13. Rowan

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

rowan

It’s Homecoming this week, and people are way too excited about it as they push through the hallways, wearing their hats for hat day for the first day of spirit week. As if getting to wear a hat inside school is the best thing ever.

And okay—it is kind of cool, but I’m in a terrible mood. I can’t get the double date out of my mind. I didn’t want to be there at all, and I tensed up every time it felt like Bianca was going to touch me—but then there was Benny. Laughing way too hard at jokes that were not funny and spilling shit to get me off the hook.

It was ridiculous, and I was tense all weekend long, thinking about seeing Bianca today. Worrying about if she was going to call me out on it, but the couple of times I did see her, she just politely nodded and smiled before walking away.

But I wasn’t just tense because of all that—I can’t get Benny out of my head. The resigned way his shoulders drooped and he climbed out of my truck, like he had totally given up.

He didn’t even acknowledge me today at school. Not once. Not one huge Benny smile in my direction or any flirty bullshit. None of it. He looked almost broken today the few times I saw him.

I can’t stand it. Energy is buzzing under my skin as I head into the locker room after school to change for practice. Benny is already at his locker, getting dressed, but his head doesn’t swivel my way for a flirty wink that normally makes me freak the hell out.

Nope. He just remains stoic as he pulls on a clean spandex shirt and gym shorts. It guts me.

I go to my locker to get dressed, but then I hear Curtis’s loud mouth. “Cheer up, Benny. What’s wrong with you?”

I stiffen at that and glance over at Benny, waiting to see what he’s going to say. “Nothing.”

That’s his only response, and my gut clenches. Great, I’ve officially broken the happiest guy in the world. “Is it because you had a shitty date with Kate? What’s that about anyway. The girl is hot as hell, and she said you just blew her off.”

I want to punch Curtis in the face, but Benny just ignores him, which is really strange. He always has a reply. And part of me is internally panicking because why would Kate tell Curtis that—or at least say anything about it loud enough where anyone, including Curtis, would hear it? Did Bianca say the same thing? I hate that I’m sweating right now, my hands starting to shake.

I don’t have much time to dwell on it, though, because of course, Curtis doesn’t care that Benny hasn’t said anything or that he looks broken as all hell, just standing there in the locker room.

“Is it because you’re still stuck on Mya? Because I get that. I still can’t believe you let that one go.”

“Shut the fuck up, Curtis,” comes out of my mouth before I can stop it. Benny looks over at me, clearly surprised, and I flush red, but Curtis just chuckles like the moron he is.

“Aw, does the big bad Rowan have a little crush?” My entire body goes stiff, and I think for a moment my knees are going to buckle and I’m just going to drop. But then Curtis laughs obnoxiously. “Can’t say I blame you. Mya is hot. Those lips.” He looks over at Benny. “Those lips had to have felt so good.”

I realize he wasn’t talking about me having a crush on Benny—which would be ridiculous, by the way—but I still have the urge to punch him in the face. “Don’t talk about her that way,” I say, and I know it makes it seem like he did catch onto something—of me liking Mya or some shit—but I don’t care. Whatever makes him stop talking because the thought of Mya touching Benny—of her lips on him...

I can’t take it.

“Jesus, I didn’t realize you all had a love triangle thing going on. Shit, no wonder you wouldn’t block for him, Kincaid.”

Benny just turns away and sits on the bench to pull on his tennis shoes. I hate the way he’s hunched in on himself.

We all head out to practice, and it’s more of the same. Benny is playing well, but his heart isn’t in it like it usually is. That sparkle he has—that makes it fun to watch him play—it’s gone. And I know it’s all my fault.

After practice, everyone showers, and I take my time rinsing off the grime and dirt from the day, trying like hell to get Benny’s sad eyes out of my head. I shouldn’t care. I can’t care.

But it’s killing me.

Somehow, we’re the last two in the locker room, though I know Coach is around somewhere, probably talking to his staff in the conference room. I watch Benny wrap the white towel around his waist and walk over to his locker, moving slowly but not looking in my direction.

I dry my hair and then wrap my towel around my waist, starting toward my locker but then veering toward him. There’s a magnetic pull that I couldn’t stop even if I tried. We should have this conversation anywhere else, but I can’t wait. It feels like I’m bursting inside, clawing at my own skin.

The need to hear his voice and have him smile at me is too great. I reach him, clearly surprising him as I crowd him back against his locker. I’m not touching him, but I’m only a breath away. “Rowan...”

“What do you want from me, Benny?”

His eyes lock on mine, and I watch his pursed lips, unable to look away from them when his pink tongue darts out to subtly lick over them. My eyes go back up to his sparkling blue ones just as he says, “You know what I want.”

A kiss. Maybe it won’t be good. His ridiculous words ring through my head because I know without a doubt it would be so much more than good. It’s not possible for it not to be. The way I feel when he touches me—when I touch him—it would be devastating.

“I can’t,” I say weakly, and he doesn’t move a muscle. He just stares at me. At my face. Like he can’t decipher my brain and figure out what the hell is wrong with me. How could he?

I can’t even really explain it. I’m built like a truck—always been bigger for my age. I’m strong and tough, but I am absolutely terrified of the thought of kissing him. Because I know I couldn’t come back from it.

It would change everything.

“What are you so afraid of?” he asks quietly—too quietly. The normal fire that burns in his words isn’t there. He’s being cautious.

“Everything,” I answer him honestly. But then I can’t stop staring into his eyes—so full of curiosity and trust. Lust. Want. I swallow hard, my hands itching to touch him, but I know how wrong it would be.

Anyone could come in, and just us standing this close to one another is suspicious enough. But I can’t stop myself from reaching for the back of his neck, my fingers curling around his nape, his soft, wet curls touching my fingertips.

He lets out a small whimper, his eyes locked on mine as I stare into his, fighting with myself. Completely at war with himself. This is a terrible idea. His plump lips part slightly, but he doesn’t make a sound. He doesn’t move. He just holds us there.

He’s too beautiful for words. His high cheekbones and shining blue eyes. His straight nose and full pink lips. I want to taste him. My heart nearly beats out of my chest as I hold onto the back of his neck and move my body closer to his.

He’s just watching me, his lips parted on slow, heavy breaths. I lick my lips and watch as his eyes track the motion before they meet my gaze. There’s hunger and need there, but there’s something else—nerves? Fear? That’s not my Benny.

My. Benny.

I almost shake my head at that, but when I look at him, that’s exactly what I see. Mine.

I can’t take it any longer, I lean into him, my free hand resting over his bare chest and I can feel his heart beating under my palm. I drag my lips over his briefly. It’s so light, the touch, but his soft gasp sends a shockwave through me all the same. He doesn’t move, and I can feel his heart thundering inside him under his warm, firm skin.

“Benny,” I barely breathe against his lips. I press forward, and this kiss is a little firmer, the spark undeniable. When his lips move against mine, it’s tentative. Searching. Like he’s not sure what to do, even though I know he’s kissed plenty of girls.

I feel one of his hands sliding up over my back as he pulls me into him, and when my tongue licks over the seam of his lips, he opens for me instantly. He lets me in, and I take full advantage. I lick into his mouth and groan at his taste. My tongue slides over his, and he sucks on it before I pull back a little, and his mouth is feasting on mine.

I’ve never felt this way before, like I can’t get enough. Desperation claws at me, begging me to not let him go. I grip his neck tighter, and his other hand moves to my back, holding me to him like he feels it too.

“Benny,” I say in between feasting on his sweet lips, my hips punching forward as my hard cock grazes his through our towels. He whimpers again, his nails digging into my back.

“Rowan.” My name on his lips is a desperate plea, and I know what he wants, but reality starts to set in as I slow our kiss, unable to fully pull away.

“We can’t do this here. It’s too dangerous,” I say and then kiss his lips again, unwilling to pull away from him.

He nods his head, his nose dragging against mine before he places a sweet kiss on my lips and then rests his forehead on mine. “Come home with me.”

“I can’t,” I say as a reflex.

“You always say you can’t, Rowan, but trust me on this...” One of his hands brushes over my cheek while the other remains on my back, and our foreheads stay pressed together. “You very much can. Let me take away the worry for a little bit.”

I want to laugh at that, but I don’t because I don’t want him to think I’m being cruel. Life in itself has been so cruel to me, and I can’t imagine ever not worrying. “Benny.”

“I like when you say my name like that,” he says, his voice a breathy, sexy lilt as he kisses me softly. “It’s just dinner. My mom is making pot roast. It’s delicious. You’ll love it.”

I smile and find myself nodding as I reluctantly pull away from him. His eyes light up, though, at my motion, and my heart does this fluttering thing because Benny’s smile is back.

The drive to Benny’s house seems ridiculously long, and I know it’s because I already can’t wait to be alone with him again. Even though I know his parents are home, and I doubt we’ll actually be alone.

I know this is dangerous. But just like I knew it would happen, one kiss and I already feel hooked. I want to do it again and again, which isn’t really fair to Benny. There’s no real future for us. I’m not going to suddenly tell the world I’m with a guy, and I don’t know what the future holds for me after high school.

I’m not made for college, so I’m sure I’ll follow my dad and go into the oilfield. It’s kind of the norm around here—that, and landscaping or farming. It’s just the way it is.

But maybe we can get this out of our systems. Benny will for sure get bored. I’ve watched him do it over and over again through the years. It’s like the guy is searching for something—like he seems to love the beginning of the chase. When he has a new girlfriend, they always make me sick to death with the public displays of affection all over the school and at every party. Which will absolutely not be happening with us.

So if he doesn’t have that part, maybe it’ll fade even faster than it normally does for him.

I park my truck next to Benny’s, and he’s out of his and over to my door before I even turn off the ignition. He looks so happy, and yup—I’ve seen that look on his face before. The start of a relationship, even though that’s not what I can call this.

I try to even out my breathing as I climb out and walk up to his front door with him. He busts in happily, “Mom! I brought a friend to dinner.”

His mom appears and offers me a sweet smile. “Well, Rowan, it’s good to see you again.”

I try not to let her kind words cut through me. I’m not used to this at all. His dad comes in a moment later and shakes my hand. “All right, son, you brought help for after dinner!”

Benny just laughs as his parents chuckle and head into the kitchen. “What the fuck, Benny?” I say it way too amused and not at all annoyed.

He just shrugs and motions for me to follow him into the kitchen. “Didn’t you know that was my plan all along? Had to get some help with those chores.”

His dad chuckles and nods at me, suggesting without words that I take a seat, which I do. Benny sits down next to me, and his mom puts a plate full of pot roast, mashed potatoes, carrots and what looks like a homemade roll down in front of me. I look over at Benny. “How are you so skinny?”

Benny chuckles and thanks his mom when she puts a plate down in front of him too. “I’m not skinny. I’m buff,” he says, flexing his bicep in front of us all. His dad teases him, but my eyes are glued to the sinewy muscle and popping veins for entirely too long. I barely got to touch him when we were kissing, and I regret the hell out of that. I want to feel every muscle and every bit of his soft skin. I clear my throat before I force myself to look away and look at my plate. “But chores.”

I look at him dumbly, having forgotten what we were talking about. “What?”

He gives me a knowing smirk. “Chores work off a lot of calories.”

“Oh hush, I added a vegetable,” his mom says as she sits down with her own plate. Benny just chuckles, teasing her with his guess of how many calories he’s consuming with her dinners.

My heart sinks slightly, thinking about the life I could have had if my mother had lived, but I do my best to force that away and manage fairly light conversations with the McBride family before I say my goodbyes and head out to the barn with Benny.

He assures his father before we head out that we won’t need his help, and when we make it inside the barn, Benny wastes no time pushing me up against the wall and kissing the hell out of me.

His tentativeness from earlier is gone, and he feeds on my mouth. I struggle to keep up with him as his hands move all over my chest and up to my neck, through my hair. His lips move over mine with elegant grace and fierce determination. My dick is scraping against my jeans, and I want more than anything to free it, but I’m not ready for that yet.

My brain is struggling to catch up to my body here because it feels so good, but it’s almost like I can’t believe that it’s happening. Like it’s a dream. Benny’s kisses slow, and he’s panting as his forehead rests against mine. “Sorry. I couldn’t stop thinking about it all through dinner. I had to kiss you again.”

“What are we doing, Benny?” I ask softly, keeping my tone calm.

“Whatever we want.” He says it so simply, I kind of want to shake him a little bit. This isn’t reality.

“Benny . . .”

He kisses me softly and shakes his head. “Don’t. Don’t ruin this. I know it isn’t easy. I know it’s kind of messed up right now, but don’t give up just yet, okay? Kisses like that...”—he pauses for a moment and shakes his head, wearing a goofy grin—“they don’t happen every day.”

I want to argue with him—bring up his girlfriends—probably would be good to start a fight. I should push him away, but I don’t. I give in and kiss him again, holding his body close to mine as I kiss him hard and claiming. I want so badly for this to be our reality.

Even though I don’t know exactly what this thing is between us, I still desperately want it to be real.