23. Arik

We left our phones and went into the world untethered. Explored, took cabs for cash, and let opportunity lead us.

"Go on the Ferris wheel with me." Varian grabbed my hand for the second time today, and sparkles went off in my chest. Almost like I was nervous, but why would I be nervous?

I knew I didn't want to let go.

"I'm scared of heights! I don't want to go up there," I said offhandedly, letting him drag me closer to the ride simply to keep our hands joined.

"You're not saying no."

"What does ‘I don't want to' say to you?" I asked when he turned around, taking my other hand while walking backward.

Varian got quiet, and his feet slowed to a stop but a grin edged around his mouth. "I won't make you, but I want to go on." He loosened his grip on my hands, but I didn't want him to.

"I'll go." My heart beat so hard it freed itself from my chest and lodged in my throat. I told myself it was because of my fear of heights, but I knew I was lying as I stepped foot in that metal box, my hand still in Varian's.

We took our seats and dread set in.

I pulled at my shirt, too warm even in the cool night breeze. Lights spun around us, rides and games whirling, but I couldn't focus anywhere but the guy who sat in front of me. I rubbed my hands together when he released me, my palms sweaty.

"You okay?" He bit his bottom lip and glanced from my hands to my face.

"I'll survive." I put on a brave face, forcing a smile to my lips.

"I don't believe you." He lifted his chin, leveling his gaze at me.

"You don't believe I'll survive?" I laughed, shaking my head, but instantly stopped as the wheel lurched forward.

"Not by the way you're acting."

"What? I'm fine." I swallowed, still trying to get my damn heart out of my throat.

"Your death grip on the seat says otherwise." He nodded at my hands.

I hadn't even realized my fingers were pressed into the metal. I pried them off one by one, going back to rubbing them, but then we rocked. The sickening swing, like the whole damn thing was about to capsize, made my stomach flip.

Warmth pressed in next to me, and Varian's arm slipped around my shoulders as he squeezed into the tiny bench beside me. "I'm sorry." He rested his chin on my shoulder.

"No, you're not," I managed, still not willing to look out the windows, but the whole damn thing was glass. Nowhere was safe, so I looked at him instead, but we were way too close. I hadn't realized. I couldn't look away.

"I'm a little sorry, but this is nice." He grinned like he could light up the whole sky.

"Is it?" There was the heart in the throat thing again, and the lightheadedness, and none of it made sense.

"I think so…" He chewed his cheek.

"Me too." I inhaled slowly, nostrils filling with vanilla, the fresh scent of my body wash, and a hint of sweat.

He searched my face, the lines around his scar relaxing as his anxiety eased, then morphing, pulling into a smile I was happy to see.

I shifted, sending the whole car swinging. "Fuck. See why I hate these?"

"Just focus on me," he whispered right behind my ear.

My entire body sparked with it. A meteor shower in my mind.

What the fuck was I feeling?

I'd never felt this way with anyone else.

Heat from his skin burned against mine, awaking parts of me I didn't know existed. Warmth crept into my chest. I might not know a lot of things, but I knew I didn't want to be anywhere he wasn't.

The ride jerked to a stop, sending the car rocking again. I gripped his shirt.

"You okay?" he asked, fighting a smile.

"You're enjoying this way too fucking much."

He lifted his shoulders, then glanced down at my hand fisted in his shirt. "I can't exactly deny it. I'd be lying."

I don't know whether it was the fucking fear or how close we were, but I'd never felt so alive. "Why do you like to torture me so much?"

"Because you keep rewarding me!" He laughed, eyes never leaving mine.

"I'm so getting you back for this." I pressed my eyes closed, too overwhelmed.

If I told myself it was the height, would I know I was lying tomorrow?

"How are you going to get me back?"

"I haven't decided yet." I held onto the sound of his voice, not focusing on the swaying car.

"You should really look. The view is spectacular." He pressed his lips against my ear to speak.

A bolt of electricity rolled down my spine, and I shivered, knocking my shoulder into his chest. "I can't." At least my voice didn't tremble.

"Look up at the stars then. You can do that, right?"

"Maybe," I said, screwing up my face to tilt my head back.

The movement caused the car to lurch. I slammed my teeth shut, gritting them.

"It's okay," he soothed. "We are stopped at the top. The wind rocks it a little, and so will movement."

"It's fucking unnerving. Nothing should move like this." I pried my eyes open, looking into the heavens. "You know, it's the stars that gave me the courage to form a band."

"What do you mean?" Varian stayed just as close, and I settled into his arms, trying to force some of the tension out of my body.

"I used to climb out of my window at night and lay on the roof to watch the stars. I'd write in my journal and put my sorrow out into the universe. There were days after my—break—that I wanted to throw myself off that roof just to not face the future everyone else wanted for me. I knew I had to do something for me. That's why I named my band Second Star."

"I thought it was a Peter Pan reference." His lips were so close to my ear, it took everything in me not to groan.

"It is. It's the escape. The way to not have to grow up. To chase dreams and make believe. To fucking defy what adults want. Make our own reality. All of it." I risked a glance at him.

Fuck.

"What?" he asked.

"And you're the guy with the stars in his eyes."

"What makes you say that?" Varian liked it, I could tell.

"The way you look at me sometimes." There was no other way to explain it.

"The guy with the stars in his mind, and the guy with the stars in his eyes. We're making galaxies over here."

"Two stars does not a galaxy make."

"We can dream big. You said it yourself!" Varian's voice carried triumph.

The ride lurched into motion again, but I kept my eyes open, forcing myself to take in every fucking moment of this, wanting to remember it forever.

We walked by the ocean, listening to the sound of the waves lapping at the sea.

We got back late. The other guys were long in their bunks.

We didn't say much.

Varian checked his phone, hitting his brother back while I wrote a post.

stars breathe light into galaxies

waves drive against concrete

gravities can't be denied

late-night walks

words we never expected to say

and to this day, i wouldn't have it any other way

write me a note or a love letter

escape this life we both know better

i'm spinning out like a loose cannon

black powder starter set on fire

but we're all just Moths to the flame

but I'd still shoot my shot to Not be caught in a life I can't stand

Emotions so high i can't keep them in

but i'm about to combust

and right or wrong, it wouldn't be long

We danced around each other, neither of us talking about the night, and now that my feet were on the ground, I was more confused than ever.

"Are you staying the night?"

"Do you want me to?" He looked at me through his lashes, moonlight painted across his face.

"Yes." I couldn't bear for him to leave, but I couldn't tell him that either. "We can chill on the couches in here again…"

He cut me off with a shake of his head. "No, you won't sleep. I don't trust you."

I tried not to smile but failed. "I'm too hyped up."

"Still? You've barely slept. Why?"

Because of you.

Because of a million feelings I can't process.

"I'm just awake."

"Come lay in your bunk. The dark and quiet will help chill you out, and if you can't sleep, we can watch something."

I nodded, sure I'd agree to just about anything to stay close to him right now.

This couldn't be…

But I wasn't…

He pushed to his feet, tugging off his tee by the back of his neck. "Do you have a tee I could borrow? After sweating in this one all day, I don't want to wear it to bed."

"Sure," I dug in the extra bunk I used as a closet, giving him one and trading mine out for a fresh one too, then tossed him a pair of basketball shorts, kicking off my jeans to put on a pair myself.

The Sharpie fell out of my pocket.

"Do you really just carry that around everywhere?" Varian asked.

"I never know when the mood is going to strike to write on you." I bent to pick it up.

"I've let you draw on me all these shows. Now I get to do it to you." He held out his hand for the marker.

I passed it over, surprising even myself. "What are you gonna write?"

He took my arm, drawing on the inside.

I watched, not saying a word until he finished. "That's not a word."

"No, it's better."

"Is this a galaxy…two galaxies?" I asked.

"Medusa merger. They are colliding."

"What made you draw galaxies colliding?"

"Because even stars can't resist gravity, and they can't help it. No one can resist the pull or inevitable collide."

"No one," I echoed his words. "Neither can we."

"Are you fighting it?" Varian asked like he knew what I'd been feeling.

"I don't know," I said honestly.

"You're going to be up all night thinking about it, aren't you?"

Was I?

Would I collide or fly straight on?

My chest heaved, and before I knew what I was doing, I shoved off the wall and grabbed his face, pressing my lips to his.

I don't know what came over me. Varian didn't move, and my heart hammered in my ears.

What the fuck was I doing?

I started to pull back, but his lips moved, parting slightly.

And then his hands moved over mine, keeping me in place.