14. Its Not Your Fault

It's Not Your Fault

Ever since the cows left a few months ago, Hadley made it a point to stop in a few times a week to visit Dorothy before taking Snow White for a ride. She felt obligated at first, but after several months it became her favorite routine. Twice a week turned to daily as obligation turned to easy contentment. There was always a glass of sweet tea waiting for her – hot cocoa now that it was winter – along with cookies or biscuits baking in the oven. She knew Dorothy looked forward to their time together just as much as she did. While her happiest moments were still on the back of Snow White, her conversations with Dorothy were a close second.

Today, however, was different. The air felt stripped of joy, as Hadley's thoughts were rattled from the rough night she just had. Instead of walking into Dorothy's place, as she normally would, excited to share memories of her mom, or a summary of what she was reading, she entered feeling disheveled. She did her best to keep quiet and appear normal, despite the fear from last night still searing in her gut. She wanted to tell Dorothy what happened, but was afraid Dorothy would side with her dad, seeing the faults that Hadley worked so hard to hide.

"What's wrong, dear?"

"Oh, uhm, nothing." Hadley attempted to hide the storm in her eyes by looking at a suddenly interesting knot in the wooden table. She debated saying more but the words didn't come out.

"Hmm, doesn't look like nothin' to me. You know, dear, it's okay to have a bad day ‘n even more okay to talk ‘bout it." She fixed her eyes on Hadley.

Hadley didn't feel pressured to respond, knowing Dorothy wouldn't push the topic. The silence wasn't laced with intimidation or tension, it simply filled the space between them. All the same, the anxiety within her was rising in her throat like a shaken soda. She wanted to talk. Needed to. But what would she say? It was easier to hold it in. How does she explain that her dad was so drunk and angry that she spent half the night hiding. How does she make sure Dorothy knows it isn't her fault her dad gets so angry. That bits and pieces of her resolve kept breaking apart. That her father's outbursts kept causing cracks in her shell. How he never missed an opportunity to remind her that everything wrong in their life was her doing.

All the questions swirling in Hadley's mind led to the dam breaking. She released a dramatic breath, unable to hold it in any longer. She tried to wipe at the stream of tears, but it only made her cry harder.

"Oh, Hadley," Dorothy whispered. "I'm so sorry. Come here." She motioned for Hadley to come to her, wanting to hold her but she was glued to her seat. Eventually Dorothy rounded the table and knelt next to her chair, placing a hand on her shaking arm. "It's okay to feel this way." Her voice was gentle.

Hadley lifted her eyes to meet Dorothy's. She sniffled and wiped her cheeks. "I'm so embarrassed. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cry," she mumbled.

"You should never apologize for having feelings, dear."

"I know, but I didn't mean to bother you with it."

"Never been a bother before. What's goin' on, dear?"

She took a slow deep breath in and after holding it for a moment, she forced herself to exhale. After a few more deep breaths, she felt a little better. She looked over to see Dorothy had set a box of tissues on the table and was heating up milk to make her cocoa. It was exactly the comfort that she needed. A few minutes later, Dorothy set a mug of peppermint tea on her side of the table before placing a steaming cup of cocoa in front of Hadley. Hadley, wiping her nose with a tissue, smiled when she saw the mini marshmallows floating in her mug. "Thank you."

A few minutes passed before either spoke again. They sat in their normal seats, both blowing and sipping on their hot drinks, despite the unusually warm March weather.

"My dad drinks," Hadley blurted.

"I see…"

"A lot, I mean. He gets drunk all the time." Hadley squeezed her eyes shut.

"How's his mood when he's drunk, dear?" Dorothy treaded lightly.

Hadley slowly opened her eyes but fixated on the floating marshmallows. "That's the thing. Um, so my mom and her friends used to drink, and they would dance around, and joke and it was so fun. My dad… it's… different when he drinks." Hadley considered her words as she spoke, not wanting to paint the wrong picture. She glanced at Dorothy, who looked like she was about to respond, and decided to add one more thought. "I think he can just get a little annoyed if I'm bothering him or haven't done something that he was wanting me to do. It's actually no big deal. I'm being dramatic." Hadley choked out an unconvincing laugh, which did little to move the concerned line of Dorothy's mouth.

She watched Dorothy take a slow sip before responding. "It's not your fault, dear."

Hadley looked up, unconvinced.

"It's not your fault."

"But my dad tells me it is. He says I cause a lot of stress and that's why he drinks. Sometimes I'm supposed to do a chore and forget to or don't get to it fast enough. That really makes him upset." And sometimes I think he's going to hurt me. She looks at Dorothy, desperately wanting to say more. But she knew if Dorothy saw the overflowing laundry or dishes in the sink, she'd only agree with her dad.

"Him drinkin' is on him. That's not on you."

"I guess…"

"Does he know how upset you get when he drinks?"

"No, I don't think so. I spend a lot of time in my bedroom, so I don't bother him."

"You should talk to him, dear. Maybe you can catch him before he starts drinkin' and talk to him then."

"I don't know…"

"I know it's scary, but it'll help if you talk to him. He shouldn't be treatin' you that way, dear. You're all he has left, and I bet that's hard, but it sounds like he's not dealin' with life so well. You need to know that's not on you. You don't deserve to be upset or feel this way."

"Maybe…"

Hadley's words hung in the air a minute before Dorothy pressed for more. "How long has this been goin' on, dear?"

"Ever since my mom died. I guess he drank before, but I never noticed because everything always felt happy and easy with mom around." A fresh tear fell. "It's gotten worse though. My dad, I mean. Last night he got real mad at me. I didn't mean to do anything wrong… but yeah, he was mad and stumbling around… and anyway, I am just more upset today than I thought I'd be." Hadley's eyes fell to the table.

"What happened?"

Hadley fidgeted with her fingers while debating her next words. "I was supposed to wash the dishes… and, well, I did," she explained quietly. "But my dad wasn't home, so I left them in the drying rack so that I could watch some television." Hadley swallowed the dry knot in her thought. "I usually stay upstairs when my dad is home, so it's fun to spend time on the couch. Anyway, I forgot to get up and put the dishes away before my dad got home. When he went into the kitchen to grab a tumbler, he tripped into the drying rack, and it caused a plate to fall out and break. He got really mad, and I know I was wrong so, you know, he reacted." Residual fear clouded Hadley's vision as she chewed on her lip.

"Sweetheart, you know accidents happen, right? A plate breakin' ain't your fault."

"It was my fault. I left the dishes out."

"Unless you took that plate and smashed it yourself, it wasn't your fault."

Hadley looked at Dorothy but didn't respond. She wasn't sure what to say. She knew it was her fault.

"You said your dad reacted. How, dear?"

A nervous heat crept up Hadley's neck. "It was nothing, really. I don't know why I'm being so dramatic about it. I ruined our tea time…"

"I reckon you're not bein' dramatic at all ‘n nothin's been ruined. So keep talkin'."

Ringing her hands, Hadley took a deep breath and continued. "Well, he was reaching for a glass but stumbled and the plate fell and broke. It didn't completely shatter but it broke in half kinda. Anyway, I heard the noise and hurried into the kitchen to apologize. I knew right away what happened. My dad was so mad. He spun around to face me with half of the plate in his hand and threw it at the wall by me. Or I think it was meant for the wall… It shattered when it hit the wall and that only made him angrier. I panicked and ran. I got to my room and shut my door and stayed there all night. I don't think he ever came up the stairs after me, but he was yelling for a while. I eventually fell asleep against the door. And, um, when I woke up the next day and went downstairs the plate pieces were still there. I cleaned it up so it's fine now. I think he will be okay when he gets home, he usually acts like nothing happened. But I don't know. Things have broken before but he's never thrown something like that."

"That does sound scary."

They sat in a shared silence. Dorothy extended her arms across the table, resting her hands on top of Hadley's. Hadley wanted to withdraw but stayed still. She sat there, enveloped in sadness, and allowed Dorothy's warmth to comfort her.

After a few minutes, Dorothy continued. "You can always come to me, and I will be here to listen. Maybe you could catch your father before he drinks and get him talkin'. Maybe that could help. I'm sorry I don't have better answers." Dorothy smiled, but it fell short.

"Thank you. I'm sorry I got upset. I just have to do better at home…"

"There's nothin better to do, Hadley." Dorothy grabbed her hands and gave them a small shake. "You are a great young girl. You work hard. You're smart. You're caring. You are everything you need to be. Your father's drinking, grief or not, that's on him. His demons should only be his. I hope he finds his peace but please remember, none of this is your fault."

Hadley nodded with a small smile as she wiped at a few rogue tears. She wanted to believe Dorothy, but it felt too easy. When she saw the clouds behind Dorothy's eyes, she knew even Dorothy wasn't convinced. "I think I'm gonna go find Snow White, if that's okay."

"Of course, dear. She'll be excited to see you."

Hadley got up from her seat at the table and walked toward the door. She paused halfway and turned around. Looking at Dorothy she said, "Thank you for believing me."

"Of course, dear. I believe you but I also believe in you. Remember that."

Hadley smiled as she turned back toward the front door ready to find Snow White.