35. Arik

My nerves burned raw. Not only from the rollercoaster of emotions we went through, but now being here with Varian and how close we were to what felt like this monumental step.

"Fuck." He pressed his face into my neck. "Say that again."

I loved him for asking me whether I was comfortable, but I didn't want to talk anymore. I wanted—no, needed—to dive in. To do the thing I'd been terrified of. I didn't want to lose my nerve or to hurt Varian again.

"I'm going to make you come for me."

His fingers tightened on my back as he heaved with a guttural gasp. I lived for the sounds he made. I'd carry them on my mind along with every touch to my grave. Marks in time when I felt most happy.

"I need—" Varian arched, jerking his hips up in an aggressive grind.

Heat pooled at the base of my spine, hitting me in a flash. "If you don't get these off of me, I'm going to come, and I don't want to."

"You don't want to come?" He inched down my boxers.

"Not before I've gotten a chance to feel all of you." I lifted enough so he couldn't grind against me in an encouragement to hurry up while tearing down his boxers.

He took the hint and stopped toying with me, shoving off mine and then his.

I looked into his dark eyes as I lowered back down. His head came off the cushion to find my mouth, blunt nails dragging over my scalp while our bodies slid together. A silent shudder overtook me, the ecstasy of him beyond words. Each time our cocks touched, time stopped.

I threaded our fingers together, raising his arm above his head while my lips wandered over skin. Jaw and throat. Collarbones, tattoos, nipples. I wanted to taste all of him. I nipped at his pit and bit over his heart.

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuuuuck." Varian lifted, seeking out contact, grinding his cock into my abs.

On a whim, I reached between us to take him in hand. He was a little longer than me but not quite as thick. He was silky-smooth and leaking. I rubbed my thumb through it, spreading it down his shaft. It felt a lot like jacking myself off but almost like I was using the wrong hand.

Varian hitched and moaned, pumping his cock through my fingers. I fed off his reaction to me, rolling my wrist.

"You're going to— Arik—" He could barely get words out.

I swept my tongue into his mouth, quickening my pace. He kissed me with abandon, like he was trying to climb inside me. His thrusts turned frantic, face relaxing, body contorting, and he'd never looked so beautiful. Angelic even as his orgasm overcame him. He pulsed in my hand, spilling over my fingers and his chest.

I don't know what I'd been scared of. Maybe it wasn't his dick at all but knowing I could never go back. Once I was his, there was no room to ever belong to anyone else.

Varian owned me utterly and completely.

"I don't think I've ever felt so good in my skin," he said when he could breathe again. We hadn't stopped kissing or moving, but it was slower now. Less rushed. "I've never felt so seen."

"I love who you are. I wouldn't want you any other way." I traced my fingers over his lips, kissing the corner of his mouth.

He smiled fully, the way he stopped himself from doing in public because it pulled at his scar. "Now you have to let me return the favor like I've been dreaming of."

I swallowed hard.

He must have seen the look on my face because he let out a full-throated laugh. "I'm not asking to fuck you."

I nodded, at a loss for words.

"I figured you'd be the one fucking me,"Varian said with a smile.

"Is that the way…" How did I even word this without sounding like a straight guy who had no idea what he was doing?

"I'm vers. I like being fucked as much as I like fucking. It won't be a hardship to have you inside me."

My cock pulsed between us, clearly liking the idea. "But will you want to?—"

"I'm very happy having this with you." He flipped me under him.

I hadn't been expecting it. My thighs stretched open, allowing him to press between them. My heart beat wildly. The vulnerability stuttered my breathing, but I tried to force my body to relax. "What do you want to do?"

"Taste you." He slid lower, licking and sucking a path to my aching cock.

This, I was used to. This, I could handle. A blow job was a blow job.

How fucking wrong I was.

His tongue slid over my head, and I almost came right then. He smirked, sucking on just my tip, tongue curling around me, before dipping into my slit. I bucked, and he put his arms over my hips, anchoring me in place, taking all the control. This was nothing like Nicole or any other woman I'd ever been with. He looked up at me, obviously pleased with himself, and he swallowed more of my shaft.

"Holy fuck." I twisted my fingers in the long strands of his hair, keeping it out of his face so I could watch.

He hummed a groan, vibrating pleasure through my cock on a spiritual level. I wrapped my legs around his back, like I could somehow fight the hold he had on my hips and drive further into him. He smiled, pulling his lips tight around my thickness while looking up at me. It drove me fucking crazy.

He was rough and eager. He wanted it. This wasn't a chore to finish me, and the idea worked itself into my brain. I loved it.

Finally, he took me in fully, nose pressed into my groin, and he stayed there for a full second before pulling back to let me fall from his lips.

"Jesus, Varian."

"I like when you say my name." He swirled his tongue around my head.

"I love your mouth, Varian."

He grinned. "Now that I've had my fun, I'll let you fuck my mouth."

I short-circuited. "What?"

"You heard me."

"Are you serious? Doesn't that stuff only happen in porn?"

"You sweet summer child. There are lots of people who like giving head and like getting their throat fucked." He proved his point by taking me all the way in again while releasing his hold on my hips.

I almost couldn't help it. I ground my hips into his chin, making him take every last inch, and he delighted in the task, swallowing me down.

I lost it. Gone on Varian. The snap of pleasure forced my hips deeper, and I drove into him over and over as I came.

I collapsed into a sweaty mess, and Varian crawled up to lay alongside me, but that wouldn't do. I turned into him, pressing my face into his chest.

There was an art in the way we came together. In the small touches. The slow drag of fingertips and the lingering connection. I'd never experienced anything like this with a woman. There was no comparison and that scared me.

These were the core memories I wanted. I wanted a lifetime of giving each other little moments of happy between the heartache. Wasn't that the point after all?

It felt like too much to ask.