51. Arik

Everyone stared as I walked offstage before our encore.

"What?"

Hael's face looked like a real-life version of the gritted teeth emoji, and Serafin had a vein in his forehead that was about to burst.

"They can't decide if we should tell you," Koa said when neither of them spoke.

"We got to be back out there for the fucking encore. Can you just spill it?"

Hael and Serafin exchanged a glance, but still neither spoke.

"One of you has to just rip the Band-Aid off," Koa said, half-laughing.

"Out with it," I said to him, sure he'd be straight-up.

"Varian is in the pit," Koa said without hesitation.

"Pardon me?" My ears rang, and my stomach twisted into knots.

"When I went offstage for my bit, Kiernan pointed him out. It's him, not just fan speculation," Serafin said softly.

"Where?" I asked, wondering how I hadn't seen him.

Ser pointed, and I leaned forward, squinting, glad no one could get pictures of this with the lights out.

"I don't see him."

"He's on your side a couple of rows back. He's got glasses and a hat on, but they know. We keep getting tagged all over social media."

"Fuck." My heart felt like it was going to explode. I pressed my palm into my sternum, wondering if I was having a heart attack. "Okay, I'm changing up the encore."

"What?" Serafin said, but I was already stalking out onto the stage.

I grabbed the mic as the lights came up and my eyes went to where they said Varian was, finding him too quickly. He held my gaze. I tore it away and wouldn't let myself look back. "I know we've already given you a ton of deep cuts tonight, but I think we should play something we've never played before as a bonus. What do you think?"

The crowd erupted.

"I'll take that as a yes." I played the first chords to "Shooting Stars and Broken Hearts."

The guys caught up quickly, and all the memories that had inspired the song came flooding back.

I kissed the spot on my bicep, my ritual before and after every show, and then leaned into the mic.

i lost my conscience somewhere between the stage and the bus stairs with your hand Down my pants

i lost my conscience when i went down on you at the truck stop near mile five

i lost my conscience when you grabbed my shirt and told me to close my Eyes

i lost my conscience with one look

one touch

one kiss

did you ever think about the effect you would have?

the lasting impressions your brand of love would leave?

permanently marked

i can't go back

i wish those nights would fade

but i can't forget

the way we swayed to the fading amps

wishing on stars

i lost my conscience in the heat between our lips and the feeling of our hips

i lost my conscience while we fucked to the sound of thunder

i lost my conscience sinking into the claw-foot tub

i lost my conscience on the bus when you covered my mouth

And told me not to make a sound

i lost my conscience when i worshiped at the altar of your needs

in all the silent ways i put you above me

i lost me when I begged you not to leave

i lost me when i still believed in forever

The song almost sounded like it stopped in the middle, and then it went from a slow ballad to an upbeat tempo, like a switch.

now my reputation precedes me

an expert at Dropping glass hearts.

the rumors are all true

If you want to make a scene

then i'm the beast to your beauty

Not ready for you to leave me

chemistry like a bomb

ready to combust

and Still, i'm playing with matches

light you up

blow you—out

suck my lip

and I'll sing every gasp for them to hear

tell me you'll be waiting in my hotel room

barely waiting for the Door to close

do your hands shake when they go for my belt?

destruction meets seduction

chemistry like a bomb

ready to combust

and still, i'm playing with matches

light you up

blow you—out

suck my lip

and i'll sing every gasp for them to hear

taking Everyone out with just one kiss

we can't survive on the outside

the worlds not made for ones like us

but we never made it that far

pretend you don't know me after checkout

what do all those one nights mean to you?

I'd never performed it live. I couldn't bring myself to before. It was too raw, filled with so many emotions from all our ‘one nights' when missing each other got too hard. I'd written it after I found out Lindsay was pregnant.

It was mean, but I wanted to hurt him for showing up here, for agreeing to this fucking tour, for a lifetime of loving him I didn't know how to stop.