33. Arik

Home / Goodbye Note / 33. Arik

Goodbye Note

J.R. Gray

Ithrew myself to the ground on a random blanket, fighting a visceral tangle of emotions while trying to find the will to breathe.

Another tattoo to maybe make me feel like my skin wasn't the worst thing.

I frayed at the edges, not sure where we went wrong.

Every relationship I'd been in failed and it's me.

I know it was.

Sometimes I think I'm not worthy of love.

When I started to come down, I went back to the bus, but I couldn't make myself get into my bunk. It smelled like him. I was too restless to sleep, anyway. I went over and over our conversation, still not sure where it went wrong.

I took wet wipes to the sofa in the back lounge and sat in the dark, alone, trying to figure out what the fuck was wrong with me. A couple stumbled in, so hot and heavy they didn't even notice me.

Wow.

I watched for a minute in shock before trying to figure out how to make my exit when I felt his eyes. So dark they were nearly black. I don't know how I knew it was him, but I could feel it. Maybe it was the way he took in air. Or the shape of his shadow I knew so well.

But his eyes weren't on me at all. They were on the pair who'd quickly progressed from making out to her sliding off his lap to between his knees.

Did he think that was me?

Could he not tell?

He made a soft sound, so soft that, had I not been watching him, I wouldn't have heard. A muffled growl strangled in his throat. Would he come in and interrupt? Claim what he wanted? I was fascinated by the idea.

The more I thought about it, the harder I got.

He took a step back, another growl building, but this one hurt. It was laced with pain and went straight to my heart.

I was on my feet in an instant and not quiet about it. I didn't care if the pair heard me. But Varian was nowhere in sight.

Where had he gone?

"Varian?" I rasped in a harsh whisper.

"I'll leave you alone."

"Look again. Neither one of them is me."

"I thought—" He cut himself off.

"You thought I'd go hook up with some girl?"

"A little, yeah. You aren't into men?—"

"No, they stumbled in while I was sitting there trying to figure out how we got into that stupid fight?—"

He grabbed my face, cutting me off with a kiss.

My world stopped, finally made right.

We broke apart, breathing hard, and he stepped back.

"Stay with me please." I reached for any part of him I could grasp to stop his retreat. He'd only just touched me, and I craved it on such a deep level I couldn't even put it into words.

"Don't do this to me," he whispered, the strain in his voice evident.

I stopped my pull but didn't let go of him. "Don't do what?"

"You know."

I couldn't make out enough of him to read his expression. As well as I'd gotten to know him over the last few months, I didn't have any idea what he was talking about. "I don't know what you mean."

He pulled at my grip again, but I refused to release him. "Don't fucking play with me, Arik. You're my best friend, but I can't handle this. I want you, and the rejection is killing me."

"I'm not rejecting you."

He stared at me but didn't say anything.

I looked up to try and read him again.

Finally, he spoke. "What are you saying?"

I shook my head. "No one else has ever understood me the way you do. It's easy with you."

He closed his eyes. "This doesn't seem easy. You've barely touched me."

"Come here."

"You said you don't want to fuck in your bunk. This is why I can't stay. I can't do this over and over." If the bus hadn't been totally silent, I wouldn't have been able to hear him.

"Just stay."

"Why do you want me to stay?" He wanted words, and I wanted to show him.

Terror crept up my throat and locked my joints. Only my heart was able to push past the paralyzing fear of opening up, and it raced, drowning out Varian's breathing.

"I want you touching me," I croaked, my mouth dry. "I've not let anyone touch me since Nicole except you." I couldn't. Not after what she'd done to me. "I want you to..."

"You want me to what?" he asked again.

I kissed him again, but it wasn't rushed. A slow slip of the tongue. A tentative press, scared of rejection. His hands found my hips, and his lips parted, welcoming me into his mouth. How many chances would he give me to fuck this up?

I shoved a hand between us awkwardly, like I'd forgotten how to do this. I didn't go for his button but for his cock. He was half-hard but throbbed the second my fingers tightened around him.

"Arik…"

I smiled against his mouth. "Yes?"

"Where?" His words were barely more than a growl.

"Where what?" I teased, roughly jacking him off through his jeans.

"Tell me where I'm taking you before I strip you here."

My chest constricted, choked with arousal. I loved this side of him. "Let's kick them out of the back lounge."

the notes hit different when we're alone

hold up, this Is another song

not the way the notes normally go

we became stardust

tangled and mixed 'Til i don't know where you end and i exist

So if you drew me a map, maybe i'd get back to where i can think without having a thought about You