18. Arik

The words were out in a rush before I could stop them. This mutual magnetism I felt in my chest made me want to spend all my time with him. His lip quivered, and I started to back my way out of what I'd said.

"I just meant because your bus will be full?—"

While he said, "If you want me to?—"

We both stopped.

A smile edged on the corners of his mouth, and I was starting to think he wasn't the one chasing dopamine—I was.

"Yeah?"

"Yes," Varian said, and it felt like something passed between us.

Serafin lifted his brow but didn't ask. He grabbed the Coco Puffs and Lucky Charms and poured some of each into one bowl.

"That's a crime." I passed him, plucking a marshmallow out of his bowl.

"It's not my fault you have no taste." I filled a backpack with clean clothes and my toiletry kit. Grabbing a clean towel, I shoved my feet into shower shoes. We exchanged a glance after I'd gathered my shower caddy like I was back in freshmen year of college.

I shrugged.

Ser nodded, giving me the ‘we'll talk later' look. I couldn't decide if it was going to be about Kiernan and Hael or Varian spending the night.

Some guys had solar showers or just used baby wipes, and not every venue was set up with showers, but Warped rented these giant shower trailers. I could only imagine because they got tired of a caravan of a thousand people smelling like a ball sac.

Varian grabbed his phone. "My battery is almost dead." He dialed and held the Nokia to his ear. "Where's the bus? Mmmhmm… Yep… Cool… I'll be there in a few."

"You're lucky they are here."

"Sounds like they beat us here."

We walked over in silence.

"I'll be right back." He darted into the bus and came out a few moments later with a towel over his shoulder and a few things clutched between his arm and chest.

I held out my caddy, and he added his stuff to it. "You can shower here…"

"Nah, Vallen is about to get in there, and he'll use all the damn hot water. This will be quicker."

We weren't too far from where they had the trailers set up. There was a line, but it was short compared to how it got late at night. Depending on the city, the quality and number of showers varied. Some were as bad as being in a portable toilet, while others were as nice as a truck stop.

These were the nicest ones I'd seen. Little individual rooms with locking doors. The line built as we waited, and finally one opened up.

"You can go first." Varian nodded.

"It's huge. We can both go in and trade." I hefted my caddy. "Then you don't have to carry your stuff."

"Fair enough." I closed the door behind us before realizing what I'd done. Our eyes locked, and my heart picked up pace. "Do you want to…" My mouth suddenly went dry.

Varian wore a tiny smirk, rubbing his hand over his stubble. "You can. I'll shave."

"You should leave it," I said in a rush.

"You think?"

I nodded, tugging my shirt off by the back of my neck. It was just nudity. I'd been naked around the guys in the band a million times. So this shouldn't have been a big deal.

Then why did it feel like a big deal?

I shoved off my jeans and felt the heat of Varian's gaze on my skin.

I turned around and took off my boxers before stepping into the shower and pulling the curtain. I turned on the spray, not bothering to wait for it to get warm before getting under it. I'd gotten used to any shower I could get over the last few weeks, and after college dorms, it wasn't that much different.

I couldn't stand the silence. Maybe it's because my head is too loud. Maybe that's why I hated to be alone.

"Do you ever think about doing anything other than this?"

He didn't answer right away. "No, I've wanted this since my parents dropped me off with my grandparents for the first time when I was four years old. They told me I was too old to tour with them, more like they were burned out from having my brother and I with them. He was five. I guess he remembers it being a lot worse than I do. I don't know. But I begged them to take me whenever they came through town."

"And you like touring now that you're doing it?"

"I love it. I hate being at home. I hate the monotony of it. I miss the high of being onstage. I miss the traveling. The exploring. The people. Even showering at truck stops before we had a bus was worth it." He almost sounded dreamy, but his words hit home.

"No settling down for you, then."

"No, I don't see it. Maybe when I'm old." Varian laughed. "But I doubt it. What about for you? I know this is your first major tour. What do you think."

"It has its ups and downs. I was getting lonely, but last night was nice."

"Yeah?" he asked softly.

"Yes," I replied, grabbing my bar of soap and rubbing it over my skin.

"I like that."

"Which part?" I asked after I finished washing my face.

"That it was nice. That it made you feel good." He said it so nonchalant. Easy.

Everything was easy with Varian. I'd never had anything like it. Every other relationship in my life was hard. Why did everything else have to be so difficult while he was here, proving shit could be easy?

Easy felt so fucking nice.

I brushed my teeth and then turned off the water. Quick was the name of the game. There was only so much water in these tanks. "I forgot my towel. Can you hand it to me." I reached my hand out, and the cotton found my fingers. I dried off as best I could, then wrapped it around my waist.

When I pulled the curtain back, he was right there, making my heart jump into my throat.

We stepped the same way.

"Fuck." I stayed to the side and gestured for him to move past me. He stayed where he was, stripping off his clothes. I caught sight of a flash of morning wood when he pushed off his boxers. I couldn't help myself—my gaze lingered.

He was impressive. Thick, with a huge vein up the side.

Why did I look? Why did I want to keep looking?

He cleared his throat.

Fuck. Had he seen me looking?

I moved in quick time, going to the sink. I pressed both hands into it. I'd broken guy code. What the fuck had I been doing? I looked in the mirror, catching his gaze. He hadn't stepped into the shower yet.

He smiled, and I noticed the permanent marker still under his collarbones.

"That's never going to come off."

He glanced down. "Maybe not. Val told me to use alcohol."

"Why didn't you?" I asked breathlessly.

He lifted his shoulders and then tugged the curtain shut.

What had gotten into me?

I'd never felt for a friend like I did for him, and I didn't know what that meant.

I stayed fixed to my place. Feet rooted into the tile. Eyes on the mirror watching his shadow lather up behind the curtain. His hands slid over his lanky form, and then he stood facing forward, head bent arm pressed into the wall, bracing himself.

For all the pain he'd been through in his life, for how many people had abandoned him, he wore it like a second skin. Not letting it affect his kindness. Not letting it change the person underneath.

He deserved all the good things in the universe, and I was lucky to call him a friend.

"Want to return the favor and hand me my towel?" Varian called out, spurring me into motion.

I hadn't shaved. I hadn't done anything but stare. What the fuck did that mean?

He stepped out of the shower, towel low around his hips, revealing a deep V and dark hair under his navel. "You're not dressed?"

"I got lost in my head." Which was the truth, even if I didn't say it was about him.

"What about?"

Not anything I'm willing to tell you. "A ton of shit. I zoned out."

He stepped up in front of the mirror, inspecting the writing on his arms while I crouched to dig boxers out of my backpack. I stood, pulling them on under my towel.

He met my eyes. "It came off fairly well." He pointed to his collarbones. "Must be all the sweat."

My heart picked up speed, hammering in my ears. I took off my towel and grabbed my bag to shove it in, remembering the Sharpie I'd shoved in the front pocket. I straightened, closing the space between us. "Turn around."

He lifted a dark brow but did as I asked, pressing both hands into the sink behind him. "What for?" His tone was coy.

I wiggled the marker between my fingers before biting the cap off. "Now, what to write?" I rewrote the MINE, darkening the letters.

"So possessive," he said in a gruff whisper.

"I've lived with the band long enough to know I got to label what's mine." I thought for a second, then grabbed his bicep, lifting his arm to make it easier for me to write on.

He cocked his head, trying to read it. "What are you writing?"

"Distilled happiness." I released his arm.

"Why?" he asked, turning to look in the mirror again.

"Because that's what you are."

A smile broke out over his face, and he whipped around, wrapping me up in his arms. I froze, not sure how to react, but then I leaned into him, slipping my arms around his waist while his tightened around my shoulders.

Bare chest to bare chest, our skin still damp.

My face tucked into his neck. His scent was fresh, like clean linens. Lavender and vanilla, but still entirely him.

"This shouldn't feel so good."

"What? Too gay for you? No homo?" He laughed, pulling back, but I tightened my grasp. He got far enough to look into my eyes.

I shook my head, figuring his laugh masked a real question. "No. I mean… Fuck?—"

"Just say it. I'm not going to take it wrong." His brow got a little line in it. Concern.

"I think I'm touch-starved or something." I finally released him, stepping back, my body starting to respond to the skin-on-skin in ways it shouldn't. My boxers wouldn't hide a hard-on. "Sorry. I didn't mean to make it weird," I said when he didn't reply right away.

"You didn't. I think I am too. It's hard to be on the road." His expression softened, and he adjusted his towel.

"I thought you said you loved it?" I asked playfully, wanting to get out of this heavy shit. I turned around to put on the rest of my clothes.

"I do. But that doesn't mean it doesn't also have its downfalls." He rummaged around, getting dressed too.

I kept my back to him, not willing to make it weirder. "Maybe I should hook up with someone. Like, reset myself after Nicole…"

"Maybe you should."

I don't know why his words hurt so much.