24. Varian

Shock locked my muscles, and it wasn't until his tongue teased against my lips that I forced myself to move. My hands over his, pressing into my cheeks. Our tongues met, and I got my first taste of him, pulling a groan from my throat. He smiled at that, pleased with himself. I didn't have to see him to know how smug it was.

He liked that I groaned.

I forgot how to breathe.

I moved my hands to his hair, running my fingers through his curls, grasping the back of his neck. I wished it wasn't so dark. That I could see the way he looked at me. Have some security in his eyes. A part of me still believed this couldn't be real.

We broke apart but stayed forehead to forehead. Both of us gasping. His fingertips dug into my cheekbones, to the point I feared they'd leave marks. I selfishly wanted them while my hand slipped around to grip the back of his neck with just as much force.

I tried to kiss him again as my breathing slowed, but he turned his face. Only a little, but enough to make my lips find the edge of his mouth. "Arik?" Fear edged into my chest, constricting it.

"Sorry." He closed his eyes but didn't pull away.

"Don't be sorry." I forced myself not to clutch him tighter. I couldn't be desperate. No one liked fucking needy.

He stroked his thumb over my cheekbone. "I don't…"

"It's okay." I didn't even know what I was trying to absolve him from.

"It's not." He pulled back, slipping from my fingers. "I think I'm…lonely." Sorrow poured from him as he leaned back. He pressed his palms into his eyes, rubbing them.

"It's hard to be on the road and alone. I get it. I am too." I searched for words, not sure any of them would help. He knew I liked guys, so did this make me look like I was just trying to hook up with him? I hated that the idea might even be in his brain.

"Fuck, I'm sorry." Arik was spiraling. I could see it plain as day.

"Why are you sorry?"

It was like he didn't hear me or process what I'd said.

He just went on. "I don't want to fuck up our friendship, and I know I'm lonely. I'm so sorry I crossed a line like that. I don't know what came over me."

"It doesn't have to mean anything," I said, already feeling my world closing in.

Why did I lie? But I'd have said anything in that moment to make it not stop.

His gaze flickered to mine, searching. "What do you mean?"

I lifted my shoulders, reeling. What was the right thing to say? I didn't fucking know. "It's just making out. It's not a big deal. Friends can make out, right?" I shut my mouth. I sounded like an idiot. Fuck.

"Can they?"he asked.

"Why not?" I had to double down now.

He dropped his hands away from his face. "But I'm not…"

"What?"

"I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm tired. We should go to bed…" He trailed off, fucking with his hair.

"Do you want me to?—"

He cut me off before I could finish. "No. You said it's not a thing, right?"

I nodded, not sure what I should even say. "I can take the couch…"

"I don't want to get up early. I haven't slept in days. I think I need to be in my bunk…" He searched my face, but I didn't know what he was getting at. He didn't want me to go, but he wanted to be in his bunk.

"What are you saying?"

His lips parted, but he didn't speak right away. "I don't want you to go."

"Okay…" What else could I say?

He pressed past me, shoulders brushing, and pulled open the heavy curtain to his bunk. He glanced back, giving me a long, lingering look before lifting himself onto the mattress.

I stepped forward, putting sweaty palms on the edge of the cubby, waiting to be told no, but he moved to the back wall and clicked on the TV screen. I slipped into bed in one quick motion, stretching out on the mattress but staying far away from him, which wasn't easy to do on the tiny twin without falling out. I pulled the shade, draping us in the low light.

He messed with the tiny screen, putting on a movie I didn't recognize. It didn't matter what it was, just background noise. All the bands had started trading disks around after the first two weeks, sick of what they brought and desperate for anything else. So we always ended up watching a mismatch of questionable taste.

He had his eyes on the screen and didn't say a word, so I adjusted my pillow, figuring it was best if I tried to sleep and forget about it. If I started overthinking now, I'd never sleep.

"Are you even attracted to guys?" I said stupidly before I could make myself sleep.

"Maybe?"

"How is that a maybe?" It's attraction, right? You know or you don't.

"I don't think I've ever liked dick. It kinda freaks me out. But I like guy's chests and…"

"Say it," I demanded, more harshly than I'd meant to.

He turned his head, searching my face. "I liked kissing you." He said it almost defiantly.

I stared at him, not sure what to say.

"You can tell me to get fucked and that you're not my experiment." He returned his attention to the movie.

"I didn't say that." An edge came with my voice. Like we'd tiptoed over some unseen line, both of us trying not to offend the other.

"Maybe I'm just lonely, like I said. I'm not trying to be a shitty friend."

"I didn't say that either." I paused for a second, then added, "What makes you think you're being a shitty friend?"

"I don't think most people want to make out and cuddle with their best friend. I don't want you to feel like I'm using you until I find a girl."

"Did I say something to make you feel like that?"

"I don't think anyone wants to be used. People want commitments, not experiments." Arik still wouldn't look at me.

"We're both single. We spend a lot of time together. It's easy. There's nothing wrong with it."

That got his attention. He rolled toward me. "What are you saying?"

"What are you saying?"

"No." He shook his head. "Tell me what you mean."

My mouth went dry. "What's wrong with a little making out between friends?" I tried to play it off like it didn't mean anything to me, but I felt like he could see through my words. He knew me better than my brother. He had to know I was lying.

"And it's not an issue for you?" he asked carefully.

"What isn't?"

"That cock freaks me out."

"No," I said much too quickly. "What did you want out of this?"

"I like how you feel wrapped around me. And I like kissing you."

"So let's do that. No strings attached." I scooted closer to him so he didn't see me getting hard.

He put his hand on my waist. "Are you sure?"

A shiver ran down my spine, sparks igniting where his fingers pressed. "Everyone needs to be touched. There is nothing wrong with that."

He shuffled closer, leaving us barely a breath apart. "I like when I wake up cuddling you." Arik's admission was totally unexpected.

"Yeah?" I brushed my fingers up his arm. "So cuddling and kissing? Is that what we are talking?"

He swallowed, throat bobbing, sending my mind down a spiral of obscene thoughts. "For now."

What did "for now" mean? But I didn't have time to think about it because his lips tentatively nudged into mine. This wasn't anything like when he'd kissed me before. That was rough and needy; this was slow and meek. A side of Arik I rarely got to see. He was always so sure of himself.

I slipped my tongue into his mouth. Another taste of him. This one better. Cinnamon gum and remnants of the cologne he always wore. His grip tightened on my waist while mine found the side of his neck.

My hard-on got painful. It ached under my sweats, but I didn't dare push forward to rub against him, too aware of his feeling about dick.

He broke the kiss, laying his head on the pillow but not releasing me. His lips were red and swollen.

"Everything okay?" I asked, not wanting to push it.

"Perfect." His pupils nearly swallowed his irises, and a smile played on his mouth.

I pressed forward, lifting up onto my elbow to join our mouths. He beamed, letting me feel the taut edges of his grin. All the doubt in my head vanished as his hand moved from my side to my hair, keeping me there. A soft moan passed from his lips as he deepened the kiss, inviting me closer. This position was easier, half hovering over him, my hips a safe distance away, hiding my erection.

And I thought I had a good handle on it. On the balancing act between this being enough and wanting so much more…until he spoke.

"Can I take this off?" He tugged at my shirt.

How many parts of me would I sacrifice to make him happy?

All of them.

And I knew it was wrong.