29. Arik

It took a full five minutes locked in the bathroom to get my heart to stop racing. I'd believed the worst in those seconds. That we were about to be exposed. How the fuck did I face my sexuality being dissected by the masses before I understood it? I pressed my head against the flimsy wood door, hearing Varian and Vallen whispering to each other. I trusted him, but I wanted to know what he said about it. About me.

But I didn't dare leave the solitude for fear of…what?

What kind of weak-ass shit?—

I cut off the line of thinking, remembering what Varian told me. I'm allowed to feel what I'm fucking feeling, goddamn it.

What were those feelings?

Fear. Overwhelming fucking fear. Hurt. Embarrassment. Shame. I was fucking ashamed for running away and basically ditching Varian, even if it was to his fucking bathroom.

My parents would be so pissed if pictures of me naked made it into their sphere. Traditional was no joke. They'd come here and kill me themselves if my grandmother saw something like that. The reality of what I was doing sunk in. I'd never have privacy again. Anyone could talk, take a video, or say anything they wanted to TMZ, and I'd have to deal with it.

I stopped in my grief, realizing what Varian had dealt with his entire life. How the fuck did he trust anyone?

He trusted me.

I slumped back against the sink. Whatever I'd done to earn Varian's trust that first night, I thanked God.

I forced myself into the shower, keeping it cold and quick, knowing Varian had to get in here, and there was only so much water. I stole Varian's products and calmed myself down enough to get out of the shower, only to realize I hadn't even asked for a towel.

Fuck my life.

A knock startled me.

"Need a towel?" Varian's coy voice came through the door.

"Thanks." I stayed behind the door, opening it a sliver.

His smiling face came into view. "Bet you need clothes, too."

"Hand them over and stop being so smug about it."

He held out the towel, and I tugged it from his grasp, about to close the door when he said, "Let me in."

I stared. "We just nearly got caught…"

"They all went to bed." He pushed, and I let him open the gap wide enough to slip in.I kept the towel between us, clutched to my chest. "You okay?"

I shrugged, breaking the eye contact. "Are you okay?"

"I haven't let it sink in. I don't want to." He was being honest.He reached for me, and I took his hand. "Don't leave."

"I'm here."

"You ran away." His voice carried agony.

"I couldn't—" I swallowed thickly. "I didn't want to lose it in front of them."

He nodded, chewing over my words. "Okay. Please don't run away." Pain worked through his jaw. It flexed, and his eyes closed.

I could only imagine he had some sort of abandonment trauma that went with his childhood, but it had to be immense. I grabbed him, pulling his body to mine. He surged forward, like he'd been waiting for the invitation, and pressed his face into my hair, chest heaving.

"You're okay. I'm here," I said against his cheek.

"I thought you'd never speak to me again." He exhaled and deflated.

"I'd never do that. You are stuck with me for life. Everything else aside, no matter what, we are friends wherever life takes us. I promise."

He picked up his head and looked into my eyes. "I promise too." A shuddering convulsion overtook him, and he stepped back, half leaning on the vanity. "You lost your towel." His tone changed, and his gaze dropped.

I narrowed my eyes slowly, bending over to pick it up, taking my time to wrap it around my waist. "I was taking care of you."

"Does that mean I shouldn't look?" His grin returned. It was one of the things I loved about Varian. His smile didn't waiver, and it always came back. And after what he'd been through, it was a noble thing.

"I never said that." I lifted my chin, crossing my arms over my chest, feeling a little like we were in a game of chicken.

"Good. I like looking at you." He tilted his head to the side, dragging his gaze over my chest again.

My skin heated under the stare. "I need clothes. Hope you don't mind if I borrow some."

His lips pulled, highlighting his scar in the fluorescent light. "I don't know whether to tell you to fuck off or kiss you."

"So hostile. Problem with me in your clothes?"

"It's hot."

I grinned, slipping out of the bathroom and running into Lindsay. "Sorry."

She gave me a double take and the same once-over as Varian had done. "No need to apologize."

Varian stood in the door of the bathroom wearing a scowl. "You can change in the back lounge. I'm sure Lindsay will be in her bunk."

She looked between the two of us. "Yep."

The guys in Dopamine-Fiend had their stuff in hanging organizers. Something I had to tell the guys about if we ever did another tour. I rummaged through Varian's shirts, looking for one that would annoy him the most. I found one of their band tees. This had to be from the first run of merch.

I tugged it on as Varian pushed open the door.

"I've always liked this one. I'm borrowing it."

"You better mean borrow and not steal. That's the only one I have." Varian's lips drew tight. I liked it. More than I should.

"You own a brand and don't have more than one?"

"It's old as fuck. We were too broke back then to keep anything." He leaned against the door frame in only his towel.

"You want to get in here looking like that."

"Like what?" he asked.

I dropped my voice. "Like Lindsay will eye-fuck you like she did me."

"She does that to everyone. You get used to it."

I grumbled. I didn't like anyone looking at him.

Varian stepped around me to get at his own clothes, and his towel began to slip, exposing part of his ass. I could have left, gone to his bunk, but I stayed, pressing the door closed. He didn't bother with boxers, pulling shorts on under his towel. After living like a band for years, all of us knew how to change in a room full of people and not flash everyone.

I couldn't believe I was watching. Wanted to watch.

When he turned, I tore my gaze away, looking in the mirror. "I like how this fits."

"Don't you fucking even think about it."

"Maybe if you're good, you'll get it back then."

He stepped up behind me, chest bumping into my back. "I have to be good to get my shirt back?"

"You heard me."

A dopamine shot straight to the brain keeps me coming back for more.

Sunrise isn't so bad when you have your best friend to watch it with you.

Pink purple and blue splashed across the sky give new meaning to life.

* * *

Days passed, and we'd taken to spending a lot of our time in the back lounge, which meant fighting Kiernan and Hael for it, or John and Lindsay, who always seemed to be hanging around Dopamine-Fiend's bus. We spent more and more of our time there while the other guys took to using the front for movies or video games. When we lost the fight for the lounge, or it was too hot, we found spaces outside, either on our blanket or in the cheap tent Varian found abandoned after one of our shows. Others drifted in and out, and alone time was scarce, except for the long hours between cities.

"We need to have a band meeting," Kiernan said as we were finishing up sound check.

Varian's attention lifted from his phone.

"What about?" I asked.

We'd been on high alert since the photos of us, making sure to not touch anywhere we'd be seen. It put both of us on edge, and I hated the space it created.

"Our next move after Warped. The label didn't expect your record to blow up so big, which means instead of a couple of months off, they want to add some bigger venues to the front end of the planned tour."

"Planned tour?" I asked.

"You haven't been around much," Serafin said, unplugging his guitar so the next band could get onstage for their check. "It was going to start in January, but now it's looking like we'll finish up with Warped in October and then go into gigs for November and December."

"This is great news and a really fucking big deal. They are booking bigger venues with the expectation all the smaller stuff will sell out too quickly." Kiernan knew how to sell it. "So we need to sit down and discuss logistics and contracts, then when the label wants you back in the studio."

"Right."

We stowed our gear and made our way back toward the bus.

"A tour already?" I said to Ser.

"This is when they plan these things. We have to announce, and on the heels of a successful album is the best time for ticket sales."

"Isn't that really fast?" I couldn't wrap my head around it. I glanced at Varian, and he smiled.

"Labels have whole departments to help with this shit. They have all the contacts, and touring is the best way to promote the album." Serafin put a hand on my shoulder. "This is what you wanted."

"It is. I'm just…" Imagining how my parents would react when I dropped out and then didn't apply to law school. "Who are we even touring with?"

"They haven't worked out opening bands yet."

I stopped. "Say that again."

Ser turned to look at me but didn't find me and had to turn around to find where I'd frozen. He started laughing. "We're headlining our own tour."

"You're fucking with me."

"He's not, and we are getting a better bus!" Kiernan called.

I shoved my hands into my hair, feeling like the only one having an honest reaction to this news. "What the fuck has happened?"

"Your number one single and your album sales! Get used to it. You guys are gonna be superstars." Kiernan yelled without breaking stride.

I turned to find Varian. "Can you believe this?"

"I told you." He shoved his hands in his pockets, probably so he didn't pull me into a hug.

"What the fuck do I do? It doesn't feel real."

"We should celebrate."

"How?" I asked, unable to contain my smile.

"Tattoos! And drugs." Varian got a glint in his eyes.

"That's every day. Well, not the tattoos, but the drugs." I had to laugh.

"No, we should do something more fun. Like Molly or X."

I kicked at some dandelions, sending the white seeds exploding all over. "Have you—um—ever done drugs like that?"

"I have. Have you?"

I shook my head, feeling like the most innocent twenty-one-year-old ever. "No."

His mouth spread into a bigger grin. "Will you let me break your cherry, then?"