23. Rowan

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

rowan

“Benny!” I messed up. I was distracted, and I missed the block. Some big Kensley asshole rammed into me, and then another one took Benny down. I rush toward him where he’s lying unmoving on the field.

It’s a cold, rainy away game, and I got distracted. We sat together on the bus, and despite the night in his barn, where we finally sort of had it out, when he basically told me he loved me, and I scolded him like a child, we’ve been basically inseparable since.

I love him too, but I couldn’t say it. I’m too afraid. Still, Benny has shown me, even though he hasn’t said it again in the two weeks since. On the bus, he promised pleasure after the game, celebrating kicking Kensley’s asses tonight, and I was thinking about all the things I wanted to do to him instead of concentrating and blocking for him.

“Benny.” I reach him, dropping to my knees on the wet ground. Lots of players are surrounding us, and Coach comes over, kneeling next to him too.

“Benny. You okay? Wake up, son.” I’m holding my breath as Coach tries to rouse him. My heart is pounding in my chest so hard, I can feel it in my ears, and I feel like I might pass out.

Benny gasps and tries to sit up, but Coach stops him. “Lie still for a minute, kid. I think you got the wind knocked out of you.”

He doesn’t yell at me for missing the block, and I want him to. I want to feel his wrath because I deserve it. “Benny,” I say brokenly, and he turns his head, his eyes searching me out.

“I’m okay,” he croaks.

There’s some relief in my chest, but not much because he still hasn’t moved much. I want to hold him in my arms and know he’s okay, but I’m vaguely aware of all the people around us. In the back of my mind, I know that wouldn’t be safe. His parents are here. My dad is probably here too. “Are you sure?”

He nods, and then with Coach’s help, he stands up slowly. I swear you can hear the crowd take a collective breath as he stands on his feet and looks out at them, waving his okay . The crowd cheers loudly, knowing he’s okay, but I still don’t fully believe he is. Him being on the ground, unmoving like that—Jesus Christ, I’ve never been more afraid in my entire life.

The game goes on, and we end up losing, but I don’t care about that or anything else. After the game, we all shower, and Benny and I head out to the parking lot, where I tell him to follow me. He doesn’t argue and follows me out to what has become our spot—the place I first took him fully.

As soon as we park our trucks, I rush over to him. He climbs out, and I press him against his truck and kiss the hell out of his cold lips.

“Rowan... I’m okay,” he says, clutching my coat in his fists.

“I was so scared,” I admit. I kiss him hard, not letting up. Needing proof of life. I couldn’t think on the field when I saw he was down. I needed to be near him. I needed to touch him and know he was okay. There were so many people around us, but I didn’t care, and now, I feel this desperate clawing inside me to believe that he really is okay.

“I know, but I just got the air knocked out of me. I’m okay,” he repeats and kisses me back, his lips all over mine, as if to reassure me.

I shake my head because I don’t feel better. I continue to kiss him softly and then kiss his cheeks and his neck. I grip the back of his neck and his hair, running my fingers through his curly strands. “So scared,” I say through chattering teeth—from the cold or from fear, I’m not even sure. It’s still misting outside and cold enough, I’m sure it’ll turn into snow, but I can’t let him go yet.

“It’s not the first time I got the wind knocked out of me, Rowan. I’m fine. I’m tougher than I look.”

“My Benny,” I say and kiss him, realizing tears are falling down my cheeks but not caring. All that matters is that he’s okay.

“Hey, look at me,” he says as he pulls me back enough to look into my eyes. “I’m okay.”

I nod slowly, looking into his sure eyes. “I can’t lose you,” I say honestly, the desperation back in full force, and I realize it’s not just about him getting hurt. It’s not being able to hold him when he’s hurt if we’re in public.

It’s not fair. I’d have given anything to truly not care and just be able to hold him out on that field. Claim him as my own. “Let’s go to the barn, okay? It’s too cold out here.”

I nod but don’t move. I just hold onto him, and he lets me. Is this what it’s going to feel like when I have to really let him go?

After freezing our asses off for probably way too long, Benny finally convinced me to go with him to the barn. It wasn’t much warmer, but at least it wasn’t misting on our heads, and sinking into his warm body definitely warmed us both up. So much so, after we both came, we didn’t even bother getting dressed and fell asleep in the pile of itchy hay with his head on my chest.

And that’s the last thing I remember before I hear, “Benny? Are you in—oh, shit.”

I jolt upright, jostling a sleepy Benny as I look toward the front of the barn and see Benny’s dad standing there, trying to look away from the scene before him and looking like he’s going to bolt.

“Dad?” I hear Benny’s groggy voice next to me as he sits up. We’re both totally naked. His cum is still on my stomach. There’s no explaining this away.

“Sorry about that, Benny. Your mom was worried because you hadn’t come down for breakfast.” His dad is looking up at the barn ceiling now, rambling and saying more words than I think he’s said the whole time I’ve known him. “So I went to check on you, and you weren’t in your room. I, uh... I didn’t see anything. Don’t worry. No big deal. This is all cool. Cool. Cool. Cool.”

I think he actually whistles, and I think my heart just stopped beating. His dad knows. For sure. There’s no plausible deniability now. He knows.

“I’ll, um, tell your mom you’re fine. Good even.” He laughs awkwardly and starts out of the barn backward. It would be funny if my whole world wasn’t crumbling right now. Benny hasn’t made a sound, totally frozen in shock. The barn door closes, and we’re left totally alone.

I rush to my feet and start grabbing clothes, pulling them on, my body in total panic mode. Benny climbs up slowly, like he’s afraid to startle me. Too late. I’m completely and totally startled.

He pulls on his jeans slowly as I finish getting dressed. “My dad won’t say anything, Rowan.”

“It doesn’t matter,” I say frantically. “He’s going to tell your mother, who’ll eventually tell one of her friends, and it will be all over town.”

He shakes his head slowly from side to side. “He won’t. I know my dad. He knows not to say anything.”

“He doesn’t keep anything from your mom,” I snap. “We both know that.”

“She won’t say anything either.” He looks distraught, but I can’t think about that right now.

“No.” I shake my head over and over. “I can’t believe this is happening. I knew I needed to stay away from you. That you would wreck my entire world.” Why did I let everything get so out of control? I’ve always been so careful. I was so good at hiding this part of me, and then Benny comes along and shakes everything up.

He looks hurt but not all that surprised. “But you didn’t.”

“No,” I say bitterly. “You wore me down. Proud of yourself now, Benny?” It’s cruel, and I shouldn’t have said it, but I can’t believe I was this stupid. This careless.

“I am, actually,” he says, stepping into me. “I’m proud that I went after what I wanted, Rowan. And I want you.” He reaches for my hand, and I yank it away. I don’t miss the pain that slides through his face, but I don’t apologize. I can’t. I have to get out of here and clear my head. I have to get away from him.

I should have stopped this a long time ago, and I didn’t. The locker room. Last night on the football field. Anyone could have picked up on what was going on. Stupid. Just plain stupid.

“Don’t,” I say, shaking my head and stepping back. My knees feel like they’re going to buckle. “We have to stop this.”

“No,” he says instantly and firmly, stepping into me again. But he doesn’t touch me. “I’m not going to let you do this. You’re not running from this. From us.”

“There is no us,” I snap angrily. “I was horny, okay? A gay kid in a bigoted town who finally had an opportunity to get laid,” I spout bullshit. Total, untrue bullshit.

“Bullshit.” And of course he calls me on it. “Don’t lie to me, and don’t lie to yourself. It had nothing to do with that. It wasn’t just sex.”

I laugh coldly, knowing I have to push him away because he’s Benny. He’s stubborn, and I know he won’t let this drop without a fight. So, a fight is what I give him. “It was.” I move closer, my lips going to his ear. “And it was great sex. Really good for my first times fucking a guy. Maybe it’ll carry me through the next few years even.”

“Don’t,” he says through clenched teeth, but he doesn’t push me away.

“I’m serious. I don’t think I’ll ever find a tighter ass or someone who can suck cock quite like you. Excellent jerk-off material.”

He shoves my chest, making me stumble back a little before I catch myself. “You’re such a fucking coward.” I swallow, the bile burning my throat as I do. “You’re scared, and you’re saying shitty things to push me away, but it won’t work.”

“Why are you like this?” I snap angrily, shoving his chest like he did mine. But not quite as hard because I don’t want to hurt him. “Why can’t you just let this be what it was? Just let it be over, and we can go back to...”

“To what?” he demands, tears filling his eyes. “To you pretending you’re not gay? To you taking it out on the world because you don’t think you can be who you really are? That’s not living, Rowan, and you know it.”

“It’s the only way I can live, Benny!” I shout. “I’m not like you. I don’t have parents like yours, and I’m not strong like you. I can’t lose my dad, and I will if...”—I let out a shaky breath—“if he finds out.”

He sniffs and wipes at his eyes as he steps closer to me, his hand resting over my heart. “We can figure this out.”

I cover his hand with mine and shake my head.

Because there’s nothing to figure out. It can’t happen. No matter how positive Benny is, that’s not the way the world works, and our time has run out.