50. Varian

Iturned off the podcast, staring at the email sitting in my inbox.

Koa always sent me the files for any new Second Star album the week before release, but I'd let them sit until today. I still didn't know if that was a kind gesture or a ‘fuck you,' but I was forever grateful that the first time I had to hear the album wasn't in public.

I dreaded this one more than the rest. After listening to his interview, I had a feeling it would be the heaviest since the one right after our breakup.

Others hinted at love and loss, but they were vague enough to be about any of the dozens of people he dated. Even if parts specifically related to our experience, only the die-hard Varik shippers noticed, and since they were on the fringes of the internet after seventeen years with barely any content, it wasn't paid attention to.

The album seemed to be the answer to the question: What did seventeen years of heartbreak sound like?

I'd cleared my afternoon to listen since the release party was tomorrow, and then I'd have to hear this thing live.

My alarm beeped, letting me know someone had opened my front door. I tossed my laptop on the bed and forced myself to get up.

"Hello?" I called as I walked out of the master. Only a few people had keys.

I walked into my foyer to find the guys with a black ballon arch. Each one of them was carrying a bottle of booze and a fucking tombstone.

"What the fuck? We having a living funeral so I can jump off a cliff instead of going to the kickoff party tomorrow?"

"Damn, that's a good idea. Sad I didn't think of it," Fox said, putting his stuff down to come over and put a black unicorn horn hat on my head like this was a fucking children"s party.

"Nova isn't here. What are you doing?"

"Throwing you a Requiem party," Val said, handing me a bunch of black flowers.

"You fucking told them?" I asked.

"'Course he did. This one seems like a big one. He didn't want you to be alone. It's literally called Requiem."

"He's not inviting me to kill myself while writing the death mass for it." I rolled my eyes, wanting to mourn alone.

"Have you listened to it? You don't know that," Fox said, walking toward my kitchen.

"Not funny," Vallen said. "But honestly, maybe we should have prescreened the album."

I flipped him off. "I haven't had a mental break in over six years."

"What I'm hearing is you're due for a new one." Bronx pulled a tombstone cake out of his bag.

"If this is a Requiem party…" I set the flowers on the counter to deal with later. "Why the fuck am I a unicorn?"

"Stag. We made you a black stag to pump up your confidence." Fox nodded, seemingly proud of himself.

"I don't get it." I turned to Val for an answer.

"If he's going to make you the devil in his life, you might as well embody it." Val grinned, always one to poke the bear.

"This is great. Thanks, guys, but I am just going to have a quiet afternoon by myself. I want to listen to the album and drink heavily before I have to gear up to face him at this fucking dual release party. I'm not going to kill myself. You can all go home."

"This sounds like he's trying to get rid of us," Bronx whispered to Fox way too loudly.

"I'm seriously fine!"

Val patted my back. "We aren't leaving. We'll be escorting you to the release party, because otherwise, you won't show."

"So let's rip the Band-Aid off before we go hear it being played all night." Bronx turned on my home stereo system with his phone.

"Remind me to remove all of you from all my smart electronics." I poured myself a double and sat down to get this public humiliation over with.

I used to think you were my saving grace,

Not a nightmare dressed as a fantasy.

The guy who put all the stars in my sky.

I fell out of my seat. "Fucking start that over." No way had he opened an album with that fucking line.

Val did as I asked, as struck dumb as I was. We listened again. There was no mistaking it.

The guy who put all the stars in my sky.

"What the actual fuck?" I said, but then Lennon asking Arik about the first line came back to me.

No fuck, the line "speaks for itself."

"Has John heard this yet?" Bronx asked.

"No. Koa sends it to me but no one else." I put my head in my hands. "Someone text him."

Val sat and put his arm around me. "You don't have to listen."

"Yes, I do. I can't hear it for the first time tonight." I put my head in my hands.

"I guess you're right."

Rage took over. "What just gives him the audacity?" I didn't know what to say. My damn palms were sweaty. "After all these fucking years, he just drops a fucking ‘he'?"

"Sounded like it." Fox grit his teeth. "The balls on that dude."

"I should have listened to Mom when she said never date an artist. They'll immortalize your worst moments." I shoved both hands into my hair.

"Are you telling me you never put him in a song?" Bronx gave me a knowing look.

"No, I have, but not like this." I sighed.

"He never was subtle. You've seen his blog." Val made a face.

"It's shocking they let him still have that," I muttered.

"This is what I've been saying the whole time!" Val threw his hands up.

"Thirty seconds in, and I already can't deal with it. Fuck my life."

"Let's finish this." Vallen put the song back on.

Star-crossed

i used to think you were my saving grace,

not a nightmare dressed as a fantasy

the guy who put all the stars in my sky

every trip around the sun reopens these old wounds

all these fucking scars so i can sing about the stars you put in My sky.

and maybe one day i'll apologize for all these albums i wrote about You

or maybe i'll keep getting off to our memories

you're my if only

A favorite star-crossed daydream

Lost in this sunrise company

Wasting Away day by day

You were there to light my way back home

never wanted those days to end

you were my north Star.

constellations written on skin

we were always going to collide

but i couldn't have predicted this black hole.

you're my if only.

a favorite star-crossed daydream.

lost in this sunrise company

wasting away day by day.

you were there to light My way back home.

i wrote you into stars

while you carved Your name into my Heart.

gave me butterflies in the shape of galaxies.

a configuration i'd never hoped to feel.

Only to Medusa merger and collide too soon.

you're my if only.

a favorite star-crossed daydream.

lost in this sunrise company

wasting away day by day.

you were there to light my way back homE.

"It's kind of a banger. I bet they play that on the radio," Fox muttered as the song played out.

"Not helping, dear," Bronx whispered to him.

I rolled my eyes as the next track started.

Goodbye Note

april only brings the downpour of our hearts

you left me a letter

a note

goodbye smeared in ink

i wish i could burn it now

instead, i burned it into flesh

I froze. Was he singing about… Fuck. Changing my name and going into witness protection sounded better every day.

you'll always be my star-crossed lover but never my forever.

when your lips press to that spot,

it saves me in all the ways i'll never tell you

i can't tell you how many times i wish it were different,

and i wasn't like a filament, almost burned out

april only brings the downpour of our hearts

you left me a letter

a note.

goodbye smeared in ink

i wish i could burn it now

instead, i burned it into flesh

The pleasure i take in the hits these lines deliver

are these words like knives to your ears?

how many times do you wish you could forget?

i'll take One for the team, while you take one too many.

i wish i knew what it all means, or if this life is about suffering.

Under the weather but not when we're together

blow after blow has me spiraling out of control

but that's not your problem anymore

we'll smile and wave and act like we're still friends

but we both know this is how we end

april only brings the downpour of our hearts

you left me a letter

a note

goodbye smeared in our ink

i wish i could burn it now

instead, i burned it into flesh

to Remember forever

Another track called Familiar Ghosts led in. Arik had been using ghosts as a theme since he made us those shirts. He had a handful of ghost tattoos, all carrying different things. The fans joked about him collecting all the objects that haunt him because of it.

Familiar Ghosts

bullets for a former lover in the shape of off- handed things.

i've taken so many to the chest

bled out of fucks.

these days i can't remember what I'm fighting for.

And he'd say:

put those stars back in your eyes

"look at me Like you once did"

"how i used to admire your mouth full of poetry

but now it's just cheap shots fired."

i remember When you used to put those lips to better use, baby.

hold me to those words i never said

places we never went

words scream louder than Actions

and i'd rather not be another notch in Your belt

a distant memory in a life lived without me

and Still i mourn our white picket mess

the chances we didn't take

times never been on my side

but i still wish You were mine

wishing On a star won't get you far

every touch had me fucked

we were a museum at night

beautiful and haunted

silent and locked up

a secret not spoken about

hold me to those words i never said

places we never went.

words scream louder than actions

and i'd rather not be another notch in your belt

a distant memory in a life lived without me.

we invite them in with the words we sing

secrets about our lives

exposed in art

i can't find another way to bear my heart

and i wish you knew what these words mean

but that's the thing, questions leave you wanting more

Untold stories in our echos

and I'm still, i'm still another notch in your belt

a distant memory in a life lived with someone else

fade in, fade out

you're just a different ghost

go haunt someone else

Music played in the background, but instead of singing the interlude, Arik spoke it.

how many more times can I say goodbye to you without dying inside?

i tell Myself this will be the last time, but the next time you show up with a knock, I'll Still let you in, knowing how it will end

left Standing at the hotel checkout, i go back to all those nights we whispered promises between sheets only to face the morning leaving

the divide between us growing every time i let You use me.

i've written so many notes and letters i'll never send

i can't bring myself to put it On paper and admit what i need to say.

so i'll sing it to you instead all the words left Unsaid

I inhaled audibly, and every eye in the room was on me. He'd never alluded to our years of hookups in his writing, and I'd never told anyone. I thought it was a secret we'd take to our grave.

Val paused the record. "Ex-fucking-cuse me?"

"I plead the fifth."

"You know this isn't a courtroom," Bronx said.

"The Geneva Convention says I don't have to incriminate myself."

"No, it fucking doesn't!" Val flexed his jaw. "How often?"

"More than five, less than twenty."

"So, like, once a year?" Fox asked, gob-smacked.

"No. We haven't spoken since I got married."

Fox closed one eye, doing math in his head. "Ten years, twenty times…"

"I don't want to talk about this." I got up to push play on the stereo, but Val didn't move.

"You didn't tell me."

"I didn't tell anyone because I knew what everyone would say. First, it would have been ‘don't reignite those rumors.' Second, it would have been ‘he's using you to get off,' and we were using each other. Third, it would have been ‘why are you doing this to yourself?' And finally, it would have been ‘why are you giving him more material to write albums about?' I've had all the conversations with myself, thank you very much, and I don't need to have them again. I know I'm an idiot. I haven't seen him since I married Lindsay. I wouldn't cheat, and he told me at the wedding to never contact him again."

They all stared.

"Can we finish listening now?"

Highs Lows

get as good at rewriting our history as The songs we sing

a constant chorus of High notes

speculators thick as thieves

they're only along for the highs and lows

live and die on every word we cry

suffer through your highlights

while I'm Singing the blues

cut me out like corners

put me down like our romance.

a pen to the page

another day to age

Memories slipping through the hourglass

but I learned long ago the Grass isn't greener

Her Taste isn't sweeter,

you're just a different ghost

a plague on someone else

fairy lights on the tour bus

nights made easy

memories to evade

if only we could forget

a pen to the page

another day to age

memories slipping through the hourglass

but i learned long ago the grass isn't greener

her taste isn't sweeter,

you're just a different ghost

a plague on someone else

So many of these songs were made up of posts from his journals. It really was the last eighteen years distilled into an album. My heart hurt.

What Will History Say?

i Kept the goodbye note

etched into my skin

a note to myself

a reminder not to pick up the phone

just strangers with familiar faces

best friends

less friends

lovers but never with one another

long nights I waited

time zones never on our sides.

you were my stardust

in a universe where i'm not enough.

magic when i close my eyes

every touch had me fucked

how do i get back to chicago

and those nights i'd never Let you go

i'd trade every single memory to Live one more day in those shoes

your hand in Mine and breath on skin

no one could steal it away

just strangers with familiar faces

best friends

less friends

lovers but never with one another

long nights i waited

time zones never on our sides

you were my stardust

in a universe where i'm not Enough

magic when i close my eyes

every touch had me fucked

And the goodbye note makes another appearance. I closed my eyes. This album didn't pull any punches, and it almost felt like an omen for how this tour would go

Five Stages

if losing you comes in stages

why do i never get to acceptance?

last star on the right

maybe you'll meet me there in another life

we saw it coming

but not how long the storm would last

we can't get those people back

how many times I tried to fight the water

only to drown in memories

We pull each other down

high, low, this is just how it goes

we can't go back

to figure out where to start

our eulogy was Already half-written

we were just waiting for the final date the fates would bring our destructioN

straight on ‘Til morning

I'll meet you there

how many Times i tried to fight the water

only to drown in memories

we pull each other down

high, low, this is just how it goes

we can't go Back

to figure out where to start

back to hearts As Dark

LikelY always apart

"How many fucking times do I have to listen to one of his albums and know I made the wrong choice?" I didn't even know why I said it to Vallen. He was probably so sick of my shit.

"This is less fun than the other listening parties where we rag on him," Fox said, making a face.

Funeral March

bit the bullet and took two to the chest

stood by your side and i didn't object

church bells ringing for a song i won't be singing

i still think about the way you looked at me that day

when you pinned that flower to my chest

does she know what you said?

church bells Ringing for a song i won't be singing

love we claim we lost

gave up

gave in

did what we were told

and if i'm honest, i regret it tO this day.

i'll never look at flowers the same way

petals dropped

i should've begged you to stop

‘till death do us part

and here is the funeral march

Church bells ringing for a song i won't be singing

as i sat in the first pew watching my future fade away

in a sea of happy tears, i mourned what would never be

carrying the weight of all the words we didn't say

love we claim we lost

gave up

gave in

did what we were told

and if i'm honest, i regret it to this day

father, son and holy ghost

which one of us do you love the most?

every forever, remember—i had it first

let me sing it again so you don't forget

it was mine first

love we claim we lost

gave up

gave in

did what we were told.

and if i'm honest, i regret it to this day

i'll sing the chorus

cranK up the Beat

sO you can dance at my expense

welcome To The end befOre you're dead

let me sing it again so you don't forget

it was Mine first

I sat with my mouth open as the last song ended.

He didn't…

The guys exchanged looks.

Never in my life had I expected him to put that day, one of the lowest points in my life, into song. It was like the anthem to my divorce he couldn't possibly know about.

"Does he know?" Vallen asked.

"No. I've only told the three of you and John." My mind scrambled, trying to figure out how he could have guessed.

"Would she tell him?" Fox asked.

"Not a shot. She hates him."

"My point. Could they be in this together? Would she have told him as like vengeance?" Fox pressed.

"No, she'd be too embarrassed to give him that kind of win." I scrubbed a hand over my face.

My brain stopped.

My heart felt like it was going to explode.

Rage took over. "She's going to fucking know."

"She doesn't know any of that?" Vallen asked carefully.

"No," I said through my teeth.

"Then how will she know?" Vallen said. He was trying to reassure me, but it was just making it worse.

"Are you kidding me?"

"He could be talking about anyone."

I looked at the ceiling. "She'll know."

"Why would she care? You're getting divorced." Vallen wasn't fucking getting it.

"You don't think my ex-wife will care I almost left her at the altar?"

Fox cringed. "He has a point."

"She's divorcing you because she said she doesn't love you anymore. She shouldn't care," Vallen said, but I could tell he knew his argument was losing steam.

The door opened and slammed.

"Tell me why the fuck my publicist says I need to be worried about a fucking song on Second Star's album?" Lindsay screamed from the entryway.

I held up my hand palm up, staring at my brother. "Remind me to change the fucking locks and not to give any of you a key."

"I thought you were over that asshole,"Lindsay spit.

"We aren't together. You left me. I'm not having this fight again."

"It's still not fun to see our fucking relationship written about when you should have left him in the past."

She was right. I knew it to my core, but that didn't mean I would admit it. I hated that he still affected me, especially while I was at my lowest.

We went back and forth for half an hour and solved nothing. A lot like the theme of our whole marriage.

She kept asking the same question over an over. "Why is he still writing about you?"

Finally, I exploded. "I don't know. I can't tell you. I haven't spoken to him. What he writes shouldn't be my fault, and I refuse to let you take it out on me."

"He wouldn't be writing about you if it was over."

"What the fuck are you accusing me of?"

"Nothing. You're showing your feelings without me saying anything."

I pressed my lips but didn't say a word. What defense could I make?

"If you didn't care about him, you wouldn't be reacting," she said when I didn't reply.

I went with my brother's defense."Why do you even care? We are getting a divorce."

"Because I know what it was the whole time, and it's pathetic to see you still hung up about a guy who isn't even gay so he couldn't be that into you."

"You can't have it both ways. Either the song is about me or he's straight." I'd lost all my fucks. "You don't know that's about me, and even if it is, artists pull from every part of their experience. He's just using things he's felt. That doesn't mean he still has feelings."

She scoffed, dismissing it, but I'd known her a long time, and I knew what that look meant.

"Then why does my fucking reaction mean something?"

"Because you were in love with him, and your reaction fucking shows you care. It shows you've carried those feelings this entire time."

"I'm not allowed to be upset someone is still using what we had to drag me?" I asked.

"Can't have it both ways, Varian. Either it's fucking about our wedding, or you're upset over nothing," she shot at me with a smirk like she'd won.

"I don't know what it's about. I don't know him anymore." But I knew. Deep down, I knew.

"Maybe you're upset because you wished it meant more." She huffed and walked out of the room.

I grabbed a vase off the mantel and threw it against the wall. It shattered, spraying glass everywhere, but that didn't stop my mood. I picked up every single glass trinket some designer had put in the room, chucking each one against the floor.

Left in a room of shattered things, I still felt like the most broken among them.

Vallen came back from somewhere while I sat in the wreckage.

"I thought you left."

"I didn't want you to be alone when Lindsay got the last word." He sat down and put his arm around me.

I turned into him as tears streamed down my face.

"You can't destroy everything in sight because he released another album," he said some time later.

"This is my fucking process," I said, pulling at my hair.

"If it bothers you this much, why don't you talk to him?" Vallen asked. "The album isn't out yet."

"And what? Tell him I made a fucking mistake walking away and every fucking year after that? Have you read his lyrics? He fucking hates me, and he has every right to." As he so eloquently put it, I turned my back on our once-in-a-lifetime.

"I don't think that. I don't think he hates you. I don't think he'd keep writing songs about you if he hated you. This isn't hate."

"I don't know what you're hearing, but it sounds like I'm the last person on the planet he wants to talk to." I went to make myself a drink. Sober wasn't going to cut it today.

"You don't write like this for hate. Maybe you should clear the air. Make yourself feel better before we go on tour with them."

"He made it clear when I got married that he would never speak to me again."

"So let's go show up at his secret show tonight and force it. He's got to interact with you if we are on a fucking tour together. Break the ice." Vallen found an unbroken glass and filled it.

"You want me to see him before our midnight release party?" I asked.

"Better in semiprivate before you have to act friendly." Vallen held up his drink.

"What is that for?" I asked, picking up my glass.

"Down it, and let's go."

"I'm going to need a whole lot more alcohol than that to do this."