40. Varian

We parted with a promise to make each other fit into each other"s schedules. We didn't have our Airbnb week because, of course, Arik was entirely booked up, which felt purposeful. But both our managers promised that after the Europe leg of my tour, they would make at least a couple of days happen.

I accepted it, but I knew this industry. Keep him too busy to fuck this up.

I called.

And called.

And called.

"Hello?" Kiernan answered his phone.

"Where is Arik?" I asked, keeping my annoyance out of my tone.

"He's in a photo shoot. I'll have him call you back."

"Is that Varian?" Arik's voice called.

"Yes, I'm telling him you'll call him back— Give him a couple of hours."

"Sure." At least I knew he was getting the message.

But he didn't call me back before we got on our flight. We were playing a couple of shows across Europe, and I wished we didn't have to. How different this felt than a few months ago when I dreaded my downtime.

I landed to missed calls from Arik and a few texts.

Arik: Don't tell me I missed you before your flight.

Arik: Fuck.

Arik: I'm so sorry. The label has us working eighteen hours a day in the ramp up to the single release.

Arik: Safe flight, call me when you land.

I tried to do math in my head. If it was eight in the morning here, that would make it…the middle of the fucking night there.

Our security ushered us into a special customs line and then into a waiting blacked-out SUV. I kept my hat pulled low, dreading the assault of questions about Arik I knew this leg of our tour would bring.

I pulled up his journal.

i miss dark eyes to go chase our Sunrise.

i took a gamble and instead of A rush of chemicals, it's a rush of empty.

i got a pocketful of Daydreams only to turn them to nightmares.

Varian: We just landed. We are on our way to the hotel before our packed afternoon. Call me when you get up and wish me luck with this jet lag.

My phone rang a minute later.

I picked it up. "Hello?"

"I miss you," Arik's voice was thick with sleep.

"Stardust." I dropped my voice, not wanting to do this in the SUV with the other guys. "I miss you too. Why are you awake?"

"I was mad I missed your calls and then didn't get to call you back before your flight."

"Still, you need sleep."

"I'd stay up all night just to hear your voice."

I smiled, all of the warmth he provided flooding back into my chest, filling the tiny cracks that had formed over the last week. "You shouldn't do that."

"You can't stop me."

"It's not good for your mental health not to sleep." But I wouldn't really fight him. It felt too good to hear him.

"It's not good for my mental health to miss you."

I laughed. "Speaking of which, how's the new psychiatrist we found?"

"Better than the last. I'm still feeling him out." He yawned, and I hated I wasn't there.

"Good, but if he does anything you don't like, we can find another, so don't put up with it."

"I know. Thank you."

"How are things with your parents?" I asked.

"I don't know. I haven't been back to Chicago. So they keep calling but I don't have time to deal with it. They've either thrown out my stuff or not. When I have a free couple of days, I'll have to fly back there."

"Let me know if you need help with it. We can pay people or find someone to go get your stuff. I'd go myself, but I don't want to end up in jail."

Arik snickered, and the sound felt so good. It gave me hope this could work. We loved each other enough. "We don't want that. Think about the headlines when I show up to bail you out."

I sputtered a laugh. "Do not bring that up to our managers."

We both laughed.

"Varian, we are pulling up to the hotel."

I looked out the window. "I have to walk in, and there is a crowd. Go sleep, please."

"I will. I promise."

I felt good until later that afternoon when I checked his journal. Then I felt like shit. How could I be there for him when he was going through something, and I was not only in a different time zone but a whole other continent?

Winter ends.

Ice breaks off the lake.

I met you in the spring thaw.

Just in time for you to make me forget it all.

Love in the sweet summer heat.

Nights I never wanted to end.

Fall comes with trade winds.

Pulling us to opposite ways.

I fear the freeze.

The cold with no end.

Numb is worse than dead.

What I'd give to feel again.