15. What About Last Night

What About Last Night

After her talk with Dorothy, Hadley decided she would try to talk to her dad about how she's been feeling. She decided she would wake up early, setting her alarm for 5 am, to talk with him before breakfast since she noticed that lately, if he was around, he was drinking by lunchtime. She paced her room and reached for her alarm clock several times, debating if the possible outcomes were worth the attempt. Her mind nagged with doubt but she knew something had to change. She always felt better after talking to Snow White or sitting down with Dorothy, so she hoped a conversation with her dad would be just as helpful. Deep down she knew better, but she had to hope.

Exhausted from the anxious circles she was making, Hadley decided she should get in bed and prepare herself for tomorrow's confrontation. Not confrontation, just a conversation. She squeezed her teddy bear tight to her chest as she tried to fall asleep. The harder she tried, the more awake she became. Her mind, and her gut, were swirling. She's never approached her father before and was afraid all she'd do is start a fight. Dorothy seemed so reasonable and understanding when Hadley expressed how she was feeling. She made Hadley question whether things really were her fault.

Hadley grew restless lying in bed. Once she realized she wasn't falling asleep any time soon, she decided to get up and walk off more of her nervous energy. After restarting her laps, she tiptoed to the bathroom where she attempted to rehearse a whispered speech in front of the mirror. She wanted her words to be perfect. Direct but not accusatory. Kind but not soft. She wanted her dad to actually hear what she had to say. She cut off every sentence after the first few words, never satisfied with what was coming out. Nothing in her head sounded right out loud. She eventually gave up and decided tomorrow she would wing it.

***

Hadley was sitting at the kitchen table with a bowl of cereal when her father came down. He looked surprised to see her up so early but didn't immediately acknowledge her. Instead, he moved tiredly toward the coffeemaker. It wasn't until the machine began to percolate, that he turned around. Facing Hadley, he stated, "You're up early."

It wasn't much of an opener, but it was better than silence. Hadley mustered up every ounce of courage in her body and took a deep, slow breath before responding. "Yeah, I was actually hoping to maybe talk to you for a few minutes before you left for work." Hadley wavered and felt small against her dad's gaze. She added a quick, "If you have time."

He stared at Hadley for what felt like eternity. He then turned around and poured himself a cup of coffee. With an audibly annoyed sigh, he turned back and pulled out a chair. "Let's have it then."

Hadley tried to not let his deadpan response affect her. She took one more deep breath in and suddenly the words vomited right out. "I wanted to talk to you about drinking. I mean, not me drinking, obviously… I just mean, your drinking. You drink all the time and you're mean a lot and it's just hard for me." Her eyes bulged and she immediately stared at her bowl of soggy cereal. So much for being subtle.

"Oh, I'm mean now, am I?"

"Sometimes, yeah…"

"I guess it's mean of me to work as hard as I do to pay for all the things around you, like that cereal you seem to find so interesting. It's mean of me to make sure you have ev-ery-thing you need."

"No, of course not." Hadley was losing the conversation quickly and wasn't sure how to turn it around.

"Well, apparently I'm mean. That's what you said, right?"

"Yeah, that's what I said but I don't think you're always mean. Just sometimes you get really mad at me or like last night…"

"What about last night, Hadley?"

She gulped down her racing heart when her dad pushed his chair backward and stood up.

"You, um, you threw that plate, and it really scared me."

"And why did I throw the plate?" He stepped toward her.

"Because I left the dishes in the drying rack."

"Is that where they were supposed to be?" When he bent down to meet her eyes, his stale breath on her face caused her to lean back.

"No. I forgot to put them away."

"Right. So how is you neglecting to do your chores suddenly my fault? I wouldn't have to act so mean if you did the very basic chores you're supposed to be doing." His words were punctuated with growing anger and he placed air quotes around ‘so mean'.

Hadley's cheeks flushed. She had no idea how to make her dad understand how she was feeling. All this conversation was doing was showing her that maybe it is her fault after all.

"I'm sorry about the dishes, dad, but your reaction really scared me."

She watched the disgust wash over his face. "You know, your mother always got the housework done without forgetting. Even when she was sick she didn't forget. And she never complained."

"I know."

"You could stand to be a bit more like her. She'd be disappointed to see how little you do to help around here."

His words speared her in the heart and a few tears broke free. Her body deflated and she was left half her original size. "I'm sorry…"

"Right. Well, until you get your act together I guess you'll have to deal with a mean dad. You get what you give and right now you're not giving me shit's worth of help."

"I'm sorry."

"Right." He rolled his eyes and walked his coffee cup over to the sink. In deliberately slow speech he added, "I'm putting this cup into the sink. This is your friendly reminder to wash it. Then dry it. Then put. It. Away."

Hadley didn't lift her eyes. She was too ashamed to face her dad. Instead, she let his sarcasm consume her as she tried to shrink in her seat. She stayed still as he walked out of the room, looking up when she noticed he stopped abruptly halfway through the living room. He turned around to face her and make one last point.

"And Hadley?"

"Yeah?"

"You're too young to even understand drinkin' so stay in your lane. Don't you dare accuse me of something you don't understand. I drink to deal with all the shit around here." Hadley nodded. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a job to get to so maybe we can afford to keep having these wonderful family moments." With that he walked out the front door, slamming it shut behind him. Hadley, always on edge, jumped at the noise. She continued to sit at the table staring at her cereal that had turned into an unrecognizable pile of mush. Exactly how she felt.