62. Arik

Islowly blinked. It was still dark out, and I felt groggy as fuck. Usually, I only felt that way if I woke up before my sleep meds wore off. I reached out for Varian, not sure what had woken me.

Panic set in before my fingers found his skin and I could take a full breath. My therapist told me it would get better with time and with Varian showing up, but it wasn't a pleasant way to wake up.

My phone buzzed from somewhere on the floor. That must have been what woke me up. I closed my eyes to ignore it, but then I remembered I had it on Do Not Disturb. I half-leaned out of bed to reel it in by the cord.

It was still ringing.

Kiernan calling

That couldn't be good. I shoved out of bed because I didn't want to wake Varian. No need to freak him out. I closed the door to the bedroom and opened my phone to call him back, but I froze. An alert on my screen caught my eyes.

brEAKING NEWS: Country music legend Victor St. James is dead at the age of…

Fuck.

I called Kiernan back. "I just saw."

"I've been trying to wake you for twenty minutes. I didn't want him to wake up and see it on TMZ."

"No shit. Is that who broke it?" I asked, scrubbing a hand over my mouth.

"Yes."

My heart broke for Varian. His dad was a douche, but it was still a loss. "You've confirmed it. It's not just a hoax?" I asked, remembering how my parents reacted when this had happened to me and what a nightmare it had been.

"John did after he woke me up. But either way, we wanted it to come from you."

"Vallen?" I asked.

"John said he would go tell him, or you can ask Varian if he wants to."

"I'll ask Varian and text you. Thank you." I was about to hang up but said in a rush, "You need to have John call Lindsay. You don't want Nova seeing it online or getting told at school."

She'd left a few days before, after we'd put it off for weeks. She'd begged her mom to change the date every time it came, but finally, Lindsay said she missed her. Probably the best and worst timing. Varian was going to be a wreck, but he'd also need to be there for Nova since Lindsay had gone against his wishes and introduced Nova to Victor.

"You're right. I'll have him do that now."

"Thank you." I hung up the phone, sitting for a full thirty seconds before forcing myself to do this. I didn't need him to wake because I was gone and check his phone, expecting a text from me and finding out that way.

I crawled back into bed, wrapping up around him.

"Baby, what time is it?" he asked in his sleepy voice.

"Five a.m.," I said with no clue how to tell him.

"What's going on?" He must have felt it in my body.

"Your dad died."

He stiffened. "Are you sure?"

"Yes. John confirmed it."

He pressed his face into my chest, gripping onto me. "Has someone told Vallen?"

"No, I told John I'd ask if you wanted to do it or if he should."

"I don't want John to." He took a shuddering breath. "How was it broken? Do I need to wake him up?"

"You need to wake him up. TMZ had it first."

"Typical." He didn't move, and I held him. "I have to get up."

"It's early. He's not usually up this early. You can take a few minutes." I stroked his hair.

"I know, but I don't want to risk it at all." He kissed my chest.

I ordered breakfast when Varian went to tell Val because I knew the room would be full of people before long. I checked TMZ. They'd gotten a hold of a 911 call his girlfriend made.

Varian returned with Vallen. Neither one cried. They sat in silence.

Other people drifted in as they woke up and were told. Fox and Bronx stuck themselves on either side of Vallen and Varian like watchdogs. It was cute.

Serafin played the anxious host, trying to get everyone to eat, offering coffee, weed, and anything else anyone could need. When he broke out the Valium, I laughed.

"I think you missed your calling as a fifties housewife with a travel kit like that."

"I like to be prepared!" Ser grinned.

They canceled the next week of shows. Varian didn't want to, but we all agreed it was best. He didn't need that pressure. Thank fuck I'd talked him into going back to therapy before all of this. He'd have someone to talk to if he needed it.

We flew back to California so Varian could be with Nova.

It was nice to spend some time in a real place that felt like a home.

"You know I'm just renting this place," Varian said while we sat by the pool watching Nova lounge in a floaty, reading one of the graphic novels I'd gotten her into. Now she was obsessed and said she was coming with us to Japan when we played there.

"Are you?"

"Do you want to find a place to buy together when we are finished with the tour?" He cocked his head, looking at me strangely. "Do you even have a house?"

I shook my head. "Why spend the money? I tour so much. When I'm not, I just bounce around and rent. That way I can be in other countries or here or Chicago. Close to a studio."

"Do you want to buy a house together? It would have to be close to Nova's school?—"

I cut him off. "Yes. I don't need the terms and conditions. I'm all in. I know you need to be close to Lindsay, too. We can look in the same neighborhood."

He narrowed his eyes. "Is that so you can kill her in the middle of the night and not be caught since you can walk there and leave your phone at home?"

"Stop watching true crime." I winked. "Not until Nova is eighteen. Don't worry."

Varian laughed and shook his head.

"I'd never do that. But only because it would hurt that little girl, and she has a stranglehold on my heart, just like her father."

He took my hand. "This is really nice. Even if it's for all the wrong reasons."

"What?" I asked, lacing our fingers.

"Downtime. My kid—happy. My boyfriend—happy. Moving in together. My dad is dead. It's everything I ever wanted."

We both laughed.

* * *

Days later, we found out Victor had planned his whole funeral, and his estate had requests.

A whole ten fucking pages, which John had to bring over because they'd faxed it to him.

"Who even still has a fax machine? Why not email it?" Varian flipped through it.

"They said something about having it leaked. I don't know." John handed a copy to Vallen, too.

"Have you read it?" Vallen asked, tossing it on the table. He looked like shit. Sunken eyes, hollow cheeks. Like he hadn't slept or eaten.

"No, I didn't know if you two would want me to." John took a seat.

"I'm sure there is going to be logistical shit in here he wants for his fucking funeral. Fucking self-centered prick. He can't do anything without making it a huge deal." Varian thumbed through it and froze.

"What?" Vallen asked.

"‘Victor St. James asked that both his sons speak at his funeral and has attached notes on his achievements,'" Varian read aloud. "Is he actually fucking kidding me?"

"Why would he be kidding? He probably thinks we both love him still, even after refusing to see him." Vallen dropped his head back. "I can't do it."

Varian was still flipping through the notes. "This is wild. The crap this man believed about himself. I really don't want to say any of this."

My heart sank. If it all fell on Varian, he'd be a wreck. But with how bad Vallen looked, Varian would never make him.

"You know you don't have to, right? You can tell his estate no, that you won't be going."

Varian contemplated. "You think?"

"What are they going to do?"

"PR thinks it would be really bad if you don't go and say something. They said it would make both of you look awful not to go to his funeral,"John said, like a wet blanket.

"Fuck my life." Varian pushed his palms into his eyes. "What day were they thinking?"

"Six days from now," John replied.

"We have to cancel more shows, too?" Varian shook his head. "That bastard will find a way to be a pain in my ass, even in death."

After they left and we got Nova in bed, I made us both some tea. Varian laid his head on my shoulder when I sat next to him.

"I'm worried about my brother." Varian exhaled heavily. "This funeral business is going to make him relapse."

"What can we do?" I asked.

"I don't know. I know I can't make him speak. But even showing up is going to be a lot."

I pulled his legs over mine. "Maybe canceling more dates isn't bad. Does he need to be in treatment?"

"That might be a good idea. I'll talk to him tomorrow." Varian fell into silence again.

"Why are you going to act?" I said to him at length.

"What do you mean?" Varian asked.

"Why show up to your father's funeral and act? They want you to play a part, but you have no fucking obligation to. They asked you to talk about your dad, so tell the world who he really was."

"I like that idea."