20. Arik

Why did I like that he was here and hard? I had to unpack some of these feelings, but I didn't know how. Every time I tried to talk about it, it felt like Varian got distant. We'd barely spent any time together over the last two days. I needed to get my head on straight and figure out what I was feeling, but it didn't help that he looked fucking horrified by my suggestion. Did I turn him off that much?

"Or maybe I should just get laid." I tried to correct our course. Was I making it weird? It felt like I was making it fucking weird. Varian kept tripping over his words. Was he still drunk?

Maybe it was all in my head.

"Is that what you want?" he asked carefully. I hated when he got like this. After everything we shared, the kitten gloves felt like hell.

"I don't know what I want. I'm too horny to think straight. Seems like you are too." Maybe that would get him talking?

"Thought you said it was natural." He laughed, playing it off.

"Sure, but a good fuck would help." I stared at him, but he wouldn't look into my eyes.

"Arik!" Kiernan yanked open the curtain on my bunk.

I hadn't even heard him come in. "What?"

"Your single just went number one," Kiernan said with all the glee of a little kid.

It took a full five seconds for it to register. I flopped out of my bunk to search his face. "Are you being serious?"

His smile stretched so wide it had to be the truth. "I am. Congratulations, man." He squeezed my shoulder. "I got to go find the other guys."

"Fuck," I said, half collapsing against the wall.

Varian slid out of the bunk, elated. "Dude. Do you know how big that is?"

"I'm in shock."

Varian grinned, letting me take it in.

"We need to go celebrate!" I didn't move. I couldn't stop looking at him.

"Shit. I am going to be so hungover tomorrow." He scrubbed a hand over his face. "But since I already have a headache coming on, I might as well start back up to stave it off."

I looked at him for another second before jumping at him to hug him. "I have a fucking number one single."

"I'm so happy for you." The way Varian looked at me. I'd never get over it. Like real-life heart-eyes. "Let's go grab a drink. What do you want? I'll buy it for you."

"Nah, it's on me today." I closed one eye trying to remember how much cash I have. "But nothing expensive!"

He laughed, clapping me on the shoulder. "Let's go find the other guys."

"Wait!" I dug my teeth into my lower lip, a grin breaking out over my face.

"I know what that look means!" He shook his head but didn't move.

"My handy-dandy Sharpie!" I pulled it out my pocket, and he held out his arms. I shook my head. "Not there."

A twist of his lips and questioning brows were his only reaction, but I liked it.

"Turn around."

He hesitated for half a second, then did as I asked.

I stepped in close and pressed the tip to the back of his neck to write. It was a little big and wrapped around, but I didn't think he'd complain too much.

"What does it say?"

"More days like these, please."

"You'll have so many more number ones. That album is fire."

"I don't mean that." I lifted my shoulders, noncommittally.

"What?" He blocked my exit.

"All of it. The stars, spending time with you." My chest felt entirely full. "I feel like a star about to burst."

He dropped his voice and leaned in. "Don't do that. I'd miss you."

"Your atoms wouldn't entangle with mine?"

"It's not enough." His eyes slid closed. "I want this summer to go on forever."

"Me too."

* * *

We stumbled to the stage, a fucking mess.

"Drink more water!" Kiernan handed me a second water bottle.

"I have no more room." I groaned, clutching my stomach.

"If we do that, I'm going to have to piss in the middle of our set. For fuck's sake," Hael grumbled.

"You guys better not fuck this up!" Kiernan slurred his words.

"You are the drunkest among us. Maybe worry about yourself." Ser lightly pushed Kiernan's shoulder, and he stumbled backward.

"I'm not that drunk!" Kiernan got his dad voice out, but we were all too drunk to find it anything but funny.

I could barely walk straight when it came time for our set. But I could play in my sleep, so I wasn't too worried about it as long as Ser could sing.

"You good to go?" I asked Ser.

"My voice is killing me, but it's only forty minutes. I'll get through it."

"Want me to help?" Varian appeared from nowhere and made me jump.

"Where the fuck were you hiding?" I put my hands up like Karate Kid.

"You will never be Daniel. Don't play."

"I could be if I found my own Mr. Miyagi and had six to nine years."

"SIXTY-NINE YEARS?" Koa jumped between us.

Varian burst into laughter. "Good one." He fist-bumped Koa.

"I don't know what's worse, that you got his joke or that Koa brought the DVD with us on the bus."

"No shame in watching cartoons, bro!" Koa grinned, pleased someone got his weird humor for once.

"Do you want me?" Varian asked again.

Ser waved the guitar tech over and got Varian one of his guitars. "We don't have time to get yours, and what are you going to do for a mic?"

"We all have our preferences, but a guitar is a guitar." Varian let the tech put it over his head and then looked right into my eyes. "I'll share the backup mic with Arik."

I fought a smile. "Whatever. You don't get to complain about my filthy mouth later."

"I know where it's been."

"Are you sure about that?" I asked, lifting my chin.

Doubt flicked in his eyes. "Big talk for someone who had me in his bunk all afternoon."

The rest of the guys looked at me.

"I will not apologize for cuddling my best friend!" I shot right back, not caring what the other guys thought.

But it didn't have the desired effect on Varian. He stared at me for a moment, then walked out onstage, minutes before our call.

"What the fuck is he doing?" Ser asked, trying to grab the back of his shirt, but he was too slow.

I stood speechless, not sure what to do.

"Since all of you helped Second Star's single go number one, what do you think about helping them celebrate?" Varian said into the mic before the lights were even on.

The crowd erupted.

"I was thinking we should sing it to get them out here early. What do you think?" He held a hand to his ear as he turned to look at us in the wings. "Give ‘em what they want, boys."

We joined him onstage, and the lights came up, the crew finally realizing what we were doing. The rest of the entire venue was silent. All eyes turned toward us.

Like God endorsed the move.

Varian hummed low, starting the opening word and drawing it out.

Ser joined him.

I played the intro, and my fingers were working from memory because my brain was not firing; it was too fixed on Varian. He sang into my mic, but his eyes weren't on the crowd like when he normally sang. He looked right at me.

I took my place next to him as the chorus came up, our lips an inch apart. My voice came breathy, not quite on key, and he smiled, letting it bleed into his voice.

Our shoulders brushed as I straightened after finishing my backup.

I stepped around to try and focus on the crowd, interact with them. I jumped around and came back for the second chorus, this time closer. Not bothering to angle my body away from his. We'd shared a fucking bed this afternoon. What did it matter? We weren't uncomfortable.

His face exploded into a grin, eyes fixed on mine.

* * *

Midway through Varian's show, I sat on a speaker, watching from onstage. Totally against the rules, but no one would take this away from me tonight.

The sky opened up, letting down the rain it'd been threatening all day.

We were drenched in a second.

They kept playing.

By the time the set finished, we were soaked through to the bone.

We packed up, sloshing around and a muddy mess by the time Dopamine-Fiend's gear was loaded. Thankfully, since they were one of the last sets of the night, the showers were not packed. No way we could get into the bus with mud up to our knees.

"Pair the fuck off and get it done." Kiernan brought me fresh clothes, along with Dopamine-Fiend's manager. He was long cleaned up after our load out.

"Pair off?" I asked, laughing, because I had no doubt he'd paired off with Hael.

"You fucking heard me! We have a long drive tonight and most of tomorrow." Kiernan held up his middle finger.

I grinned, holding up my middle finger as a shower opened. I ducked in, but before I could close the door, Varian slipped in behind me.

"He said to pair off." Varian gave me a cheeky grin, unbuttoning his pants.

"Fuck, no. You don't get to try to hijack my shower." I pulled off my shirt and then shoved off my skinny jeans, almost taking my boxers with them. I cast him a look before getting in the shower, not bothering to take my boxers off. He shoved at his tight leather. I turned on the shower, not closing the curtain. "Struggling, buddy?"

"Fuck off." He hopped and shimmied, but those pants were not moving. "Of all the fucking nights I could have put on leather."

"The universe hates you."

"Fucking tell me about it." He leaned against the wall, out of breath.

"Do I need to come out there and help you?" I stood under the water while warm drops pelted down on my goosebump-covered skin. I'd never thought I'd want heat after sweating out half my body weight, but my sore muscles demanded it after the downpour.

"Maybe."

"This shower feels so good. You're missing out." I leaned to look over at him, still fighting with the leather.

"You're a dick!" He banged his head against the wall.

"Fuck! If this isn't still warm when I get you out of those, friendship off!" I turned off the water, groaning.

"Friendship off?" he asked, a smile playing on his lips, but his eyes said it all. "You'd unfriend me over a little water?"

"For at least three to five business days!" I stepped out of the shower in my sodden boxers, way too cognizant of how they stuck to me. I tried to act normal, but I don't think I'd know what normal was if it bit me in the ass.

"Business days! We are fucking rock stars. I can't work with business days. Plus, we have a day off tomorrow, and who am I going to spend it with if you're not around?" He wagged his brows.

"And what are we going to do tomorrow?" I asked, assessing his pants situation. "You're making it worse by bunching them up like that."

"What do you expect me to do?"

"Sit on the floor, and I'll start at your ankles. Work them off that way."

He wrinkled his nose. "I'm going to get a weird fungus on my ass if I sit on the floor."

"It's that or live in those forever." I crossed my arms over my chest.

"I need someone to just fucking cut me out of them at this point." He scrubbed a hand over his face and sat down. "What about some good food and then see what other sights there are?"

"I'd like that." I crouched in front of him and began to work on his ankle. The leather clung to his damp skin, barely wiggling. "If I had scissors, I would cut you out."

I got some traction over his heel and yanked, falling onto my ass, but it pulled six inches over his foot.

"Fuck."

Varian's eyes dropped, and his Adam's apple bobbed. He opened his mouth but closed it again.

"What?"

His eyes lifted, and he shook his head. "Just relieved. I wasn't sure they were coming off."

I used the pants to pull myself back to a crouch. "Let me do the other."

"You're a lifesaver." He held up his leg, but his entire tone had changed.

"I know! And you better make it up to me." I worked the tight fabric over his foot.

"I promise I will."

"Now get up." I pushed to my feet, adjusting my clinging boxers.

"Help me, please?"

I held out a hand and pulled him to his feet. "Now let's work them off that thick ass of yours together."

Varian gave me a flat look. "It's robust."

"I'm not complaining. It's nice." I winked as I grabbed one of his pockets. "On three."

He pushed his hand into the other. "Okay."

I counted, and we both yanked, peeling off the leather inch by inch. Once it was over his ass, I crouched again. "Let me grab your back pockets and yank."

He nodded, his breathing ragged.

I pulled with all my might, and the leather came down with a rip, taking his boxers with it, and leaving me face-to-face with his dick. I blinked.

Jesus.

He was either half hard or a fucking show-er. He was thick and veiny. I forced myself to my feet, clearing my throat. I told myself not to meet his eyes, but I did. Heat burned in his irises. We didn't say anything. We didn't move. We stood there like that, and I started to thicken in my boxers. I don't know what came over me, but I kept thinking about his dick, and it did something to mine.

"We should?—"

A bang on the door interrupted me.

"What is taking you guys so long?" Kiernan yelled through the door. "You better not be fucking in there on my time." His accusation snapped me out of it.

I jumped back, getting in the shower again.

"I was stuck in my fucking leather pants!" Varian decided to yell as if it would help the situation.

"I honestly can't tell if you're serious," Kiernan said through a laugh.

"I'm so serious. Arik had to be a real pal and strip me." Varian's voice carried amusement as he shoved the shower curtain open. His boxers were back up, but he'd lost his shirt.

I swallowed and barely croaked, "What?"

"We're alternating. I am freezing my balls off." He shoved the shampoo into my hands and waited for me to get out of the water.

I finished rinsing and stepped out of his way. He turned his ass to me, standing face forward with his palm pressed into the tile just like the last time I watched him.

"You not lathered yet?" he asked, turning around, and I realized I'd just been standing there like an idiot.

"Zoned out, man." I poured shampoo into my hands and rubbed them through my hair, getting a good lather going.

He didn't turn away; he watched.

My heart skipped a beat.

Or two.

I liked it.

And I didn't know what that meant.

I'd always liked his eyes on me, but I'd thought it was his attention. But this was on my body.

We traded, and I watched him. My heart rate picked up speed, hammering in my neck—and lower. I tried to think about anything else, but my body wasn't having it. Not while Varian's eyes were on me. I rinsed, and we switched places again, taking turns as the tension peaked. We finished, and I grabbed our towels, holding one out for him.

He took it, wiping his face, and I didn't turn around when I stripped off my boxers, wanting to see his reaction to me.

His lips twitched.

Was he fighting a smile?

My dick ached, and I couldn't play this game anymore. Not when I didn't even know what was going on in my own head. I dried myself off and got dressed without looking at him again.

We left in silence.

Kiernan was the only one waiting. "Took you two long enough."

"Want to go in there and get my ruined pants and see what we were dealing with?"

Kiernan rolled his eyes. "Come on."

"Where'd my brother and the guys go?" Varian asked, but he fell into step with us.

"Both buses are waiting around the corner. I had them pull up."

"Thanks, man." Varian glanced at me as our arms brushed.

I knocked my shoulder against his. "You want to ride with us?"

He locked eyes with me and nodded slowly. "Sure."

"Cool." I couldn't contain my smile.

He returned it as we climbed aboard. "I'm so fucking beat."

We greeted the guys and took a couple hits since they were all smoking, and we ended up chilling in the front lounge when everyone else went to crash.

"You ready to sleep?" Varian asked.

"I'm not going to sleep."

"Why not? You've got to be exhausted."

"I have a hard time sleeping. I always have." I lifted my shoulders, not wanting him to think it was a big deal.

"What causes it?"

"Night terrors and sleep paralysis." My voice sounded sanitized, but after years of doctors and pills, I hated talking about it.

"I used to get night terrors a lot too. They don't give you meds?"

"They did, but I don't take them. I hate the way they make me feel the next day." I exhaled, waiting for the judgment that was coming. I'd had too many people tell me to just suck it up, that I'd be more mentally ill without sleep, but the truth was, I'd rather feel like this than drugged out.

"I get that. They made me really tired and kinda numb."

I nodded. "I'd rather be tired than numb."

"For sure." He got up, moving to my sofa and sitting down next to me.

"Don't stay up on my account," I protested, but he laid his head in my lap.

"I'm not." He rolled over to face my stomach. "Is this okay?"

What did I even say to that?

an update on the road

a night i'll never forget

a day Worth writing home About

but siNce my letTers get Marked ‘return to sender,'

i'll deliver them straight to your inbox

best friends

u me soaked to the bone

those fucking leather pants

summer nights i don't want to end

every atom draws me to you

quantum entangled got me wondering if anything is real

got me doubting i know me at all.

maybe i'm wrong about it all and this is what life is worth living for?

Or maybe i'm just drunk Rambling

and in the End is there a difference?

are we more truthful with inhibitions stripped away?