49. Arik

"We have the man of the hour with us now on K97.3 Rock to Rise." Lennon Roy introduced me when they came back from commercial. "Arik Vesper is here this morning to talk about Second Star's new album. This album is… Honestly, I'm not sure there are words for how good it is. I've been listening to it on repeat since you sent it over, and I will say I've always been a fan, but this is—wow."

"Thank you."

"We've had a lot of chats over the years, and I think I've gotten to know you pretty well, so it was a little hard for me to come up with new questions and make this interesting." Lennon laughed. "But I think I came up with a few."

I grinned, slipping on the mask I'd worn for more than half my life. It was an easy transition now. I barely thought about it. "Your interviews always turn into a conversation. It's why I like coming on your show. We have a great back and forth."

"I think fans respond better to a conversation. It's getting a glimpse at the real you, not that fans need that with you, since you've kept this online journal for almost two decades, right?"

"It's been about eighteen years of posting all my worst thoughts online. Ten out of ten, would recommend if you want the entire internet picking apart your life for the rest of time." I looked right at the camera and grinned. "But all jokes aside, I think it's part of the longevity of Second Star's success. I think it gave fans a way to connect with me that wasn't superficial. They knew what I was going through in real time. The good, bad, and worst."

"I have to agree. It's provided a unique view into your psyche and also your mental health. How has that felt?"

"It's been a roller coaster. At times really good, and others really bad."

"So about the opening verse… What a way to open an album. Without giving anything away, care to comment?"

"I think it speaks for itself,"I said, knowing this would be the focus of a lot of interviews going forward.

Lennon nodded, probably considering how to ask what he wanted without giving anything away. "Are you confirming rumors?"

"I think most people are a lot more fluid than anyone gives credit for. Like I said, I think it speaks for itself. I want it to be taken exactly the way I said it." I'd decided what I was going to say carefully before we sent the album to anyone.

"Wow. I'll let the fans listen for themselves and comment. To that point, how do you feel about fans speculating about your love life in relation to who you've been seen with or are rumored to be dating?"

Lennon always had such insightful questions. I almost blocked it out in the years between album cycle interviews.

"I think I do it to myself. How could I put all those things out there and then get mad people are looking deeper for their meaning? We connect to other humans, and what am I doing if not pretending to be human?"

Lennon raised his brows in surprise, and it wasn't easy to surprise him. He interviewed musicians for a living."That's quite an inflammatory statement. ‘Pretending to be human'? You have to give me more."

"I've never felt fully like anyone else or quite at home in my skin. I think struggling with your mental health does that to a person. We have a hard time feeling like we relate to anyone or anything. Our experience isn"t normal, and it's pretty disorienting."

Lennon nodded. "Has it gotten easier to talk about your mental health?"

"Not easier, but I like to push myself to have those conversations and bring up mental health as a topic because the more we get these things out in the open, the more kids like me might not feel so alone, so not human. I want those things for future generations." That was easier than talking about my love life. I didn't have to lie about my mental health.

"You aren't one to comment on relationships. In fact, I don't think you've ever confirmed a romance to your fans. Did fans picking apart your private life make your mental health worse?"

"Yes, and no. There have been times when I wished I could hide and not be so visible with my pain, but that's not the path I chose for myself. It helps that they've been wrong basically the whole time." I grinned. Giving fans that little gem would explode the fandom, and leading into an album release, it would be good for them to pick apart the lyrics.

"The whole time?"

"Nearly. There have been a few times and places the fans had it totally right, but the rest… Not even close." I smirked, knowing every fucking face I made would be dissected on YouTube later.

"We've already gone so far off the rails of what I expected to talk about. I don't know if I can reel it back in." Lennon laughed. "But this is… Wow, a revelation."

"Got to give you the best content and keep you on your toes."

"You always fucking deliver, Arik." Lennon scanned his notes. "Let's see. How is it sending out your album before the fans ever hear it to a bunch of guys like me?"

"Nerve-racking. You've always been very supportive, but I don't think I'll ever get used to it."

"For your seventh studio album, I would have thought I'd heard it all from you guys. I know your sound, I own all your records, and I do still listen to even the early stuff. I spent a week trying to articulate the feeling the new album gave me." Lennon rolled it around, tilting his head back and forth. "It took me forever to write my review, which, after thirty years in this business, isn't my normal."

"I don't know if I should be nervous or excited." I laughed, reminding myself he said he loved it.

"No, no, don't be nervous. It was hard to articulate a way to say that I love your music and didn't think there was a new direction for your band to go. You were really solid in your sound, and I thought I knew what to expect from Second Star, but this album showed me I was wrong. You sound different and the same. You've reinvented the wheel here. Almost reinvented Second Star. It's incredible. I think it's going to end up my favorite album of the year." Lennon didn't blow smoke. He wasn't the kind of music reviewer who kissed people's asses. He'd always been honest with me about what he loved and what he didn't. "I think it's going to bring a new life to alternative we haven't seen since the early 2000s scene."

"Wow. I don't know what to say." I collected myself. "I wasn't alive for the beginning of the scene, but as it's been the great love of my life, I'm here for injecting new energy into it."

"Now you can tell me what inspired this damn album since you say the fans are wrong." Lennon laughed but it was good natured.

I'd spent too many years avoiding this question—and, frankly, making up things to say because the further I got from Varian, the worse it sounded. I couldn't say ‘I dated a rock star seventeen years ago and I'm still obsessed with him to this day.'

I couldn't imagine trying to play off like I wasn't out of my mind for still not being over him. We'd lived a whole life without each other. It was stupid to still be in love with him.

"You seem pretty deep in thought over there. If all of you listening to the podcast want to jump on YouTube, it's worth seeing his face. I'm not sure I could explain it." Lennon shook his head and gestured for me to speak.

"You're just selling out my contemplative moments!" I let out a breath and went for it. "I have a muse. I've always had a muse of some sort, as I'm sure my fans can tell. There are a lot of deeply personal lyrics on all our albums that span from heartbreak to living with my mental illness and everything in between." I paused, reeling from admitting that much, but I knew it was only dipping my toe in the water. I had to say more. "This record was a little different because I wasn't trying to be angry or write a breakup album like so many of our others have been dubbed. This record, I wanted to be about healing. I treated it like therapy, and through that, I cared less about being cryptic. I think most people can relate to having a relationship that profoundly changed the way we interact with the world. I had one of those, and I'm still dealing with the aftereffects."

"I think that's the most straightforward answer you've ever given me." Lennon stared at me. "Since you are the king of cryptic double entendres, color me shocked. I don't keep up much on the gossip train because if I want to know something, I ask in an interview, and if I'm told no, I leave it at that."

"I'm going to be forty this year, and a big part of my platform is transparency. I guess I'm just doing it raw." I winked and then laughed.

He smirked. "Sure, it's understandable how that could drive even more listening and deep dive type analysis into your music by super fans."

"Right, and I don't think we can really know if it was the super fan's interest that drove the articles or the articles that drove the interest." I shrugged, sure the beast of fame couldn't ever be fully understood. "The internet is a living, breathing thing. It takes on a life of its own."

"I'm sure it's some of both, and we'll never know where the line is." Lennon got deep and contemplative, and it was one of the reasons he and I always got along.

"Exactly, and I used to worry about my lyrics and what would be linked to these wild theories and rumors. But for this album, I think I've been so disconnected from social media for so long, my art has gotten to a place where I could strip it down to the bare bones and then not worry about what was said about it. The music stands for itself, and if fans speculate, they do."

"It's an interesting take because no matter how many deep dives are done, I'm not sure anyone, even with a massive discography of evidence, could really say what was in your brain at the time." He laughed and nodded at the other guys waiting in the green room. "So if this isn't a breakup album, what is it?" Lennon asked.

"It's a nostalgia album. It's a reflection of my life, of where I started and where I am, which isn't a breakup or love or any one thing. It's the cumulation of me. All the experiences that brought me here—and a lot of it involved healing. I used to hate when people called our albums breakup albums because it makes them about someone else when it's never been about anyone but me. They are about me. My experience. What I lived. So, sure, there are songs when I'm mourning and songs when I'm not. But it's only ever been my interactions with the world."

I felt good about it. About taking back the narrative.

I was tired of sitting with myself after we released another album of songs about Varian, feeling like he was celebrating because he'd won. Or maybe not even won but knew that I still thought about him. I didn't want to give him that.

"It seems like you have this negative experience with an album being called a breakup album."

"I do. I want to be known for my wins, not the lowest moments of my life." I took a sip of my water, biting back anything too pointed.

"I love thinking of the album like it's your life until this point. Does that mean we'll get a part two?"

"I don't know. You'll have to ask me in another fifteen or twenty years." I exhaled, glad we'd taken a turn away from what I'd said.

"Do you think you'll keep making music that long?" Lennon asked, clearly hopeful.

"I don't think I'll ever stop making music. I may not tour and stop putting it out one day, but I don't think there will be a day I don't write. It's become so dear to me. It's a type of therapy, like I said. It's how I process the world around me. I don't think my mental health will do well in a world where I stop."

"Can you give me some insight on what allowed you to let go and be more raw versus your old albums?"

"Sure. I think with experience comes the ability to see a thing for what it is. I don't have anxiety or the need to make this what it is by piling a ton of stuff on top of it. I don't need a lot of extra components to the music. And that's not to say adding those things is bad or makes our other albums not as good, but this one, I wanted to be simpler."

"What drove you to want that?"

"I'm tired of hiding. As much and as little as that gives away."

"Care to elaborate on that?" he asked.

I laughed and shook my head. "No comment. I've already said too much." I glanced over at Kiernan.

He rolled his eyes.

"You guys at home who might only be listening so can"t see this, but Arik just looked at Kiernan, his manager, who is wearing a face like he's the only adult in the room and agreeing Arik is giving away too much. Care to comment, Kiernan?"

"I'm good," Kiernan called from the doorway.

We both laughed.

"I'll take that as Kiernan agreeing that you've said too much, but since you're a cryptic bastard, I still don't have any idea."

"I have to keep some of the magic behind the curtain."

"Are you the Wizard of Oz now?" he asked.

I cracked up. "Sure, you could say that. I don't want to give everyone a view behind the curtain and ruin it. I think it"s part of the enjoyment."

"I do think there is a kind of romantic aspect to listening to lyrics by an artist and wondering what they are about. So to stay on that theme—unless you'd rather change the topic?"

I held back a groan, not sure where he was going. "No, bro, ask what you're going to ask."

"There's been rumors over the years…" Lennon held up a hand as his producer gave a low whistle. "Calm down, I'm not getting into it. I know that would be a deep rabbit hole we do not have the time or patience to go down. Give me a chance."

The producer rolled his eyes but gestured for him to continue.

"Everyone is judgy today. Jesus Christ. Like I don't know how to do my job here, right?" Lennon shook his head.

I laughed. "I have faith. Or at least more faith than those motherfuckers. Let's do it."

"So, rumors… There's been a lot of them over the years, and no, I'm not bringing up individual rumors. I want to know how you cope with them affecting your real life and how hard releasing music that's so personal to you must be. Surely there are people who know what the lyrics mean, considering how pointed some of them are."

His question was actually a good one. Insightful. I could already see it being used in clips all around social media.

Which meant I had to answer this perfectly, not only to draw attention to the episode and the album but to make sure I didn't give away anything. Media in this business was like walking a fucking tight rope some days.

I smiled when it came to me, as a calm settled in my chest. There was only one person who could connect all those dots, and I doubted he paid attention to my albums anymore. And if he did, he wasn't going to say anything about it.

"As I've talked about, I am bipolar type one, and before it was well-controlled, my headspace wasn't great and I would get drawn into those narratives. As much as I had the internet to thank for my career, I also had it to blame for keeping my worst moments front and center. There was no escape from fame, only sloshing through it. But I can't be mad because it was genetics that had fucked me, wasn't it? So I've learned to accept my brain while disengaging from observing the narrative as much as possible. My mental health has been a lot better since I stopped reading stuff about myself."

If only I could stop reading all the shit about Varian.

"So who knows the meaning behind the lyrics? Anyone?" Lennon leaned forward.

"Ser probably has some idea because he spends the most time with me. But I'm sure he still doesn't know everything. You'd have to be a fly on the wall for every moment of my life to have a chance."

"I guess Ser is the one we need to get under the lie detector."

"Good luck with that. He is so introverted, he doesn't even like to do interviews." I laughed, glad that it worked to my benefit.

"So what you're saying is we are never getting a book with all the inside details?"

I shook my head. "I have no plans, and I don't think Ser would ever do that to me. Maybe when I'm dead."

Ser poked his head in. "Nah. I wouldn't do that to him."

"Since you at home can't hear what's being said from people without mics, Serafin came in just now and said he wouldn't. Come get on a mic, Serafin!"

Ser made a cutting motion across his neck.

"Come on. You're here! I'm going to start taking it personally if you don't want to be on the podcast."

Serafin sighed. At heart, he was a people-pleaser. So he let the producer hand him a headset and took a seat next to me on the sofa. "I blame you for this."

"Me?" I asked, laughing.

"Yes, you. You put my name in their mouth!" He grinned good-naturedly about it. "So here I am, hello. This is Serafin from Second Star, and I would never write a tell-all about Arik's life. Those secrets will be taken to the grave. If he wants to write a book, that's up to him." Ser had been asked enough that he was well-versed on what they were expecting.

"No introduction needed, but thank you," Lennon Roy said. "You have it here first; you all have to ask Arik to write his own tell-all. Is that something you'd ever do?"

"No, I don't think I would. It's one thing to turn my own experiences into art because it's mine. My feelings. My view. But it feels uncouth to bring real people into it with names without their consent. It takes two to be in a relationship, and there are three sides. It's not my place to make those very personal things public. Nor do I want to." I watched Lennon for his reaction, not sure what I'd get.

"I think consent is what it comes down to. Even if you were to wait until, let's say, eighty-five when most of the people weren't with us anymore, it's still on their legacy and their kids and family. I think your art is very different because it's an experience in an abstract sort of way, and that's a good way to put it."

"Fans will have to just be happy with what I do share."

"Do you think you'll ever get to a point where you're in a relationship serious enough to be public?"

I shook my head. "No. I'm almost forty, and it hasn't happened yet. I don't think relationships thrive in an atmosphere like this."

"I think you're right. So will we be seeing you guys on tour anytime soon?" Lennon asked before we wrapped up.

"I'd keep an eye out for an announcement."

"You're serious?" Lennon asked, the shock evident on his face.

"We are," Serafin added. "It's a big one."

"How are you fitting all this in? An album, a tour last year, and now another tour? Shit, aren't you exhausted? You're doing more than guys half your age." Lennon sounded as impressed as his words suggested.

Serafin gave me a side glance, and I shrugged, giving him the go-ahead to say what he wanted.

"For us, we work so well together. Arik is filled with words, and he sends them to me. It's like unwrapping a gift. He's never not writing, and since we are already stuck together on tour, it's just a matter of taking what he has and getting some time to go back and forth with the music." Ser smiled as he spoke. He'd given me a lot of shit over the years for continuing to write about Varian, but he really did love to create, and the money wasn't bad either.

"I love this. I love that your connection, after all this time, is still so genuine. You know how rare that is? There are guys who can't even be in the same room. It's really something to be celebrated when a band lasts as long as yours does," Lennon said, adjusting his headphones.

"It really is like being in a long-term relationship and everything that goes along with that. My longest relationship." I had to laugh, speaking about it that way.

"Mine too," Serafin added, laughing as well. "And I'm married!"

"It might be harder. Most people don't have to work with their significant other, too. That's a lot of time with each other. Then tour buses and hotels… It's intense. I don't think I could do it, mate." Lennon shook his head."Are you going to tell me what's coming since this won't air for months?"

"We are co-headlining a tour," I said, not caring if he knew.

"I've heard whispers about that. Who with?" He glanced between us.

"The label has come up with some names. We are trying to see who's got time and what the fans would like best." I gave the answer Kiernan had told me when he came up with the idea.

Ser shifted in his seat and looked down. His tell.

"Ser looks like he's not saying something…" Lennon glanced between us again. "Do you know something he doesn't?"

"Like he said, there are a few names that have come up," Ser said carefully.

"I've heard Dopamine-Fiend is also in the planning stages of a tour. Are they on that list?" Lennon asked, and I choked.

I barely schooled my features, but Ser gave it away. He knew something about it.

"I think a lot of names are on the list." Ser went a little pink.

"I applaud you both, and I look forward to seeing you on tour."

We thanked him and turned off the mics. I couldn't get out of there fast enough because I was about to murder my guitarist and manager, and the last thing I needed was a room full of witnesses.