17. Rowan

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

rowan

“Hey, Rowan.” Bianca. Jesus. Why does she still seem interested in me. She’s popular. Like really popular. Not only that, she’s a really cool girl, who any guy would be lucky to date, but that’s not me.

She’s in her shorts and t-shirt, probably heading to cheer practice. “Hey.”

“Relax, Rowan,” she says nicely as she nudges my shoulder. “You’re so not into me, huh?”

I struggle to answer her non-question. What do you say to that?

She waves me off with a laugh. “I get it. I thought I’m hot, you’re hot, and we could be super-hot together , but there was something missing.”

I stiffen at that, my throat threatening to close up. Is this it? Is she going to call me out? Does she know? “I, uh...”

She laughs again, and it sounds kind, but who the hell knows? Maybe she’s pissed off. Maybe I embarrassed her. I don’t know. “Hey, Rowan.” She gets my attention, her pretty eyes on me. “It’s okay. I just wanted to make sure we’re still friends.”

“Friends?” I ask dumbly. I mean, we’ve known each other forever, but I wouldn’t have called us friends before this.

“Yes, dummy. Friends.” She grins. “Just because we don’t have that spark doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. And I’m guessing Benny is kind of a package deal with you.”

She’s teasing, I think, but it still makes me go hot all over, my eyes searching him out. But his last class of the day is on the other side of the school. I won’t run into him until practice. “Why do you think that?”

She snorts playfully. “Um, besides our date where he invited himself along?” I nod, sweat forming on my brow. She just shrugs. “You guys are friends. I like Benny too. I’ve just been thinking about how school is almost over, and I’m going to college. I think I’m gonna miss high school.”

“Why?” I ask her seriously because, while I love football, I think that’s the only thing I’m going to miss.

She shakes her head at me, like I’m missing something. “Because this is our beginning. It’s where we all started.”

“That’s, uh . . .”—I grin—“poetic.”

She laughs and shoves my shoulder. “I just want to know we can hang out when I come home for breaks.”

Well, I’ll be damned. I think she actually is my friend. “Yeah. Of course.”

“Good.” She looks pretty pleased. “And if you want to be kissing friends, I’m always up for that.”

I laugh. “Good to know.” Even though it’s never happening. I may not be able to come out, but I think I’m done pretending to be someone I’m not. I’d rather die alone.

“You ready for Homecoming?” We start walking toward the gym, and my body has finally started to relax as we walk.

“Yeah. I think so.” Even though it’s getting too close to the end of the season for me. Yeah, I know there’s still plenty of games, but I’m not sure it’ll ever be enough. Football was always my escape.

My one pleasure in life.

We reach the gym, and she heads off to her part of the gym, and I head toward the guy’s locker room, my eyes zoning in on blond curls and bright blue eyes—eyes that look way too happy to see me.

Now I do have Benny though. Talk about pleasure.

Of course... that’s coming to an end someday too. Way too soon.

“You all have kicked ass so far this season, and I’m proud to be your coach.” I listen to Coach talk to us during halftime of the Homecoming game and smile because he really is a good coach, and we’re lucky to have him. I’m grateful he put up with my shit at the beginning of the season and didn’t kick me off the team. “But we still have two quarters left. Keep your heads in the game. Don’t let up.”

We’re ahead by two touchdowns, but I’ve seen it turn around fast, and we’re all in agreement that we won’t let up. I look over at Benny, who has his helmet off, his blond curls matted to his head. He’s sweaty and dirty. And sexy as fuck.

It reminds me of last night in his barn. Both of us nearly naked. I sucked his cock into the back of my throat, and even though I gagged, I kept going. Needing to have that with him. All of him inside me. When he came down my throat, he barely gave himself any time to recover before he was maneuvering us so he could get his mouth on my aching cock.

It took an embarrassingly short time before I came with a harsh shout, but I didn’t care. And he didn’t seem to either. He lay with his head on my shoulder for a while after that, and it was hard as hell to get up and go home. I’m quickly losing control of this situation. I’m hyper-fixated on the guy, and I don’t know how I’m going to let him go.

I’m still staring at him with sadness about that, but lust deep in my belly too, thinking about last night and tonight and as many other nights as I can get.

I force my eyes away from him because I can’t get caught ogling him, but goddamn, is he hot. It’s like this dam has broken inside me now. I hid being gay for so long by being loud and over-the-top arrogant. By teasing him and Dallas. And everyone else on the team.

Hiding in plain sight.

But now that I’ve kissed him—that I’ve felt what it’s like to be free, even if only in secret and tucked in safe with him—it’s like I can’t get enough. I don’t want to. But warning bells are going off inside me.

I know I need to end it, but I can’t. I even made plans with him tonight. Instead of going to the dance, we’re skipping it. We don’t have any solid plans, other than driving around together and finding a spot where we can be alone.

I don’t think I need any more of a plan than that anyway.

Coach dismisses us, and we all head back onto the field. Benny puts his helmet back on, and I can’t seem to stop myself from checking it to make sure it’s going to protect him if I somehow fail out here.

His eyes are shining with knowledge, and then he checks mine too. Quickly. So no one else even picks up on anything other than a QB and a guard checking up on each other and getting ready for a play, but it’s so much more than that.

It’s cold tonight, but I barely feel it. Pure adrenaline runs through me as we play and wind up with the win. We celebrate after the final play, and we’re declared the winners. Our last football homecoming in high school.

Man, that’s surreal.

We all head to the locker room, sweaty and dirty. Tired as fuck, but my muscles burn in the best way after playing and running hard. I love that feeling. I’m going to miss it.

“Feeling nostalgic?” Benny asks me as I pull off my jersey.

I just give him a clipped nod, even though I want to tell him all the things I’m thinking. That would definitely gain attention if I all of a sudden start talking about my feelings and shit.

Maybe if we get through this year, we can still find a way to be together. I mean, it feels like all eyes are on us all the time at school and in the locker room. Under a microscope. But after we graduate, and everyone goes on about their lives, maybe it won’t be like that.

I could get my own place, and he could come over...

He’s smiling at me, like he’s reading my thoughts, and knowing him, he probably is. Which makes me blush and turn toward my locker before stripping all the way down for a shower.

If he did start coming over to my house though—someone in town could see. It could get back to my dad, and in a town like this, everyone would still be talking about it. My gut turns as I wash myself, my mood turning sour.

Could I really handle that?

I don’t think so. Even if I wasn’t under my father’s roof anymore—with the town knowing and talking about it—I don’t think I could do it. I’m not like Benny. Not at all. I’m not strong like he is.

I’m in a terrible mood by the time I get dressed, and Vaughn chooses that time to slap his hand on my shoulder joyfully. Way too happy for me. “See you at the dance, man?”

“I’m not going,” I say, grabbing my coat and pulling it on.

“What? Oh, come on. You have to go to the dance.” He goes on, “It’s the last one.”

“There will be plenty,” I say, and I can feel Benny’s eyes on me. I have no doubt that he’s picked up on the fact that I’m no longer riding the high of winning and my mind has gone elsewhere.

“Last fall homecoming man. Plus, there are so many cheerleaders fighting to get to your junk. And let’s face it, you could definitely use some cheerleader ass.”

I flinch at that, knowing it’s normal locker-room talk but hating it. I can feel Benny’s eyes now. Burning a hole in the side of my head and probably Vaughn’s too. “I’m fine.”

He chuckles and grips the back of my neck. “You’re not. You’re a grumpy bastard. You need to get laid, and trust me, there are plenty of willing bodies at that dance. I swear if I hear one more chick swooning over the Rowan Kincaid—the big silent tough guy.” His voice goes up high, and he bats his eyelashes, trying to mimic a girl.

I shove him off me, but I can’t help that my lips have turned up a little in a sort of smile. Vaughn is an okay guy, but I don’t want to go to that dance. My eyes move involuntarily to Benny, and my heart flips in my chest at his lopsided smile.

My Benny.

That’s all I want.