36. Arik

Ifelt it coming on. There is nothing quite like watching your sanity start to slip but you're already strapped into the ride and can't get off.

Or maybe I just finally acknowledged it, but on the third night of no sleep, I had to admit to myself I was on a manic high. I'd been on and off meds for years and hated them all. I'd tossed the newest bottle down the trash shoot when I moved out of my apartment because I knew there was no way I'd make it through this tour as a zombie.

I didn't want to fall into the cliche rock star pill cycle, either. If I took something to sleep, I'd need a pill to wake me up, and that was a dark hole I wanted no part of. Mental illness was such a bitch.But I buried it down deep, to ignore it as long as possible so I could enjoy every minute of time with Varian.

We'd spent two nights holed up in the back lounge, but Kiernan and Hael beat us out on the third, so Varian and I were back in my bunk, which made fucking around a lot harder.

"There is no room in here for anything," Varian said in the rush of an exhale with our clothes halfway off.

"At least it's a condo bunk. Can you imagine trying to do this in a smaller one?" I rolled us to our sides, trying to shove his pants off.

"We need to go to bed with less clothes on." He took us both in hand, stroking languidly.

Pleasure filled my throat, contorting the words I was trying to say. "Like that wouldn't make it more obvious."

"You can't be that loud." He put a hand over my mouth. "There is only a curtain between us."

"You can't stroke us together like that and expect me to be quiet." I attached my lips to his throat. "You're going to be the end of me."

"A good end, I hope."

We devolved into a sweaty mess of trying to make each other come in a space the same size as the inside of a coffin. We were entirely made of desperate ruts and breathless grunts.

"No wonder Hael and Kiernan hang out in the back lounge. At least there is a fucking door." Stopping wasn't an option, though. We'd put this off so long, now that we had it, every time we touched, it was frantic. I barely kept my hands off him in public. In private, it was impossible. "I need to talk to the guys before they figure it out," I said at length.

"Do you think they haven't already?"

"I'm hoping everyone else is asleep or at least has headphones in."

"That's balancing a lot on a hope and a prayer."

"I know. Hence, me needing to tell them." I broke apart, taking in the space.

"Don't stop." Varian was on me, one knee between mine, rubbing his dick into my hip.

I grabbed his ass, encouraging it for a minute before I came back to my senses. "I'm trying to figure out a better way to do this… Can you sit?"

"Maybe if I was six inches shorter." He bit my pec. "I don't think you could, and you're shorter."

"Can you half sit up against the pillows?" I got up on one elbow, scooting against the back wall to give him some room.

"Probably. But what is that going to do? We'll hit our heads if we try to make out like that."

"Trust me."

Varian stacked the pillows behind him and then adjusted. "Okay, now what?"

I shifted to lay between his thighs. "I thought I'd try sucking your dick."

"Just like that. Mr. Doesn't Think He Likes Cock is just going to put one in his mouth?"

"Now who's getting loud?" I tried not to laugh but was unsuccessful.

"Answer the question, Stardust."

The pet name hit me in the chest in a way I didn't understand. My tone and voice shifted, struck with honesty and emotion. "I liked it when you did it, and I want to taste you."

His fingers brushed over my cheek. "What changed?"

"You called me Stardust."

"Do you hate it?"

"Much the opposite." I shook my head. "Where did it come from?"

"It's what you are. Magic in the air."

"If that doesn't deserve the best head of your life, then I don't know what does." I tentatively wrapped my hand around him.

His dark, heady gaze was fixed on me as I swiped my tongue across his tip. He gasped. "For the love of everything holy…"

His cock tasted as good as the rest of him. Spicy and fresh. Like sunrises and dopamine. He contained all my happiness.

I tried to mimic the things he'd done, sucking on his head while also doing what I liked. "How's that?"

"So fucking good. But you don't have to keep doing it if?—"

I cut him off by taking him into my mouth a little deeper while stroking. "I told you I want to."

"I know…" His fingers found my face again. "I'm pretty sure I lost consciousness there for a second."

"Does that mean I should stop?"

"Not on your life!" His hands were all over me. My head, my neck, my hair, everywhere he could reach. "Nothing in the world should feel this good. Christ, and that doesn't even begin to describe how hot you look there."

"Have you imagined it?" I spit on his cock and spread it with my fingers.

"Maybe once or twice, but it's nowhere near close to this." He made a strangled gasp when I took him into my mouth again while rolling my palm up his shaft. "My Stardust."

I couldn't take him into my throat like he did to me, but I worked him up nice and slow and then sped up. A moan broke in his chest, encouraging me. His pulse hammered under my tongue, throbbing through his cock. I'd never wanted anything as badly than to make him come just like this. Hands tangled in my hair. Eyes on my lips.

He surged forward, forcing more of his cock into my throat. I swallowed, barely holding off my gag reflex. His bucks became erratic, aggressive, seeking, and finally, he exploded.

I lost myself in the sensation, entirely enveloped in Varian's orgasm. His pleasure flooding my system.

"You are exquisite."

"Now you're talking nonsense." I kissed the inside of his thigh.

"How could I make any sense? There's no oxygen left in my lungs, no blood left in my veins. I think you sucked it all through my cock."

He slept, but my brain wouldn't let me.

In the hours my mind wasn't fixated on Varian, it spun through the hundred things I had to be anxious about. Top of the list was talking to my parents.

When he began to stir again, I rocked my hips into his side.

"Again? We've hardly slept."

I lifted my shoulders. "I can't help it."

"I think I need to close my eyes for a few before round three."

"You sleep. I'm going to make coffee."

"Don't go. You need sleep too."

"I can't. I've tried."

"Can I convince you?"

"How?" I asked.

Varian wrapped himself around me in a very convincing argument to stay, and I did until he snored softly. I kissed his temple and found my sweats. My boxers were lost in the tangle of the sheets, and I didn't want to disturb him.

After carefully pulling them on, I climbed out of the bunk, blinking past the bright light. I held up my hand, shielding my eyes enough to get used to it.

I found coffee already made and looked around, finding Ser tucked into one of the booth seats. "Morning."

"Morning."

I looked at my wrist, but I'd taken my watch off. "Early for you to be up."

"We stopped moving, and I can't sleep without the sway of the bus."

I laughed and slid into the bench across from him. "I'm shocked we're here already."

"Wasn't too long a drive. Only like six hours."

I yawned, lifting my arms above my head to stretch. "Fuck, I'm cramped."

"Why don't you give Varian one of the junk bunks? You both would probably sleep better." He turned his mug in his hands, not meeting my eyes.

"I wouldn't want to have everyone move their stuff," I hedged.

"I don't think anyone would mind. There aren't that many of us, and Kiernan is never even in his. He can turn his into junk if he complains."

I didn't want that to be the case either, hoping to claim the back lounge at least sometimes. "I don't sleep much anyway."

Serafin gave me a look. A knowing look. "Why aren't you sleeping, Arik?"

I kicked myself for not just telling him to begin with. I held up a middle finger.

"That's what I thought." He brought his mug to his lips. "So…men?"

I guess the secret was out. "That was a surprise for me as well."

"Was it?" Amusement played over his lips. "So you aren't or weren't bisexual? I figured that's why you were spending so much time with him since our release."

I screwed up my face. "If I say no, I know what kind of look you're going to give me, so I'm going to say it's just him or that I have some, like, repression going on that I need to unpack in therapy." I laughed, because what else could I do?

Ser wasn't judgmental at all. He seemed more intrigued. "And you're cool with the whole dick thing?"

"I thought that was the part that would give me a hang-up, but let me tell you, I'm really into it." I sipped my coffee, contemplating my life choices and how I got here.

"That good?"

"It's totally different. Better, actually. I don't know if that's our connection or our friendship, but Jesus fucking Christ." I smirked into my coffee, wanting to give him details like I would with a chick but deciding against it. I liked having Varian to myself.

"You're making me want to give it a whirl," he said, like we were talking about trying a new ice cream flavor.

I did a double take. "Bi-curious?"

"I think so." He lifted his shoulders. "I'm a rock star. I can't totally rule it out."

"Fucking fair. But believe it or not, I was hanging out with him because we clicked and I saw him as my best friend. This is a really unexpected turn."

"Is it that unexpected? He's been making puppy dog eyes at you since LA. I'm glad it's worked out."

"No…"

He nodded. "Oh, yes, he has been."

"And none of you told me?"

"We figured you knew. He's been sleeping in your bed for Christ's sake."

I pointed at him. "I might deserve that, but I thought you had my back. Clue a dumbass in next time."

Ser rolled his eyes. "I still can't believe he's good enough to make you not straight. Don't let that get out. The queer haters will start to think turning people is actually possible."

"It is possible," Varian's voice called, still thick with sleep. He appeared a moment later, hair a mess.

I scooted in, making space for him on the bench. "Ser knows. So we don't have to hide it from the guys."

"What made you tell him?" Varian took a seat and slid his arm around my shoulders.

"We are obvious, I guess."

"And sleeping in the same bunk." Varian took a sip of my coffee and made a face. "Goddamn, that's too sweet."

"And loud," Ser added.

"Sorry about that." Varian's color pinked.

I suppressed a growl. "I'm not sorry. Fucking Kiernan and Hael hogging the back."

"Well, you all need a rotation or something because I need my beauty rest,"Ser muttered, not really sounding annoyed.

"What do they need a rotation for?" Koa asked through a yawn.

"For the back, so I don't have to hear them."

"Word. You are loud." Koa poured himself a cup of coffee. "Anyone else need one?"

"Me, or I'm going to go into a sugar coma," Varian said. "Please."

"Milk?" Koa held the pint over his cup.

"Please."

"I guess I have to learn how you like your coffee since you've become a permanent member of the band." Koa set it in front of him and took his cup to the sofa across from us.

"Huh?" Varian glanced around. "Permanent? My bandmates might object."

"Because you're fucking one of ours." Koa winked.

"Oh, so this is a poorly kept secret," I said, taking it in. "Okay, then."

"Dude, we live in, like, thirty square feet together. I'm not sure how you thought you could keep it on the down-low. Not to mention the way he looks at you." Koa waved at Varian, who went even more red.

"Guess I need to learn a poker face."

"A poker face and to tell me how you make people gay. That some magic from your people? I've always wondered how that asshole dad of yours is famous. Magic would make sense." Koa kept a straight face, but I lost it, used to his dry humor after being in a band with him this long.

"Magic would make sense." Varian scoffed. "But with Arik, I just whisper stuff at him while he sleeps. Make him think it was his idea." He turned toward me with a huge grin.

My mouth dropped. "Excuse me?"

"What? You unhappy I made you gay?" He nudged his shoulder into mine.

"Fuck you." I narrowed my eyes. "What else are you whispering at me while I sleep?"

Ser and Koa cracked up.

"That you love to give blow jobs."

"Well, that clearly worked, too… Now I'm scared."Going over what else I suddenly loved.

Varian's throat worked as he stifled a groan.

I smirked.

* * *

"What are you doing?" Varian asked as I pulled the cap off a Sharpie I'd stolen from the front lounge.

"Nothing." I couldn't keep the laugh out of my voice.

"I don't believe you," Varian said but he didn't pull his arm away. "Are we back to this?"

"You said you liked it. Do you want me to stop?" I stilled the marker.

"No, but I want to know what you're writing."

"You'll see in a minute." I finished the word on his forearm and then went over again to make it thicker.

He twisted around in his seat to crane his neck and make out the words. "You win? What's this for?" He wasn't mad.

"Your subliminal messages worked. Would you rather have a gold star?"

He grabbed my face with both hands and kissed me. "You asshole."

"Don't you mean Stardust?"

"Of course I do." Varian stayed there, leaning into me.

"Good thing I got you to make out with me." I circled my arms around him, keeping him there.

"Proud of yourself over that one, are you?"

"A little." I dragged my teeth over my lip.

"I'm pretty sure I seduced you, not the other way around."

"Does that make me the easy one?" I don't know why this amused me as much as it did, but it still felt like a flirtatious game.

"Not quite as easy as I'd like you."

My brows rose. "Do you want me giving it up to just any guy?"

He glared, biting my lip. "Don't even tease me."

"Don't worry. There never will be." I exhaled. "We need to go play. You coming to watch?"

"You know I am."

"Let me just change my shirt." I walked back out, patting my chest like I was feeling for something. "I've lost my dopamine supply. Can you help me out?"

"You rat bastard. You told me you'd give that shirt back."

"I like wearing it."

"You're wearing my shirt onstage?"

"If I can't claim you publicly, I'm going to do it the ways I can."I wanted to mark every inch of him, let the entire world know who he belonged to.

* * *

We didn't hide in our bunk after the show. We stayed in the front lounge while the guys played video games. It felt good to be out in the open. Varian fit right in, and he kept smiling with his arm around me.

I took a photo from the show and uploaded it to my journal with the caption: my best friend gave me a little dopamine for whenever I need it.

"What are you doing?" Varian asked, like he could tell I was up to something.

"Looking at tattoos. I think I want to get some stars."

"Get them in the shape of a galaxy. That would be sick."

"Which one?" I searched them on my phone.

"Maybe we should both get one, make it our thing."

"We're like a constellation. Nice to look at but probably dead for a million years. Our atoms forced apart by the black holes that suck out our life and energy."

"Or burning for a billion years, twin stars orbiting each other."

My chest got warm. "I like that better."

"I thought so. I call Andromeda." His eyes lit swirling with something.

"Now I'm looking up what it means."

"It means ‘written in the stars.'" His voice dropped, like we could have a private conversation in a room with the guys. They were so engrossed in their game, maybe he was right.

"Then what should I get?"

"The Fireworks Galaxy. The fourth is coming up."

"We're more than fireworks." I played with his hair, turning more into him. "I need something better." I pulled up galaxy photos and listed them off. "Virgo Stellar Stream, Eye of Sauron."

"Don't look at their names. Look at what they mean. Like Medusa Merger."

"Because we collide?"

"Exactly."

"How about Circinus Galaxy. It's shaped like a V for Varian and it spews hot gas." I laid my head on his arm.

He rolled his eyes. "Here I am being romantic, and you're talking about gas."

"I guess I should skip the Black Eye Galaxy too."

"Now you're just making them up." He took my phone out of my hands. "Butterfly. It's like two kissing."

"Let me see."

He turned the phone around.

"That's perfect."

"Your mom's calling."

"It's like one in the fucking morning…" My heart stopped as I picked up the call. "Hello?"

The person on the other end sounded hysterical, but I couldn't make out what she was saying.