like that.”

I chuckle and shrug. “I said no touching. Not no looking.”

He rolls his eyes at me and looks away from me with a small grin on his handsome face. God, I missed him and his surly attitude that softens just for me.

I can’t have him the way I really want him, but maybe this is enough. Because I don’t know how to completely cut him out of my life, now that I’ve had him in it.

I don’t even want to, no matter how badly it hurts.