25. Rowan

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

rowan

I feel like I’m drowning. Under water and not even trying to claw my way back up to the surface. Because what’s the point?

I’m haunted by Benny’s face when I pushed him away. When I said cruel, hateful things I didn’t mean. He knew I didn’t mean them, but they still speared through his heart and broke him.

I broke the best thing I ever had. The best person I’ve ever known. I shattered him into pieces, and why? Because his father caught us? His dad wasn’t angry, he didn’t even look that shocked that we were together—despite his obvious embarrassment, having caught his son totally naked and wrapped up with someone.

I didn’t see the disgust I thought I would. But it didn’t matter because Benny is so good, and of course, he comes from good. His parents would be okay, but the rest of our world?

There’s no way.

I played like shit in those last football games, and it should have bothered me more than it did. It should have killed me that we didn’t have a spectacular season, but I wasn’t thinking about football.

I was thinking about the sunny, bright boy I broke. I took away his shine, and I hate myself for it.

“What has you so pissy?”

I glare up at my father as I sit at the kitchen table, sipping my black coffee, and staring out at the snow falling down outside through the window. “I’m fine,” I grumble, not sure why the hell he’s talking to me. We don’t really speak much, and it’s been even less since I pushed Benny away for good.

I’m angry and bitter. Hating my father even more because he’s the main reason I can’t have Benny. I know he’s always known who I really am, and he hated that part of me. If my mom were here, I don’t know if it would be different. Just like Benny is good, I’m convinced I’m bad—I come from bad, uncaring people.

But I don’t know if that’s really true. I think my mom was good—too good for him.

He sits down at the kitchen table. “Church tonight,” he barks his order at me because it’s not a discussion. We go to church once a year. Christmas Eve. Every. Year. And then I don’t see him for two days after.

I’m assuming it’s because he goes off, trying to drink himself to death, but it never takes. He always shows back up. I know he’s grieving, but at what point does he have to wake up and see, while she’s no longer here—I am.

I don’t think he’ll ever see that, and all I want is Benny.

My Benny.

It’s snowing hard when I pull into the driveway at my house and park my truck. As predicted, my dad left the church parking lot in his own truck, and he’s not here. He won’t be.

I sit in my truck and suck in air over and over, trying to soothe the pain. I saw Benny at church. The whole town goes on Christmas Eve, I swear, trying to repent right before Christmas, as if it will help.

He didn’t look like himself at all. A haunted shell. His parents eyed me with quiet concern. I thought they’d hate me, that I’d see it in their eyes. But they both looked at me as if I held some sort of key to making their son okay.

Oh, how wrong they are.

I finally climb out of my truck when I see a dark figure making their way up my snowy drive. It doesn’t take me long to realize it’s Benny, bundled up, but it’s still cold as fuck and snowing. He walked here?

“What are you doing, Benny?” I ask as he approaches me. I can see his face in the moonlight. His face is red from the cold, but his eyes are red and wet, like he’s been crying.

“Why?” he asks brokenly.

I want to pull him to me. Make him warm and happy. Take away all that pain I caused. “Why what?” I choke out.

“Why did you give up on us? You cared. I know you cared.”

I turn away from him, unable to look at him. “I can’t do this. Go home, Benny.”

Even as I say it, though, my fear ratchets up, thinking about him walking back home in the snow and the cold. What if he falls and he’s out in the elements all night long? I turn around to tell him I’ll take him home, but he shoves me with all his weight, and I fall back into the side of my truck. “Fuck you, Rowan.”

“Benny—”

“No.” He crowds me, his shoes touching mine. “You don’t get to talk.” His gloved hand reaches up and grazes my cheek. I’m oddly glad he actually put gloves on, and it’s a strange thought. “We could have been so happy together. We could have worked it out.”

“My dad?—”

“Shut. Up,” he says, and then his lips slam against mine, and he’s kissing me. My brain goes offline for a moment, and I just wrap my arms around him, letting his warmth sink into my chest as my lips slide against his.

When his tongue begs for entrance, I grant it, letting his tongue slide over mine with a soft whimper falling from his mouth into mine. “Benny,” I breathe. “My Benny.”

“For tonight...” He lets it linger, and I know it’s stupid. That it’ll just hurt more, but I nod and take his hand, leading him into my house. My dad won’t be back, but in this moment, I wouldn’t care if he pulled up right now, I’m not letting him go.

Not tonight.

We go up to my room and strip out of our coats, gloves, shoes, and then all our clothes. I lock my door, still semi-conscious that my dad could come home, but then I’m in bed with Benny.

My bed. We’ve never had this before. I kiss his soft lips, trying to memorize them. We’re both hard and leaking as we grind our bare cocks against each other. “Condom. Do you have a condom?” he asks.

“Shit,” I curse because no, I don’t. “Don’t you?”

He shakes his head. “Didn’t think this was going to happen again.”

It shouldn’t. But I don’t say that. I can’t. I sit back on my knees and try to cool my raging libido as I sit between his parted thighs. I stare at his beautiful chest and stomach, my eyes sliding down to his trimmed pubic hair and his hard cock. “This is so stupid.” I lean down and kiss him softly. “I want to be inside you so bad.”

“I want that too,” he says, wrapping his arms around my neck. “We could still...” he starts, and I pull back enough to look into his eyes, his arms holding me close to him so I can’t pull all the way away.

“You want that?”

“Of course.”

“But...” My voice is strangled, my throat aching with the words. “We aren’t together.”

He flinches at that, the words burning him too. “Feels like we are,” he says with a forced smile. “It won’t mean anything, Rowan. Just...” He leans up, brushing his lips over mine. “I can’t explain it, but I need you. I’ve been tested. I haven’t been with anyone since the first time we were together.”

“It would be safe,” I say, not wanting to admit that he’s the only person I’ve had sex with, but he already knows that.

“I need you inside me.” He kisses me, and I relax into him, my hand seeking out the bottle of lube next to my bed, but I can’t pull my mouth away long enough to look at what I’m doing.

I’m able to pour lube into my hand, enough to prepare him with my fingers and slick my dick with it before I slowly push into him. His back arches into me, his arms still wrapped around me as his mouth devours mine.

I bottom out after a couple of strokes and freeze there, the feeling of only him and nothing between us is almost too great. My heart feels like it’s going to crack into a million pieces because when it’s just us—like this—it’s perfect.

The rest of the world doesn’t exist, and we’re just Benny and Rowan. I move my hand up over his rapidly beating heart, needing to feel it as I stroke into him, my cock pulsating with need. “You feel so good, Benny.”

“Your Benny,” he says as if he needs to hear it.

“My Benny,” I say and lean into him, kissing him deep as I peg his prostate, over and over with deep thrusts into his accepting body. I keep my hand over his heart, and he places his over it as I drive into him.

I don’t want it to end, but all too soon, I can feel that familiar sensation shooting down my spine and furling into my balls, signaling the end. He comes before me, using one hand to jerk his perfect dick until he’s spurting warm cum between us, and I cry out, shooting my release deep inside him.

I hate that I have to let him go. I hate it so damn much, it’s this burning rage deep inside me, and I cling to him even harder instead of releasing him. He’s the one to gently nudge my shoulder, so I roll off him. He goes into my bathroom and comes back with a washcloth, cleaning us both up and then tucks me under my covers.

I’m numb. I can’t seem to move. Frozen in rage and disappointment, but he just kisses my temple, smoothing my hair out of the way. “Sleep, Rowan. Merry Christmas.”

I let out a sad sob but close my eyes, and when I open them again, it’s just me in my room.

Empty and cold without my Benny.