43. Arik

Iwas flying high the days after Varian left. We forced calls. I checked my phone every free second I had. I woke up to updates.

Varian: We are heading up to Neuschwanstein on our day off.

Varian: I want to buy this castle and live the rest of my life here.

Varian: This is the most beautiful place I've ever been. You need to come back with me one day.

A series of pictures joined the texts, and he looked good, too. Better than he had when he'd showed up here. It gave me hope. I wore a smile before I even got out of bed.

I hit video call to see if he'd answer.

Varian picked up, putting an earbud in. "I'm on a tour. I have to be quiet."

"Do you want me to let you go?"

"No, it's private, but I don't want John to flip." He gave me a look, and I laughed. "Let me show you the view." He stepped into the wind and flipped his camera around to reveal the most breathtaking view of a valley from what looked like a balcony on top of a mountain.

"Are you in the Alps?" I think that was the mountain range there.

"The castle is up the mountain. The walk is a bitch."

"You should have been a lazy fuck like me and taken the horse-drawn carriage," Fox called, waving from behind Varian's shoulder.

"I wasn't going to snuggle up with you and my brother and John." Varian's lips pulled as he fought off laughter.

"So you can be gay with him, but not with us. That hurts." Fox winked and stepped out of the camera view.

"See what I have to put up with?"

"Can't be that bad if you are touring castles. I'm in Florida, and it's been raining since you left." I wished I could reach through the phone and cup his face.

"Still, I bet it's warmer there than it is here."

"Much. It is the South. How is everything else going?"

He lifted his shoulders and tilted his head side to side. "I can't complain, other than I'm not there. How is it there? The meds stabilizing?"

"They are good. I feel good. Other than missing you."

"That's good!"

I nodded. "You coming really helped."

"I hate this cold turkey shit. It sucks. I don't want to quit you." He grinned.

"Arik. I need to talk to you," Kiernan's voice asked next to the curtain.

"Give me a second." I dropped my voice. "And here comes the wet blanket."

"What's going on?" Varian asked.

"Kiernan needs to talk to me."

"Want me to stay on the phone?" Varian asked.

"If you want to hear, you can."

"I do—shit, no, I got to go finish this tour. Text me about it, okay?"

"I will. I love you." I hung up and got out of my bunk, pulling a tee on. "What?"

"What did you two do in your little twenty-four hours?" Kiernan had his arms crossed.

"Nothing."

"Did you go anywhere?" he asked, like he was accusing me of a crime.

"First off, I'm a fucking adult. The way you're talking to me is so out of pocket after I've done everything you, the label, and the publicist have asked."

"I'm not trying to—" Kiernan made a frustrated sound and shoved a hand into his hair. "That's not how I mean it. I just want to know what the damage is."

"What are the photos even of? We didn't leave the fucking hotel room until we went to the airport and both got on fucking red-eyes." Why couldn't we do anything without it causing an issue?

"I just got a heads-up from your publicist that there are photos for sale, and they are asking if you want to comment. They are being tight-lipped on what they are. Maybe it's nothing just to get a comment, but considering they know Varian was in the country…"

"Fuck." I linked my hands behind my neck. "We were backstage, in a car, then in the hotel, and we went in the back and up a service elevator. I cannot imagine what there can be pictures of."

"You didn't have dinner in the hotel? Go on a walk?"

I shook my head. "We did not leave the room. We ordered food, and I got it so more people weren't seeing Varian."

Kieren was quiet for a minute. "Someone must have seen you, then camped out until you left."

"What do you want me to do? Live like a fucking caged animal? I was as careful as possible."

My phone buzzed.

Varian: There are pictures. Is that what Kiernan wanted?

Arik: Yep. I'm getting the third degree, like I've done something fucking wrong.

Varian: John is being nice about it, but I can tell he's not happy.

Arik: At least he's treating you like an adult with free will.

Varian: He's probably getting less pressure than Kiernan is getting.

Varian: Give him a break. I'm sure he doesn't want to be the dick that has to pull this shit.

Arik: I know he's cool, and it's not his fault. But it fucking blows.

And i miss it

sun shine

the high of another person

Love notes

messages Left on MY tour bus

staying up all night to watch movies

but life doesn't slow down for my highs or Lows

life goes On even when we don't want it to

Vibrant Ecstasy escaped to live the mundane.

A few days later, a set of rules was handed down from on high. No walking in together. Arrive and leave at different times. No posting about it on social media. We had to be in a different city than we had performed in. No more liking each other's social media posts or commenting on them.

"Varian has been commenting on my posts since I started the journal. You don't think this is going to backfire?This is wild, you know that, right?" I said after Kiernan briefed me. "No one should have to live like this."

"I don't know why you are bothering with rules. Why not just move Arik around in a trunk?" Serafin deadpanned.

"It would probably be fucking easier than abiding by this shit."

"It's worked for a certain girl who didn't want to be seen for a year because of her reputation. I'm just saying."

I laughed, and I needed it. "Are you gonna carry it? We don't have that kind of money to hire some big, sexy guys."

"Listen, Kiernan, Hael, and Koa could. I can't risk breaking a finger." Ser shook with laughter.

"Fuck you. I'm too old for that. I'll throw my back out." Kiernan shook his head.

"Should Hael call you Granddaddy from now on instead of Daddy?"

Kiernan held up a middle finger. "Don't put that on me! I'm thirty-nine."

"I mean, if the shoe fits…" I side-eyed Ser, flopping down to sit next to him.

The end of this leg came and went. Our time didn't happen. I knew it wouldn't. I felt it building like the creep of sleep paralysis. One minute you're awake and the next you're asleep, but not fully. Frozen in time to watch the horrors slip in.

Seeing him became harder, not because of the rules but because the entire deck was stacked against us.

It's hard to keep it together when everything is keeping you apart

the things that keep Me up at night:

is this the way it ends?

if i called, would you answer?

will this pain in my chest ever get any better?

if you knew how much this is killing me?

how i've memorized the times for every red-eye.

words we said

how many more years before the minute hand moves?

if our quantum entanglement wasn't meant for this Lifetime

if the universe is playing pranks On me

if all of this is too much to post on the internet to Strangers

goodnight

good morning

I'm gonna pray these pills kick in

Not that they will

or i'm Going to pray I don't wake up

words They fail me.