39. Arik

Alight switch flipped, and I couldn't pinpoint when, but suddenly, we were mobbed everywhere we went. Warped had to hire more security for the band areas, and if we dared leave the bus at a gas station or a rest stop, we got stopped. Pictures came out of Varian and me shopping for snacks at a stop. Photogs followed our bus between cities, trying to get more. Talk about us riding on the same bus flooded social media.

Every bit of content started us trending, and the rumors about us grew louder. Our managers put restrictions on everything we did and told us we weren't allowed to spend a night in a hotel like we wanted. Varian was told if he rode with us, he couldn't get off the bus.

The walls were closing in around us, and the more we tried to hide, the less it worked. Pictures of me watching Varian from the side stage for every single stop circulated. They analyzed anything we did. From the writing to what we wore, and God forbid, a picture of any part of our tattoos got out. Those were all documented, like this was some criminal investigation.

How many fans had walls of all the connections with string linking them? And the worst part was they were right, and our management was trying to gaslight everyone out of the observation. So instead of being able to be proud of all the ways we showed love, we had to hide them.

It took a toll.

"What are you doing?" I asked as Varian pressed his face into the back of my neck. It wasn't sexual, and he wasn't kissing me or rubbing up against me like he so often would.

"Recharging."

"Huh?"

"I just need to feel you. To ground myself."

"Does that help?"

He nodded silently, slipping his arms around my middle.

I put my hands over his, sinking into the moment.

"You always help."

Times like these I wished only we existed. Or that we were a straight couple, so we didn't have to be concerned about anyone else caring who we loved.

"I'm not even mad we can't go out with all of them tonight." I wrapped one arm around my back, wanting him to stay just like this.

It was rare alone time for us. The bus was empty because the other guys were out at some club, and we could be naked, but my parents had called because they wanted to ruin my night.

"Me either. I'm so drained from thinking about everything we do." Varian's breath warmed the back of my neck.

"Me too. It feels like everything makes it worse."

"It does. Now it just looks like we are avoiding each other in public to quell the rumors. Why anyone thought you going to my shows and then suddenly stopping wouldn't get people talking…" He rested his chin on my shoulder.

I turned enough to rub my cheek against him. "Maybe they'll get bored when we aren't touring together anymore, and it will get easier."

"We can only hope."

"Something has to give because now my parents think I need ‘help' after seeing my goddamn tattoo and the rumors about us. Like I'm only gay because I have mental health issues."

"Have they said that?" He turned me in his arms.

"Not in so many words. But they keep asking me if I'm taking my meds and then about you and our ‘friendship.'" I'd been avoiding telling him how bad they'd gotten, but I couldn't hide it any longer, even if it led to questions I didn't want to answer.

"Do you think you should go back on them?"

I hadn't expected that question. "I told you, I threw them out on my way out of town."

Varian's eyes widened for a half-second. He schooled his features, trying to appear unbiased, but I knew the look. I'd gotten it for years. I think everyone who's ever been on psych meds knows it. Judgment mixed with a hint of ‘are you going to lose it any second?'

"Say it," I said, not even angry, just resigned.

"Say what?" Varian looked genuinely confused, which I loved him for.

"Something about ‘is it safe to be off those?'" I said, trying not to take out my feelings for my parents on him.

"That's not at all what I thought. Why did you throw them out?"Maybe it was good he felt more comfortable asking me about them, but that didn't make it easier to admit what a mess I was.

"They make me feel like a fucking zombie. I told you, I can't write. I feel hung over."

"And you told your doctor that?" he asked.

"Yep. They told me it was normal."

He grabbed my hips, pulling me in to straddle his lap. "Not every med works for every person. Maybe you need a new doctor who's going to listen to how you feel and work with you until you find something that helps manage things."

"I think looking for a doctor like that is like looking for a unicorn."

"I'm sure it is, but there are good ones out there."He rubbed his thumbs over my hips.

I rested my forehead against his. "You have more faith in humanity than I do."

"Yes and no. Differently." He teased his fingers under the back of my shirt. "Let's look for someone to see when we finish Warped."

"What do we even look for?"

"Reviews. We can check recs on forums and stuff. I'm sure we can figure it out." He slid his hands up to encase my ribcage. "Since they won't let us get a hotel anywhere before the end of the tour, I'm telling both John and Kiernan we are taking a week off before they force us in different directions. Someplace where we can't be photographed and can just have some peace."

"Do you think you can actually make that happen?"

"I'm not giving anyone a choice, including you." He made slow circles with his thumbs. "I need you inside me."

I shifted, getting harder than I already was. "We're alone."

"I'm making big romantic plans, and you're trying to make me give it up on a tour bus!" he said playfully, cupping my face.

"Look at us switching roles. How the turns have tabled."

He laughed and rubbed his thumb over my lips. "I love the way you look at me."

"You're everything I've ever wanted in a person. How could I not?"

"You make me feel sexy."

"Why?"

"The straight guy who couldn't keep his hands off me." He smiled, and I swore I fell in love with him again every single time he did.

"You are sexy." I pressed my lips to the side of his neck. "Why do you think I can't keep my hands off of you?"

"You're delusional, but never stop."

"I don't plan to." My heart picked up speed as we kissed, moments slipped away, and I knew we didn't have many more nights like these.

"I miss you," Varian whispered.

"I'm right here," I breathed.

"I already miss you." His words hit. I knew what he meant. "I almost forgot. I got you something."

"What did you get me?"

"Let me get it."

Varian made me get up and went to the bunk we'd given him to keep his stuff and dug around in the pocket of his jeans.

"In front of the mirror." He came up behind me and slipped a necklace with a charm around my neck. "A little dopamine for when you need it."

"Is this the chemical symbol for dopamine?"I touched the little chemical symbol

"Yes." He met my eyes in the mirror.

I fingered the delicate metal. "You can't be cute after getting me all worked up because now I'm going to end up crying while we mess around because I have all the feels."

He laughed, but his eyes darkened. "Would you want to mess around in front of a mirror?"

"You want to see how we look together after being in the dark of my bunk so much, don't you?"

He swallowed, then nodded. "It's hard to see all of you when we are in a cramped space."

"We've fucked in bathrooms and the shower."

"It's not the same. Those are quickies. Now we have at least an hour and the whole bus."

"Then tell me how you want me." I loved teasing him.

He shoved me into the mirror, grinding up against my ass. "I want to watch you fuck my throat in the mirror."

He didn't have to ask me twice. I turned on him, opening his jeans, and dragged down his boxers so his cock sprung free. I wrapped my hand around it, stroking him.

He shoved me into the mirror again so hard I was shocked it didn't break, but he didn't strip my clothes off. Instead, he watched as I finished removing his clothes.

His tongue slid into my mouth, deep and thoroughly, before speaking breathy words into my mouth. "Take out your cock."

I leaned back at an angle, jutting my hips out to give him a show. I unbuckled my belt, taking my time dragging my zipper down to fully expose myself.

"No boxers?"

I shook my head. "They leave lines when my jeans are this tight."

A guttural sound filled the back of his throat. "You kill me."

"You like when I do that?"

"Yes," he said through another groan.

"Why?" I asked, needing to know. I got off so hard on turning him on.

"Because it's just knowing I could unzip your jeans and touch you whenever I want. Any place I want."

"I like when you use me because you can't stand not to touch me another second." I throbbed so hard I wasn't sure how long I'd last.

"Good, because I feel like that every minute of every day." He crushed his mouth to mine, body following.

I couldn't get a word in, and with the way he worked his hips, I didn't want to stop him with thinking. I wanted all of this. I changed my grip and wrapped my hand around both of us, stroking us together. He hissed and bit my lips. I flipped us to our sides and took a chance releasing our dicks to grab his ass, opening up his view so he could watch.

He took notice, meeting my eyes in the mirror before lowering them to the show. "Arik…" He dropped his head to rest it on my shoulder, watching our bodies grind and cocks slide. "Fuck. We look so good together."

"You're right," I said after a heated minute.

"What?" he asked.

"I'm not straight."

He picked up his head, looking into my eyes like I'd made some big revelation.

"Now get on your knees so I can watch myself slide down your throat."

In a sexy show of obedience, he dropped to one knee and then the other, presenting his tongue but not taking hold of my cock. "Feed it to me."

I wrapped my fingers around my base and rubbed my glistening tip over him.

He wrapped his lips around my head, sucking, driving me toward ruinous oblivion. He stroked himself off while he took me deep, putting on a full show in the mirror.

I twisted my fingers in his hair, and his lips stuttered around my dick.

It was impossible to deny I was entirely fucked. I was so stupidly, intoxicatingly in love with Varian.

The worst days are fixed with the right star in your sky.