42. Varian

i know you can't forgive me for what i can't change, but I can't changE the fabric of how the universe is woven together.

i'd write another love letter, but it would go the way of all the Missed calls.

just another shot into the void between us

how do i Put it on hold?

days like Today, it feels like the universe is against us.

i'd stay up all night just to hear Your voice, but…

how many time zones can we span and still make this make sense?

Reading his journals was like a slow descent into madness. Was he not being honest about the doctor? Was it just him feeling something? If I wasn't there, how would I ever know what's really going on with him?

"I have to go see him. He's not good."

"Are you sure?"

"I know him, Vallen. I feel it in my gut. Something isn't right."

"Is it just because you two have been missing each other?" Vallen was always the pragmatic one.

"It feels like he doesn't want to fucking talk to me until I get him on the phone, and then he's happy and loving. There is something wrong." I wasn't going to let anyone gaslight me against what I felt.

"He's probably as busy as we are."

"Sure, but for weeks? He doesn't have any downtime?" I didn't believe it. "There is something going on. I don't know if it's his new meds or…" I didn't even know what. I suspected our managers and staff were not making it easy, but he had his own goddamn phone.

"You barely have two days. That's not enough time to get there and back." Val frowned, clearly not happy about the risk.

"Three, since we don't go on until nine. It's enough time to spend twenty-four hours there. I have to do this for me. I have to make sure he's okay."

"If you don't make it back…" A line formed between his pulled brows. He didn't want to tell me no, but he also didn't want to be forced to be between John and me. He'd always take my side, even if I was wrong, because that's what we'd been doing since we were kids.

"Then we cancel a show. Say I'm sick. What the fuck does this job afford me if I can't even take off in an emergency? And if he's really fucked, and I didn't go, I'd never forgive myself. I know that."

"I know. Go."

It was the longest fucking plane ride of my life because I didn't know what I'd find on the other side. Every possibility ran through my head. He was disenchanted. Overwhelmed. Depressed. Spiraling. My mind went to all the darkest places, determined to make me miserable. But at least I'd see with my own two eyes soon.

* * *

Kiernan didn't answer his phone. Surprise, surprise, so I had to call in a favor with the promoter to get a ticket for the sold-out show since Arik would be going onstage by the time I got to the venue. I pulled my hat low as I walked in. I could go backstage, but I didn't want him to lose his shit mid-concert.

The place was filled wall-to-wall. All their shows sold out because the label had gone conservative on booking smaller places. It was a mistake. They should have gone big, and now they were already looking to add more.

I shifted through people, glad no one was looking at me closely in the dark. It was probably a mistake to be in the crowd, but I wanted a night off to just exist with the man I loved. I had a couple of drinks, watching him from the edges, swaying to his music.

Arik could fool anyone but me. He didn't look good. Tired and sick and a tinge of sadness he masked with a smile. I wanted nothing more than to pull him in my arms.

"We're going to play a new one," Arik said when their set was almost over.

thought you were andromeda at night.

i wrote YOU into my stars

while you carved your name into my heart

gave me butterflies in the shape of galaxies

a pen to skin

let me pretend

another day to age.

we put our hands on hearts even when we ARE sleeping apart

be the dopamine to my daydream

a reason to stay alive

when i close my eyes

you are the face that always comes to mind

this nebula in my void.

the bright in my life.

my neverland to escape to.

How do i get back to those nights and never let you go?

i'd trade every single memory to live One more day in those shoes

no one could steal it away

you were my north star

starved for a light only your fingers could bring

constellations written on skin

be the dopamine to my daydream

a reason to stay alive

when i close my eyes

you are the face that always comes to mind

this nebula in my void

the bright in my life

My neverland to escape to

working on my strength of will,

but i've never been to the gym

resolved—to dissolve when you look at me like that

like i'd say no to you

i'll be sleeping in memories.

hands on hearts Even when we're sleeping apart

hold on to these moments and memories

be the dopamine to my daydream

a reason to stay alive

when i close my eyes

you are the face that always comes to mind

this nebula in my void

the bright in my life

my neverland to escape to

straight on until morning

i'll meet you there

I slipped backstage to meet him when he walked off before the encore. Arik's entire face lit up. He ran, slamming into me, guitar and all.

He held me and shook. "How are you here?"

"I didn't give anyone a choice," I whispered into his ear.

"How long?" His voice was raw, and not from singing a full set.

"Twenty-four hours." I hoped he wouldn't be disappointed.

"Thank you." He rested his forehead against mine.

"You have to go back on."

"Promise you aren't a hallucination."

"If you're hallucinating without me, rude." I squeezed him again before disentangling our bodies. "I promise. Go finish."

"Come on with me." Arik reluctantly let me go.

"I'm not going anywhere. Do you know what kind of rumors that would lead to? I should be in Germany!"

"Fine."

He played the rest of the encore and ran offstage and into my arms again. I'd never get sick of this feeling.

"Stardust. Come on, let's go get your stuff so we can get out of here."

"You've got confetti in your hair."

"Where?" I raked my hands through the strands, trying to find it.

"Let me get it." He pulled out a piece of the glittery gold. "See?"

"That's your fault!"

"It looks good on you."

"Would you get in trouble if I kidnapped you now?" I didn"t have the time to do the band thing or deal with Kiernan. I wanted Arik to myself.

"Maybe. Is that a problem?"

"No. I'm not giving you a choice."

"No?" he asked, amused.

"The ask was only to be nice."

"Don't be nice." He slid his hand into mine as we walked to the dressing room. "How are we making this work? I only have one day off, and I have to be in D.C."

"We can fly there before I fly out. Two nights alone is better than on the bus."

His face bloomed into a smile.

"Rebel. I guess I shouldn't be surprised."

I laughed, stepping forward when he dragged me closer. "Playing by the rules hasn't gotten us anywhere in weeks."

"I like this. I'm going to steal it by the end of the night." He grabbed the front of my jean jacket when we got to the dressing room.

"Is that so?"

"It is."

"Arik?" Kiernan interrupted from somewhere behind us.

He closed his eyes. "Yes?"

"If we hurry, he won't be able to catch us," I whispered.

"He's already spotted us!"

"We can outrun him?" I pressed closer, sliding my arms around his middle.

"We need to talk about tomorrow's schedule."

"I'm taking the day off."

"What?" Kiernan did a double take, finally processing my presence, I guessed.

"I can"t spend all day doing shit and not have any time with Varian. So move it."

"That's going to cause a stir. I'm not sure half of it can be rescheduled…"

"Tell them I'm sick. I'm taking a fucking sick day." Arik looked at me for confirmation.

I nodded, holding back a laugh.

"Fuck. This isn't going to go over well."

"I guess that's what we pay you for." Arik wasn't having any of it. It felt good having him standing up for us.

They went back and forth for another minute, but Arik held his ground. We were out to my waiting car in another fifteen.

"Where are we going?" he asked, slumping into the seat when the door closed.

I didn't blame him; it was a wonder we weren't seen.

"John booked us a hotel, and he arranged for us to go in the back. The concierge is waiting to walk us up when we arrive."

"We get two nights there?"

"One. I have to leave on the redeye to get back."

"I'll fucking take it."

* * *

We took the service elevator up to the top floor, and we dropped our bags on the floor in the dark room. It was after midnight for him and like seven in the morning for me. We were both dead on our feet.

But as soon as the door closed behind us, I grabbed his face and brought it to mine, kissing him because if I waited any longer, I'd suffocate. "Why does it feel like the longer you're away from me, the more I can't breathe?"

"Because I've stolen the oxygen from your lungs to keep myself functioning."

"Give it back," I said between the twists of our tongues.

"Take it back if you want it."

I shoved him into the wall, pressing my body flush to his, every inch of me aching for contact. "Take me to bed."

"Fuck, isn't it like the morning for you?"

I nodded, and he slipped his hands under my shirt. "Let me help you."

"I need help?" I said, amusement coloring my tone.

"You're dead on your feet. So I'll do it for you. I don't have any other motivations." He tossed my shirt aside and unbuttoned my jeans, dropping to one knee to look up at me while he slid them down my thighs.

"Do you know how fucking good you look on your knees?"

"I think I have an idea." He untied my shoes and helped me step out of my pants. But Arik didn't get up. He brushed his lips over my hips, hands splaying over my thighs.

"Do I get to help you?" I asked when he finally stood.

"Are you too tired?" he replied playfully.

I already had his shirt shoved up. "I think I can manage it. This isn't the first all-nighter I've pulled. I am a rock star."

Arik laughed and it was infectious. When we were both undressed, he hugged me, wrapping his arms so tightly it felt like he wanted to meld our chests together.

He felt like home, and I hated him a little for that. I wanted him to be home like I'd never wanted anything in my life. I might give up everything for him.

Every single thing. Fame, family, life, limb. And that scared me.

How did people just live with handing over this type of power to another human?

I pressed into the hug and locked my arms around his back. Arik melted into the embrace, letting out a huge breath, deflating.

"Are you okay?"

"I will be now." He dropped his face to press into my neck.

I bit back emotion. If only Arik knew what he did to me. It was effortless, like floating. Much like I imagined the loss of gravity.

"I want to take it all away," I muttered in his ear.

"You do enough."

I didn't.

"Thank you," he said after a long time, but he didn't pull away.

"For what?" I asked.

"For always taking care of me."

"I'll always take care of you." I exhaled, telling myself to be happy with what we had. Any part of Arik was better than no part of him, and maybe if I kept that in focus, I could do this.

"I'll always take care of you too."

We dozed for a while, but only a couple of hours before my body decided it was hungry. We ordered pizza. Thank fuck for New York having places open twenty-four hours.

"I still can't believe you're here."

"We've got to make this work somehow." I took another bite of my pizza, struck with the weight of what we were trying to do. How did other people make it work? We weren't the first couple to be going in two different directions all the time. "Maybe we have to set up set times to call. Stick to something?"

"With our schedules always changing, how can we even do that?" Arik put his leg over mine.

"A lot of work. But we are worth it."