22. Benny

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

benny

I’m in love with him. There’s no denying it. There’s no pushing it away or making it disappear. I love him. Actual love, like I’ve never felt before. I thought I was in love once or twice before, but I wasn’t.

I realize that now. Maybe Mya was right, and I was in love with love. Wanting what my parents have so badly that I was trying to make the pieces fit, but this isn’t that. Not at all. This is too real.

It’s not forced. It’s not puppy love or trying to make it something it’s not. It just is. As simple as that. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have him—the thought so painful, I can’t even think about it.

I lie with my head on his chest, over his heart, in the barn. We came to my house after practice, had dinner with my parents, and then did chores before our passion was unable to be contained any longer.

He started behind me, pushing into me over and over until my legs were shaking, and I nearly came, but before I could, he pulled out and pushed me down on my back before entering me while kissing the hell out of my lips.

We came at nearly the same time and haven’t bothered to clean up. He got rid of the condom, but that’s the extent of it. We’re both still naked and disheveled, my cum sticking to us both, but we haven’t moved.

I know today in the locker room was dangerous, way too risky. But I couldn’t tell him no, even though I knew it would destroy us if we were discovered. I wouldn’t mind at all—that’s the truth. I want to scream from the rooftops that he’s mine, and I’m his, and we’re in love, but I know he’s not ready for that yet.

He may never be ready.

And still—I couldn’t stop it because I want him. All the time. I need him. If he wanted to fuck me in the crowded hallway with everyone around, I’d let him at this point.

“What are you thinking about?” he asks, his arm wrapped around me, and he kisses the top of my head.

I laugh. “Um... you fucking me at school in the crowded hallway,” I answer honestly.

He snorts an amused laugh. “That’s . . . interesting.”

I grin and tip my head, so I’m looking up at him. “Can’t help my crazy thoughts sometimes.”

“I like that about you. You’re a dreamer.” He squeezes me a little tighter to him. “I’m sorry about today. It was reckless.”

“I loved it,” I say honestly and rest my head on his chest again, trailing my fingers over his happy trail down to his trimmed dark pubes. I watch as his dick starts to plump up.

“I did too.”

I want to tell him how much I love him and how he can blow me anytime he wants, but I refrain from that at least and instead blurt out, “I think I’m bi.”

I can feel the questioning/amused grin he’s sporting, but I don’t look up at him. “Okay.”

“I mean, girls are hot. I like boobs a lot. Like, a lot.”

“I get it,” he says with a quick laugh.

“But...” I wrap my hand around his cock that’s almost fully hard again and stroke him. “I’m obsessed with this dick. I can’t get enough.”

His voice is breathy now, light and airy. “I’m okay with that too.”

“But it’s more than that,” I say, releasing his dick and turning so I can see his face. “This thing with you.” Oh Benny, be careful. You should probably shut up now . I do not take my own advice. “It’s different.”

His body is rigid, and I know I’m making him nervous. I should pull it back. “It’s just new, Benny. That’s all. It’s the high of a new relationship.”

I like that he’s calling it a relationship now, but I still frown because I know he knows that’s not it, and he’s trying to make excuses. “Have you ever felt this way before?” I challenge him because there’s no denying he’s feeling it too. My hand rests over his heart, and it’s thundering inside his chest. His eyes are shining with love, even if he won’t admit it.

He doesn’t tell me to shut up or push me away. His thumb brushes over my bottom lip, and he says, “No.” I’m about to point out that I haven’t either, but then he goes on, “But I’ve never allowed myself this before, Benny. Even if I thought a guy was good-looking. I ignored it and pushed it away. Told myself it was a fluke. I didn’t let myself get close to anyone, so this is all really new for me too.”

I’m frowning now, not liking anything about that sentence. Not that he had to hide his attraction to guys and not that he was attracted to anyone else. “You thought other guys were hot before me?”

He lets out a burst of laughter, shaking his head at me as he flicks my shoulder. “Seriously, you’re jealous?”

“I’m not jealous,” I pout. I totally am.

He laughs and hugs my body back to his. “Stop. I’m just saying it’s new to me too. All of this. And no, I’ve never felt like this before, but maybe it’s because I never allowed myself to have it.” I look at him, dead in the eyes, glaring because he’s lying. He knows that’s not the case. His lips thin in annoyance, and he shakes his head. “No. I’ve never felt like this before, and no, it’s not because I never had the chance or because it’s new. It’s you, Benny, okay?”

I’m beaming now. I can’t help it. “Was that so hard to say?”

“You have no idea,” he says all too seriously, and my heart cracks because I know that part is true. He can try to blame the feelings we’re having on newness or him being repressed for so long, but he can’t deny it. It’s very real, and he’s terrified of it.

So am I.

“I think it could be okay someday, Rowan. I really do. My parents...”

“Your parents what?” He stiffens, all the playfulness gone, and the tension is back. Fear. Deep-seated fear shines in his eyes. “Did you tell them?”

“No,” I say instantly and also keep to myself that I’m pretty sure they know. “I was just going to say I think they’d be totally fine with it. Happy even. They really do like you.”

He doesn’t seem to relax. “They can’t know, Benny.” My hopes are starting to wane with the seriousness of his tone. Maybe it won’t be okay.

“I know that, Rowan.”

“Do you?” he challenges, his eyes shooting fire. “Because I know you love your parents, and I know they love you, but the town—” He swallows hard, like he’s in pain. “My dad.” He shakes his head. “It won’t be okay.”

“Colt and Dallas?—”

“Don’t live here,” he cuts me off. “They live out in the country in Kensley. They still have to hide. Don’t you dare tell me it’s easy for them.”

My gut turns, I know they still have to deal with assholes, but they’re happy. I sit up and run my fingers through my hair. “It doesn’t have to be easy, but we could be okay... I mean after high school.”

“You plan to move?” He sits up too, facing me.

“What? No. I plan to build a house out here and help my parents.”

“Exactly,” he says like he’s proven some sort of point.

“Exactly what?” He’s pissing me off now. I can’t help it. I don’t like to be angry, but why is he fighting this so hard?

“You plan to live in Big Bend. To go to all the community dinners and fundraisers. Carnivals and festivals. You want to be part of this place. You can’t do that if...”

“If what? If I bring the man I love along?”

He sucks in a sharp gasp and looks pale. Not exactly the expression you want when you declare love to someone. “Don’t say that.”

I roll my eyes at him, full-on angry now. “Right. Because not saying it makes it so it’s not real, right?”

He glares at me but doesn’t say anything. I huff and stand up, finding my jeans and tugging them on.

He does the same, and we stand a foot away from each other. “What do you want from me, Benny? You want to move in together on the outskirts of town? Hide away? Say goodbye to my father, who’s the only blood I have left? Never go into town unless I want to risk getting my ass beat or all the goddamn looks and comments? Give up all my friends because I don’t want to be teased about taking it up the ass?”

I wince at that, hating that’s how he sees us coming out. “It wouldn’t be like that,” I try to argue, tears welling in my eyes, and I hate it.

“It would,” he says, gripping my face with his big hand. “Benny, I love that you’re an optimist—pure sunshine. I love the way you see the world, but it scares me because it’s not always like that.”

“I’m not as naive as you think I am,” I bite out, a tear slipping down my cheek.

“I’ve never wanted anything more than I want you.” He wipes at the tear with his thumb, and I lean into his touch. “But I can’t give up my dad. I just...” He sighs softly. “I can’t.”

I nod in understanding. He lost his mom at such a young age. His dad is all he has left. I understand. I really do. I kiss his lips softly and sigh into his mouth when he kisses me back.

It sucks. This whole thing sucks, but he’s not letting me go.

Not yet anyway.