52. Varian

No.

My heart lodged itself in my throat in an attempt to choke me to death. Arik lifted his arm above his head to wave goodnight to the crowd, and just before the lights dropped and he went offstage, he lowered it again. But his sleeve rode up, exposing the bottom corner of a tattoo peeking out below his sleeve.

One I'd never seen before.

One fans had never seen before.

I'd know if there were pictures of it because I had the image burned into my brain. I knew what it was instantly.

It was the bottom edge of a heart.

The heart I'd drawn on his arm the morning I left.

And he'd kissed that place before he'd started playing. I bet if I went and looked, he did it before every show.

How long had he hidden this?

I hadn't seen it any of the times we'd hooked up or in any of the photos of him without a shirt on. It couldn't be new. How had he kept it hidden?

My knees shook. I was going to be sick.

"I can't do this tonight."

"Are you going to be able to do it any better tomorrow?" Vallen asked.

"Nope. I'm back to witness protection, especially since his fans are going to burn me to the ground when they hear the album at midnight."

While Dopamine-Fiend stagnated after my issues and subsequent breakdown, Second Star experienced the opposite. Every album seemed to make them bigger, which shouldn't have been possible, but they continuously broke records.

Everyone wanted a piece of Arik.

Which had to be the reason Kiernan reached out to John to make this dual release and tour happen. What was the one fandom they could embrace with Arik's new revelation? I was a pawn in this game, but since it was Dopamine-Fiend's best shot at a massive comeback, I couldn't deny it for the other guys. We'd worked too hard on this album to not have it listened to.

"Come on. Our stylist is waiting at the hotel, and we have to be at the party before midnight or John is going to murder me."

* * *

"I hate all of you," I said to the guys when I looked in the full-length mirror in the hotel room.

"Why? You look good!" Hugo, our stylist, said. "I love when they give me full control to dress you however I want." If Hugo was anything, he was the most flamboyant guy I'd ever met, but he knew his shit. He'd been dressing me for a few years and made me go from punk, alternative, questionable fashion I was far too old for to best-dressed lists, and I was frequently called a DILF.

But this was obscene. "I'm barely wearing anything. What is this, mesh?"

"It's the future. Joan of Arc is in. You're a knight in shining armor."

"It's see-through, Hugo."

"You have a jacket over it and abs. I don"t see the problem. Fox said you had to look so hot you'd ruin your ex's life. I'm just following directions."Hugo held up his hands.

I turned on Fox. "What the actual fuck?"

"After listening to that slaughtering of an album, you should agree." Fox wasn't apologetic.

"For what purpose?"

Fox looked around. "I don't know how to explain it to him. Anyone else?"

Bronx stepped in. "I know you're the worst type of bisexual man and don't know our culture, but I'm going to put it in child's terms so you can understand. Okay?"

I glared.

"That album is a hate crime, so in response, you have to serve. Understand now?" Bronx said it all like he was speaking to a kindergartener.

I looked to Val to save me. "Why are they speaking gen bravo bullshit to me? I need to get out of here."

Val just laughed.

"Back to my problem. I'd prefer not to be mostly naked in front of my ex."

"It's that or be actually naked. I only brought one outfit for you," Hugo said, giving me a sassy, indifferent shrug like the asshole he was.

"If you didn't dress me so well all the time, I'd fire you." I rubbed my temples and looked in the mirror again.

"You can't. You'd go back to dressing like gutter trash."Hugo pursed his lips.

"I am forty-three. I should not be in a see-through shirt. No one wants that."

Hugo raised a brow. "I don't think you know how hot you are. Believe me, everyone wants you in that."

Hugo was right. The second I stepped out, there were photos all over the gossip sites talking about it, and the comments on social media were feral. It also inflamed the Varik shippers.

It gave me the ego boost I needed to not spend the night hiding like I used to.

* * *

Arik held court.

Like a king, every eye in the room was on him when we made our entrance.

He was dressed in silver and purple. He'd let his hair grow out over the years, the faded colors a thing of the past. He wore his in its natural black, faded down to the skin on the sides while longer on top so it could be styled.

Serafin stood next to him, happy to let Arik shine.

I exhaled, on a mission to stay on the other side of the room for the entire evening.

They'd planned it so our album played early so Second Star's could start at exactly midnight. The reception to our album was amazing. The reviews were all good.

It never got any easier to release new art but this felt good until it ticked down to midnight, and suddenly—I was surrounded by my bandmates.

I lifted a brow. "I'm fine." I'd been pounding whiskey like it was my job. Nothing could touch this buzz.

"Good. We plan to keep it that way." Val clapped a hand on my shoulder.

"I'd like to introduce you all to the word ‘suffocating.'" I flagged down the bartender for another drink.

I thought I could handle it, but the entire club went silent after the first verse.

A hushed whisper moved through the crowd like wildfire.

My phone buzzed in my pocket over and over. I pulled it out and set it face up on the bar so the other guys could see the social media tags coming through faster than my phone could keep up.

"Fuck."

Vallen rubbed a hand down my back. "Breathe."

"Does this mean I'm going to have to come out?" I said under my breath.

"No. There is nothing tying you two concretely together. Even if his new music feels shitty because you lived it, there's nothing the fans could directly tie to you." Vallen tried to reassure me, but it didn't work.

"I'm going to go take a minute." I turned on my heel and stalked away. Seeing the reactions of other people made this album so much worse. Usually, listening to it before was enough, and I was numb, but him coming out like that…

I hated myself for leaving.

I didn't know how to forgive myself for ruining my own life.

I shoved into the bathroom and turned on the sink. I braced against it, focusing on breathing. The door banged open, and my head came up as I schooled my face.

He stopped, meeting my eyes in the glass, and didn't immediately leave. His brows pulled. In a moment of madness, I thought about confessing that my wife left me, bringing us full circle to the night we met.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey there," I replied, barely holding it together.

"I'm sorry." Arik's voice came so soft, I wasn't sure he actually said it.

"You have nothing to apologize for."

"Koa said he sent it to you. Did you not listen to it before…"

"I did." I barely kept my voice even.

He exhaled heavily. "Good. I didn't want to be non consensually strangled tonight."

Was he implying…? I forced my brain off that death trap of a thought process. Not today, Satan. No thinking about my hands around his throat.

I laughed because I had nothing else. "You're safe. It hurts, but it's all true. I've made a lot of terrible decisions that led me here."

"It's not that." The frown was back. "We both made a lot of mistakes. I've made my pain into art. But not to hurt you."

I wanted to believe him. "Thanks for checking on me."

"I didn't know you were in here." Arik pulled a face.

"Ah. Then thanks for talking to me, I guess."

He nodded. "I'm glad we could clear the air so we don't have any issues. I'm sure we'll see each other around, and I don't want it to be weird. I didn't want to do this but was told I had to, and I can only assume you faced the same. So I'd like to be civil."

"They made you do this?"

"They did. Just know it's also under duress on my side." That did make me feel a little better. "I'm not here to cause any issues with you or your family. I'll leave you alone. I promise."

It was the nicest but worst thing he could have said. It said he didn't want anything to do with me, and the tour hadn't been his idea. My heart ached.

The opposite of love wasn't hate. It was civil.

Strangers who used to be lovers.