31. Arik

"What is this stunt?" Kiernan asked through his teeth.

"What stunt?" I asked from where we chilled, all sprawled out in the grass on blankets. We'd ‘borrowed' a speaker from a roadie who was taking molly with us, and the music was low with plans to turn the field into a makeshift rave once the drugs hit.

"You two with matching ghost shirts?"

"They were funny!"

"They have the rumor mill spinning up again."

"They are going to talk about anything now. We'd have to stay away from each other to get them to quit."

"We are in a really fragile place with the label. They are planning this huge tour, and we don't want to lose their support because they think the public won't support you anymore."

"If anything, it will make fans go more crazy. I thought all publicity was good?"I said through my teeth.

"It's delicate. We don't want to give them the wrong idea or"—he looked me over—"Confirm anything."

"I hear you." I cracked a glow stick and tossed it at him. "Maybe you should take some molly and chill out."

Kiernan narrowed his eyes and then looked around. "What?"

I grinned, knowing it would hit in the next twenty minutes or so and be too late for him to do anything about it. "What?"

"Did you guys take…" He dropped his voice to finish, "MDMA?"

"You know how you said you wanted to try molly?" Hael asked coyly, coming up behind Kiernan.

"Me trying something doesn't mean babysitting all of you fucks while you take it." Kiernan flexed his jaw, annoyed.

"Keep drinking that water and you won't have to wonder." Hael winked at me.

Kiernan spun on him. "What did you do?!"

Hael lifted his arms, hips swaying to the music. "You told me a week ago you were too scared to do it and I'd have to force you. That sounded like consent."

"Fuck." Kiernan scrubbed a hand over his face then cracked open the water bottle and chugged the rest. "I better not be that far behind you."

"You won't be." Hael closed his eyes, crooking a finger at Kiernan. "I gave it to you at the same time I gave it to the other guys. You got about twenty or thirty minutes depending on how fast you drank most of that bottle."

Kiernan fought a smile but shook his head. "Fuck, wait. This is the worst night for this!"

Hael's eyes snapped open. "Why? I'm going to make it worth your while."

"Because John just asked me if all of you were over here. He's trying to hold off Victor St. James." He paused. "Worth my while?"

I sat up and cut in, "What?"

Varian twisted from where he'd been reading next to me. "No."

"No shit," Kiernan said.

"The fucking Warped tour manager is with him. They are friends or something."

"I'm not letting that fuck ruin my high."

Serafin pushed to his feet. "He's not getting near you."

Fox, Bronx, Hael, and Koa followed suit.

"We're all about to be off our heads. How the fuck are we stopping him?" I asked, joining them.

Ser held up a hand. "We'll figure it out. You stay with Varian and Vallen. We'll get as many guys as we can to stop him. Mob style. I'm going to go talk to Deep End; Hael, you're friendly with Green Tops—go talk to them; Koa, you get Fire and Coal. Who do you two know?" Serafin asked Fox and Bronx.

"I'll get the guys from P.H. Dizzle and Grampa Style."

"I'll talk to Two Girls One Band and Bed Bath Beyond The Grave."

"I got to warn my brother," Varian said when they'd all left. "Where did he go?"

"No idea." I glanced around. "Shoot him a text?"

Varian sent him a quick text before flopping onto his back. "If that fucker ruins my night…"

"He won't. They won't let him, high or not."

"Let's walk. I can't sit still feeling like this." Varian offered me a hand and helped me to my feet.

We wandered the makeshift rave as the music turned up, glow sticks cracked, and people danced.

"It must be starting to hit," I said.

Varian nodded. I hated how quiet he was.

Tingling took over my whole body, and a kind of happiness I'd never experienced. Like nothing I'd ever felt mattered. The weight of anxiety lifted off my chest, and I could breathe without the crippling feeling. My entire life and body felt lighter.

"Is this how people feel all the time?" I heard myself say from far away.

"What?" Varian asked.

"The happiness." I tipped my head back. "Fuck, it feels so light."

His grin spread. "I don't know, but it's fucking sexy."

I forced my eyes open, not sure when I'd closed them. "What is?"

"You feeling good. It makes me happy."

"You make me happy." I grabbed his shirt, tugging him closer. I moved with the music, not even trying to.

"Do I?" He moved in, body brushing mine, lighting up every spot he touched.

"More than you know." I closed my eyes while my entire body vibrated. Like I was a spirit trapped in a shell, bouncing off the walls.

I had the sudden urge to take off my shirt, bare skin connecting with the atmosphere.

"You can't do that."

"Why not?" I asked, loving the way he looked at me.

"Because I lack all self-control when I'm around you." He pressed in closer, and we moved together, lost in the music. It resonated through every molecule of us, ricocheting and rebounding, connecting us deeper than I thought possible.

A kaleidoscope of colors hit me like a train, derailing our sway. I stumbled, but Varian caught me. His hands were ecstasy. I felt every emotion all at once and all the choices I'd made that brought me here.

Brought me to Varian.

He kept one fist anchored in my shirt while the other slid under my chin, tilting it up. Our lips touched, and I was hard as fuck.

Bodies collided.

No reserves.

My hands were in his hair.

The first slow slide of his tongue into my mouth.

His taste. His hand tightening on my jaw. Every noise he made that I created.

He surged forward, slamming me into something metal, knocking me breathless. I liked it. We ground together, creating flames or colors or maybe something else.

Life was too short not to feel this good all the time.

I was so fucked. Here with just him, it was impossible to ignore how in love with him I was. How much I wanted to be the person he needed. To do all the physical things with him no matter what it meant in the light.

My hips jerked forward, getting my first feel of him rock-hard against my cock. The torturous slide together with way too many clothes between us.

"We can't." I felt the words swirl around me, mixing with the music and the movement of my body. None of me stopped. I wanted this.

He wanted this. But the last rational part of me knew we couldn't have pictures of us out like this.

"I don't want to stop."

"Me either." I grabbed his face, trying to regain the moment. "But there are too many people here."

"Let's go on the bus."

I nodded, trying my best to straighten my clothes.

We got lost on the way, pulled into dance circles and torn apart only to fight the tides to come back together, and finally, we made it into the bus.

In the front lounge, there were people making out, and in the back was what appeared to be the start of an orgy.

"There's nowhere to go. At least not alone." I sagged against my bunk.

"We could go in your bunk?" Varian pulled open the curtain. "Why are there condoms here?" He picked them up.

"I don't know."

"How do you not know?"

"They aren't mine." I didn't like what his words suggested. "How would I fuck anyone else? When would I have the fucking time? I spend every minute with you."

"Do you miss it?"

"Miss what?" I didn't know what he was asking me or expecting with this line of questioning.

"Sex."

"I wouldn"t be here if I didn't want to be."

"That's not a fucking answer," he said coldly.

All the joy I'd felt drained out of my fingertips, replaced with ice. "Do you miss it?"

"Of course I do."

"Sometimes I miss getting off. But it's not really easy," I said, realizing this might not be about his needs at all. Was he questioning mine? I didn't know what was going on or how we got into an argument at all.

"Then why do you fight it so much?"

"We are never alone. We live on a bus with other guys and are traveling with a thousand plus people every day. Where do you expect me to even have a minute to even feel comfortable?" I hated every second of his doubt, but maybe I deserved it.

"No one is paying attention to us tonight."

"You really want it to happen in there? I don't even think there is enough space." I didn't want to lose this high, but I felt defeated.

He kissed me again, and I indulged it for a moment. "I just want you."

"I want you too,"I whispered.

"How can you even say that? I don't understand. You say you want to be with me, but you hesitate on the actual being with me part. It's starting to feel like you don't actually want me. You just don't trust anyone, and you don't want to be alone."

"It's not that."

"It's too hard. I feel like I'm your fucking comfort pillow. I can't keep doing this."

The anxiety returned tenfold, hitting my chest like a ton of bricks. "You've never been that to me. You're my best friend."

"And I'm starting to think that's all I'll ever be."

"That's not what I want," I said softly, my breathing getting ragged.

"I'm fucking frustrated."

"And you think I'm not?"

"You haven't even touched me. I've gotten you off."

"We got off together, and I haven't been with anyone else. You're not the only one who's horny and sexually frustrated." I tried to focus on breathing, but my head was too fuzzy and wouldn't focus on anything, including getting oxygen into my lungs.

"Are you ever going to touch me?"he asked.

"I was touching you!"

"Only high."His words were flat. Cold.

"I'm trying to figure this all out. I'm trying to figure out what I'm into. I'm trying not to be lonely. I'm not trying to hurt you. That shit freaked me out." Words came out too fast, and I'm not sure they made sense or what I was even saying.

"Maybe you should go fuck a woman then, so you can figure out if you even like me or if this is just happening because you're bored."