60. Arik

We stood in the dressing room, our opening act in the middle of their set. Nova had taken to tour life quickly and had seven new uncles, fully spoiled by all of us and our managers. She hardly spent any time with the nanny since she always wanted to be doing something with one of us.

"Dad! I tuned your guitar. Olivia showed me how." Nova skipped in, holding a guitar that was bigger than she was and quite pricy. No one batted an eye. As rambunctious as she was, she was also quite articulate.

She was an honorary guitar tech, which we told her was like what her mom used to do. She learned how to work the booth and front of house as well, sitting with headphones on with the sound guys to watch the shows more often than in the dressing room.

"Play it. Let me see." Varian crossed the room to stand in front of her expectantly.

She gave him a look. "I don't have an amp. I got to go take it back to Olivia." She walked out with more attitude than a six-year-old should have.

"Your kid's a natural." I laughed. I got up to stretch, listening for a second.

"I have been teaching her to play guitar since she could walk, and Fox started teaching her drums two years ago." He reached for me, and I let him pull me into his arms. "I don't think she's going to want to leave." Varian's love for his daughter made me love him even more, which shouldn't have been possible.

"Would you want to go back to boring life in the Hills when you could be seeing the world?" I wrapped my arms around his middle, drawing him closer.

"No, but look at what I do for a living. Even though I knew inherently it was better, or at least safer, I didn't want to go live with my grandparents. I loved being on tour." He closed his eyes, leaning into me as his arms went around my neck, fingers pushing into my hair.

"It's an opportunity most kids don't get, and we are pretty boring, so we can cater to her." I rubbed my cheek against his.

"Olivia wants to know if you want your Gibson or the ESP for the encore, Dad?" Nova asked.

Varian stepped back quickly, turning to address his kid, clearly flustered. "Um…"

We didn't act differently around Nova, but we'd laid off the PDA while she was awake.

"Why do you always get weird with Arik when I come in?" Nova had her mouth half-open, looking at Varian like he was stupid.

I put a hand over my mouth to not laugh.

"Ummm…" Varian made a face, clearly in parental panic mode.

"I know you love him, like Mommy loves James. You're making it weird." Nova put her hands on her hips.

"James?" Varian's eyebrows raised. "Who's James?"

"Her boyfriend who she doesn't want me to know about," Nova said matter-of-factly.

"Oh, really?" Varian just laughed.

She nodded emphatically.

"So you know I love Arik?"

"Obviously. Everyone knows." Nova sounded exasperated.

I loved this kid. "Everyone?"

"He looks at you with heart-eyes. I watched a whole bunch of YouTube videos about it. I know all about your matching tattoos and all the songs Arik has written about you. It's so romantic." She pulled up her sleeve, showing off a ghost temporary tattoo. "I even got this."

I squeezed my eyes shut, on the verge of losing it. Where had she gotten little ghost tattoos?

"Who the fuck let you watch YouTube without supervision?!" Color crept up Varian's neck.

"I wasn't unsupervised. I was watching them with Uncle Fox. We watch them and laugh." Nova smirked like the evil GIF of the fire-starter girl, and I lost it.

"Big help," Varian said to me.

I shrugged. "I did my fucking best."

Nova held out her hand. "You owe me six dollars."

I almost swore again but cut myself off, pulling out my wallet to give her a ten. "That's four dollars credit for the next one. Don't think I'm tipping you."

"If you remember." Nova turned back to Varian. "Dad, which guitar? Olivia is waiting."

He exhaled, shoving a hand into his hair. "I don't know."

"Do I need to ask Uncle Val?" she asked, sounding annoyed.

"That might be better. I can't remember what he wanted."

Nova stalked out.

I had my hands over my mouth when Varian turned back to me.

"Thanks, dick."

"What did you expect me to do? She's seen the Varik videos! How did you keep it together?" It had never even occurred to me his kid would watch them, but that stuff was all over the internet and had to be such a big part of the lives of kids with celebrity parents. Jesus, the internet was a minefield.

"Clearly, I need to have a talk with my bandmates about what's appropriate for my kid."

I pulled him back into my arms. "She knows you love me. You have heart-eyes."

His cheeks flushed more. "I do have heart-eyes for you."

I brushed our lips together. "I love you."

"I'm glad she knows." He put his arms back around my neck.

I swayed to the distant music. "They are about halfway through their set. Did you do your vocal warmups?"

"Not yet." He tilted his head.

"What?" I said, amusement tinting my voice.

"This feels good."

"Have you ever danced with a man?" I asked.

"No… Not since that night we kinda did. After the rave." Happiness bled into his words.

"It feels good." I kissed the corner of his mouth.

"I agree. It's better than a hug. More comfort and full-body contact."He remained silent for far too long, leaving me in limbo. Finally, he spoke. "I've never danced with anyone before. Not like this." It wasn't what I was expecting him to say.

"Why not? Did you not go to any school dances?" I pulled back enough to look at him.

He pressed his face back into my shoulder, speaking so low I had to strain to hear him. "Not really. By that point, the fame thing got awful, and with my scar…so we went to this tiny private high school. They didn't do any of that." He pressed us. "Did you go to dances?"

"No. I hung out with the stoner kids, and we were too cool to go to any of the dances. The nights we told our parents we were going, we got drunk in a cornfield instead."

"Ah, typical Midwest." Varian laughed. "I like this, with you."

"I like it too." I slipped my fingers under the hem of his shirt, brushing them over his bare skin.

"Don't do that. You're going to make me want to drag you into a bathroom before our set for a quickie like we used to."

I groaned, getting half-hard. Then I had an idea. "Want me to blow you while you do your vocal warmups? I can help you hit those high notes."

"Fuck." He throbbed. "Let me text the nanny to make sure she's keeping track of Nova. Lock the door."

I did as he asked, but when I turned back around, he stared at his phone. "What?"

"Lindsay agreed to make the dual statement. She said she doesn't want to fight any place that Nova will eventually see it or have it get back to her at school. That I'm a good dad and she doesn't want to come between Nova and I, even if she's hurt, and I ‘emotionally cheated' with you our whole relationship." Varian rolled his eyes at the last.

I grabbed his face, kissing him hard. "Holy shit."

"I know." The smile on his face was better than anything else. Varian had backtracked on his one-day deadline, giving her a week to decide on the joint statement, and I was glad he had.

"You deserve this."

"Thank you for saying that." He put his hands over mine. "Not many people get a do-over. I'm really thankful we are getting one."

"We are lucky." I stroked my thumbs over his cheeks.

"As long as we don't fuck it up this time."

I laughed and pulled him closer. "Are you worried about fucking it up?"

"A little, yeah. It's a lot to live up to. A lot I know I have to lose."

"You aren't going to lose me this time," I whispered into his cheek as we swayed to the music again.

"You can't know that." His words trembled.

"No more goodbye notes. So unless you're leaving me, I'm going to be here." I looked into his dark eyes. Steady.

"What if I fuck it up again?"

I took a slow breath, centering my fear to deal with it. "Promise me no matter how bad it gets or how dark either one of us is, we'll figure it out together."

"I promise," he whispered.

"Me too."

"If I fuck up this soft launch thing, will you forgive me?"

"Fuck it up how?"

He brushed our lips, and all I could do was smile. "I'm going to end up kissing you in public."

"Not if I beat you to it." I laughed. "The moment one of us slips, everyone will know. They are going to be all over us even more than they are when you put out that statement."

"You don't think we could get away with denying it while we hang all over each other?" There was a glint of amusement in his eyes.

I shook my head with a smirk. "Just best friends."

"Who live together?" he asked.

My heart stopped. "Is that what you want?"

"I do," he said carefully.

"I want that too." I rubbed our noses together. "Also very normal, straight behavior to live with your best friend."

He nodded, then kissed me again. "Just like this. Also straight behavior."

"Is it?" I asked. "You'll have to show me more of this straight behavior. Just so I can see how I went so gay."

"Don't worry. I'll give you lessons." He tightened his grip on my face, desperate, and I loved every second of it.

"Funny how, after all this, I'm the out one while you're not."

"Right? What a turn that was. I never asked. Did they give you much pushback?" His hand slid around to the nape of my neck.

"They did, and I reminded them they'd had many, many years after I wanted to come out with you to get over it."

"What even made you want to do it?" he asked.

"I was tired of my work being changed. My lyrics and my truth. I don't want to hide anymore."

"Thank you."

"For what?" I asked.

"For giving me hope."

"Huh?" He had me confused.

"The whole album, while it sucked to hear, gave me hope you'd speak to me again. Now, I never could have imagined this, but I would have taken any part of you." He pressed his face into my shoulder, and I squeezed him tighter.

I'd blocked out just how much I'd missed his hands on me and the desperation in it. I still wasn't used to it, and I never wanted to be. "Are you sure you're ready?"

"I've been ready for almost twenty years. I left my heart when I left that note, and I never thought I'd get it back." He paused for a second and looked into my eyes. His dark ones were filled with mixed emotions. "Are you sure you're ready?"

"I'm already out. Not a big change for me. Gender doesn't even matter. I am tired of wishing everyone was you."

He was quiet for a while. "Do you think you'll be worried forever that you'll wake up to me gone?"

"No, I'm going to start handcuffing you to me when we go to bed, so if you ever want to leave, you will have to face me to do it." I grinned.

He stared, mouth open. "You would, too."

"Let's go get you warmed up or you'll be late. If you're quick, I'll let you cum on my face."

We rarely get to see our second chance come through

We make plans and dreams

Wish on stars

But so often we don't get to right those wrongs

Or know who we could really be given that chance

I've lost my dopamine supply

Can you help me out with that?

"I'm going to tell our PR to post it now," Varian said when he got offstage.

"Now?"

"Yes, now. I don't want to keep putting stuff off."

I laughed. "So half the people here will be finding out you're getting divorced while I'm onstage singing about you?"

"Is that okay?"

"Well, I won't be singing Funeral March tonight or any time soon." I flashed all my teeth in an awkward grin.

"Probably for the best," he agreed, laughing.

"Go talk to your kid and then do it."

He kissed me hard. "I'm going."