59. Varian

"Ican't believe you're going back to him."

"You left me. Why are you mad? Do you think I just don't deserve happiness, either?" I loved this argument. I couldn't win with anyone.

"No, because you couldn't give it to me."

"We never should have been together. I've always loved him." I wanted her to get it and just be happy for me.

"Are you saying you regret our child?"she asked, faking horror.

I sighed. "I'd never say that. It has nothing to do with loving her. But you and I don't fit. We can't. I've always loved him."

"You're so stupid. He's just going to break you again, and this time, I won't be there to pick up the pieces." Tears welled up in her eyes.

"I'll take that risk to be happy."

"But you wouldn't with me."A tear rolled down her cheek.

"I tried to make it work for years. We were never happy." There was no winning this. It just went round and round. We'd done it too much. "You deserve to be happy too. You told me that, and I believe it. You have to find someone who returns it. I'm sorry I never could."

She seethed and opened her mouth, but Nova burst in.

"Sorry, I tried to distract her," Arik said.

"Is this going to be my room?" Nova threw her backpack on the bed. "It's smaller than the other."

"Yes, but only for tonight. On tour, we move every night." We'd had a lot of talks about it, but it was new for her.

"Kids just live like this?"

"A lot of them do, yes. Mom stayed there so you could finish second grade, but some kids are homeschooled so they can travel full-time with their parents."

"That sounds exhausting. No thanks." She opened drawers.

I laughed. "We'll see how you feel in a couple of weeks. We have lots of fun stuff planned."

Arik and I had put together a whole list of stuff we could take her to do and then things the nanny could do with her while we were working.

Nova considered that. "Are we going to see Grandpa, too?"

"What?" Both of Lindsay's parents were dead… I turned on Lindsay.

Lindsay put a hand over her mouth. "We promised we weren't going to talk about that yet."

"You told me we don't keep secrets from our parents and anyone who asks us to is bad." Nova looked at Lindsay, playing innocent, but she knew what she was doing. She was way too smart to not.

"Nova, can you go back out into the living room and show the nanny how to use the TV?" I said through my teeth.

"Sure." She pulled the door closed behind her.

As soon as it was shut, Lindsay started talking, not letting me get a word in. "I know you had a really rough childhood because of your father's addiction, but he's been clean for years, V, and he's a really good grandfather."

My blood boiled. It took everything inside me not to tell Arik I changed my mind, to have at Lindsay.

"He loves Nova and dotes on her."

"Do you see my fucking face? That's what happens when he's left alone with a child. Why the fuck would you trust him with ours?"

"I thought—" Lindsay sputtered.

"You thought nothing. You went behind my back thinking you know better about my own fucking father." Our fucking daughter was sitting in the next room, and I could barely contain my tone.

My hands shook, and my world shrank.

Arik stepped between us, facing me. I hadn't even realized he'd stayed in the room. He put his hands on my arms. "Take a breath. You're having a panic attack. You're okay. Nova is okay."

I couldn't inhale. All the oxygen went out of the room.

He took my hand and put it over his chest. "Feel me breathing."

I nodded. It was all I could manage as my vision narrowed.

"Good. Spot a few things you can see. No need to say them out loud. Just say them to yourself." Arik put his other hand on my face. "Now think of things you can smell."

Him. I loved his cologne.

"One thing you can taste." He put his forehead to mine.

I looked into his emerald eyes, his lashes, the crow's feet next to his eyes. The lips I loved so much. I nodded. He stayed there with me until I was breathing normally again.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Lindsay asked.

Arik turned on her. "Don't you fucking dare. After everything you've done to him, you stand here and fucking say you love him and then take his child to see the person who hurt him the most?"

"I didn't know," Lindsay stammered.

"He told you enough. You don't deserve anymore." Arik's tone had a finality.

"I'm putting out a statement about our divorce this weekend. Put it out with me or don't. I don't care." My voice was empty; I didn't have anything left for her. "If you ever take my kid to see my father again, I'll tell everyone the truth about you both."

"You can't do that!"

"I will."

"He's dying, V. I just wanted her to meet him before he died. He begged me."

* * *

Once Nova was asleep, I sank to a seat, too exhausted to keep myself upright any longer. Arik came over and wrapped his arms around me. We sat for a long time without speaking.

"Part of me thinks either Lindsay or my father is lying. The other part of me is happy he'll be out of my life. And I feel like shit for even thinking that. That's not how humans should be."

Arik pressed his nose into my cheek, drawing me further into his arms. "You're allowed to have complicated feelings in relation to your trauma. You're allowed to feel how you feel about your abusers."

I noticed the plural there. "Why do you sound like you're so well-adjusted?"

"Lots of therapy and figuring out my meds. You made me go, remember? It's not perfect, and they could always stop working, but it's helped a lot." His hot breath fanned over my cheek, bringing me comfort.

"What do I do? Do I call him? Do I see him?"

"What do you want to do?" Arik asked.

"Give him the middle finger," I said.

Arik laughed, and I joined him.

"Do you think I'll regret it if I don't see him?" I asked.

"Don't give him more power. Don't act like he's a good person when he wasn't to you. You don't have to honor him or placate him because he donated some DNA." He kissed my scar. "But that all being said, I'm going to support you no matter what you do. This is what will make you and no one else feel good. Not even him. Only consider what you want."

"Thank you."

He slid his fingers between mine, lacing them. "Always. I am on your side."

"And I'm on yours." I breathed him in. "Do you think she'll go for the dual statement?"

"I barely knew her when she was on Warped. I don't know."

"Even if she goes along with it, the second we announce, she could back out or make hints that it wasn't aboveboard." I turned to look into his eyes, wanting something. Reassurance, maybe.

"We are always going to be followed by rumors and gossip. I'm not going to live my life catering to it. But I won't push anything on you. I don't want you to regret this or build resentment. I know you have a kid to think of, so you have to do this differently than I would." Arik was steady.

I needed it, and for the first time, I believed we'd get through this storm together.