41. Arik

high, low, this is just how it goes

it's not my Choice to be this inconsistent in your life

they tell me it's the Only way to survive this

nothing working

i'm scared of forgetting who i aM all over again

play russian roulette with pills

another spin to see if this will fix my brain

what a hopelEss journey

Another city, another hotel room. I loved traveling, but I didn't love getting used to new meds. I kept telling myself they'd make me feel better in the end. Something about the light at the end of a tunnel. We had more time and less time. It was so different from Warped but the same in a lot of ways.

Ser and I sat at a diner at six in the morning. We got into town early and decided to grab a bite before we had to be on the radio to give away VIP passes.

"How are things with…" He trailed off, looking around.

"You're fine. The only other people in this joint are too old to know how to turn on a computer."

He laughed. "Fair, and frankly, even if they know how to get online, they probably can't hear us."

"Woah, don't make fun of them. We are on our way to hearing aids as musicians."

"Shit, by the time I need hearing aids, I will be blissfully not wearing them so I don't have to listen to anyone." Ser spread grape jam on his toast.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

"What?"

I smacked the jelly out of his hands. "Who the fuck eats grape jelly willingly? That's the crap you only eat when there is no strawberry!"

"Wrong. It's better than strawberry. I've always liked grape." He took a second grape from the little dish.

"How the fuck have we been friends this long and I didn't know about your trash opinions about food? This is going to be what breaks up the band."

"You not being able to handle my food choices that don't involve you? My body, my choice, Arik. I'll put whatever trash I want into this temple." Ser went back to his happy spreading.

"What a fucking awful day to have eyes."

Ser lost it, putting his head in one hand and shaking with laughter. "You've spent way too much time on Reddit."

"What the fuck else should I do for twelve to twenty hours on a bus without my boyfriend to fuck?" I picked up a piece of bacon.

"Play video games with the rest of us. We miss you."

"We were more social the last month and a half. But it still doesn't make up for all the hours everyone else was asleep, and I was alone."

"He still slept. What did you do then?"

"Fondled him in his sleep, obviously!" I barely contained a laugh.

"I honestly can't tell if you're being serious or joking, and since it doesn't seem odd to me, now I know I spend too much time on the internet." Serafin shuddered and took a bite of his gross toast.

"You could dopamine detox. Go off your phone for like a few days or a week."

"I'm the one who needs the dopamine detox?" He gave me a flat look.

I hadn't even realized what I'd said until he said it back to me. I scrubbed a hand over my face. "I clearly need more sleep. And no detox. I need more dopamine."

"Why aren't you sleeping?"

"I never do, and these new pills seem to make it worse…" I trailed off as our waitress came to refill our drinks. She looked like a mean grandma, so I didn't really think she'd snitch on our convo, but I couldn't risk it with how everyone was acting over Varian and me.

"Can you get different ones?"

"I'm going to try. I meet with the doc tomorrow. Something has to fucking give. I don't know how many more meet and greets I can do pretending to be a fucking person when I feel like I should be planted in a pot on the wall."

"What does that even mean—no, never mind. I'm not sure I want to know. Again, this would be a great day to have my hearing aid off."

I flipped him off.

missed calls and missed connections.

i wish my propensity to play the long shot paid off but today it's squandered

why am i always Hearing the dial tOne?

your Mailbox is full and a thousand unanswered messages could never have led mE to believe i'd be another wasted quarter

Varian: You okay?

Arik: Peachy

Varian: Why don't I believe you?

Arik: I'm good, just tired. I switched meds again.

Varian: You were only on the others a couple of weeks. Is that a good idea?

Varian: I thought they didn't even start working for a while?

Arik: I felt awful. Worse than before. I couldn't keep taking them. So it was switch or just stop, and since no one liked me off meds all summer we're trying a different one.

Varian: Does that mean your doctor is listening to you?

Arik: He seems to be.

Varian: That's really good!

Arik: It is.

Our conversation felt so sanitized.

Forced even.

Varian: Can you talk?

I hit the video call button since we were waiting for our opening band to go off.

He answered and immediately smiled. "I missed your face. I had to see you."

"I missed yours." This was easier than texting. It almost felt like he was next to me. "What time is it there?"

"Almost two in the morning."

"Why are you awake?" I frowned, not wanting him to miss sleep. He needed it more than me.

"We just got out of the arena. The festival was packed, and we were the headliners, so we played until almost midnight, and then our bus was slammed with fans. No idea how that got out, but we had to have the parking lot cleared to get to it." He looked exhausted. There were dark circles under his eyes and even tiny lines from stress.

"That bad?"

He nodded. "It's getting worse every day."

"Maybe that's a good sign. They are ready for your next record."

He scrunched up his face. "I think it's gossip about us."

"All press is good press." I had to stay positive. What else could we hold on to? "I'm sure it's the music. People aren't obsessed enough to stand outside half the night looking for their favorite band just for a ship."

"I don't think you fully know what we are dealing with, but I'll give you they are super fans." Varian softened a little.

I smiled, wanting to cheer him up before he slept. "See. You're going to be even bigger. It's going to launch you to the next solar system over."

"Why do you always know what to say to make me happy?"

"Because I love you." I grinned, giving him both dimples because I knew he liked it.

"Fuck, I wish I could kiss your dimples right now."

"Come here and get them," I taunted, like he could hop on a plane and be here in time. If only the planet weren't so big.

"I would trade my sun and all the stars to do just that, Stardust."

I basked in the glow of his words. "Right after you finish this leg. It won't be long."

Another six weeks, but who's counting?

"Tell me what your journal post from today means?"

I closed one eye, trying to remember what I wrote. "I honestly don't even remember what it says." I laughed, finding it more amusing than he did.

"Really?"

"It's just a journal post. What I'm feeling in that hour, that minute. Poetry. Random thoughts. Things I've written in my notes. Kiernan wants me to keep doing them because he said it's developed a cult following. I guess the traffic is ‘wild,' or so he says."

"They want inside your head as much as I do. I don't blame them. But it's mine."

"All yours, baby."

His smile returned. Not the full one he gave me in private, but it was enough. "So I shouldn't read into it?"

"It wouldn't be you if you didn't."

"Is it always word games with you?"

"I told you, it's not word games; it's lyrics and poetry!" I wiggled my brows, earning me an eye roll.

"What, are you sitting with a damn dictionary on your tour bus?"

"Close. It's a thesaurus."

He rolled his eyes with a laugh. "Goddamn, I'd give anything to be back on a tour bus with you."

"I don't want a tour bus."

"No?" he asked, brows pulling.

"No, I want a house or someplace private and real time."

"You're right, as per usual. I want that too." He was quiet for a second, almost like he was listening to something far off. "It's nice to actually get to talk to you."

"Right? I feel like we've been missing each other since you left."

"It would be nice to do better. Maybe we need to set times." His expression turned thoughtful. "Like, schedule each other."

"Do you think we could make that work?"

"Why not?"

"Think about how Kiernan will react when I tell him I can't do anything between two and three because I have an hour blocked off for you." I made a face.

He laughed. "Can you please do it while you're on the phone with me so I can watch his head explode? If you loved me, you would."

Joy expanded my ribcage, imagining it. "I missed laughing with you."

"Same." Varian groaned. "I should go try to sleep. We just got to our hotel."

"Goodnight, my love."

"Have a good show."

We did not have a good show. Everything that could go wrong did.

We had a mic stop working, and the backup was dead. Someone hadn't checked the batteries, and it was half a song before it was fixed. Our merch sold out and almost caused a riot, which no one was prepared to deal with. Our manager had never seen it happen, and neither had the label who did the estimates for each show based on some equation that ‘always worked.'

And when I was ready to just go to bed and be done with the day, my parents decided to fuck my shit up.