58. Varian

As if the world reflected our relationship, spring came. Flowers bloomed. Arik and I felt fragile, but he returned night after night.

I'd never felt so hopeful.

I still couldn't believe he was in my room every morning.

He was on his laptop, glasses on, when I opened my eyes.

"What are you writing?"

He looked up and groaned, closing his laptop. "It should be illegal for you to look that good just lying in bed."

"I have to have something to use against you to get you back in bed with your horrible sleep pattern." I pushed the blanket down to my hips.

"I always come back when you ask." He set his computer aside and crossed the room. "I sleep more than I used to."

He put his knee on the bed and grabbed the sheet, dragging it down, revealing my morning wood. "Look at that. A little gift for me."

"You're a miracle worker, raising the dead." I slipped my arms behind my head.

He laughed. "The real question is, do I want you in my mouth or to be inside you today?"

I grabbed my cock, stroking to make the decision harder. "I never imagined back then you'd be sucking my cock more than I suck yours."

"I have an oral fixation. What can I say?" He threw my hand off, dipping to lick the pre-cum off my tip.

I bucked into his lips. "I will never complain."

Pounding sounded on our door, startling us both.

He threw the blanket over me and got up. "Fan or something else?"

"Haven't they been securing the whole floor because we're sharing a room?"

"Then who the fuck has the audacity?"he said with a growl.

"Answer the fucking door. I know you're awake. I have your journal on fucking alerts." Kiernan yelled from the other side.

"Maybe we should flip the deadbolt and ignore them?" Arik put his hands together in a faux plea.

"What did you write? You didn't answer when I asked."

He tossed me his phone and went to open the door. I pulled my shorts on before reading what he wrote.

Things on my mind:

new tattoos

i think i might be in Love again

How your hair looks draped over my pillow

In all the ways you look at me

the little sounds you Make in your sleep

i'm scared to say it, but maybe this is what happiness feels like

I stared at his phone, getting warm all over. A weight lifted off my chest. I'd been waiting for him to realize what we were doing and pull back.

I left the sleeping area of our suite, which was blocked off by a screen decoration, with a massive smile on my face and found Arik sitting with Kiernan and John. Neither of them looked happy. I could only imagine it was about the post.

"This can't be good." I rubbed one eye with my palm, handing Arik his phone back.

"Want me to make you a coffee?" Arik asked, starting to get up.

"No, I'll make it. You want one?" I didn't offer our managers; I didn't want them here.

"Sure, love." He skimmed his fingers along the inside of my arm before I stepped away. I loved how much he touched me. "Can we help you since you so rudely interrupted our alone time?"

"We'll wait until Varian is done," John said.

I snickered to myself, turning the espresso maker on. It was one of the really nice ones that did everything for you. So I made two lattes and returned to sit next to Arik.

"Thank you, baby." He put his hand on my thigh. His new little possessive gesture. "Go on."

"We want to talk about your image and how we need to go forward with you two—" John began.

Arik held up a hand, cutting him off. "I'm going to stop you there. Respectfully, go fuck yourselves. We done? I'm going to finish this coffee, then go give my boyfriend head."

"Boyfriend?" My chest filled with little bubbles of floating joy.

Arik glanced over. "Objections?"

"None from me." My smile stretched until my scar hurt.

"Excellent. Since those are the only two opinions I care about, this meeting is over," Arik said with finality.

Checkmate.

"We aren't telling you—" Kiernan tried this time.

Arik cut him off, too. "You aren't telling either of us shit. I've heard all this before. You two don't get to fuck with our relationship again. I don't want to hear it's going to hurt album sales. I don't want to hear that I'll lose half of my fans. I've broken every record in the book, and then I went and broke my own records. I have more than enough money and don't spend it. If the fans want to throw tantrums about who I love, I'll retire." He looked over at me. "You cool with all that?"

"I am." I'd never found him sexier.

"See? Same page. I should have fucking done this the last time. I should have just come out and not listened to either one of you." He squeezed my thigh to tell me he wasn't mad at me.

"It's not you we are worried about. What about Dopamine-Fiend?" John asked.

"What about them?" I asked, not sure what he was getting.

"You're married, Varian, and just making a comeback."

My stomach dropped. Lindsay would try to ruin my happiness. How were we in the exact same spot but in reverse? This had to be a cruel joke.

Arik cupped my cheek. "Look at me." I let him turn my face. "Whatever we have to do. I'll kill the bitch if I have to."

John gasped. Kiernan just shook his head.

I nodded and breathed. "Nova can't get hurt by this. I need to protect her. At least she knows we're separated. We've taken her to therapy and all of it."

"I wouldn't want you to do anything less." Arik rested his forehead against mine. "We have this together."

"Get my lawyer on the phone and file my divorce papers," I said, closing my eyes to just be with him.

"I will do that," John said. "But we need to discuss how Arik's journal looks and all the time you spend together. Because the second you file, you two are going to be under a spotlight, and there are already some parts of your fandom that you two just going on tour has inflamed. Especially with Arik recently coming out."

My eyes snapped open, and I searched Arik's face.

He exhaled, then turned on them. "You wanted those parts of the fandom worked up. It was part of your little plan when you decided to put us on tour together again. Don't you fucking try to change the story now. I sat in those meetings while you said it would get the LGBTQIA+ crowd excited after I did what I did on the album. And now you want to retract all that?"

"We didn't say retract. We just think it's better if you two tone it down so Varian doesn't get accused of cheating and leaving his wife for you." John scooted to the edge of his seat, trying to be nice, but I hated both of them at that moment.

Why did I do everything wrong? Why hadn't I just pulled the Band-Aid off with the divorce? I set my coffee aside and put my face in my hands.

Arik put his arm around me. "What does that look like to you?"

"You can't be posting stuff like you're in love or that you're thinking about a shirt you borrowed eighteen years ago. All the ghost stuff, anything tied to the Varik shippers, really."

"So nothing. I always post while I'm on tour." Arik lightly drew patterns on my skin with his fingertips, trying to soothe me, I was sure.

"Maybe it's time to give it up," Kiernan said.

"No. It's my connection to my fans."

"The label isn't giving you a choice. We are trying to be nice about it, but they have too much money invested in this tour and Dopamine-Fiend's come back," John said flatly.

"No."

"You're like the fucking guy who won't quit updating his Tumblr two decades after it died." Kiernan tried again."You don't need it."

"Why do I have twenty million or more weekly readers?" Arik turned his phone around, showing them stats.

"You are entirely keeping that platform still alive!" Kiernan said through his teeth.

"This is what has kept us relevant. People want to know what I'm going through. It's why my readership grows every single week. In the age of fake, people crave real." Arik wasn't going to back down over this. I knew him too well.

"Like I said, they aren't giving you a choice. They will lock you out." John sat back, crossing his arms.

"Fucking try me." He looked at both of them in turn. "You don't get to fucking tell me what I can post. You don't get to fucking tell me what's best for me. And if you try to lock me out of my account, I will make another. If any of you don't like it, you can fucking quit. Tell the label I said the same thing because, in case anyone forgot, I'm out of contract."

I gasped. "Are you serious?"

"Entirely." He looked into my eyes.

"Where do you stand, Varian?"John asked.

My heart jumped to my throat, cutting off my oxygen supply.

I'd spent my entire life making the wrong choice. I wore a scar and lost Arik to prove it. After getting it wrong so often, how did I even trust myself to get it right?

I tore my gaze away from John, looking at Arik. "The label isn't going to do shit with the threat of losing their biggest band. We all know how well re-records do, and with our narrative, I think people will stand with us."

Arik picked up my hand and kissed the palm. "I'll be careful of what I say so Lindsay doesn't have any room to hurt you or Nova."

"Thank you, but I don't want you to do that. When Lindsay brings Nova here this weekend, I'm going to talk to her about putting a joint statement out. If she's not onboard, I'll do it myself."

I don't want to create a happily ever after, only to have it redacted

How much black ink can they use to cover our truth?

Strike out every inconvenient detail

They can't blot out the sun and all the stars

Pour ink over everything we are

We've fought black holes before

I pressed my back to the door when I closed it behind our managers. "Will you meet my kid?"

"I'll do anything you ask me to." Arik smiled, showing off his dimples. He was too fucking sexy to be real.

"I only want you to do it if you want to." I searched his face.

"Of course I want to meet a little human you made." He grabbed my wrist, pulling me off the door.

* * *

"Lindsay isn't going to be happy, but I'm not going to hide it from her."

Arik raised a brow from where he stood. "She should be happy I haven't killed her."

I gave him a flat look.

A Range Rover pulled up, and my kid pressed her face against the window.

As soon as it stopped, she launched herself out and sprinted over to jump in my arms. "Daddy!"

I hugged her. "I missed you, sweetheart."

"Daddy?" Arik muttered.

"Do not start," I said out of the corner of my mouth.

Nova picked up her head and looked at Arik. "Dad, is that Arik?"

How did she know?

"Yes…," I said.

She wiggled and hopped out of my arms. "Is my dad on tour with you?"

"He is." Arik held back a laugh.

"How do you know he's not on tour with me?" I asked.

"You're not cool. No one even listens to your music anymore, but Arik's song is on the radio."

"Wow. My kid thinks you're cooler." I didn't know whether I should laugh or cry.

"I mean, I am, but that aside, no kid thinks their parents are cool." Arik winked.

"‘Cause he's not," Nova said.

"I like your kid already." Arik knocked his shoulder into mine.

Nova narrowed her eyes. "Are you two friends?"

"We are." Arik gave her his big rock star smile.

"You're pulling my leg!" She turned to me.

"I'm not. Arik and I have been best friends for a long time."

"Then how come I don't know him? He's never been to our house. He's never come to my birthday parties. You don't have any pictures with him." Nova started checking things off her fingers.

"She has a good point. Why have I never been to your house?" Arik asked, like an asshole.

"Don't you start," I said before turning back to Nova. "He's super-busy being on the radio. Tell him he needs to make more time for his best friend."

Arik's mouth dropped open.

"Not a good look, bro," Nova said to Arik. "I need to get my backpack and you have to get my suitcase, daddy."

When I turned toward the SUV, Lindsay stood with her arms crossed, and I could see in her eyes that she knew.