30. Varian

"It should be easier to get drugs on a fucking festival ground." I pulled at the Saniderm covering my tattoo. We'd gotten our ink, but we couldn't find any harder drugs to save our lives.

"Everyone's broke at this point."

"How? They are selling merch. Isn't everyone flush by now?" I decided to peel off the bandage since the itch was getting to me.

"Most of that goes to gas and laundry and shit unless they are raking it in. Not everyone is killing it like we are." Val tossed his controller aside and leaned forward to watch as I revealed the tattoo.

"Bro…" Vallen shook his head. "Bit obvious, don"t you think?"

"Obvious of what?"

"It's a little ghost carrying stars. You don't think everyone is going to instantly going to relate it to Arik."

I lifted my shoulders. "It"s on the back of my arm. With a shirt on, no one will see it."

"What did he get?" Val didn't seem mad, more resigned.

"Who said he got something?"

"You both were going to get tattoos. So what did he get?" Val paused, then corrected, "What is his ghost carrying?"

I started laughing.

"Christ. That means it's bad. It better not be the dopamine symbol."

"It's not!"

"Fuck. What's worse?" Right at that minute, Arik decided to walk onto the bus. Val snapped at him. "Let me see it."

Arik got a coy little smile, showing off his fucking dimples. It wasn't right for him to be that good-looking. He turned the inside of his arm so Val could see his little ghost.

Val shoved off the bench seat to get a better look. "Is that a little hazardous chemical symbol?" He shot me a look.

"It's combustible chemicals." Arik burst out laughing as he said it.

"You fucking two. I thought they told you to lay low."

"We are. These are tattoos celebrating the tour." I knew my brother would see through my argument, but I had to stick with the defense Arik and I came up with.

"For each other?" Val asked.

"We are best friends," Arik replied smoothly.

Val rolled his eyes. "Whatever you say."

I side-eyed Arik to make sure he wasn't freaking out over what Vallen thought. He seemed chill, which made me breathe easier.

"What's the plan for the rest of the morning?" Arik asked, strolling into the kitchen to dig through the snacks piled up on the counter.

"There's juice for you in the mini fridge."

He froze, then turned on me. "What?"

"Apple and orange." I smiled because I'd been waiting days for him to figure it out.

Happiness bloomed over his face, reaching his eyes. "You didn't have to do that."

"Yes, I did. We've been spending more time here, so I wanted you to have your morning juice."

"You." He grabbed one of them and went to crack it open but stopped and crossed the narrow space to hug me. I pressed my face into his chest from where I sat. He pulled back and took a drink. "So what's the plan?"

I lifted my shoulders. "No idea. We have sound check at some point, and I have a lead on a plug."

"Please do not do drugs before getting onstage." Val pinched the bridge of his nose. "I can only imagine you two tweaking and trying to lick the walls."

"You mean speakers, and then he's blowing his eardrums." Fox stumbled out of the hall sans shirt.

"Could be worse. He could lick the drummer," Bronx added.

"Is that worse or better?" Fox grinned, getting down his customary two boxes of cereal and adding both to one bowl.

"Fruit Loops and Reese's Crunch?" Arik's upper lip curled in disgust.

"Tastes good." Fox held out his spoon. "Try it."

Arik stepped forward, opening his mouth.

I growled.

They all turned to look at me. Vallen burst out laughing, and the rest followed, which made Arik spit cereal and milk across the bus.

Val jumped back, wiping his face and still laughing."You motherfucker."

I lifted my shirt to wipe my face, holding up a middle finger with my free hand. "Fuck all of you. You are going to be cleaning up little droplets of milk for days. And all of you better help so it doesn't smell like sour milk in here."

"Why do I have to help? It's not my fault!" Arik was still fighting his laugh.

Another growl rumbled in my chest. "Because you took a bite of Fox's food!"

"That a problem?" Arik asked, and his smug grin told me he fucking knew it was.

"Yes," I said through my teeth.

"Why?" Fox blinked innocently. "Explain it to me like I'm five."

My jaw flexed.

They got to work mopping up milk and picking up little bits of cereal from every surface of the bus.

"Your phone is buzzing," Val pushed it toward me.

I picked it up, expecting it to be spam, but froze when I saw the name flash across the screen.

Piece of Shit Calling

I held it up to my brother. "What the fuck does he want?"

"I haven't spoken to him."

I clicked ignore and tossed my phone on the table. "Fuck him."

A message came through.

Fuck.

Fuck.

FUCK.

"What's wrong?" Arik noticed the change in my behavior immediately.

But I couldn't speak. I couldn't force myself to find words. My hands shook, and my body went rigid. Never in my entire life did I think…

Bile rose in my throat, and my knees banged together.

"Varian." Arik grabbed both my arms, looking into my eyes. "Did you take something?"

I shook my head, swallowing again and again, trying to make words happen. I looked away. I didn't want him to see me like this, like a weak and unsure of myself. I hated how that piece of shit could do this to me. I hated myself for allowing it still, all these fucking years later.

"Varian." He grabbed my chin, forcing me to look at him. "I'm worried about you."

Val picked up my phone. "Is he fucking kidding?"

I swallowed a few times, trying to find my voice. "Of course he's not."

"What the fuck?" Arik asked.

Val turned my phone around so he could read it.

Piece of Shit: I'll be in Nashville for a show tomorrow and I thought I'd get in a day early and come to your gig since your mother's birthday is coming up. I thought you, your brother and I could get dinner. It would be good to catch up. – Dad

"What kind of douche signs his text messages?" Arik sat next to me, slipping an arm around my shoulders.

"Our fucking father who doesn't know how to use his phone." Val scoffed. "He probably didn't even write it. I bet his guitar tech did."

"What the fuck do I even say?" I pulled my knees into my chest and leaned into Arik.

"No?" Arik suggested.

"I like that. No is a full sentence." Val paced the bus. "Bastard."

"He hasn't messaged you?"

Val pulled out his phone and held it out to me. "Have a look. He hasn't said a word to me."

I tossed his phone on the table without looking at it. "I believe you."

Vallen nodded. "You know he's going to show up no matter what."

I pressed my eyes closed. "How the fuck will I go on?"

Arik squeezed my arm. "Want me to go on for you?"

"Would you at least be there? Onstage or something?" I looked into his eyes.

"Of course."

Val rubbed the back of his head. "He could get backstage passes. He knows everyone."

"The guys and I can play defense to keep him away from you two."

"We will," Fox chimed in between bites.

"If I wouldn't go to jail, I'd punch him right in the mouth," Bronx spat.

"I'll get Second Star on it, too."

I shook my head. "You can't do that. He's not right."

"What is he going to do? Pick a fight?" Arik squeezed me into him.

"He fucking might," Vallen replied before I could.

"Let him try," Arik said.

"That. Let him," Bronx added.

I wiped my eyes. "Thanks, guys."

* * *

I hadn't eaten all day, and my stomach had twisted itself into knots by the time we were slated to go onstage. I didn't know how I was going to keep playing if I saw his fucking face.

Dylan came over with Vallen's guitar and helped the strap over his head. "You two are next," he said to Arik and me.

"Oh, let me just take off this extra shirt I have on." Arik pulled one off, revealing another underneath.

It read: Ghost friends forever because even when I'm dead I'm haunting you.

The ghosts were holding up their middle fingers.

"But wait." Arik turned around and showed me the back. It had ‘Star Boy' printed in bold letters.

"How the fuck did you get that so fast?" All I could do was laugh. It released some of the tension in my muscles.

"I had Lindsay do it." Arik grinned, all proud of himself. "Want yours?"

"You made me one?"

"Obviously." Arik pulled it out of his back pocket and held it up.

It read: Ghost secret club. You can't see us, we're invisible.

It had a ghost giving a peace sign.

Then he flipped it over to show me the back: Chemical Smuggler

I lost it and tried to pull my shirt off but got tangled in my fit of laughter. Arik had to help me get it off so I could put on the new one. We barely got it done before Dylan was trying to hand us our guitars.

"Like it?" Arik whispered as we walked out onstage.

"I love it." I loved him.

I needed that love to get me through tonight, because the second the lights came up, I spotted my father.

He sat in the VIP section with a beer in his hand. He raised it like a fucking salute to the mark on my face.

Arik took his place right next to me and spent the entire forty-five minute set within reach. He didn't play around with Val or any of the other guys. I wouldn't have made it through the night without him.

We went off after the encore, and I leapt at him, sweaty ghost shirts and all, wrapping him in a hug. "Thank you."

"I love you. He doesn't have to because I always will. You can count on me for that forever. Fuck him."

I melted into him, too overcome with emotion to say anything, but I clung to his arms, pressing my face into his hair. He wrapped his arms around my middle, hugging me tightly to him. It soothed my soul.

I wondered whether he knew how much this meant to me. How much he meant to me. I hated opening my heart to another hurt because how could we really make this last when we were both barely into our twenties? Could anyone really expect to even stay friends with someone that long?

"I don't deserve you," I said at last.

"You do deserve me. That's what you need to learn. You deserve so much better than what that asshole offered you, and I'm not allowing you to settle for less."

"Not allowing me?" A smile played on my lips, and I started to feel more like myself.

"Nope. I'm going to have to vet any motherfucker who likes you too much to make sure they aren't an asshole." He doubled down, and fuck if it didn't make me half hard. I was going to have to learn how to dial back and control this crush because if he kept talking like this, I was going to be hard all the time and that would get awkward fast.

I kissed him, there in the dark, knowing we could be seen by someone, but I didn't care. "I love you too."The weight of what we said not fully sinking in.

He smiled into my lips, cupping my cheeks. "Let's go tear down so we can go do all the drugs."

"I deserve drugs after this."

"We both do."

We got all packed up, and both our bands got together to do all the molly we'd scored.

While we waited for the drugs to hit, I saw an alert that Arik had updated his PocketJournal.

i used to always think i'd miss the cold, but this summer has me loving the hot and Miserable

every day Is more beautiful

i think i might be in love again

rip to me

send flowers for my grave because I might Not survivE this

As soon as I read it, I melted. I took a screenshot and saved it to a hidden folder in my phone. I wanted to ask him about it…but did I dare?