57. Arik

Ihad to know this was all okay. He'd made so many cracks in my armor, like I knew he would, and I had to protect myself.

"Yes."

"When?" I needed all the facts.

Varian sighed. "A while. She'd moved our before we even talked about the tour."

My mind spun. "Then why haven't I heard anything about it?" I asked, needing to understand.

"They didn't want that fucking with our album release cycle. Plus, how does it look going back on tour with all these rumors in the midst of a divorce? It looks like I'm leaving my wife for you."

I winced. "It does. I guess that's fair."

"She left me before I knew the tour was even on anyone's radar." He stroked his thumb over my cheek, looking into my eyes. "Is there anything else you want to know?"

I let out a pent-up breath. "I'm sure I'll think of things. You?"

"You said all your relationships were PR? Why?"

"Because it was easier. Then, there were no rumors. I don't think anyone would believe I'd stayed single so long, and they'd start digging. Pressing about you. So I fed them what they wanted to see to protect my peace. And it had an added bonus of making them less suspicious when I did come meet you. I gave the sharks chum often enough to keep them chomping at the bit, and then I didn't feel trapped."

"I know I shouldn't ask, but I'm going to because I like suffering. Did you date people in private?"

"I couldn't date anyone. I didn't trust people enough to let them in, and I knew what would happen if I got serious about someone. If rumors broke you, what would happen when I was even more famous? I couldn't risk it. So I got my mental health under control and hooked up with you when I couldn't stand to not be touched any longer."

Varian's chest shuddered. "I'm sorry."

"No more apologies." I hugged him to me.

Varian slept, and I made myself some coffee, typing up a post.

things on my mind as i watch the rain:

i LOVE a chemical with substance.

the ghosts of past things we all collect

shirts i've borrowed for eighteen years

retracing our steps one by one

immersed in Meaning and memories i was terrified to look at beforE

Us leaving the bus became a walk of shame. Both bands and both managers were in the room with catering, all of them staring at us.

"Look at you, traitors. Back to thick as thieves the second I turn my back?" I asked, putting on fake annoyance.

"Don't fucking play! We are having a meeting about where the fuck you two disappeared to," Vallen said.

"What were the theories?" I asked, making myself a plate.

"We took bets." Fox got to his feet, picking up a notebook.

I took a seat with my food. "This ought be good."

Varian met my eyes after he'd finished getting his food in a silent question. I tipped my chin to the place next to me. He came and sat, and everyone took notice.

"Well, that means Kiernan, Serafin, and"—he scanned the paper—"Bronx lose." He scribbled stuff out.

"They haven't said anything! You can't just go on a look," Kiernan scoffed.

"Neither one of them is dead. You lost the second they walked in the room."

"You don't know about mine," Ser said.

Fox looked at us. "Did you two get into a physical fight?"

I side-eyed Varian, not sure how much he wanted to say. "Nope."

Varian shrugged.

"Why did Bronx lose?" I asked.

"He had murder/suicide," Fox replied. "Now, we have to figure out who is right."

"What is even left?" Varian asked, amusement coloring his voice.

"John had one of you ran away and the other went looking." Fox narrowed his eyes at us. "Plausible, but you're not really sweaty enough to have been running around looking." He crossed it off.

"Will you at least ask them," John said, annoyed.

Fox looked at us.

"No search and rescue," I replied, keeping it closed-lipped, slightly amused. "Next?"

"Hael had one of you quitting and the other shamefully hiding until it was found out," Fox said as he crossed it off.

"Witness protection was a very real backup plan in my mind," Varian said between bites.

"Koa had you two ran off together. Since you're here, that doesn't really work." Fox X-ed out that one.

"Vallen had you two having an extended verbal altercation." Fox looked at us both expectantly.

"Tell us what you had first, then we'll tell you who's right," Varian said, stone-faced.

"Smart. I like it," I agreed. "What was yours, Fox?"

"That you two have been fucking for the last six hours." Fox grinned, proud of himself.

"No one had us talking and working out our friendship?" Varian asked, letting hurt into his tone. It was marvelous acting. I wanted to applaud.

They exchanged awkward glances.

"No, never crossed our mind." Fox narrowed his eyes. "Don't fucking bullshit me."

I turned to look at Varian, putting my hand on his thigh and lifting a brow.

He nodded.

"I fucking knew it!" Fox ran over to a pile of cash sitting on one of the tables and swiped it into a basket he made with his shirt. "We're doing all the illicit drugs tonight!"

I blinked.

"How much fucking money did you guys bet?" Varian asked.

"Five hundred a piece," Vallen said through his teeth.

"You bet five hundred dollars I'd been fighting with him all day?" Varian stared at his brother.

"I honestly didn't think you had the game to get him back in bed that fast." Vallen shook his head.

"I knew after I heard about all your little hookups." Fox was so damn smug. He was going to be insufferable.

I'm glad it wasn't my problem.

"So what does this mean?" Kiernan asked. "We back to?—"

"We'll let you know as we figure it out," I said before Varian could speak. We had a lot of talking to do, and I didn't want to rush it for anyone else before he and I had time to talk.

He put his hand over mine, and I linked my thumb on top of his. Varian set his plate aside and laid his head on my shoulder, cheeks damp.

We didn't get long to bask in each other. We had to get dressed and go do vocal warmups. Varian lingered after the rest of the guys split to do their own rituals before performing.

"Yes?" I asked.

"Sleep with me tonight?"

"Are you sure we should jump into it that fast?" I asked, chest getting tight.

"I want to."

"Okay." I exhaled fear.

* * *

Dopamine-Fiend finished their set, and I waited in the wings, back far enough where I couldn't be seen from the arena for him to walk offstage. A smile lit his entire face when he handed his guitar to the tech and spotted me.

Varian grabbed my shirt, pulling me into a kiss. "I'd hug you, but I don't want you to get sweaty."

"I've never minded you sweaty. We spent a lot of time in the heat." I flicked my tongue over his lips.

"Whose hotel? Mine or yours?"he asked.

"Yours. It will probably be less crazy if either gets leaked."

Varian nodded.

"Go shower. I'll see you after." I kissed him again.

But he didn't leave the venue with the other guys. Three songs in, when I walked over to switch my guitar, he was standing there, watching. I shook my head, fighting a grin, before I remembered what was on my damn set list.

Fuck.

How did I sing our encore in front of him?

I'd pulled from my misery for every album. Could I even revisit my set list and come up with a version that wouldn't hurt?

I ran past the guy holding water and our guitar tech when we went off before the encore, grabbing Varian's hand. "I'm sorry."

"No more apologies," he whispered.

"I don't want to hurt you."

He looked at our hands, lacing our fingers together. "It doesn't hurt when I have this." Why was he being so sexy?

My chest ached. "It's still hard."

"I hope it's hard." He grinned.

"Not what I meant!"

He squeezed my hand. "Better get back out there and then come home with me."

"We're not going home." I laughed.

"Where you are is home."

I melted a little but forced myself back onstage.

left with ghosts to carry the secrets we told each other

if only we could be more than late-night starlight

when dawn comes, we fade

illuminating all the ways this will never work

summer fling never to amount to anything

they took our love and twisted it into a nightmare

and I STILL dream about those nights we stayed out Late

sunrises with tired eyes

bit my lip and made me want to quit

i wOuld haVe promised you anything if you'd let mE

sew Your lips shut

it won't hurt too much

put wOrds in your mouth

these secrets and lies we promise to keep

until death do Us part

too bad i'm already dying inside

Sink below the surface and remember what we're doing here

water in Our lungs

i promise you'll only drown a little

i'd give up a lifetime with anyone else

for another five minutes under your spell

and what does that say about me wishing for a time machine

while you find happily ever after in another

sew your lips shut

it won't hurt too much

put woRds in your mouth

these secRets and lies we promise to keep

until death do us part

too bad i'm alreadY dying inside

starved FOR a light only your fingers could bring

you say goodbye the coward's way

how many oceans will we cross to escape one another?

(echos out) EXISTING in this hellscape

I didn't shower, ready to be alone with Varian the second I walked off the stage. We slipped out the back before fans even got outside, getting in our car.

"Why are those songs hard to sing in front of me?" Varian asked once the door was closed."Are you ashamed of it?"

"What?" I asked, worried he meant our history.

"The lyrics."

"Not ashamed, but some of them I wrote because I wanted to hurt you." I risked a side glance.

"I deserved it."

"I hate that I still feel them."

He pressed his lips above my ear. "It's part of our history. We have to accept all the parts of ourselves."

"Why are you the wise one today?" I asked, leaning into his lips.

"I think we'll both have our days." He slid his hand into mine.

I lived for the little intimacies. I hadn't realized how much I'd missed them.

"At least I was made to cut the worst lines."

"What? Tell me what you cut!" Varian demanded.

"Nope."

He prodded me until we were in his hotel room alone.

"You really don't want to know."

"Yes, I do."

I sang it to him:

"Bet she doesn't know

Living in ignorance of where those lips have been

But I know, I know, I came first

Every single press of your lips comes tainted by my erection

All the words you speak, every promise tastes like a lie

Let me sing it again so you don't forget

I came first."

"I'm so glad no one let you do that." He scrubbed a hand over his face. "And also turned on. Is that weird?"

I don't want to live in the memory of our best days.

I don't want to exist in a downward spiral of love and loss,

Wishing for days long past, wishing we could get them back.

Living in a repeat without escape.

Feelings old and new, but still too few to create this dream we had.

Is it too late?

Or too hard coming.

The road wore us down and the destination failed to reach our hearts and minds lost in some tragedy.

Can I kill the regret?

Shed our skin and remember who we were.

Find a way back to us.