19. Varian

Why the fuck had I told Arik he should hook up with someone else? I spent the rest of the day on edge. Every time someone looked at him, I wanted to fight them. I knew this wasn't healthy, but how the fuck do you tell yourself to back off when someone is everything that makes you happy?

I was the dopamine fiend, after all.

But now I carried a gut filled with dread that I'd walk into something I'd rather not. We didn't really connect after our set, and I ended up on my own bus for the next few days. We'd barely spent any time together last night, and I couldn't help but wonder whether it was because he went to find someone to fuck.

I needed to sleep but every hour that passed pressed in, the humidity making it impossible, and by the time we stopped for gas my shirt clung when I stepped out of the bus.

"You want anything?" I asked my brother.

"I'll go with you. I could use a drink or something."

I glanced over at him as we walked side-by-side into the massive truck stop. We garnered a few looks, but no one stopped us. Because of who our parents were and growing up in the spotlight of tabloids, we got recognized more than we should for our band's popularity.

I stopped on the way to the drink coolers in the back, brightly colored stars making me smile. I took them off the hook and caught up with my brother.

"What's that?" he nodded at the little package. "Glow stars?"

"I thought Arik would like them."

"That why he named his band Second Star? He got a big thing for them?"

"I don't know what the name means, or even if he even came up with it. I've never asked him about it. But his last name means evening star, and he's like starlight."

Vallen lifted a brow, opening the glass case. "Have you told him how you feel?"

"What do you mean?" I hedged, grabbing an energy drink to avoid looking him in the eyes. I held the can to my head, craving the cool even in the air-conditioned store.

He side-eyed me as we walked to the register. "Don't bullshit me. I see the stars in your eyes."

I held up my middle finger. "I'll take it since I see the universe in his."

"Goddamn, you are down bad."

"Are you two…" the cashier began. He was some eighteen-something kid.

Vallen grinned, holding out a twenty. "Depends on who you think we are."

"Dopamine-Fiend, right? Your music is pretty good. My gran really likes your dad's music. She was shocked when I told her I listen to his kids."

I cringed, but Vallen had no visible reaction. "That's us."

Half the time, I thought it was the scar on my face, but it grounded me to see Vallen getting as many double-takes as me. I hated that my trauma was so public. I hated that I couldn't condemn my father publicly without disparaging my dead mother. I hated that I had to look in the mirror and be reminded the person I only wanted love from cared more about drugs than my well-being. That one hurt the worst.

Maybe that's why time with Arik felt so good.

Like one person put me first. Cared about my feelings above his own.

"Would you, like, sign something for me?" He rummaged behind the counter, coming up with a notebook.

"Sure thing." I took it while he finished the transaction, trying to get this interaction over with as soon as possible.

"Actually, can you add a case of High Life?" Vallen said when he was offering back the change. He was already on the way to the back of the store again, leaving the guy hanging and holding back his cash. He set it on the counter and took the notebook to scribble in.

I didn't say anything as we got back to the bus, and Vallen ignored the soda he'd bought, opting instead for one of the beers.

"You want one?" he offered, putting the rest in the fridge.

"Nah, it's too early for that." Was it bad I wasn't upset he was drinking because they were calories? He looked thinner every day, and I hated the hollowness in his cheeks. "I'll be so pissed by the time we go onstage, I won't be able to sing. I don't know how you do it."

"Cat naps, bro. Cat naps. Or you got to ride it through so you stay at the same level of drunk all day." He pounded the beer and opened the second he'd gotten out for me.

"We celebrating?" Fox asked, rubbing his eyes after he climbed out of his bunk. "How are the bathrooms in there?"

"We didn't go in them."

"I need to brush my teeth, and Vallen won't clean up his fucking stubble in the bathroom," Fox grumbled.

I lifted a brow, giving a side glance to Vallen. "Dude, we told you not to shave in the fucking bathroom."

"I couldn't deal with it anymore." Vallen huffed behind his beer.

"I'm about to vote you the fuck off this island." Fox pointed his toothbrush at Val. "Clean it up, or I'm leaving you at the truck stop."

Vallen burst out laughing, spraying beer all over the both of us.

I don't think I'd ever seen Fox so disappointed in his life, which made me laugh.

Fox wiped beer out of his eyes. "This is assault. I did not consent to spit."

Whatever I thought he'd say, it wasn't fucking that.

"You signed a blanket consent when you crawled in bed with me last night!"

"We were on the couch, and I cannot help that I'm a cat and like to curl up in people's laps!" He darted forward, wiping his wet hand on Vallen's face. "And consent can be revoked at any time!"

"But you didn't revoke it before the spitting!" Vallen squirmed as Fox smeared the sticky beer all over his face.

This quickly devolved into an all-out beer fight with the remaining liquid in Vallen's can. Fox, in a show of dominance or something, stole the can, took a drink, and then pulled open the neck of Vallen's shirt and spit down it.

I couldn't get a word out, crying and laughing.

Finally, Val upended the can and dumped the rest of it over Fox's head, and he stepped back, sputtering. Shock and disbelief dropped his jaw.

"You have created a hostile work environment!" He stormed out of the bus.

"I'm going to have to agree with him on this one. That was homoerotic enough to make me uncomfortable, and I'm bisexual." I somehow kept a straight face while saying it.

"You are supposed to be on my side." Vallen chucked the can at me.

I turned, letting the can bounce off my shoulder. "I'm going to be on whichever side is funnier."

"Fucking traitor!"

"At least my stars are wrapped in plastic and didn't get assaulted too." I clutched them to my chest, petting the packaging.

Bronx fell out of his bunk, making us both turn, and just laid on the floor. "Why are you guys so loud?"

"Why can't you stand?"

"My legs don't work this early in the morning." With a lot of grunting, Bronx sat up. "Why is the fucking floor wet and sticky? Who was jacking off?"

"It's beer, not cum."

"I'm not sure that's better." He thought for a second. "Who's mouth was it in?"

"Does that make a difference?" I asked.

"Course it does."

"Mine," Vallen said, laughing again.

"That is better. I trust your mouth more than your dick." Bronx shoved to his feet. "You better clean this up before John comes out here." He grabbed the baby wipes and stepped into the bathroom. "Who shaved their pubes in here?"

I stared at Val.

He shrugged. "Can't get laid with a man bush! Where do you want me to do it?"

"I thought Fox meant your fucking face."

He lifted his shoulders sheepishly.

"You are disgusting, and I'm also going to vote you off the island if you don't clean that shit up." I grabbed a beer, deciding this day would go much better drunk.

* * *

By the time we got to our stop, the heat was even worse. Like Orlando was the poster child for waterboarding by humidity. We sat in the bus's shade, pounding beers like they'd rehydrate the water we lost.

No one bothered to shower.

"Hey," Arik said, walking up.

"There you are!" I tried to jump up but stumbled and tripped.

Arik caught me. "Are you drunk?"

"It's Vallen's fault!" I could hear my slurred words.

"Guilty!" Val lifted a beer in the air.

"I guess you guys had a good drive here." There was a hesitation in Arik's voice.

"I have something for you!" I remembered, trying to detangle myself from Arik to go into the bus to get it.

"Easy there, cowboy. You're going to break your face." Arik's grip tightened, helping me to the bus. He pulled the door behind us when we were safely inside. "What happened?"

"It's stupid." I spun around, searching my memory. Where had I put the stars?

"It's not stupid if Vallen is that upset."

"Someone recognized us, but he brought up my dad." I shook my head. "So we just decided to get drunk."

Arik was quiet for a long time.

"It's not that big a deal. It happens. You can't be in the spotlight with famous parents without it happening. I'm more used to it than he is." I pointed at my face, playing it off.

"Why would you choose a job in the spotlight if it fucks you up so much?"

"Hard to go against what you know, and like I said, there's no high like a crowd of people singing your art back at you. I love it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't have its downside, and it's not that guy's fault. He doesn't know what we went through. I know my brother doesn't regret what we do; he just wishes we weren't tied to that asshole."

Arik pulled me into a hug. It didn't last nearly long enough. "Someone should call that asshole out. Everyone should know what he is."

"You're right, but I don't want to. I want to focus on me." Why did that make me feel like a bigger disappointment?

"It's not your responsibility. If that's not going to serve you, that's okay." Arik wrapped his arms around me again. "You are allowed to feel however you feel, but if I ever meet him, I'm punching him out."

"I hope to see that one day." I swayed when we parted. "Your gift. It's in my bunk, I think." I bounced from wall to wall in the narrow hall like I was on a ship in the Drake Passage.

I searched around and produced it, turning around with glee. "I thought you could stick them to the ceiling of your bunk."

"Are these glow stars?" His face broke out into a smile.

Stars burst in my chest, the glow of his happiness warming me from the inside out.

"Come help me put them up?"

"You might have to carry me there." I laughed, but he held out his hand.

"Don't let me break my face. Val will never forgive us." I stumbled through the grass, riding my high.

"We got to lay in the bunk to get them placed right, I think," Arik said, hands on his hips.

We'd tried to reach inside and do it, but I was too drunk, and Arik wasn't as tall as I was.

"This is going to sound weird, but I think you have to throw me into the bunk." My whole world spun, and the idea of climbing into anything just would not work.

"Try." He stifled a laugh.

"Asshole. You just want to mock me." I awkwardly swung a leg up, and he burst out laughing. "My arms are Jell-O right now. More like tentacles than fucking arms! Next time you're drunk, I'm leaving you where you lie!"

"You're right. You are so uncoordinated." He grabbed the back of my thighs before I could get myself down, hoisting me into the bunk, but his thumbs grazed along the inside of my cheeks and I bit back a groan. "Fuck." Why did his hands on me feel so good?

"What?" he asked.

"That was harder than it should have been." I hedged, knowing how that fucking sounded.

He sprung onto the mattress next to me and offered the open bag.

* * *

We fell asleep, and I woke up sober with Arik curled against my side. I didn't want to move. Ever.

I picked up my head, trying to figure out what time it was. Surely, someone would come get us if we were late, so I laid my head back down to bask in the contact.

He shifted, pressing his hip into my groin, right into my hard-on.

I bit my lip, stifling the pleasure trying to pass between my lips. I didn't dare move. Didn't dare wake him to find me like this. I willed it to go down, but he moved again, rolling to his stomach to stretch, making his thigh slide down the whole length of me.

I yanked my hips back. "Sorry about that."

He opened one eye but didn't pull back or move. "Neither one of us has gotten laid in a few weeks. It's a natural reaction. Right?"

"Right, totally."

"I'm hard too. I wake up that way a lot. Not a big deal." His gaze flicked down.

Why was he looking? "True, true."

"Not many private places on a bus to take care of it, either. It's been days since I jacked off. I need to rub one out in the shower later. Not like I can even do it in my bunk."

Fuck.

"I don't even feel comfortable doing it in the shower on our bus. Maybe if everyone was passed out…" I could barely breathe. How were we even talking about this?

"Have you in your bunk while everyone was asleep?"

"No… Have you?"

"No, but I've thought about it a lot." Arik listened. "No one's on the bus right now. Maybe we should be like Kiernan and Hael in the back lounge."

What was he saying?

How did I even reply to that?